I don't think that the crime of a relationship is found within the commitment and the monogomy. I think it is found in letting it become, what you described as the social norm.
You say you've been hurt by people cheating on you and vice versa. So, let me ask you this... say you meet someone and you happen to fall in love with them. You're ideology is that you don't neccessarily want to be with just them, and you explain this to them, and they're okay with that so long as you are okay with the same. So you grow with this person. The more you learn and experience with them, the more you fall. Then, one day, this person has the oppurtunity to experience something extra ordinary... an all expenses paid trip to India, or a chance to meet a Nobel Peace Prize winner or whatever you might be in to. That person has a chance to share this experience with whomever they'd like, and they choose another lover. Can you seriously say that wouldn't hurt you?
The idea of open relationships may look really pretty from the outside. They're anything but. "It does not envy" whether you get in to a relationship with several people with or without their knowledge and consent, there WILL be envy. "It is not self seeking" The very idea that you have to go outside one romantic, love-filled relationship to be happy... well, that's pretty self seeking. Haha.
If you want my brutally honest opinion, I think you have yet to fall in love Matt Wall. It is completely normal to have a wandering eye, or the desire to be with other people when you are stuck with someone you aren't in love with. I had never, ever been in a relationship where I didn't want to be with someone else before I met the person who I am with now. But when that occured to me (that I would rather be with other people), I got out of it. It's easier said than done because, although you may not be in love, you still LOVE and care for that person and you don't want to hurt them. But it's hurts that person just as much when your mind is elsewhere than it would to say goodbye, or to simply demote your relationship to what it is: friendship.
But, with all that said, if what you feel is right for you is to live your life without giving someone your heart, completely (and rather give lots of people little pieces of it), hey! All the more power for you. If it works, it works. But just remember Matt, there is a reason why the age of the Aquarian lover had a very, very short run and is non existent today ;)
Tirzah, I'm so glad you of all people are adding input on this subject, because it's a lot less productive when it's just my own voice that I listen to, and also, you are in a position right now that is completely antithetical from where I am right now, which makes for a really different and fresh perspective. Also, on that line of thinking, congratulations on everything that's happening in your life. It's really awesome to see someone so happy and experiencing such good things. Another reason I'm glad you replied is because no one really wants to talk about these kind of things, but I've always thought such dialogue to be extremely rewarding. I see that for the most part, you've played the part of the realist in your reply. It's important to come back down to Earth sometimes, which is a problem I have majorly from time to time: floating way out. And I have to admit that you're right, Corinthian love is idealism to the extreme. It just might be, as you've pointed out, completely impossible not to feel envy or those other negative feelings associated with love, even in the context of an open relationship. However, and this is what has been on my mind a lot lately, every religion at the very least deals with pride and matters of the ego. I've been thinking more and more that there is this very real thing called love, perhaps what is described in Corinthians and a vast array of other places, but it has become polluted and misunderstood because we associate it with so many things having to do with our ego. We often make one person our identity, we possess them, they define us. You might be right though, there might be no escaping this no matter what we do. However, my approach is, I want to get to the root of what love is, and separate it from the garbage, and villianize those aspects that have been tacked onto it and have formally defined love. For instance, if I were in this open relationship where someone would decide to be with a nobel prize winner or go to India resulting in me feeling envy and insecurity, I would look at those feelings with suspicion and realize that these are unhealthy, egotistical reactions because A. I could never own someone else, that is just an illusion, and B. I should never compare myself to someone else because that kind of thinking hinges on an almost materialistic view of people that suggests that people are defined by certain traits and accomplishments that are somehow eternal, when in reality people are ever changing and being redefined within the contexts of their given moment and surroundings. Buuttttt... honestly, I probably would feel jealousy anyways, making this whole thing just airy theory. Easier said than done right? However, I want to try this approach or theory out on life as an experiment for a while, because the old way is not working for me. I have to find a new way, and I truly believe that all my problems and pain have less to do with other people and more to do with my attachments and ways of thinking.
This does look like a declaration of promiscuity, but it really isn't. As I get older the hookups all start to feel the same and stale. I want to clarify this, I believe that a monogomous relationship, or at the very least an ongoing, long term love between two people can be everything that it's cracked up to be, and deep down I want that. There was a time when I didn't, and by the time that my values finally changed it was too late, and rightfully so. Then I pursued another and became unhealthily attached in the traditional sense, so that when karma (you know the kind I had coming) came back at me, I was bombarded by the most negative feelings. I want to avoid these negative feelings now, more than anything, and see if there is a way I can structure my approach to somehow factor out the bullshit and just feel real unconditional love. I don't think I can do that in a traditional relationship even though you and countless other people might be able to. I get too wrapped up in what it makes me to be with this person, along with feelings of pride and possession. You might be right, maybe I've never fallen in love, although I'm pretty sure I have, maybe there is this greater thing that I just haven't yet encountered. It would be stupid to say that there's no such thing as something just because I've never found it, and it is exciting and encouraging to hear you say that you've found it. I've just always been prone to think that there is no "it", but that there are as many different loves as there are connections between people and that every relation I've had was valid, whether they worked out in the long run or not. Although, I'll admit, some relations I have had seemed a lot closer to the "it" you speak of than others, and those ones are hard to see go. To put it simply, I think the idea of "falling in love with the one" is an oversimplification that leads to unhealthy attachments, but I might be wrong. This thing might exist, which according to you it appears that it does. I'm always up for being proven wrong, and in this case, that might be a very good thing for me.
You say you've been hurt by people cheating on you and vice versa. So, let me ask you this... say you meet someone and you happen to fall in love with them. You're ideology is that you don't neccessarily want to be with just them, and you explain this to them, and they're okay with that so long as you are okay with the same. So you grow with this person. The more you learn and experience with them, the more you fall. Then, one day, this person has the oppurtunity to experience something extra ordinary... an all expenses paid trip to India, or a chance to meet a Nobel Peace Prize winner or whatever you might be in to. That person has a chance to share this experience with whomever they'd like, and they choose another lover. Can you seriously say that wouldn't hurt you?
The idea of open relationships may look really pretty from the outside. They're anything but. "It does not envy" whether you get in to a relationship with several people with or without their knowledge and consent, there WILL be envy. "It is not self seeking" The very idea that you have to go outside one romantic, love-filled relationship to be happy... well, that's pretty self seeking. Haha.
If you want my brutally honest opinion, I think you have yet to fall in love Matt Wall. It is completely normal to have a wandering eye, or the desire to be with other people when you are stuck with someone you aren't in love with. I had never, ever been in a relationship where I didn't want to be with someone else before I met the person who I am with now. But when that occured to me (that I would rather be with other people), I got out of it. It's easier said than done because, although you may not be in love, you still LOVE and care for that person and you don't want to hurt them. But it's hurts that person just as much when your mind is elsewhere than it would to say goodbye, or to simply demote your relationship to what it is: friendship.
But, with all that said, if what you feel is right for you is to live your life without giving someone your heart, completely (and rather give lots of people little pieces of it), hey! All the more power for you. If it works, it works. But just remember Matt, there is a reason why the age of the Aquarian lover had a very, very short run and is non existent today ;)
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I see that for the most part, you've played the part of the realist in your reply. It's important to come back down to Earth sometimes, which is a problem I have majorly from time to time: floating way out. And I have to admit that you're right, Corinthian love is idealism to the extreme. It just might be, as you've pointed out, completely impossible not to feel envy or those other negative feelings associated with love, even in the context of an open relationship. However, and this is what has been on my mind a lot lately, every religion at the very least deals with pride and matters of the ego. I've been thinking more and more that there is this very real thing called love, perhaps what is described in Corinthians and a vast array of other places, but it has become polluted and misunderstood because we associate it with so many things having to do with our ego. We often make one person our identity, we possess them, they define us. You might be right though, there might be no escaping this no matter what we do. However, my approach is, I want to get to the root of what love is, and separate it from the garbage, and villianize those aspects that have been tacked onto it and have formally defined love. For instance, if I were in this open relationship where someone would decide to be with a nobel prize winner or go to India resulting in me feeling envy and insecurity, I would look at those feelings with suspicion and realize that these are unhealthy, egotistical reactions because A. I could never own someone else, that is just an illusion, and B. I should never compare myself to someone else because that kind of thinking hinges on an almost materialistic view of people that suggests that people are defined by certain traits and accomplishments that are somehow eternal, when in reality people are ever changing and being redefined within the contexts of their given moment and surroundings. Buuttttt... honestly, I probably would feel jealousy anyways, making this whole thing just airy theory. Easier said than done right? However, I want to try this approach or theory out on life as an experiment for a while, because the old way is not working for me. I have to find a new way, and I truly believe that all my problems and pain have less to do with other people and more to do with my attachments and ways of thinking.
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