Sleep cure over
Well, slept the entire sunday away. I feel odd to have done that but grateful that I had the time to do it. Today, I feel kind of numb and a little shell-shocked. I am taking a few days way from men. Allow myself some time to regroup and center myself.
Still not sure what to do when Richard calls. He was freaked, hadn't slept all night, and all this is a new experience for him. He is used to dating and having relationships with people that don't communicate--that's what he told me.
So, I better understand what he did yesterday. He got scared as hell and ran as fast as he could from things. what does that mean for me? *shrug* I don't know yet. I feel more complete about things. Still kind of shaky and hurt; but know that that is my own personal baggage. It won't change my goals of eating healthy and working out. And yes, part of me is using the anger of the Richard situation to say, "Fuck you! I'll show you a great body!" That is only a little part of me. Most of me is standing strong in the gaol I had set before I even met Richard. I'm changing my body from average to muscular. I want to be in the best shape I can be in when I am 40--that's this summer!
Also, this situation has me taking God that I have dealt with most of my baggage. No longer am I led around by my past, by the traumas, dramas, or hurts. I thank God that I feel so free from the past. Yes, it rears its ugly head from time to time and catches me unaware; but, I am able to quickly recognize it for what it is and deal with it before it can impact my life--can't ask for more than that.
That has me wondering about friendships with former lovers. I know I can be friends with Dave. I look forward to being his friend. Can I be friends with Richard? He said he feels like he has met a great friend but not a lover. Since he fed me so many lines about a relationship with me and I had started opening myself up to the idea and then he let his fears override everything, I don't know if I could be his friend. Of course, all this is just me head trying to make sense of a crazy situation.
I am going to miss kissing richard--we had a great time kissing.
Crazy-crazy situation. Crazy crazy people. Why give up happiness to stay safe in your fear created world. It is like the butterfly refusing to come out of the cocoon because it doesn't know it has wings to fly. Funny thing is, it has the wings whether it uses them or not. The pain of emerging from the cocoon is but a dream , a fleeting prick of pain that is nothing compared to the on-going pain of remaining in a fear-created world. We can be free. Isn't there anyone strong enough to be free with me?
Still not sure what to do when Richard calls. He was freaked, hadn't slept all night, and all this is a new experience for him. He is used to dating and having relationships with people that don't communicate--that's what he told me.
So, I better understand what he did yesterday. He got scared as hell and ran as fast as he could from things. what does that mean for me? *shrug* I don't know yet. I feel more complete about things. Still kind of shaky and hurt; but know that that is my own personal baggage. It won't change my goals of eating healthy and working out. And yes, part of me is using the anger of the Richard situation to say, "Fuck you! I'll show you a great body!" That is only a little part of me. Most of me is standing strong in the gaol I had set before I even met Richard. I'm changing my body from average to muscular. I want to be in the best shape I can be in when I am 40--that's this summer!
Also, this situation has me taking God that I have dealt with most of my baggage. No longer am I led around by my past, by the traumas, dramas, or hurts. I thank God that I feel so free from the past. Yes, it rears its ugly head from time to time and catches me unaware; but, I am able to quickly recognize it for what it is and deal with it before it can impact my life--can't ask for more than that.
That has me wondering about friendships with former lovers. I know I can be friends with Dave. I look forward to being his friend. Can I be friends with Richard? He said he feels like he has met a great friend but not a lover. Since he fed me so many lines about a relationship with me and I had started opening myself up to the idea and then he let his fears override everything, I don't know if I could be his friend. Of course, all this is just me head trying to make sense of a crazy situation.
I am going to miss kissing richard--we had a great time kissing.
Crazy-crazy situation. Crazy crazy people. Why give up happiness to stay safe in your fear created world. It is like the butterfly refusing to come out of the cocoon because it doesn't know it has wings to fly. Funny thing is, it has the wings whether it uses them or not. The pain of emerging from the cocoon is but a dream , a fleeting prick of pain that is nothing compared to the on-going pain of remaining in a fear-created world. We can be free. Isn't there anyone strong enough to be free with me?