bah humbug
This is the reprise of the post that got eaten a few days ago.... I'm in NYC until Wed night. Then back to LA... finally. I HATE promotion!!!... okay onward to what I was going to say.
I started off this year in high spirits for Christmas. But now, I don't know... I've become disgruntled with the long lines, cranky sales people and general "mob mentality" that ensues around the Christmas season. I guess it all started a few weeks ago when Dani and I had to pick a Christmas tree.
9AM-
This normally would not have been a problem, but seeing as our houses were burned down back in March, EVERYTHING went with 'em. So we had to start from scratch. We started the season off with the live/artifical tree debate. After a few hours of bickering lightly, we decided that a live tree would be better this year and we'll pick up an artificial when they go on sale after the holidays. So we head to the lot.
I like the blue spruce. Dani likes the Norwegian Fur. This proved to be a problem. There was no middle ground. There is no way around this. Except.. heading to your local wally-world and picking up a 8-foot artifical tree at peak cost of the season. Which, despite our good judgement is what we did. Stand in line at Wally-world for a good hour or so holding this damn tree in its awkward box. The handles break 15 minutes into the wait. End up half dragging the tree through the parking lot back to the car. Dani's car. Small car. Strapped tree to roof in its box and prayed for the best.
12PM
We return home with the tree and begin the ardious task of setting it up. I have this little quirk about everything being "just-so." This includes the branches of the tree. Dani set her side up and left the room. I then proceeded to spend the next hour fixing what she had done so it matched and the tree looked perfectly even and level. I even had to trim a few of the branches with wire-cutters to achieve that "anal-retentive" perfection I'm so noted for. Little did I know that our journey was just beginning...
2PM
Are you sure you want to read more? Okay so the tree is set up. Next step would be lights. I like one color of lights, preferably blue or white but nothing that blinks, flashes or scrolls amongst a million different colors. I think that's tacky. Dani likes the scrolling millions of colors. I drag my butt back to wally-world and pick up a set of white lights and green lights, both of which scroll and choke down my nausea as I imagine the hell we are about in invoke on this tree. I was treated rudely by a cashier and told that they couldn't accept my check without a driver's license which address matched the top of the check. Yank out ye handy mastercard and VIOLA, we have a transaction and a slightly disgruntled Matthew.
4PM
Return home after being stuck in traffic for 45 mins. Eat lunch/dinner. Feel a bit better and more willing to get back to the tree. Find out that Dani has purchased golden angels to go on the white lights around the tree, to make it look gold. Spend a hour arguing about why we have to put stupid looking angels over perfectly good lights. I could have bought gold lights you know.
5PM
She wins, but agrees that the white lights will not scroll, blink or flash if we put the angels on them. Spend 10 minutes lacing the lights around the tree. Matthew spends next hour spacing each angel perfectly from the next, yet not too close to the green lights to avoid clashing. Smiles at his newly found amazing anal retentiveness actually makes the tree look half decent. Green lights are now scrolling. Matthew surpresses urge to rip them down.
6:15PM
It is now time to traverse the ungodly world of gift and ornament shops. When I was a kid, I remember ornaments came in like packs of 20 or so bulbs and you could decorate the tree with that, along with a few hand crafted ceramic ornaments and make a decent looking tree. Do these bulbs exist anymore? I don't think so. Instead the consumer is forced to pick a "motif" for the tree. Snowmen, Angels, Santas, Stars, Glass, Silver, Gold etc... Standard bulbs apparently do not exist in this world any longer.. be advised. Matthew hesitantly picks out a few ornaments that seem like they would look somewhat decent with the flashing green, golden angels perfectly branched and trimmed tree sitting back at the house. Dani picks hers. Check out.... They don't accept mastercard. Matthew a bit more distrungled, but relaxes when they state they accept checks. Well, isn't that special?
9PM
12 hours on this tree. I see a stray branch and I bend it back into place after arriving home with our ornaments. Dani tells me that she wants to decorate the tree with the ornaments and I can see it when its done and she tells me to go to wally-world (AGAIN) and pick up the tree topper that we saw earlier. I cringe at the thought of what the tree will look like when I return home. I once again, return to wally-world and pick up the golden angel tree topper that does not blink or flash, just sits there, looking pretty. Debate getting large inflatable Snowman for front yard, but decide against it. Am once again in line. Observe a large mob of people rushing towards the toy-asile. Become frightened for my life, cling desperately to the tree topper. Use Mastercard at checkout then get the buck outta Dodge before that mob exits the store.
11PM
Return home... again. Walk into family room and see tree, decorated with glass angels, toy santas and stuffed snowmen. I cringe at the uneven placement... an angel, a snowman and then another snowman then too much green space. Start to fidget. Dani tells me to fix it before I have an anyuerism. I spend the next hour strategically placing each ornament around the tree.
1AM
Tempted to just fling the tree topper to the top, I climb the step ladder and put her up there. Dani has fallen asleep on the couch. I step back and admire my work on the tree. Perfectly arranged, lighted and decorated.
So what did I learn?
Christmas Tree: $200
Lights (and Angels): $40
Decorations:$300
Knowing that I'll never have to go back to Walmart this holiday season: Priceless.
I am Matthew, hear me roar... Lord of the Christmas Tree.
I started off this year in high spirits for Christmas. But now, I don't know... I've become disgruntled with the long lines, cranky sales people and general "mob mentality" that ensues around the Christmas season. I guess it all started a few weeks ago when Dani and I had to pick a Christmas tree.
9AM-
This normally would not have been a problem, but seeing as our houses were burned down back in March, EVERYTHING went with 'em. So we had to start from scratch. We started the season off with the live/artifical tree debate. After a few hours of bickering lightly, we decided that a live tree would be better this year and we'll pick up an artificial when they go on sale after the holidays. So we head to the lot.
I like the blue spruce. Dani likes the Norwegian Fur. This proved to be a problem. There was no middle ground. There is no way around this. Except.. heading to your local wally-world and picking up a 8-foot artifical tree at peak cost of the season. Which, despite our good judgement is what we did. Stand in line at Wally-world for a good hour or so holding this damn tree in its awkward box. The handles break 15 minutes into the wait. End up half dragging the tree through the parking lot back to the car. Dani's car. Small car. Strapped tree to roof in its box and prayed for the best.
12PM
We return home with the tree and begin the ardious task of setting it up. I have this little quirk about everything being "just-so." This includes the branches of the tree. Dani set her side up and left the room. I then proceeded to spend the next hour fixing what she had done so it matched and the tree looked perfectly even and level. I even had to trim a few of the branches with wire-cutters to achieve that "anal-retentive" perfection I'm so noted for. Little did I know that our journey was just beginning...
2PM
Are you sure you want to read more? Okay so the tree is set up. Next step would be lights. I like one color of lights, preferably blue or white but nothing that blinks, flashes or scrolls amongst a million different colors. I think that's tacky. Dani likes the scrolling millions of colors. I drag my butt back to wally-world and pick up a set of white lights and green lights, both of which scroll and choke down my nausea as I imagine the hell we are about in invoke on this tree. I was treated rudely by a cashier and told that they couldn't accept my check without a driver's license which address matched the top of the check. Yank out ye handy mastercard and VIOLA, we have a transaction and a slightly disgruntled Matthew.
4PM
Return home after being stuck in traffic for 45 mins. Eat lunch/dinner. Feel a bit better and more willing to get back to the tree. Find out that Dani has purchased golden angels to go on the white lights around the tree, to make it look gold. Spend a hour arguing about why we have to put stupid looking angels over perfectly good lights. I could have bought gold lights you know.
5PM
She wins, but agrees that the white lights will not scroll, blink or flash if we put the angels on them. Spend 10 minutes lacing the lights around the tree. Matthew spends next hour spacing each angel perfectly from the next, yet not too close to the green lights to avoid clashing. Smiles at his newly found amazing anal retentiveness actually makes the tree look half decent. Green lights are now scrolling. Matthew surpresses urge to rip them down.
6:15PM
It is now time to traverse the ungodly world of gift and ornament shops. When I was a kid, I remember ornaments came in like packs of 20 or so bulbs and you could decorate the tree with that, along with a few hand crafted ceramic ornaments and make a decent looking tree. Do these bulbs exist anymore? I don't think so. Instead the consumer is forced to pick a "motif" for the tree. Snowmen, Angels, Santas, Stars, Glass, Silver, Gold etc... Standard bulbs apparently do not exist in this world any longer.. be advised. Matthew hesitantly picks out a few ornaments that seem like they would look somewhat decent with the flashing green, golden angels perfectly branched and trimmed tree sitting back at the house. Dani picks hers. Check out.... They don't accept mastercard. Matthew a bit more distrungled, but relaxes when they state they accept checks. Well, isn't that special?
9PM
12 hours on this tree. I see a stray branch and I bend it back into place after arriving home with our ornaments. Dani tells me that she wants to decorate the tree with the ornaments and I can see it when its done and she tells me to go to wally-world (AGAIN) and pick up the tree topper that we saw earlier. I cringe at the thought of what the tree will look like when I return home. I once again, return to wally-world and pick up the golden angel tree topper that does not blink or flash, just sits there, looking pretty. Debate getting large inflatable Snowman for front yard, but decide against it. Am once again in line. Observe a large mob of people rushing towards the toy-asile. Become frightened for my life, cling desperately to the tree topper. Use Mastercard at checkout then get the buck outta Dodge before that mob exits the store.
11PM
Return home... again. Walk into family room and see tree, decorated with glass angels, toy santas and stuffed snowmen. I cringe at the uneven placement... an angel, a snowman and then another snowman then too much green space. Start to fidget. Dani tells me to fix it before I have an anyuerism. I spend the next hour strategically placing each ornament around the tree.
1AM
Tempted to just fling the tree topper to the top, I climb the step ladder and put her up there. Dani has fallen asleep on the couch. I step back and admire my work on the tree. Perfectly arranged, lighted and decorated.
So what did I learn?
Christmas Tree: $200
Lights (and Angels): $40
Decorations:$300
Knowing that I'll never have to go back to Walmart this holiday season: Priceless.
I am Matthew, hear me roar... Lord of the Christmas Tree.