"Ernestine, tu entends des voix, reste digne."
Hi everyone~~
Long time no see, again. There's no word to say how sorry I am. But as you may probably know [I keep rambling about it, so yeah] I'm moving on Wednesday! O: So, I'm doing my cardboards, and that's a hard job. I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I feel like I've done more in the past few days than in all this year.
When you've been storing up memories and objects for fifteen years, when all you can remember is this place, seeing your life fit in a few cardboards is heartbreaking. You wonder what the value of life is. You are piling the pieces of your life, sometimes throwing some away. It looks so fragile, once you see it on the floor, not protected anymore by the imposing appearance of the cupboards. You've the feeling you're cutting up some shell. The shell of your life maybe. This is a strange feeling. All the rooms are filled up with cardboards, the furniture is still here, but it's empty. What else is empty? Nothing will be the same. Your life will now have a different order, a different way to work.
To be honest, I'm afraid to be depressed once in my new flat. Yes, I'm excited, but I have this fear, the fear of the unknown. We are really talking about the unknown. I think, when you are living somewhere, what really holds you back is the thought of your peaceful house. Everything can be destroyed, you will still have a familiar place where you can think about the future. If your place is changing, aren't you running towards the unknown?
At least, I'm not moving very far away from my... ~former~ home, so the area will be the same.
Now I think about it, not only my house is changing. Many of my IRL friends are leaving. I won't say leaving me, it'd be selfish, but somehow I feel abandoned. My BF left for the USA in January as you all know, well, I guess I've grown accustomed to it, though another of my close friends is leaving for Lebanon. And beside that... Do you remember one of my old entries about being hurt by someone who has changed? I tried my best. I do think I tried my best, I'm now fed up to try to save the remaining pieces of our friendship. I won't write another text about this subject, but well, my head is swimming with questionings: what did I do? What didn't I do? What should I have done? I didn't see her change. I remember her complaints about being alone, I didn't think it'd go that far, she even got a bad reputation in our school. She, too, left. And I think she's relieved. She used to be adorable and nice, now I only see a cold person, unconcerned and self-centered. I tried, I tried to tell her that it was okay to tell me if something was wrong, because after all we were friends. But she started building that wall between us. She seemed to think I was too good for her. I'm not too good for anyone. Well, we've been friends for so long, since primary school! I would have been okay if it had been reciprocal. I mean, if on a mutual agreement we would have said: "We have nothing to do together, we spent a good time, but in the end we're too different." I have the feeling nothing has been said. I have a bitter taste in my mouth. We are apart, and I can't do anything about it. Being powerless is really frustrating.
I'd like to say some clichés stuff to feel better, like "It's life!", but it won't change anything :|
I guess a period of my life is over now, and I have to deal with it. I won't stop there because of changes that happened, life is made of changes. I'll just go on as far as I can.
Sorry for that boring text \o/ [I know everyone is like: "Cyo is back with her boring entries ffff" XD I'm sorry .__.]
I don't have much to say about the fandom :/ I'm back in a MUCC mood, and I'm very happy about it ♥ It made me meet a nice guy, I hope we'll keep in touch ;A; And... Seriously, I have nothing to say. My mind isn't on fandom mode. I guess once I'm settled it'll be okay :D
Ps: I don't like the new LJ look D: It was way better when the comments were in the middle of the page ;O; Plus, I have some random russian texts on my home page and I don't know why °__o"
Btw, this may be my last entry before a long time. We'll probably unplug the computer tomorrow, and I don't know when the Internet is back. My father told me two weeks, but my mother tried some stuff with our operator so it may only be a matter of days.
Wait and see!
I'll miss you much guys ;__; Have a nice time :D I want to promise I'll write more, but as I'll be away for the vacation, I don't want to make hasty promises.
Bye bye ♥
Long time no see, again. There's no word to say how sorry I am. But as you may probably know [I keep rambling about it, so yeah] I'm moving on Wednesday! O: So, I'm doing my cardboards, and that's a hard job. I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I feel like I've done more in the past few days than in all this year.
When you've been storing up memories and objects for fifteen years, when all you can remember is this place, seeing your life fit in a few cardboards is heartbreaking. You wonder what the value of life is. You are piling the pieces of your life, sometimes throwing some away. It looks so fragile, once you see it on the floor, not protected anymore by the imposing appearance of the cupboards. You've the feeling you're cutting up some shell. The shell of your life maybe. This is a strange feeling. All the rooms are filled up with cardboards, the furniture is still here, but it's empty. What else is empty? Nothing will be the same. Your life will now have a different order, a different way to work.
To be honest, I'm afraid to be depressed once in my new flat. Yes, I'm excited, but I have this fear, the fear of the unknown. We are really talking about the unknown. I think, when you are living somewhere, what really holds you back is the thought of your peaceful house. Everything can be destroyed, you will still have a familiar place where you can think about the future. If your place is changing, aren't you running towards the unknown?
At least, I'm not moving very far away from my... ~former~ home, so the area will be the same.
Now I think about it, not only my house is changing. Many of my IRL friends are leaving. I won't say leaving me, it'd be selfish, but somehow I feel abandoned. My BF left for the USA in January as you all know, well, I guess I've grown accustomed to it, though another of my close friends is leaving for Lebanon. And beside that... Do you remember one of my old entries about being hurt by someone who has changed? I tried my best. I do think I tried my best, I'm now fed up to try to save the remaining pieces of our friendship. I won't write another text about this subject, but well, my head is swimming with questionings: what did I do? What didn't I do? What should I have done? I didn't see her change. I remember her complaints about being alone, I didn't think it'd go that far, she even got a bad reputation in our school. She, too, left. And I think she's relieved. She used to be adorable and nice, now I only see a cold person, unconcerned and self-centered. I tried, I tried to tell her that it was okay to tell me if something was wrong, because after all we were friends. But she started building that wall between us. She seemed to think I was too good for her. I'm not too good for anyone. Well, we've been friends for so long, since primary school! I would have been okay if it had been reciprocal. I mean, if on a mutual agreement we would have said: "We have nothing to do together, we spent a good time, but in the end we're too different." I have the feeling nothing has been said. I have a bitter taste in my mouth. We are apart, and I can't do anything about it. Being powerless is really frustrating.
I'd like to say some clichés stuff to feel better, like "It's life!", but it won't change anything :|
I guess a period of my life is over now, and I have to deal with it. I won't stop there because of changes that happened, life is made of changes. I'll just go on as far as I can.
Sorry for that boring text \o/ [I know everyone is like: "Cyo is back with her boring entries ffff" XD I'm sorry .__.]
I don't have much to say about the fandom :/ I'm back in a MUCC mood, and I'm very happy about it ♥ It made me meet a nice guy, I hope we'll keep in touch ;A; And... Seriously, I have nothing to say. My mind isn't on fandom mode. I guess once I'm settled it'll be okay :D
Ps: I don't like the new LJ look D: It was way better when the comments were in the middle of the page ;O; Plus, I have some random russian texts on my home page and I don't know why °__o"
Btw, this may be my last entry before a long time. We'll probably unplug the computer tomorrow, and I don't know when the Internet is back. My father told me two weeks, but my mother tried some stuff with our operator so it may only be a matter of days.
Wait and see!
I'll miss you much guys ;__; Have a nice time :D I want to promise I'll write more, but as I'll be away for the vacation, I don't want to make hasty promises.
Bye bye ♥