found

[mattafix_007]

yesterday i am driving along and bam! it hit me... i found it. some of you know me as being pretty light and possibly easy to get along with and i would say that almost none of you know that i have a very very very deeply rooted anger inside of me that always bubbling just below the surface. i get angry at everyone else and at myself quite often

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[mattafix_007]

yeah i'm totally sinking into it and i'm not scared about slipping into myself and dealing with all this stuff. i've been through enough stuff to keep my wits about me. when i say that though i feel like i am portraying myself as saying "i've had the toughest life and i can deal with anything". i'm not. i've had quite a beautiful life with loving friends and family. most of my troubles are self perpetuated mental inabilities that i am trying to overcome.

i dont have a lot of faith in myself with who i am. possibly the one part of me that i can rely on is the part that loves. i read a thing while driving the other day (i do a lot of driving for work) and it said "it is not where i breathe, but where i love that i truly live" and i just found that it struck a chord with me so deeply. i love to love but sadly i dont love myself which is where the whole fight comes from. dont get me wrong....i have been in love. i have given love. but there is a deeper part to me that is totally comfortable with who i am and will be able to give what i truly want to give to the people i care so much about.

i know i can love...there is just an untapped source. i am thinking when the baby comes there will be a massive shift. that's what something told me last night anyways