sadness
I sorta 'broke up' with a friend last night. And I think I will regret this decision for the rest of my life.
I first got to know her about 2 years ago. It was funny how we met cuz she saw my AIM username "Matthai21" and thought for some reason that I was THAI, like her. I said no, but we continued to chat anyways, off and on for a while. We seemed to have a lot in common, and it was cool to have someone to chat with at work, so we talked over the next two or three months. After a while we talked about hanging out, so one night we met up in Annandale, VA, at this bar Cafe Noir. She had her cousin and two friends with her that night, and i was with my friend Israel. We all went to DC to find this one club we'd never been to before, but we couldn't find it, so we went to Andaluce Lounge instead.
Once inside she immediately saw a bunch of her friends and went to go talk and hang out with them...and basically ignored me the rest of the night, so i figured that well, she just blew me off, so it was over. After a little while more at the bar, Izzy and I decided to go. I figured I'd not talk to her again, since the night didn't really go so well. And for a while i didn't hear from her.
Then about 6 months later I got an email from her, just saying hi and stuff. Nothing big, I'd get infrequent emails from her over the next year or so. But she was never on AIM anymore (I never deleted her username from my buddy list). I'm bad like that, I have a lot of ppl's old usernames or ppl I've not talked to in years, cuz I just never really want to delete them.
So one day I get an AIM from her, from a new SN. We talk about all the "how you been" kinda stuff and get back to where we were before. After a while we exchanged phone numbers and started to call each other and made plans to go out. I think we tried to meet up about 3-4 times before we actually did. She was really cautious about going out to meet up with me. I wasn't so sure why she was so tentative, until one day she told me "I need to be upfront with you, because I'm really starting to like you, but I've got a bf". I too was really starting to like her, but little did I know just how much. At the time I didn't really care that she had a bf cuz as far as I was concerned we were friends, and I was still a bit uncertain if we'd have a repeat of the last time we went out, where she blew me off, and I wasn't really looking for a gf either.
So i was cool with it, and we went out for dinner. At first I would see her about once every 2-3 weeks, but we talked almost everyday. As time went on, i began to see her more frequently and we talked a lot more. From about the beginning of March until last night, she would call me every morning, we would chat every day at work, then she would call me on her way home from work, and right before bed.
As we began to talk more, i started to really like her, then fall for her. One thing about me is I believe in being honest, so I told her how I felt. I think maybe she just thought it was nothing, or maybe she was feeling something too, I don't know, but she didn't want to 'lose' what we had already, so she never said to stop, and seemed ok with it, because i made her happy.
She began to have feelings for me too. At first she would not admit it, but you could tell, i just knew from how she reacted and how she talked that i was more to her than just a friend. Eventually she would tell me this too, yet she still always hestitated. It was because of her bf. But even then, we grew closer and closer. The last few weeks she would come out to see me only with her spare time and would go out of her way just to spend the five minutes that we could see each other together. It got to the point where she had to make a decision to either be with me or him. And I could see in her eyes that she was torn inside, and it hurt her. It just didn't feel right.
Then came my trip to Texas...before i went i knew that it was going to be the tell-tale moment if we were going to be together or not. Because we'd know by how much we missed each other if it was for real or not. So after the trip I knew that it just wasn't going to be. I had to make a decision on what to do. And I decided that in order to make her happy, I would have to end it. It was kinda ironic almost, because earlier in the day I found this 1980s hits CD and decided to play it to hear some old songs, and this one song by Gloria Estefan (I forgot about that song) came on called "Anything for You". It was almost like the words were meant for the moment.
"I'd do anything for you,
I'd give you up,
If that's what i'm to do,
To make you happy"
I knew what i had to do then. I had fallen for her completely...I knew that saying goodbye is not what i want, but she has been so confused over me and him, i didn't want to see her so distraught. And it really sucks because she is pretty much the perfect person for me. I've never met someone who affected me like this...and yet I let her go. It wouldn't have been right, because although we never did anything that would be considered 'cheating' we were emotionally unfaithful. And I could see it was causing her pain, so i made my decision. I had to do it, but I will regret it.
"I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
And though inside I feel like dying
You know you'll never see me crying
Don't you ever think that I don't love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And you just have to say goodbye"
Goodbye, Vip.
I first got to know her about 2 years ago. It was funny how we met cuz she saw my AIM username "Matthai21" and thought for some reason that I was THAI, like her. I said no, but we continued to chat anyways, off and on for a while. We seemed to have a lot in common, and it was cool to have someone to chat with at work, so we talked over the next two or three months. After a while we talked about hanging out, so one night we met up in Annandale, VA, at this bar Cafe Noir. She had her cousin and two friends with her that night, and i was with my friend Israel. We all went to DC to find this one club we'd never been to before, but we couldn't find it, so we went to Andaluce Lounge instead.
Once inside she immediately saw a bunch of her friends and went to go talk and hang out with them...and basically ignored me the rest of the night, so i figured that well, she just blew me off, so it was over. After a little while more at the bar, Izzy and I decided to go. I figured I'd not talk to her again, since the night didn't really go so well. And for a while i didn't hear from her.
Then about 6 months later I got an email from her, just saying hi and stuff. Nothing big, I'd get infrequent emails from her over the next year or so. But she was never on AIM anymore (I never deleted her username from my buddy list). I'm bad like that, I have a lot of ppl's old usernames or ppl I've not talked to in years, cuz I just never really want to delete them.
So one day I get an AIM from her, from a new SN. We talk about all the "how you been" kinda stuff and get back to where we were before. After a while we exchanged phone numbers and started to call each other and made plans to go out. I think we tried to meet up about 3-4 times before we actually did. She was really cautious about going out to meet up with me. I wasn't so sure why she was so tentative, until one day she told me "I need to be upfront with you, because I'm really starting to like you, but I've got a bf". I too was really starting to like her, but little did I know just how much. At the time I didn't really care that she had a bf cuz as far as I was concerned we were friends, and I was still a bit uncertain if we'd have a repeat of the last time we went out, where she blew me off, and I wasn't really looking for a gf either.
So i was cool with it, and we went out for dinner. At first I would see her about once every 2-3 weeks, but we talked almost everyday. As time went on, i began to see her more frequently and we talked a lot more. From about the beginning of March until last night, she would call me every morning, we would chat every day at work, then she would call me on her way home from work, and right before bed.
As we began to talk more, i started to really like her, then fall for her. One thing about me is I believe in being honest, so I told her how I felt. I think maybe she just thought it was nothing, or maybe she was feeling something too, I don't know, but she didn't want to 'lose' what we had already, so she never said to stop, and seemed ok with it, because i made her happy.
She began to have feelings for me too. At first she would not admit it, but you could tell, i just knew from how she reacted and how she talked that i was more to her than just a friend. Eventually she would tell me this too, yet she still always hestitated. It was because of her bf. But even then, we grew closer and closer. The last few weeks she would come out to see me only with her spare time and would go out of her way just to spend the five minutes that we could see each other together. It got to the point where she had to make a decision to either be with me or him. And I could see in her eyes that she was torn inside, and it hurt her. It just didn't feel right.
Then came my trip to Texas...before i went i knew that it was going to be the tell-tale moment if we were going to be together or not. Because we'd know by how much we missed each other if it was for real or not. So after the trip I knew that it just wasn't going to be. I had to make a decision on what to do. And I decided that in order to make her happy, I would have to end it. It was kinda ironic almost, because earlier in the day I found this 1980s hits CD and decided to play it to hear some old songs, and this one song by Gloria Estefan (I forgot about that song) came on called "Anything for You". It was almost like the words were meant for the moment.
"I'd do anything for you,
I'd give you up,
If that's what i'm to do,
To make you happy"
I knew what i had to do then. I had fallen for her completely...I knew that saying goodbye is not what i want, but she has been so confused over me and him, i didn't want to see her so distraught. And it really sucks because she is pretty much the perfect person for me. I've never met someone who affected me like this...and yet I let her go. It wouldn't have been right, because although we never did anything that would be considered 'cheating' we were emotionally unfaithful. And I could see it was causing her pain, so i made my decision. I had to do it, but I will regret it.
"I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
And though inside I feel like dying
You know you'll never see me crying
Don't you ever think that I don't love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And you just have to say goodbye"
Goodbye, Vip.