Rant Gone Bad Re-evaluated
A few days....
have passed since I wrote the entry that only two people read before I took it down to think about what I incoherently scribbled down. I wish I had an excuse, something to use when I do something I know I will regret about 10 minutes after I do it.
I only wish I had an answer to all the questions I ask myself.
My rant revisited;
I had just finished watching The Office and Scrubs season finales and realized what I wanted more clearly than ever. But, I also realized more clearly than ever that that goal was unattainable at the time. Who knows if it ever will be? I don't and that leads me to want the answer even more.
What if everyone could have the answers they were looking for about life, would the world be a better place? What if we were given the choice to know one thing about our lives' future, would you want to know?
I would. If I could have the answer to one question, to a question I often fall asleep wondering about, I would be a much happier person, even if the answer to that question was the one answer I never wanted to hear. I would still be a happier person because I could move forward.
That is all we want to do. Each person, in life, strives for constant motion. The day one wakes up to find that their life is at a stand still will be the day that they realize, ten years have got behind them, no one told them when to run, they had missed the starting gun. (Waters)
Sometimes I look at my life and wonder, did I miss it?
In short I think, yes. In certain aspects of my life I missed the gun. It is not that I failed to start, it is that I failed to realize the obvious. Sometimes the answer that I spent time looking for was right in front of me.
It is about as bad a feeling as knowing you could have had what you thought was unattainable just with a simple nice gesture. And, after you realize the unattainable was in your grasp and you let it slip away you try to forget it was ever there.
We all say, "live without regret", but I really think that one shouldn't try and live without regret. I think regret is ourself trying to teach us a lesson. Trying to explain to us that life is not going to end how we want it to every time. Living with regret is preparing us for the inevitability that one day we will fail at something and the regret we once felt will have better prepare us to deal with our mistake.
I got off on a tangent. I feel that in what I have written tonight, I have answered some of my own questions. Again, they might not have been the answer I was looking for, but still they helped me to move forward, helped me to move toward an answer to the one question I must answer for myself, who am I?
Am I just another 19 year old working a dead end job with no prospects on the horizon, or am I an artist waiting for the right medium to display my answers to all the questions to help everyone else around me. For, if I know what I am supposed to be doing everyone else around me will have help in looking for their answers also.
I read back over the original post, it read as if it were written by a 5th grader. I am almost ashamed that that is what came out of my head that night, but I am glad I revisited it with this because it has helped me answer some questions I originally had. Who knew that asking more questions could help you answer old ones?
I said in my original post;
"That is all I want, to be content with what I have in life. Some people want to be content with finding that someone they can spend their lives with. Others want that one friend they can turn to for anything. I have neither. It is quite possibly one of the worst feelings in the world."
Between Thursday night when I wrote that and now, I realized that what I have had in life this past year is exactly what I needed. I just couldn't see past what I wanted, to see what I needed. If my life were to stay the exact same course it is on right now for another year I would be content. I would be happy.
...That was the only thing I said in my original rant that was salvageable. (This is no longer a rant, but more an intellectual discourse on life, written by someone who, up until last night had no grasp on his own life) That is how incoherent it originally was. It's weird, not having the answer to a question I want answered has helped me get the answer the questions I need answered.
That is all for now.
If you read this please leave a comment. Anything, just an "I read it" is fine. Let me know what you thought. Are you content? Did you think something like this could actually come from me? Are you happy with what you have? Anything?