A bigger mindfuck than I realized

Apr 04, 2004 22:54

I was at work today. Well, I was returning to work from my lunch break. I walked in the door but glanced outside just in time to see Richard walking with some guy. We made eye contact. I kept a totally blank face and looked away; but inside my sympathetic nervous system kicked into high gear.

I started getting angry and sweating and anxious. WTF?!?!?!

I started talking with one of the people that I am friendly with at work. I told Jen the basic story and that I was having a bizarre reaction to having just made eye contact with Richard. As I told her the story I didn't mention his name. Finally, at the end of my story, I mentioned that it was Richard that I had dated and had gone thru this bizarre thing with. Jen's eyes got really big,

"Oooooh, Matthew..." She said, " I am so sorry. I really had high hopes for you guys. I mean, Richard was so excited after your first date."

"WHAT?!? Richard told you about us dating, after our first date?!? We had agreed not to tell *anyone* and he told people?!?!"

About this time, one of the other people that I am friends with, Michelle --who already knew the story--jumps in and says,

"That doesn't surprise me. You know, Matthew, I hang out with some of the Hair Stylist who work with Richard. None of them like him. They all say he is a liar and can't be trusted."

Of course, I thought to myself, "if only they knew the book he just finished reading and loved was a biography of Donna Summers. Honestly though, what normal adult reads and admits to loving a biography of Donna "she works hard the money" Summers? I mean, c'mon even Donna Summers doesn't want to read her own biography!" I know, I know, I should have gone running when he told me that. I just figured Que sera sera. D'OH!

The thing I realized today was he did a bigger mindfuck on me than I realized. I feel really cautious about getting involved with other guys. I mean, Richard had been so romantic and wonderful the brief times we were together, then Freaked on me without any warning. I keep thinking, WTF, who else is going to be like this. Is the next guy I think is wonderful going to freak on me without warning?

FUCK! I hate being gun shy!!!! I hate having this sense of not being able to completely trust my gut. I mean, with Richard, I was trusting my gut and carefully listening to what he was saying and doing--and then he freaked without warning or reason. Who's to say the next guy I trust and like won't do the same bullshit?
I know it sounds naive but why do people lie? Why are people such shit to other people? And worst of all, why is that mother fucking shithead Richard still doing a mindfuck on me? Why can't I let it go and move on? Why does it keep rearing its ugly head?!?
I know there is some more lesson to learn here, I just hope I learn it fast. I am so ready to move on--thought I had, but today brought up a new level of issue for me.
FUCK!
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