End of year thoughts
well, so this year of 2004 is coming to an end and it just hit me how fast it's gone by. i moved out of this house and down to Auburn this fall... this summer it seemed like i was just passing time till i would move out. i didn't really have any troubles when i lived here and went to jeff state. everything was easy, i went to school and i mowed grass. i think moving out brought on problems rather than solve anything. it seems as though living on my own is rather easy, and more fun. except i lived with 3 other guys, 1 of which i think is my best guy friend. i can't say if i really have a best friend at all, i've thought i have though at times. something in me wonders how i could ever be a friend to anyone when i wouldn't even want to be my friend. i think this year has changed me for the worse. i don't think i'm as all around nice as i used to be. i've become the opposite of what i thought i would always stay. i used to think i was a sweet and caring person, but i only listen to others problems and not my own. i've ignored some of the problems in my life because i simply have changed my views of things. i don't know where i stand anymore in my religious views, and sometimes that doesn't scare me. i just blow it off like it won't ever matter. but last nite it kinda came to my mind, i thought "if there is a heaven or hell, which would i go to, and does it even matter?" i don't even know if i beleive in God or Jesus anymore. i think that's kinda sad. i've been so worried about what shoes or what jacket i'm gonna wear on what day and what car i freakin drive that i've lost sight that i've become someone no one would want to love. i've wanted to love someone and have a relationship with someone for the past year and it took me just a few days to understand that how could i love someone when i don't even love myself. despite this i'm hardly ever in a bad mood, and i like that about myself. i think that's something to be happy about. haha. iono i don't want to sound too somber.
this past semester i spent alot of time with Chrissy. i think i wrote a journal about that situation. it seemed as though i hadn't gotten over her, and that i still love her. sounds like some sappy movie, but is actually reality, and it has been tough to deal with. it's not easy being friends with someone you really love and care for and it not be able to turn into a relationship. so much of me knows it would work, but yet it probably wouldn't. sometimes things probably are too good to be true, i'm just glad i'm mature enough to handle that situation and realize that love is universal. that it really doesnt always work out for what YOU want, but it has it's own timing, and things do ALWAYS work out for the best. as much as i could want to be with her, that much of me knows that i am so lucky to even have her as a friend. she actually is my oldest friend, or accuaintance i guess you could say. none of my close friends now i've had longer than her. i call her my best friend, even if i'm not hers. i know in that respect i am really blessed, and i thank my lucky stars for that. i know this next year will present a new situation in our friendship as her boyfriend returns, but i'm more happy for her than jealous of him. and that actually is nicely suprising, and that helps how i feel about things working out for the best.
ha, i bet the only person that cares about hearing about that is you Chrissy. ohwell :o)
and still the question of what i want to be when i 'grow up' keeps coming up. i still don't even know. gosh i want to just be happy. i don't wanna type out how i feel about the different things i would want to do but i just know i want to do 3 things with whatever i choose as a career. mainly i want to be happy, i want to be able to play alot of golf, and i would like to see as much of the world as possible. i wish my travels would end in europe and i would just live there instead of in the US, but i'm only just sketching a rough outline now, and not filling in the details, lol.
i don't know what this next two thousand and fifth year will bring exactly. if i could wish i would wish for one thing it would be... well lemme think. i kinda wanna wish for something that i know is a stretch... like going to The Masters golf tournament. i think it's not entirely impossible, but it would be kinda a stretch cause it might take some planning.. but i could be happily supprised? or maybe i should wish for a relationship so i can find someone to love and not be so lonely... but then again i'd probably screw that one up too.. haha. nah, i think i'd wish for something to do with me playing golf. like getting better really fast so i could justplay golf for a living. i really do love golf, and it would mean i'd be my own boss... hmm that'd be nice.
ya know, i think if i did have just one wish for this new upcoming year, i would just be the nice, loving, caring person that you all know i actually really am, and give you all my wish, well sorda. i would wish that at the end of next year we would still be friends. i would love to think that would be your wish also, that's why we can 'share it'.
i keep wonderin if it would matter if i never came back, if i've had a mark on anyones life. hopefully this next year i'll try to mean alittle more to people and do more for others than i do for myself. but i guess we should all do that and this world would be a happier place.
take care and I Love You All.
signing off for 2004,
Matthew Coplin Cook
this past semester i spent alot of time with Chrissy. i think i wrote a journal about that situation. it seemed as though i hadn't gotten over her, and that i still love her. sounds like some sappy movie, but is actually reality, and it has been tough to deal with. it's not easy being friends with someone you really love and care for and it not be able to turn into a relationship. so much of me knows it would work, but yet it probably wouldn't. sometimes things probably are too good to be true, i'm just glad i'm mature enough to handle that situation and realize that love is universal. that it really doesnt always work out for what YOU want, but it has it's own timing, and things do ALWAYS work out for the best. as much as i could want to be with her, that much of me knows that i am so lucky to even have her as a friend. she actually is my oldest friend, or accuaintance i guess you could say. none of my close friends now i've had longer than her. i call her my best friend, even if i'm not hers. i know in that respect i am really blessed, and i thank my lucky stars for that. i know this next year will present a new situation in our friendship as her boyfriend returns, but i'm more happy for her than jealous of him. and that actually is nicely suprising, and that helps how i feel about things working out for the best.
ha, i bet the only person that cares about hearing about that is you Chrissy. ohwell :o)
and still the question of what i want to be when i 'grow up' keeps coming up. i still don't even know. gosh i want to just be happy. i don't wanna type out how i feel about the different things i would want to do but i just know i want to do 3 things with whatever i choose as a career. mainly i want to be happy, i want to be able to play alot of golf, and i would like to see as much of the world as possible. i wish my travels would end in europe and i would just live there instead of in the US, but i'm only just sketching a rough outline now, and not filling in the details, lol.
i don't know what this next two thousand and fifth year will bring exactly. if i could wish i would wish for one thing it would be... well lemme think. i kinda wanna wish for something that i know is a stretch... like going to The Masters golf tournament. i think it's not entirely impossible, but it would be kinda a stretch cause it might take some planning.. but i could be happily supprised? or maybe i should wish for a relationship so i can find someone to love and not be so lonely... but then again i'd probably screw that one up too.. haha. nah, i think i'd wish for something to do with me playing golf. like getting better really fast so i could justplay golf for a living. i really do love golf, and it would mean i'd be my own boss... hmm that'd be nice.
ya know, i think if i did have just one wish for this new upcoming year, i would just be the nice, loving, caring person that you all know i actually really am, and give you all my wish, well sorda. i would wish that at the end of next year we would still be friends. i would love to think that would be your wish also, that's why we can 'share it'.
i keep wonderin if it would matter if i never came back, if i've had a mark on anyones life. hopefully this next year i'll try to mean alittle more to people and do more for others than i do for myself. but i guess we should all do that and this world would be a happier place.
take care and I Love You All.
signing off for 2004,
Matthew Coplin Cook