I really need something to fucking hit.
I'm so tired of dealing with this breakup. I'm tired of just bottling everything up and hiding it away. I had to come face to face with the raging jealousy monster this morning, and I thought that I would kick it's ass, but it ate me alive. I have no right be jealous of Sara's new friends, do I? I mean, I have new friends too, so why can't she? Then again, she gets so damn jealous of anyone that I talk to, even if it is nothing more than a casual conversation with someone I've met in a chat room. We still tell each other that we love each other, because we do (it's just, obviously, not the same kind of love that we used to share), and she has never had a problem saying that in front of my friends, or with a giving me a hug, or a smooch on the cheek. That is, she hasn't had a problem with it, until this morning.
She hung out with one of her new friends last night. She told me that she really does have an interest in him as a friend, and definately not a new boyfriend, and, believe it or not, I deep down believe that. She told me that he feels the same way about her, and although I'm pretty skeptical about that, I trust her. I let her take my car last night while I was at work so she could go hang out with him. When she came to get me this morning from work, he was with her. They had made plans to hang out for a while longer today, and they were just going to drop me off at home. I got so angry at first, but then I put that emotion away, and realized that if the tables were turned, I wouldn't want her to get all angry with me. Well, on the drive home, I started talking to the guy. He's actually really cool; We have a TON of shit in common, and Sara thought that it was so cool that I was actually getting along with her new friend, instead of being the stereotypical jealous ex boyfriend. Well, as they were leaving from our apartment, I told her to be safe, and that I loved her (I refrained from going to give her a smooch, since she had already told me not too; it would be "to akward"). I have never, as far as I can remember, ever told Sara "I love you" and her not say it back. When I said it, she just kind of looked at me like, "Not here, Matt," and so I said it again. She still didn't say anything, and so I whispered, "Tell it to me back," and she just shook her head no.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!?!
I was totally fucking dumbstruck! All I could do was turn away, walk back to the apartment, slam the door, and pace back and forth for 10 minutes, using every bit of will power I had to not put my fist through the wall, and wake up the neighbors.
What right does she have to be jealous, and not let me be the same way? What right does she have to, sometimes, when I'm around another girl, act as if I'm still her boyfriend? Why is she allowed to hug and kiss and say I love you, when someone else is around that she is jealous of, but not let me do the same when this guy, who is "just a friend", is around.
Seriously... I don't fucking get it. I'm so fucking hurt and angry and sad and jealous and heartbroken and raging right now, but you know what? I guess I'll just have to use a little bigger bottle than normal this time. I mean, what right do I have to show my emotions? I'm supposed to be the strong one...
She hung out with one of her new friends last night. She told me that she really does have an interest in him as a friend, and definately not a new boyfriend, and, believe it or not, I deep down believe that. She told me that he feels the same way about her, and although I'm pretty skeptical about that, I trust her. I let her take my car last night while I was at work so she could go hang out with him. When she came to get me this morning from work, he was with her. They had made plans to hang out for a while longer today, and they were just going to drop me off at home. I got so angry at first, but then I put that emotion away, and realized that if the tables were turned, I wouldn't want her to get all angry with me. Well, on the drive home, I started talking to the guy. He's actually really cool; We have a TON of shit in common, and Sara thought that it was so cool that I was actually getting along with her new friend, instead of being the stereotypical jealous ex boyfriend. Well, as they were leaving from our apartment, I told her to be safe, and that I loved her (I refrained from going to give her a smooch, since she had already told me not too; it would be "to akward"). I have never, as far as I can remember, ever told Sara "I love you" and her not say it back. When I said it, she just kind of looked at me like, "Not here, Matt," and so I said it again. She still didn't say anything, and so I whispered, "Tell it to me back," and she just shook her head no.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!?!
I was totally fucking dumbstruck! All I could do was turn away, walk back to the apartment, slam the door, and pace back and forth for 10 minutes, using every bit of will power I had to not put my fist through the wall, and wake up the neighbors.
What right does she have to be jealous, and not let me be the same way? What right does she have to, sometimes, when I'm around another girl, act as if I'm still her boyfriend? Why is she allowed to hug and kiss and say I love you, when someone else is around that she is jealous of, but not let me do the same when this guy, who is "just a friend", is around.
Seriously... I don't fucking get it. I'm so fucking hurt and angry and sad and jealous and heartbroken and raging right now, but you know what? I guess I'll just have to use a little bigger bottle than normal this time. I mean, what right do I have to show my emotions? I'm supposed to be the strong one...