I Now Pronounce You Liable For Damages
Today's post from renniekins described a conversation with an Egyptian emigrant who, from the perspective of his cultural divide, can't understand why she's not married. In eloquent terms that speak for themselves, she explained to him why so many American women do not feel any need to desperately throw themselves at the first "good enough" guy who's stable
( Read more... )
It fits into the equation really well. There is an expectation problem at work. Those cultures expect little, demand little, and as a result receive little. Then they bend over and say "thank you sir can I have another" with an obsequious smile. Thriving? Most people in Westernized cultures, especially feminists, if given a close look at the day-to-day conditions and relationship style of an arranged marriage, would say "good gravy, that needs to end! Have they no self-worth? Are they humans or cattle?" I don't envy arranged marriages at all, no matter how happy the people in them are, for the same reason that I happen to not be masochistic or suicidal. But if other people are masochistic and suicidal, or in an arranged marriage, hey, pain/death/imprisonment might give them kinky kicks! Who am I to judge? And that's just counting the ones that say they're happy, never mind the cases of indentured servitude.
By contrast, over here our expectations are ridiculously high. For instance, we think a marriage has failed unless it lasts forever. I don't consider longevity a measure of marriage success, because most of them last way too long. How many marriages that do not end in divorce are merely endured for the sake of children, in a stupor of boredom, until ended gratefully by the sweet release of death? That was where R and I were probably headed. Our marriage lasted five years and we graduated from it successfully. It was quite a peaceful marriage, the same peace you would find in the accounting department at Cadaver and Jaundice, PLC. So we didn't break up because of fighting, we just didn't believe in the value of "forever" anymore. We walked arm-in-arm through divorce court and went out for ice cream to celebrate with hugs and kisses. In fact it was so successful, the relationship was greatly improved by divorce and that's why we eventually moved back in together.
So yes, I agree people should be more realistic about love. There are two ways that jaded cynics like you and me can go-- giving up to conformity and going along with the problem, or a hopelessly doomed radicalism that will never work but is worth trying anyway. If (a big if) you're not just playing devil's advocate, I think it's clear which one of us has which of those styles of cynicism. The answer is definitely not a stone-age throwback to obsolete relationship styles that worked when everybody was a slave to somebody above them and closed off all choices for the rest of one's life. Riding those railroad tracks is the easy, lazy way. The answer is to embrace the modern buffet style of individualized options. Get radical and innovative. Do the hard work of finding a customized approach. It's even harder than replenishing your circle of friends who have your back when some of them move away. But that's life whether you're married or not, and those who want guarantees are fooling themselves.
Reply
Leave a comment