Re: Did you have...matt_arnoldNovember 18 2004, 08:21:45 UTC
I can see many formative processes and influences. One can only change what's inside through the leveraging of other stuff that's already in there; in other words people tend to modify beliefs when they notice that their existing beliefs are fighting each other. This is why I often try to tailor my arguments to appeal to a value or belief that I think my listener already accepts and cherishes, to try to get it fighting with some other belief and feed it at the expense of its competitor. In that regard I see that there were certain crucial elements that I had for most of my life and I merely elevated them when I realized their importance.
For instance, when I was a teenager I read Xenocide by Orson Scott Card. In this novel one of the protagonists has been secretly genetically engineered to have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder which she has been trained to interpret as messages from the gods so that she can serve in the priesthood. When the plot is uncovered, she defiantly said that even with a cure, the gods would continue to speak to her. Even after she was cured and the compulsions went away, she continued doing the rituals anyway until she died.
It was only last month that I realized that Orson Scott Card, who is a Mormon, might have intended that ending to be inspirational. When I read the book all those years ago I was horrified; it's the first time in my memory that I experienced doubt. Not about the bible; deeper than that; about the mental practice of loyally defying the truth, which I constantly heard preached. This character was limiting herself and holding back all those around her to serve the deception set up by her betrayers.
In October of 2000, I told my father that my spiritual life of devotion and prayer wasn't working the way it was supposed to, because I couldn't perceive any interaction from God. I asked if he had helpful advice. If I ever had a breaking experience, this was it. He said I should avoid thinking about it. He said to stop listening to or reading anything secular and listen constantly to a set of to church CDs or singing and preaching that he gave me. I asked what criteria I could apply by which to measure whether or not I was being interacted with my God. This question distressed him and he said I was "planning to fail." I asked him point blank, "if what he believe were not true, would you want to know?" He said life wouldn't be worth living.
I went away from that tearful meeting thinking maybe things would change in my spiritual life, but not knowing how. None of my questions were answered, only dodged. This was the last gasp, as the realization dawned that I had been betrayed. Deliberately lying to oneself and calling it a virtue, and using emotionalistic distractions to train the next generation to do it, seemed such a stupid and evil dereliction and abdication that it accounted for most of the problems of the world. I got very little sleep over the next year lying awake muttering with rage at those who were betraying me and themselves. This wasn't sudden enough to be called an epiphany, but it lit the fuse that blew up an entire ammo depot of dependency and conformity in my mind. Within a matter of weeks or months the internal war was decisively over. All that was left to do was build a whole new mental terrain.
Re: Did you have...matt_arnoldNovember 18 2004, 09:48:56 UTC
The last time I told this story, someone suggested someone else to talk to "if I want to restore my religion." In case anyone is having selective listening, let me re-state the following: I do not miss it, I do not need it, I do not want it, I actively wish to avoid it, and I ought to shoot myself in the head rather than go to a priest or rabbi to help me TURN TO THE DARK SIDE. Jeez-o-peets, people.
For instance, when I was a teenager I read Xenocide by Orson Scott Card. In this novel one of the protagonists has been secretly genetically engineered to have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder which she has been trained to interpret as messages from the gods so that she can serve in the priesthood. When the plot is uncovered, she defiantly said that even with a cure, the gods would continue to speak to her. Even after she was cured and the compulsions went away, she continued doing the rituals anyway until she died.
It was only last month that I realized that Orson Scott Card, who is a Mormon, might have intended that ending to be inspirational. When I read the book all those years ago I was horrified; it's the first time in my memory that I experienced doubt. Not about the bible; deeper than that; about the mental practice of loyally defying the truth, which I constantly heard preached. This character was limiting herself and holding back all those around her to serve the deception set up by her betrayers.
In October of 2000, I told my father that my spiritual life of devotion and prayer wasn't working the way it was supposed to, because I couldn't perceive any interaction from God. I asked if he had helpful advice. If I ever had a breaking experience, this was it. He said I should avoid thinking about it. He said to stop listening to or reading anything secular and listen constantly to a set of to church CDs or singing and preaching that he gave me. I asked what criteria I could apply by which to measure whether or not I was being interacted with my God. This question distressed him and he said I was "planning to fail." I asked him point blank, "if what he believe were not true, would you want to know?" He said life wouldn't be worth living.
I went away from that tearful meeting thinking maybe things would change in my spiritual life, but not knowing how. None of my questions were answered, only dodged. This was the last gasp, as the realization dawned that I had been betrayed. Deliberately lying to oneself and calling it a virtue, and using emotionalistic distractions to train the next generation to do it, seemed such a stupid and evil dereliction and abdication that it accounted for most of the problems of the world. I got very little sleep over the next year lying awake muttering with rage at those who were betraying me and themselves. This wasn't sudden enough to be called an epiphany, but it lit the fuse that blew up an entire ammo depot of dependency and conformity in my mind. Within a matter of weeks or months the internal war was decisively over. All that was left to do was build a whole new mental terrain.
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