A bit more Richard (sorry) and some sex--not related
I talked with my good friend verna today. I filled her in on my phone call with Richard. She was amazed at the bullshit. I was amazed to start describing somethings to her that ultimately had me laughing at myself for getting involved with Richard. As I was talking with her, I told her that Richard had a great body, his face isn't all that attractive; he isn't ugly, just not the most attractive face. I had figured everyone has something so I didn't obsess about an unattractive face. I told her that Richard didn't have a lot to say other than to talk about the people's hair that he has styled and questioning me about having weighed 80lbs more than I do now (Talk about judgments!).
When I lived in Texas, I gained about 100 lbs. Since living in NYC, I have lost 80 lbs and I am working out everyday, and eating high protein/low carbs. But, I have pictures of myself at various weights around my house. Pictures that are special to me for various reasons. When new people see them they always ask me who is in the picture because they can't believe it is me. Well, it isn't me anymore and hasn't been me for quite a while. Nevertheless, Richard kept saying thing like, "promise me you'll never get this heavy again." I would say, "Richard, I am working out everyday, I have lost 80 lbs and am as healthy as a horse. I will NEVER weigh more than I do right now AND I will be physically different in six months . BUT, That is because that is MY goal not because I am dating you. My work out and health is about ME not about if we date or not!. I always resented those conversations feeling like I had to defend myself. Stupid thing is I would defend myself and then wonder to myself WHY? Because I tend to be accepting, I figured he need some reassurance--WTF? How dare he keep questioning me about my health and my weight! Of course, he only did so because I allowed it.
But back to our quality of conversations: He dropped out of High School and earned a GED. Again, no big deal to me (I tested out of High School and earned a GED, but also a AA, AS, BA and MA.lol), but I never could discuss much of my psychology work, nor my massage work, nor my spiritual work. Verna asked me what I had anticipated talking about. I shrugged my shoulders. "He's not the brightest bulb, Matthew. You need someone that is your intellectual equal" she said. Again, I told her that I don't judge people so I wasn't holding it against him. I am far from an intellectual snob, so degrees don't me much to me; but it was kind of limiting not being able to discuss any complex thoughts or philosophies. You don't have to be highly educated, but it helps if you have been highly lived--you know experienced the world, other cultures, observed life and people. I have an extremely wide range of interests, I've lived in various places, including France, and I have studied different cultures and places, and histories.
What I learned is that I kept making concessions to be with Richard rather than expecting him to meet me at my level. We know he wasn't honest and I am extremely honest--I do a fearless moral inventory daily! I aways examine myself before I blame others. After ten years of college, two years of a masters program almost two years studying massage (Can you tell I enjoy learning?) I am fairly well read and converse on most things and most topics. Despite everything, I have always accepted everyone as they present themselves. Everyone is a part of the universe/God/the Great Spirit; so I look for that in people I meet and people I love. I don't hold judgments over people, richard was full of judgments about people and the way they eat, the size of their portions, health, cleanliness, so many judgments. Too may to be enjoying life. I really think the more you live and the more you experience, the more you understand that almost everything is bullshit and not that important. Love and connection. That's what counts.
I looked at the circumstances that led to me dating Richard. When I first met him, I thought he was really nice, not that attractive, but very nice. Later, As I watched him interact with other employees and customers, I noticed not only did he always seem to be smiling and nice to others, but he had muscular arms. That seemed nice and his energy seemed so wonderful. So, I decided I would find out if he was single and if he was ask him out for coffee or something. That's when Courtney approached me and said Richard had been pestering her to tell me that he thought I was cute. I remember being taken back by that. I mean, we're not in third grade. I was asking her if he was single; but I was going to do my own approaching.LOL Anyway, I now realize that there was almost an expectation for us to get involved. I mean everyone was approaching us and telling us about the other, Everyone thought we'd be great together. I even realized that Big Joseph's comment about "Stay away from Richard." Only served to galvanize me more. And then when I heard that the Big Boss had called Richard, I was more determined to date Richard, despite the lack of any real connection except lust and enjoying romance. I hope this hasn't sounded too arrogant, because I am not trying to be. This next statement may sound really arrogant--again, I am really not, just honest. I would have been great for Richard but he would have not been good for me. I mean I had so much to offer and so much support to give; but he has such damaging issues that direct his life, what could he have given me? Not much. I would have loved and supported him thru his issues but, having already dealt with most of my issues, what was there for me? Perhaps he could help with my work out? or my diet? LOL, I used to have a body better than his, I know how to work out and how to eat right. There wasn't anything for him to offer me (Except his hot ass!)
Kind of eye opening to stand back and really look at things. It did help to hear Verna say something about Richard. I had told her in response to Richards claims that he didn't lead me on or lie to me, to his claims that he said "if I was to stick around...blah blah blah." "Verna, I am a trained professional pyschologist, I am trained to listen and to communicate. I know what he said, I know he never said, "IF...". I mean I did this for over ten years. I am fucking trained to listen." She laughed, "Matthew even if you weren't trained, you know what you heard. He knows what you heard. Richard is a liar. He knows he said those things to you and he will have to live with it." I thought, "Yeah, Richard is a liar." And Honestly, that's hard for me to say. I don't like labeling people, But there is no other way to see it. Richard is a liar. Richard will continue to play these games and no one will stick around for long and he'll end up unhappy and alone. I think that is so sad. *Shrug* Well, he had a chance with me. Thank God it didn't work out!
Okay, now that you've read thru all that, on to the sex!
I decided I would have me some anonymous sex tonight. I went to the gym and did my work out then checked out the steam room. A bunch of young guys with big dicks, they looked very tasty! This one guy had a beautiful long thick cock, kind of veiny and very tasty looking! Yummy but they were into each other and not me. Too bad, I thought, you'll settle for a hand job from each other when I would suck your balls dry! So I dressed and went to the Adult Bookstore with the glory holes.
I haven't been there in a while because I didn't want to spend my money. Anyway, today, I was planning to stay for a while.
I walked in unzipped my jacket so guys could see that I had a decent body. I went into a booth with glory holes on each side--better chances! I fed the machine my money and pulled down my pants and started stroking. The booths on each side of me immediately filled. One of the guys, shoved his cock thru the hole--it was nice, not too thick, nice, cut with large, shaved balls. Why not? I dropped to my knees and started sucking him off. I sucked his cock then sucked on his balls--back and forth, varying my speed to see what got his juices flowing, so to speak. I can really get into sucking, part of the oral phase I have been in for a while. So I am deep throating him and using my tongue to really get him excited, when he pulls out of the hole. I look thru and he has another guy in the booth with him. Hmmmmm, do I want to suck the other guy? Is he even offering? Suddenly, they both leave the booth. I sit back and continue stroking, hoping for some good cock or hot mouth. There is a soft knock at my door. I let the guy in who I had been sucking off. I drop to my knees and start deep sucking him. He grabs my head and holds it while he fucks my mouth-deep! He does this for a while, but he keeps sniffing poppers, which make me sick, so I finally tell him to leave. I tell him i am getting to hot. He leaves. A few guys check out the booths on either side of me, but no one seems up for action. I watch the porn for a while, stroking myself --I am fairly well studied in Tantric Sex, so I can last for hours--really, I have gone all day 10 hours before--just a matter of technique and rhythm! Anyway, I was there for about an hour and a half. Decided there wasn't much action so I left. When I left my booth, everyone looked at me as if they were surprised I was as good looking as I was. I don't know what they were thinking before, but several of them looked very interested now. To Late, I was bored and ready to go home. None of them were all that hot looking. It isn't the same when you know what they look like. The object of the glory hole is you don't know, you just suck or be sucked, or fuck or be fucked. It is just a cock--an object to fulfill my lust. Just hot man to man sex without strings or names. raw sex!
Well, It wasn't as fulfilling as I had hope but then I did go at an odd time--kind of between crowds. Oh well, I'll just have to pleasure myself at home tonight. :)
When I lived in Texas, I gained about 100 lbs. Since living in NYC, I have lost 80 lbs and I am working out everyday, and eating high protein/low carbs. But, I have pictures of myself at various weights around my house. Pictures that are special to me for various reasons. When new people see them they always ask me who is in the picture because they can't believe it is me. Well, it isn't me anymore and hasn't been me for quite a while. Nevertheless, Richard kept saying thing like, "promise me you'll never get this heavy again." I would say, "Richard, I am working out everyday, I have lost 80 lbs and am as healthy as a horse. I will NEVER weigh more than I do right now AND I will be physically different in six months . BUT, That is because that is MY goal not because I am dating you. My work out and health is about ME not about if we date or not!. I always resented those conversations feeling like I had to defend myself. Stupid thing is I would defend myself and then wonder to myself WHY? Because I tend to be accepting, I figured he need some reassurance--WTF? How dare he keep questioning me about my health and my weight! Of course, he only did so because I allowed it.
But back to our quality of conversations: He dropped out of High School and earned a GED. Again, no big deal to me (I tested out of High School and earned a GED, but also a AA, AS, BA and MA.lol), but I never could discuss much of my psychology work, nor my massage work, nor my spiritual work. Verna asked me what I had anticipated talking about. I shrugged my shoulders. "He's not the brightest bulb, Matthew. You need someone that is your intellectual equal" she said. Again, I told her that I don't judge people so I wasn't holding it against him. I am far from an intellectual snob, so degrees don't me much to me; but it was kind of limiting not being able to discuss any complex thoughts or philosophies. You don't have to be highly educated, but it helps if you have been highly lived--you know experienced the world, other cultures, observed life and people. I have an extremely wide range of interests, I've lived in various places, including France, and I have studied different cultures and places, and histories.
What I learned is that I kept making concessions to be with Richard rather than expecting him to meet me at my level. We know he wasn't honest and I am extremely honest--I do a fearless moral inventory daily! I aways examine myself before I blame others. After ten years of college, two years of a masters program almost two years studying massage (Can you tell I enjoy learning?) I am fairly well read and converse on most things and most topics. Despite everything, I have always accepted everyone as they present themselves. Everyone is a part of the universe/God/the Great Spirit; so I look for that in people I meet and people I love. I don't hold judgments over people, richard was full of judgments about people and the way they eat, the size of their portions, health, cleanliness, so many judgments. Too may to be enjoying life. I really think the more you live and the more you experience, the more you understand that almost everything is bullshit and not that important. Love and connection. That's what counts.
I looked at the circumstances that led to me dating Richard. When I first met him, I thought he was really nice, not that attractive, but very nice. Later, As I watched him interact with other employees and customers, I noticed not only did he always seem to be smiling and nice to others, but he had muscular arms. That seemed nice and his energy seemed so wonderful. So, I decided I would find out if he was single and if he was ask him out for coffee or something. That's when Courtney approached me and said Richard had been pestering her to tell me that he thought I was cute. I remember being taken back by that. I mean, we're not in third grade. I was asking her if he was single; but I was going to do my own approaching.LOL Anyway, I now realize that there was almost an expectation for us to get involved. I mean everyone was approaching us and telling us about the other, Everyone thought we'd be great together. I even realized that Big Joseph's comment about "Stay away from Richard." Only served to galvanize me more. And then when I heard that the Big Boss had called Richard, I was more determined to date Richard, despite the lack of any real connection except lust and enjoying romance. I hope this hasn't sounded too arrogant, because I am not trying to be. This next statement may sound really arrogant--again, I am really not, just honest. I would have been great for Richard but he would have not been good for me. I mean I had so much to offer and so much support to give; but he has such damaging issues that direct his life, what could he have given me? Not much. I would have loved and supported him thru his issues but, having already dealt with most of my issues, what was there for me? Perhaps he could help with my work out? or my diet? LOL, I used to have a body better than his, I know how to work out and how to eat right. There wasn't anything for him to offer me (Except his hot ass!)
Kind of eye opening to stand back and really look at things. It did help to hear Verna say something about Richard. I had told her in response to Richards claims that he didn't lead me on or lie to me, to his claims that he said "if I was to stick around...blah blah blah." "Verna, I am a trained professional pyschologist, I am trained to listen and to communicate. I know what he said, I know he never said, "IF...". I mean I did this for over ten years. I am fucking trained to listen." She laughed, "Matthew even if you weren't trained, you know what you heard. He knows what you heard. Richard is a liar. He knows he said those things to you and he will have to live with it." I thought, "Yeah, Richard is a liar." And Honestly, that's hard for me to say. I don't like labeling people, But there is no other way to see it. Richard is a liar. Richard will continue to play these games and no one will stick around for long and he'll end up unhappy and alone. I think that is so sad. *Shrug* Well, he had a chance with me. Thank God it didn't work out!
Okay, now that you've read thru all that, on to the sex!
I decided I would have me some anonymous sex tonight. I went to the gym and did my work out then checked out the steam room. A bunch of young guys with big dicks, they looked very tasty! This one guy had a beautiful long thick cock, kind of veiny and very tasty looking! Yummy but they were into each other and not me. Too bad, I thought, you'll settle for a hand job from each other when I would suck your balls dry! So I dressed and went to the Adult Bookstore with the glory holes.
I haven't been there in a while because I didn't want to spend my money. Anyway, today, I was planning to stay for a while.
I walked in unzipped my jacket so guys could see that I had a decent body. I went into a booth with glory holes on each side--better chances! I fed the machine my money and pulled down my pants and started stroking. The booths on each side of me immediately filled. One of the guys, shoved his cock thru the hole--it was nice, not too thick, nice, cut with large, shaved balls. Why not? I dropped to my knees and started sucking him off. I sucked his cock then sucked on his balls--back and forth, varying my speed to see what got his juices flowing, so to speak. I can really get into sucking, part of the oral phase I have been in for a while. So I am deep throating him and using my tongue to really get him excited, when he pulls out of the hole. I look thru and he has another guy in the booth with him. Hmmmmm, do I want to suck the other guy? Is he even offering? Suddenly, they both leave the booth. I sit back and continue stroking, hoping for some good cock or hot mouth. There is a soft knock at my door. I let the guy in who I had been sucking off. I drop to my knees and start deep sucking him. He grabs my head and holds it while he fucks my mouth-deep! He does this for a while, but he keeps sniffing poppers, which make me sick, so I finally tell him to leave. I tell him i am getting to hot. He leaves. A few guys check out the booths on either side of me, but no one seems up for action. I watch the porn for a while, stroking myself --I am fairly well studied in Tantric Sex, so I can last for hours--really, I have gone all day 10 hours before--just a matter of technique and rhythm! Anyway, I was there for about an hour and a half. Decided there wasn't much action so I left. When I left my booth, everyone looked at me as if they were surprised I was as good looking as I was. I don't know what they were thinking before, but several of them looked very interested now. To Late, I was bored and ready to go home. None of them were all that hot looking. It isn't the same when you know what they look like. The object of the glory hole is you don't know, you just suck or be sucked, or fuck or be fucked. It is just a cock--an object to fulfill my lust. Just hot man to man sex without strings or names. raw sex!
Well, It wasn't as fulfilling as I had hope but then I did go at an odd time--kind of between crowds. Oh well, I'll just have to pleasure myself at home tonight. :)