Stargate SG-1: Human Heart PG-13 1/1
TITLE: Human Heart
AUTHOR: Matt
SUMMARY: What did Qetesh teach Vala about the opposite sex? What did Vala have to learn for herself? Daniel/Vala
RATING: PG-13
CHALLENGE: fanfic100 - Insides
NOTE: Recognisable dialogue is from the SG-1 episode Unending, written by Robert C. Cooper.
THANKS: Thanks to all those who directed me to transcripts of Unending. Thanks also to alliesings for the beta.
As much as I hate to admit it, Qetesh did teach me a lot about men. That isn’t to say I was a naïve girl before she took possession of me. It’s hard to be that when you have Jasec for a father and Adria for a step-mother. The lives they led did not permit any daughter of theirs to be ignorant of how the universe works. But Qestesh showed me the finer points of being a powerful woman.
A woman should be forceful in all that she does. I certainly knew how to be that. A show of force isn’t always something physical. Sometimes, you have to know how something works and know how to work your way around it. Which is what I did when I came upon the Prometheus that one day. I wanted it, and therefore I was going to get it. I manipulated the situation and then overpowered the one being on board who thought he could outwit me. He was both brave and stupid. Then again, once I discovered he was Daniel Jackson of SG-1, his actions didn’t really surprise me. He’s one of the few academics in this universe who can actually fight when he needs to.
A woman should always keep a man off-guard. Daniel’s face was a picture when I commented on how attractive he was. After all, from his perspective, he was being propositioned by one of Anubis’s ‘super-soldiers.’ I found it quite amusing really, given that the real soldiers are all just drones with zero emotions. I threw him off again when I removed the annoying helmet and shook out my hair. Daniel had not been expecting to see a woman beneath all that black armour.
The fight was fun. It was also exhilarating, even if I did lose. From there, it was a matter of keeping the boy on his toes by alternatively flirting and threatening him. I’m sure I hindered his progress in retaking his precious ship. I do wish I’d seen when he had to negotiate with Tenat, wearing that armour. It would have been priceless. Ultimately, I lost the Prometheus, but I do feel I won the battle since I was able to escape.
The humans of Earth have quite the reputation. Therefore, it was fairly easy to track them down. I persuaded the team I found that I needed to speak with the esteemed Doctor Jackson and that was seemingly enough to grant me passage through the Earth’s Stargate. And there was Daniel, just as I remembered. However, I’m not sure how anyone fell for my line about me being pregnant and him being the father. Still, it was a means to an end, and the end certainly justified the means.
I am embarrassed to state I had no idea just how much those bracelets would work and definitely not what sort of an effect they would have. I honestly thought that once they came off - which would be at my demand - that would be it. I certainly didn’t know of the lasting effects. But, even though they were an inconvenience at times, we certainly had our fun despite being stuck on base or only allowed out with an escort. Then again, the sight of Daniel and Cameron in leather while we were on our bracelet fact-finding mission was enough to provide fuel for any woman’s fantasies.
Qetesh’s third rule was always to leave them wanting more. I saw only one way to stop that super-Stargate thing from operating, but no one would listen. Yes, it was risky but it had to be done. Many thought I’d begun mellowing, that I had become a believer in the SGC’s goals. But, ultimately, I just didn’t want those Ori taking over my galaxy. Their ways were not for me, and a girl’s fun would be extremely curtailed if they enforced our laws on us. How can anyone make a profit if they have to spend so many hours of the day in prostration? So I borrowed a craft and stopped the Gate from activating. I’d had every intention of returning with it. Some day. And if I didn’t get around to it, I was certain the SGC would track me down to retrieve it and I would see my dear Daniel again.
Qetesh could not teach me on love, however; she had no use for it. That lesson I had to learn on my own. Don’t get me wrong, it certainly wasn’t love at first sight. I was, however, telling him the truth when we first met on Prometheus. Daniel Jackson is an extremely attractive man, and it was certainly fun to roam around the galaxy with him at first, although our first brush with the Ori changed all that. But I soon came to realise that Daniel was not all brains and brawn. He cared passionately.
I think it was the return of my memories after my abduction that forced me to re-evaluate my feelings. It’s strange. I had often wished for amnesia so I could block out my time as a host. I didn’t like the constant uncertainty of wondering what nightmares would come each time I went to sleep. Having my memories forcibly blocked, however, made me reconsider. After all, along with the stuff of nightmares, the good memories of my life on Earth were also stolen. Daniel did eventually find me, thankfully, and something inside me recognised him. Instinct drove me into his arms, and I knew I was safe.
Feeling safe wasn’t a concept with which I was wholly familiar. Trusting someone wasn’t a common occurrence either. I felt both of these with Daniel. I had trusted him this far, and he’d accepted me for who I was. The resulting feelings towards him were almost overwhelming and brought with them a new set of problems. If I let him in deeper, if I showed him a Vala who used frivolity and flirtation as a cover, what would he think? Could I let my guard down in front of him, or would he take my fragile feelings and smash them to pieces? Would he see this hidden side of me and think of it as another play in Vala’s never-ending quest to seduce him? Would he trust me again or would I lose something I’d never considered so precious before? If I told him the truth as I believed it to be - that he had become the most important person in my world - would he laugh and tell me I was a fool? Would he tell me that we could never be more than friends - if he even considered us friends - and that I’d be the last person in this galaxy or the next that he’d form a romantic relationship with? Would he ultimately bring up every time I’d propositioned him and wonder how I hadn’t got the hint when he’d rejected me each time?
I’d always hated what Qestesh did while she had control of me. Now, for the first time ever, I regretted my own past actions. However, since I couldn’t see a way out without being left in a fragmented mess, I had no choice but to continue with the façade.
The truth finally tumbled out during a bad argument on base. It had been a bad day; we’d lost several good men off-world and we’d been unable to immediately retrieve the bodies. I’d known one of them. Sergeant Marks had taught me to drive, having been a qualified instructor before he decided to join the military. We’d had losses before, but this one hit me harder than the others for some unfathomable reason.
I went to Daniel’s lab first, but he wasn’t there. I eventually found him in his quarters and barged in brazenly. Daniel would probably reject my advances, but I figured we’d most likely end up talking, and that would be enough for me. Perhaps I’d be able to gather up enough nerve to express how I felt over Marks. I closed Daniels’ door, captured his eyes, and dropped my robe.
It wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before. During one of my first nights on Earth, I’d managed to persuade a guard to let me into Daniel’s quarters. When the man himself arrived, I was lying in his bed wearing a rather fetching red ensemble. So, as usual, I waited for Daniel’s sarcastic rejection of my offer and the accompanying - yet very conflicting - apologetic smile that would spread across his face. It had become somewhat of a game. I’d proposition, he’d reject, I’d get changed again, we’d grab a pizza from the Commissary and talk throughout the night.
But the sarcasm and the smile didn’t come. Instead, he exploded. “You have to be kidding me!”
“Why?”
The oncoming words were like shrapnel, wounding me more than I had ever thought possible, It had been one thing to imagine harsh rejections in my head. It was another to hear them in reality.
“Why? Oh come on. Do you believe I could have any kind of serious feelings for you?”
There went any hope of a relationship with him, although I couldn’t understand why he’d reacted in this way. All I could do was salvage the friendship I thought we had. “I wasn’t suggesting… you have… serious… feelings, Daniel.” I thought my words were steady, but I had to turn away so he couldn’t see my face.
“Oh? So what? We sleep together once? Then what?” He walked away and I sunk onto his bed, my legs unable to hold me any longer. “I mean I can’t even imagine what a relationship with you would be like. I mean, yes, you’ve proven yourself to be trustworthy on a professional level and for that I am very proud of you, but on a personal level…”
Tears began to fall down my cheeks. I was losing the first friendship I’d ever treasured. I wanted to get out of his room, but I couldn’t move, and Daniel wasn’t even close to being finished. I resolved to keep my head turned away from him so he couldn’t see how bad I was.
“Vala, come on, give me a break. I mean, at best you’re a… you’re an emotional, unstable wreck… but hey, I’m not saying I’m much better. There was a time when I thought I would… I would never get over my wife. I mean, the idea of… being hurt that way again. But I finally got to the place… for the first time in a long time… where I actually feel I could get close to somebody again. But… not in a million years… a million, million years… would I ever consider that person being you! I mean, we are so completely opposite and… wrong for each other it’s not even funny. And the worst part… the worst part about it is… you know that.”
Okay, I did know that. We were complete opposites, but where in the universe was it written that two opposite people couldn’t have a close relationship? He was killing me. Couldn’t he tell? I was falling apart. Was he even looking at me?
“And this whole flirty sexual thing that you do… that’s just your way of having a laugh at my expense. So I’m sorry if I’m not more appreciative of that, but don’t you pretend that it’s anything else!”
I had done it to myself. The facade I’d created due to Qetesh had just ruined the best thing I could have had. I took a deep breath and tried to dry my cheeks with my hand.
“Don’t act like you’re hurt.”
That did it. I had to get out of here. Perhaps General Landry would allow me to go work on their Alpha Site or maybe Atlantis. I couldn’t stay here. I fished around for my robe, grasped it and began pulling it on. I could hear him crossing the room and then I felt him sit down beside me.
“Hey.” His voice was gentle, as was the touch I felt on my back, but I couldn’t take it and shied away.
“Just give me a minute,” I pleaded.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t he leave me alone? I’d be gone in a moment and he’d never have to see me again. But Daniel persisted, pulling my hair back from my face. He wanted to see how hurt I actually was, the bastard. Well, let him look. The last look he had of me would be emblazoned on his memory and he’d always remember how he’d humiliated me whenever he thought of me.
But when I did turn to face him, there was no look of smug victory on his face. Instead, he looked stunned as though he’d never really thought I could break. “Vala,” he breathed. He brushed his finger across my cheek and I wanted to turn away, unable to bear this sudden onset of sympathy. “Oh, crap, Vala… I…” He pulled me gently towards him and before I knew quite what had happened he kissed me.
Naturally, without any thought whatsoever, I responded, resting my hand against his neck. The kiss was soft and gentle, so devoid of the anger I’d witnessed just moments ago.
We pulled back and Daniel smiled. “You better not be messing with me.”
He leaned in again, but this time I did pull back. “What about you?” I asked hesitantly. “Are you messing with me?”
He dropped his hand from my face, removed my hand from his neck and held both my hands tightly. “No,” he said quietly. “And I should never have said what I did. I’m sorry”
I shook my head. “No, don’t… don’t apologise. It’s me. I’ve acted like this for so long it’s probably hard to work out who I really am.” I smiled guiltily. “I have a hard time myself.”
“It’s easier to build up the walls than to break them down, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
We didn’t go to the Commissary for pizza. Nor did we end up in bed together, which Daniel has admitted he found surprising. Instead, we half sat, half lay on the bed. Daniel had his back to the headboard and I curled up in his arms. And we talked. It was the best thing for us really. Oh, I would have slept with Daniel in a heartbeat, but that would have been the easy thing to do. I could have celebrated winning him over and making him succumb to doing my bidding. But I’m glad I didn’t. Sleeping with Daniel and acting like that would have sealed up the façade that had cracked earlier. The barriers would have gone back up and both of us would have ended up treading on eggshells around each other.
Daniel was as insecure as I was. It’s why he’d continually rejected my advances. He didn’t want to be hurt either. He’s had so much heartbreak in life that he wasn’t sure he could have handled my treating him as a fling. And who’s to say I wouldn’t have treated him as such? Maybe I would have treated any physical coming together as a meaningless encounter: something to do because I’d been bored. I’d done that before, both as myself as unwilling host to Qetesh. I’d learned that behaviour from her.
There’s a saying I’ve heard on this planet. It’s usually said when someone makes a mistake. “I’m only human.” It’s a nice saying, it’s a good saying. Because free from Qetesh, that’s what I am. I am human, and I do make mistakes and Daniel knows that. I’m no longer host to Qestesh. I no longer need to play by her rules. Oh, I’ll never be an angel. I’ve too much of my father - that thieving scoundrel - in me for that. But maybe it’s time to make up my own rules. The first of which will be this:
“If you find yourself a Daniel Jackson, hang onto him, treat him well, and be honest with him, you will never, ever regret it.”
FINIS
AUTHOR: Matt
SUMMARY: What did Qetesh teach Vala about the opposite sex? What did Vala have to learn for herself? Daniel/Vala
RATING: PG-13
CHALLENGE: fanfic100 - Insides
NOTE: Recognisable dialogue is from the SG-1 episode Unending, written by Robert C. Cooper.
THANKS: Thanks to all those who directed me to transcripts of Unending. Thanks also to alliesings for the beta.
As much as I hate to admit it, Qetesh did teach me a lot about men. That isn’t to say I was a naïve girl before she took possession of me. It’s hard to be that when you have Jasec for a father and Adria for a step-mother. The lives they led did not permit any daughter of theirs to be ignorant of how the universe works. But Qestesh showed me the finer points of being a powerful woman.
A woman should be forceful in all that she does. I certainly knew how to be that. A show of force isn’t always something physical. Sometimes, you have to know how something works and know how to work your way around it. Which is what I did when I came upon the Prometheus that one day. I wanted it, and therefore I was going to get it. I manipulated the situation and then overpowered the one being on board who thought he could outwit me. He was both brave and stupid. Then again, once I discovered he was Daniel Jackson of SG-1, his actions didn’t really surprise me. He’s one of the few academics in this universe who can actually fight when he needs to.
A woman should always keep a man off-guard. Daniel’s face was a picture when I commented on how attractive he was. After all, from his perspective, he was being propositioned by one of Anubis’s ‘super-soldiers.’ I found it quite amusing really, given that the real soldiers are all just drones with zero emotions. I threw him off again when I removed the annoying helmet and shook out my hair. Daniel had not been expecting to see a woman beneath all that black armour.
The fight was fun. It was also exhilarating, even if I did lose. From there, it was a matter of keeping the boy on his toes by alternatively flirting and threatening him. I’m sure I hindered his progress in retaking his precious ship. I do wish I’d seen when he had to negotiate with Tenat, wearing that armour. It would have been priceless. Ultimately, I lost the Prometheus, but I do feel I won the battle since I was able to escape.
The humans of Earth have quite the reputation. Therefore, it was fairly easy to track them down. I persuaded the team I found that I needed to speak with the esteemed Doctor Jackson and that was seemingly enough to grant me passage through the Earth’s Stargate. And there was Daniel, just as I remembered. However, I’m not sure how anyone fell for my line about me being pregnant and him being the father. Still, it was a means to an end, and the end certainly justified the means.
I am embarrassed to state I had no idea just how much those bracelets would work and definitely not what sort of an effect they would have. I honestly thought that once they came off - which would be at my demand - that would be it. I certainly didn’t know of the lasting effects. But, even though they were an inconvenience at times, we certainly had our fun despite being stuck on base or only allowed out with an escort. Then again, the sight of Daniel and Cameron in leather while we were on our bracelet fact-finding mission was enough to provide fuel for any woman’s fantasies.
Qetesh’s third rule was always to leave them wanting more. I saw only one way to stop that super-Stargate thing from operating, but no one would listen. Yes, it was risky but it had to be done. Many thought I’d begun mellowing, that I had become a believer in the SGC’s goals. But, ultimately, I just didn’t want those Ori taking over my galaxy. Their ways were not for me, and a girl’s fun would be extremely curtailed if they enforced our laws on us. How can anyone make a profit if they have to spend so many hours of the day in prostration? So I borrowed a craft and stopped the Gate from activating. I’d had every intention of returning with it. Some day. And if I didn’t get around to it, I was certain the SGC would track me down to retrieve it and I would see my dear Daniel again.
Qetesh could not teach me on love, however; she had no use for it. That lesson I had to learn on my own. Don’t get me wrong, it certainly wasn’t love at first sight. I was, however, telling him the truth when we first met on Prometheus. Daniel Jackson is an extremely attractive man, and it was certainly fun to roam around the galaxy with him at first, although our first brush with the Ori changed all that. But I soon came to realise that Daniel was not all brains and brawn. He cared passionately.
I think it was the return of my memories after my abduction that forced me to re-evaluate my feelings. It’s strange. I had often wished for amnesia so I could block out my time as a host. I didn’t like the constant uncertainty of wondering what nightmares would come each time I went to sleep. Having my memories forcibly blocked, however, made me reconsider. After all, along with the stuff of nightmares, the good memories of my life on Earth were also stolen. Daniel did eventually find me, thankfully, and something inside me recognised him. Instinct drove me into his arms, and I knew I was safe.
Feeling safe wasn’t a concept with which I was wholly familiar. Trusting someone wasn’t a common occurrence either. I felt both of these with Daniel. I had trusted him this far, and he’d accepted me for who I was. The resulting feelings towards him were almost overwhelming and brought with them a new set of problems. If I let him in deeper, if I showed him a Vala who used frivolity and flirtation as a cover, what would he think? Could I let my guard down in front of him, or would he take my fragile feelings and smash them to pieces? Would he see this hidden side of me and think of it as another play in Vala’s never-ending quest to seduce him? Would he trust me again or would I lose something I’d never considered so precious before? If I told him the truth as I believed it to be - that he had become the most important person in my world - would he laugh and tell me I was a fool? Would he tell me that we could never be more than friends - if he even considered us friends - and that I’d be the last person in this galaxy or the next that he’d form a romantic relationship with? Would he ultimately bring up every time I’d propositioned him and wonder how I hadn’t got the hint when he’d rejected me each time?
I’d always hated what Qestesh did while she had control of me. Now, for the first time ever, I regretted my own past actions. However, since I couldn’t see a way out without being left in a fragmented mess, I had no choice but to continue with the façade.
The truth finally tumbled out during a bad argument on base. It had been a bad day; we’d lost several good men off-world and we’d been unable to immediately retrieve the bodies. I’d known one of them. Sergeant Marks had taught me to drive, having been a qualified instructor before he decided to join the military. We’d had losses before, but this one hit me harder than the others for some unfathomable reason.
I went to Daniel’s lab first, but he wasn’t there. I eventually found him in his quarters and barged in brazenly. Daniel would probably reject my advances, but I figured we’d most likely end up talking, and that would be enough for me. Perhaps I’d be able to gather up enough nerve to express how I felt over Marks. I closed Daniels’ door, captured his eyes, and dropped my robe.
It wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before. During one of my first nights on Earth, I’d managed to persuade a guard to let me into Daniel’s quarters. When the man himself arrived, I was lying in his bed wearing a rather fetching red ensemble. So, as usual, I waited for Daniel’s sarcastic rejection of my offer and the accompanying - yet very conflicting - apologetic smile that would spread across his face. It had become somewhat of a game. I’d proposition, he’d reject, I’d get changed again, we’d grab a pizza from the Commissary and talk throughout the night.
But the sarcasm and the smile didn’t come. Instead, he exploded. “You have to be kidding me!”
“Why?”
The oncoming words were like shrapnel, wounding me more than I had ever thought possible, It had been one thing to imagine harsh rejections in my head. It was another to hear them in reality.
“Why? Oh come on. Do you believe I could have any kind of serious feelings for you?”
There went any hope of a relationship with him, although I couldn’t understand why he’d reacted in this way. All I could do was salvage the friendship I thought we had. “I wasn’t suggesting… you have… serious… feelings, Daniel.” I thought my words were steady, but I had to turn away so he couldn’t see my face.
“Oh? So what? We sleep together once? Then what?” He walked away and I sunk onto his bed, my legs unable to hold me any longer. “I mean I can’t even imagine what a relationship with you would be like. I mean, yes, you’ve proven yourself to be trustworthy on a professional level and for that I am very proud of you, but on a personal level…”
Tears began to fall down my cheeks. I was losing the first friendship I’d ever treasured. I wanted to get out of his room, but I couldn’t move, and Daniel wasn’t even close to being finished. I resolved to keep my head turned away from him so he couldn’t see how bad I was.
“Vala, come on, give me a break. I mean, at best you’re a… you’re an emotional, unstable wreck… but hey, I’m not saying I’m much better. There was a time when I thought I would… I would never get over my wife. I mean, the idea of… being hurt that way again. But I finally got to the place… for the first time in a long time… where I actually feel I could get close to somebody again. But… not in a million years… a million, million years… would I ever consider that person being you! I mean, we are so completely opposite and… wrong for each other it’s not even funny. And the worst part… the worst part about it is… you know that.”
Okay, I did know that. We were complete opposites, but where in the universe was it written that two opposite people couldn’t have a close relationship? He was killing me. Couldn’t he tell? I was falling apart. Was he even looking at me?
“And this whole flirty sexual thing that you do… that’s just your way of having a laugh at my expense. So I’m sorry if I’m not more appreciative of that, but don’t you pretend that it’s anything else!”
I had done it to myself. The facade I’d created due to Qetesh had just ruined the best thing I could have had. I took a deep breath and tried to dry my cheeks with my hand.
“Don’t act like you’re hurt.”
That did it. I had to get out of here. Perhaps General Landry would allow me to go work on their Alpha Site or maybe Atlantis. I couldn’t stay here. I fished around for my robe, grasped it and began pulling it on. I could hear him crossing the room and then I felt him sit down beside me.
“Hey.” His voice was gentle, as was the touch I felt on my back, but I couldn’t take it and shied away.
“Just give me a minute,” I pleaded.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t he leave me alone? I’d be gone in a moment and he’d never have to see me again. But Daniel persisted, pulling my hair back from my face. He wanted to see how hurt I actually was, the bastard. Well, let him look. The last look he had of me would be emblazoned on his memory and he’d always remember how he’d humiliated me whenever he thought of me.
But when I did turn to face him, there was no look of smug victory on his face. Instead, he looked stunned as though he’d never really thought I could break. “Vala,” he breathed. He brushed his finger across my cheek and I wanted to turn away, unable to bear this sudden onset of sympathy. “Oh, crap, Vala… I…” He pulled me gently towards him and before I knew quite what had happened he kissed me.
Naturally, without any thought whatsoever, I responded, resting my hand against his neck. The kiss was soft and gentle, so devoid of the anger I’d witnessed just moments ago.
We pulled back and Daniel smiled. “You better not be messing with me.”
He leaned in again, but this time I did pull back. “What about you?” I asked hesitantly. “Are you messing with me?”
He dropped his hand from my face, removed my hand from his neck and held both my hands tightly. “No,” he said quietly. “And I should never have said what I did. I’m sorry”
I shook my head. “No, don’t… don’t apologise. It’s me. I’ve acted like this for so long it’s probably hard to work out who I really am.” I smiled guiltily. “I have a hard time myself.”
“It’s easier to build up the walls than to break them down, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
We didn’t go to the Commissary for pizza. Nor did we end up in bed together, which Daniel has admitted he found surprising. Instead, we half sat, half lay on the bed. Daniel had his back to the headboard and I curled up in his arms. And we talked. It was the best thing for us really. Oh, I would have slept with Daniel in a heartbeat, but that would have been the easy thing to do. I could have celebrated winning him over and making him succumb to doing my bidding. But I’m glad I didn’t. Sleeping with Daniel and acting like that would have sealed up the façade that had cracked earlier. The barriers would have gone back up and both of us would have ended up treading on eggshells around each other.
Daniel was as insecure as I was. It’s why he’d continually rejected my advances. He didn’t want to be hurt either. He’s had so much heartbreak in life that he wasn’t sure he could have handled my treating him as a fling. And who’s to say I wouldn’t have treated him as such? Maybe I would have treated any physical coming together as a meaningless encounter: something to do because I’d been bored. I’d done that before, both as myself as unwilling host to Qetesh. I’d learned that behaviour from her.
There’s a saying I’ve heard on this planet. It’s usually said when someone makes a mistake. “I’m only human.” It’s a nice saying, it’s a good saying. Because free from Qetesh, that’s what I am. I am human, and I do make mistakes and Daniel knows that. I’m no longer host to Qestesh. I no longer need to play by her rules. Oh, I’ll never be an angel. I’ve too much of my father - that thieving scoundrel - in me for that. But maybe it’s time to make up my own rules. The first of which will be this:
“If you find yourself a Daniel Jackson, hang onto him, treat him well, and be honest with him, you will never, ever regret it.”
FINIS