A broken promise (Yama)
Title: A broken promise
Author: MatsuAurore
Beta: My lovely Sakudada <3
Pairing: Yama
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Au, romance, drama, angst
Disclaimer: Sho owns Ohchan and I own... Just the plot T.T
Summary: You were alone, you were so sad. Everybody thought nothing could touch you but they were wrong. You were the only one who was able to read people's heart and understand them when they just said you were a freak. But why don't you let me try to read your mind? Why don't you let me touch you? Can I be the only one that you'll allow to touch your heart?
A/N: Warning! This story is a fiction, Asperger is not really like that, I used some of the troubles of this syndrome for Ohchan's character but it's not a real Asperger (it was easier to explain it in this way because Asperger is a very complicated syndrome and I didn't want to make an exposed). So, if you have any questions about this syndrome, make some researches or send me a message, I'll explain what Asperger is really.
Chapter 4:
Satoshi, do you remember this day when I made the biggest mistake of my life and made you suffer so much? I remember as if it was yesterday. When I saw your eyes, my heart almost stopped and the entire world around me broke. This day, your sadness killed me, destroyed me and I would do anything to erase what I did to you. Do you remember, my love? I cried a lot of hours, trying to make you accept my apologies. I think this day, I hurt myself more by seeing your tears than when I surprised Yusuke with this bastard. You see, I was loving you so much that this stupid mistake hurt me more than Yu's betrayal. Today, I still feel guilty for what I did to you, for making you crying and for breaking your trust toward me my baby.
I was looking at the sky through the window. I could see the Eiffel Tower and everybody would think it was the most romantic place a couple could dream about but not me. The only thing I could think about was Satoshi.
Three days ago...
"What is your answer, Sho?" Yu looked at me with serious eyes.
"I..." I lowered my head. How could I tell him my only thoughts were for Ohno?
"Sho?"
"Why are you doing that to me?"
"Because I want to save our couple. If you still love me, come with me." I looked at my boyfriend for a while and nodded.
"Alright." I sighed, thinking maybe it would be the biggest mistake of my life and I would regret it.
"Are you alright, baby?" Yu hugged me from behind.
"Yes, I was wondering where we could eat."
"I know there is a place in Paris where there are a lot of Japanese restaurants." Yu smiled, kissing my cheek.
We ate okonomiyaki in a Japanese restaurant, Aki. It wasn't as good as in Tokyo but it was enough, I guessed. After that, we walked under the Eiffel tower, hand in hand but there was no magic. Yu had a big smile but my thoughts were for Ohno and just for him. I missed him so much! His smile, his cute pouty lips, his chubby cheeks... I missed him so damn much! When we left Tokyo, I even couldn't send him a message to tell him I let him alone for two weeks. He should be lost, alone on the beach and guilt was invading me.
Satoshi... My baby... I miss you so bad! I want to see your smile, to hear your laugh, to look at the horizon with you.
"SHO!!" I jumped and raised my eyes to see my boyfriend looking at me with furious eyes.
"Sorry."
"You weren't listening to what I was saying!" Yu exclaimed, angry.
"I'm just tired." I lied.
When we came back at our hostel, Yu pushed me on the bed and climbed on me, licking my skin.
"Yu, I'm tired." I protested.
"Please, Sho, I need you, do it for me." I looked at my boyfriend and sighed.
"Okay."
****
Yusuke showed me the Louvres but I wasn't listening to him.
"Sho."
"What, baby?"
"We're here since ten days and I feel as if I was with a ghost. You're always looking away, you don't listen to me. We are in Paris for the God's sake, the town of the lovers and I'm closer to the receptionist of our hostel than you!" Yusuke snapped.
"I'm sorry, Yu." I lowered my eyes, feeling guilty.
"You think about Him, ne?"
"Eh?"
"Ohno. You think about him since we are here."
"Yes." I admitted, it was useless to lie to my boyfriend.
"Why? Why is he always in your thoughts?"
"I think..." I started.
"Hun?"
"I love him." I looked away, ashamed.
"You... You love him?" Yu stammered, tears filling his eyes.
"Yes. I'm sorry, Yu. I didn't want to hurt you."
"Why? Is it because of my betrayal? Is it because I'm not good enough?"
"No, no, it's not that. You're an amazing guy, Yu but when I look at you, I can't forget him. I can't forget this bastard fucking you. I still can smell his scent in our sheets."
"You mean... You mean, you didn't forgive me?" Yu asked, tears rolling on his cheeks.
"I can't, I'm sorry. I can't forget, you destroyed me this day, Yu. And I met Satoshi, he was there when you broke my heart, his presence calms me down."
"But..."
"I think it's better if we stop this lie, Yu. You're not happy with me and I'm not happy with you." I said softly but Yu grabbed my arm.
"Wait, Sho. Don't leave me, please. We can try again, I promise I'll do what you want to make you forget my betrayal."
"It's too late, Yu. I don't love you anymore, I love Satoshi, I'm sorry but it's over." He released my arm and I left, tears rolling on my cheeks. It hurt, it hurt so much but I knew it was the best thing to do. I couldn't lie to Yu and to myself anymore. Still crying, I made my luggages and left the town to the airport. A weight was leaving my heart and now, I knew what I had to do.
"Wait for me, Toshi, I come back, baby." I whispered to myself.
****
When I arrived at Narita, I took a taxi and almost threw my stuff in my apartment before I ran to the beach. Ohno was there, looking at the sea and a smile appeared on my lips. I felt so happy to see him again.
"Satoshi." I kneeled next to him but when I tried to touch his arm, Ohno screamed. "Toshi?" I panicked and Ohno scratched my skin, trying to push me away. "Satoshi, what's happen? It's me, Sho." I almost cried but Ohno continued to scream and bit his arm.
"Satoshi!!" I raised my eyes and sighed when I saw his mother running toward us.
"Ohno-san, I'm glad to see you, I.."
"What are you doing here?" She snapped coldly.
"Eh?"
"I don't want to see you again. Leave!" She hugged her son in her arms.
"Why?" I exclaimed chocked.
"Are you serious when you ask me that?! I don't want to see you next to my son again!" She helped her crying son to stand up and left the beach.
I stayed paralyzed. What happened? Why Satoshi reacted like that? Why his mother shouted after me? What did I do? All these questions were turning in my mind while I was coming back home.
So many people wants
To be loved
To give their heart
Can give up all they have
So many mistakes
We could avoid
If we just could be patient
I was crying on my sofa, a beer in my hand. What did I do? Why did I feel so desperate? I had broken with my boyfriend because I was in love with another person but I've hurt this person. I hurt him while he trusted me and I broke this trust because of my cowardice. Why was I so stupid? Why did I do that to Satoshi? Why?
Give me time
To learn what I have to learn
Give me time
To move on as I want
There isn't coincidence love
Nor which comes too late
I'll learn time to wait
I was drinking my 9e beer and I still felt as sad as the beginning. Satoshi, forgive my stupidity, forgive my cowardice. I just needed time to understand and accept that you were the most precious and important person of my life. Satoshi, please, I'm begging you, forgive me!
So many dreams are spoiled
When you try to live alone
Just to escape the reality
Does our fears are so important
To also require a few of ourselves?
Give me time
To learn what I have to learn
Give me time
To move on as I want
There isn't coincidence love
Nor which comes too late
I'll learn time to wait
Satoshi, you know, I can't live without you. Even if I have to sleep in front of your door's house, I'll try all I can to make you forgive me and trust me again. I'll tell you my feelings, I'll tell you what's happen in my heart and my stupid brain, just, let me a chance, give me time. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes but who has never made mistakes in his life? I know you aren't like the others, not because of your difference but because of your sensitivity, your kindness. I know it took me a long time to realize my feelings for you but could you forgive me? Could you give me your trust again or will you erase this so special bond between us? I don't want to loose you, Satoshi, even if you don't share my feelings, don't reject me, let me stay with you.
You'll have time
To take what you want to take
You'll have time
To make us to move on, together
So many people are looking for each other,
Desire, follow or loose each other
Could we try
To discover, to know ourselves?
I won't give up love
Nor comes too late
If we can learn patience
I'll learn what is to wait
I take, time
To make you waiting for me
I take, the time
For you
The day after, I took a shower and almost ran to Satoshi's house. I rang but when Satoko saw me, she slammed the door without a word. I rang the whole day but she continued to ignore me. I came back the day after, and again the day after and again and again. During two weeks, I stayed in front of my friend's door but his mother didn't let me come in.
"Why don't you give up?" Satoko sighed after two weeks.
"Because I'll do all I can to see Satoshi and to apology." I said.
"Come in." She sighed again and I joined her, happily.
"You destroyed him when you left, you know that?" Satoko looked at me with cold eyes and I blushed.
"I... I can explain.."
"You promised, Sakurai! You promised him you'll never leave him and you broke this promise."
"I know." I lowered my eyes, ashamed, sadness invading my whole body. "What happened when I left?"
"It was horrible, you can't even imagine how Satoshi cried." Satoko whispered painfully and held me out a blue notebook.
Dear diary,
Today, I was very impatient to see Sho-chan because I missed him so much! Sho-chan is the only person with mama who understands me and doesn't judge me. I didn't know someone as perfect as him would think I was interesting. When I'm with him, I can be myself, I can speak or not, I can act as I want, he never judges me. Sho is beautiful. I don't speak about his face, even if he is an attractive man but I think his soul is twice more beautiful. He is kind, patient and smart. His voice is soft and deep at the same time and his eyes are honest. He always tells me what he really thinks, he never lies to me or feels pity for a freak like me. His fingers are soft on my nape, his warmth heals my pain. I hate other's touches but I love Sho's because I feel safe with him. I know he would never make me suffer because he likes me, it's what he said to me this day. I was so happy when I heard these words. For the first time of my life, someone liked me for what I am. Sho knows I don't really like to speak much and he never forces me to do. We can stay in silence during lots of hours, looking at the see, at the landscape without a word. We don't need word. We understand each other just with one look. I can see his heart. I can see his pain. I know someone betrayed him. He doesn't have to tell me because I can feel his sadness as if it was mine. I can feel how much this person hurt him and spoiled his life. I thought Sho would never hurt me like this person, after all, he promised me he'll always stay with me. But he broke his promise and I thought all my world disappeared this day.
Sho wasn't there and it was weird. He was on the beach every day, even if he had a lot of work. But this day, I waited for him during 13 hours and he never came. I thought something happened to him, panic was invading my heart but when I called him, he never answered. The next day, Sho wasn't there too. Where was he? Where was my Sho???? Who took Sho away from me?? I started to panic, tears rolling on my cheeks. I hugged my knees against me and rocked my body backward and forward. I was lost. Where was Sho-chan? My heart was tightening as the time passed and I just wanted to scream and it's what I did like the freak I was. I grabbed my head with both hands and shouted my pain. When I looked around me, I felt as if people wanted to kill me. The wind blew too hard, the sun had disappeared and even the children were looking at me with dangerous eyes.
"Please, don't beat me!!!" I shouted, crying loudly.
But the stares didn't stop. The dangerous eyes were still there and the sea was scratching furiously against the rocks. It seemed like the world around me wanted to kill me. Everybody was angry after me.
"SHOOO, please, where are you??!!!" I cried, grabbing my hair with despair. I was sobbing loudly, tremble shaking my body, pain hitting my head. It was horrible. It was as if papa was there, hitting my face, screaming after me and locking me up in this frightening room. The sky was dark, with black clouds and the winds was shaking the trees.
"SHOOO, please, don't let me alone!!!" I bit my arm, trying to erase those death looks on me, this hatred toward me. Blood was already running on my nape but I didn't care. I wanted all that stopped. I want Sho. Just Sho. Why he wasn't there?
"Shooo, you promised!!!" I screamed, blood rolling on my chin.
"Satoshi!!!" I heard mama but bit my skin again, crying loudly. I didn't want to see her, I wanted Sho and only Sho!
"Satoshi, baby, calm down." She hugged me but I pushed her away, looking at her like a wild kitty. She couldn't understand what I felt, she wasn't in my weird brain, she wasn't a freak!
"Toshi, baby, calm down my love, please. "Mama hugged me again and this time, didn't release me when I scratched her nape, shouting with despair.
"Sho!!! Sho!!! I want Sho!!!" I cried, tears rolling on my face like a waterfall.
"He'll come, baby, he'll come but calm down please." She was rocking me in her arms. I still could hear all these noises around me, they didn't want to stop, they resounded in my head like an alarm. It was horrible, so horrible.
"Mama, I want Sho." I sobbed, tiredness invading my body.
"He'll come, my angel, don't worry." Mama made me release my arm. I had a big deep bit in my skin, blood still escaping the cut.
"What did you do to your arm, baby?" Mama kissed my sweating forehead, wiping my tears with her thumbs and I buried my face in her neck, my body was shaking with my sobs. It was so painful, so horrible.
"Sho." I whispered and closed my eyes, exhausted.
I opened my eyes, jumping. I was in my bedroom and the sky was dark. Do I fell asleep? I wasn't on the beach anymore. Sho. What if Sho came and I wasn't there? Did he think I didn't want to see him? Did he think I hated him? No. He couldn't. No, not Sho. And if he left me forever? He promised me to always be there for me! Sho. Where were you during these two days?
I stood up in silence and left my house. I wanted to be sure Sho wasn't waiting for me. I ran to the beach but it was empty. The waves were scratching softly on the sand, the sky was dark and the wind blew a little.
"Sho?" I called, hopefully. But no one answers. "Sho, where are you?" I called in the dark night, tears rolling on my cheeks. I sat at our usual place and waited. Maybe Sho would come if I waited for him here. But after some hours, Sho didn't come and I fell asleep, exhausted.
When I opened my eyes, my mother was holding my hand, crying.
"Mama?" I whispered weakly.
"Satoshi! How, God, thank you, my heart almost stopped when I found you on the beach. What did you do there?!"
"I was waiting for Sho-chan." I smiled.
"Satoshi, dear, I think Sho won't come back, now." Mama said softly and I froze.
"No, you lie, Sho promised me he'll always be there for me. I trust him, he'll come back!" I snapped angrily.
"Honey, it's been five days, now, I think you must move on and forget him." She stroked my cheek but I pushed her violently.
"NO! You lie! Sho promised me. He is the only person who has never seen me like a freak. He is my only friend and I trust him, he'll come back! Don't say these stupid things!" I shouted, tears rolling on my cheeks.
"Satoshi..."
"Leave me alone! I hate you!!! Sho would never abandon me!!! You're jealous because I'm always with him, I hate you, you're not my mother anymore!!!" I yelled, grabbing my head painfully and running in my bedroom.
"She's lying, she's lying, Sho would never leave me!" I cried, rocking my body with despair and biting my arm.
"Satoshi."
"Get out!!!" I screamed, crying loudly.
I hated myself for what I said to her but I couldn't keep my words. I was suffering so much!!! My head wanted to explode! I cried, biting my skin, scratching my body and hitting my fist against the wall. It hurt so much! Sho, where are you?! Come back, please!
During ten days, I stayed on the beach, waiting for Sho. I didn't speak to my mother and refused to eat. If mama tried to touch me or make me eat, I screamed and made the worst crisis I've ever made in my life. My arms were covered by a lot of deep bits, my chest and my legs with a lot of scratches but it didn't hurt, Sho's absence hurt so much more than physical bruises.
"Sho, where are you?" I asked to the horizon, tears rolling on my cheeks.
I raised my eyes to look at Satoko.
"This is what he went through when you left Tokyo." She said coldly.
"I... I made a big mistake but I'm here now, I want to explain to him why I let him alone." I said in a serious tone.
"Alright, but I don't think Satoshi will let you approach him again." She sighed and I stood up.
I knocked and opened the door of Sato's bedroom. He was there, in a corner, curled in a small ball and I kneeled silently in front of him, putting my hand on his shoulder.
"Satoshi, it's me, Sho." I whispered.
To be continued...
Author: MatsuAurore
Beta: My lovely Sakudada <3
Pairing: Yama
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Au, romance, drama, angst
Disclaimer: Sho owns Ohchan and I own... Just the plot T.T
Summary: You were alone, you were so sad. Everybody thought nothing could touch you but they were wrong. You were the only one who was able to read people's heart and understand them when they just said you were a freak. But why don't you let me try to read your mind? Why don't you let me touch you? Can I be the only one that you'll allow to touch your heart?
A/N: Warning! This story is a fiction, Asperger is not really like that, I used some of the troubles of this syndrome for Ohchan's character but it's not a real Asperger (it was easier to explain it in this way because Asperger is a very complicated syndrome and I didn't want to make an exposed). So, if you have any questions about this syndrome, make some researches or send me a message, I'll explain what Asperger is really.
Chapter 4:
Satoshi, do you remember this day when I made the biggest mistake of my life and made you suffer so much? I remember as if it was yesterday. When I saw your eyes, my heart almost stopped and the entire world around me broke. This day, your sadness killed me, destroyed me and I would do anything to erase what I did to you. Do you remember, my love? I cried a lot of hours, trying to make you accept my apologies. I think this day, I hurt myself more by seeing your tears than when I surprised Yusuke with this bastard. You see, I was loving you so much that this stupid mistake hurt me more than Yu's betrayal. Today, I still feel guilty for what I did to you, for making you crying and for breaking your trust toward me my baby.
I was looking at the sky through the window. I could see the Eiffel Tower and everybody would think it was the most romantic place a couple could dream about but not me. The only thing I could think about was Satoshi.
Three days ago...
"What is your answer, Sho?" Yu looked at me with serious eyes.
"I..." I lowered my head. How could I tell him my only thoughts were for Ohno?
"Sho?"
"Why are you doing that to me?"
"Because I want to save our couple. If you still love me, come with me." I looked at my boyfriend for a while and nodded.
"Alright." I sighed, thinking maybe it would be the biggest mistake of my life and I would regret it.
"Are you alright, baby?" Yu hugged me from behind.
"Yes, I was wondering where we could eat."
"I know there is a place in Paris where there are a lot of Japanese restaurants." Yu smiled, kissing my cheek.
We ate okonomiyaki in a Japanese restaurant, Aki. It wasn't as good as in Tokyo but it was enough, I guessed. After that, we walked under the Eiffel tower, hand in hand but there was no magic. Yu had a big smile but my thoughts were for Ohno and just for him. I missed him so much! His smile, his cute pouty lips, his chubby cheeks... I missed him so damn much! When we left Tokyo, I even couldn't send him a message to tell him I let him alone for two weeks. He should be lost, alone on the beach and guilt was invading me.
Satoshi... My baby... I miss you so bad! I want to see your smile, to hear your laugh, to look at the horizon with you.
"SHO!!" I jumped and raised my eyes to see my boyfriend looking at me with furious eyes.
"Sorry."
"You weren't listening to what I was saying!" Yu exclaimed, angry.
"I'm just tired." I lied.
When we came back at our hostel, Yu pushed me on the bed and climbed on me, licking my skin.
"Yu, I'm tired." I protested.
"Please, Sho, I need you, do it for me." I looked at my boyfriend and sighed.
"Okay."
****
Yusuke showed me the Louvres but I wasn't listening to him.
"Sho."
"What, baby?"
"We're here since ten days and I feel as if I was with a ghost. You're always looking away, you don't listen to me. We are in Paris for the God's sake, the town of the lovers and I'm closer to the receptionist of our hostel than you!" Yusuke snapped.
"I'm sorry, Yu." I lowered my eyes, feeling guilty.
"You think about Him, ne?"
"Eh?"
"Ohno. You think about him since we are here."
"Yes." I admitted, it was useless to lie to my boyfriend.
"Why? Why is he always in your thoughts?"
"I think..." I started.
"Hun?"
"I love him." I looked away, ashamed.
"You... You love him?" Yu stammered, tears filling his eyes.
"Yes. I'm sorry, Yu. I didn't want to hurt you."
"Why? Is it because of my betrayal? Is it because I'm not good enough?"
"No, no, it's not that. You're an amazing guy, Yu but when I look at you, I can't forget him. I can't forget this bastard fucking you. I still can smell his scent in our sheets."
"You mean... You mean, you didn't forgive me?" Yu asked, tears rolling on his cheeks.
"I can't, I'm sorry. I can't forget, you destroyed me this day, Yu. And I met Satoshi, he was there when you broke my heart, his presence calms me down."
"But..."
"I think it's better if we stop this lie, Yu. You're not happy with me and I'm not happy with you." I said softly but Yu grabbed my arm.
"Wait, Sho. Don't leave me, please. We can try again, I promise I'll do what you want to make you forget my betrayal."
"It's too late, Yu. I don't love you anymore, I love Satoshi, I'm sorry but it's over." He released my arm and I left, tears rolling on my cheeks. It hurt, it hurt so much but I knew it was the best thing to do. I couldn't lie to Yu and to myself anymore. Still crying, I made my luggages and left the town to the airport. A weight was leaving my heart and now, I knew what I had to do.
"Wait for me, Toshi, I come back, baby." I whispered to myself.
****
When I arrived at Narita, I took a taxi and almost threw my stuff in my apartment before I ran to the beach. Ohno was there, looking at the sea and a smile appeared on my lips. I felt so happy to see him again.
"Satoshi." I kneeled next to him but when I tried to touch his arm, Ohno screamed. "Toshi?" I panicked and Ohno scratched my skin, trying to push me away. "Satoshi, what's happen? It's me, Sho." I almost cried but Ohno continued to scream and bit his arm.
"Satoshi!!" I raised my eyes and sighed when I saw his mother running toward us.
"Ohno-san, I'm glad to see you, I.."
"What are you doing here?" She snapped coldly.
"Eh?"
"I don't want to see you again. Leave!" She hugged her son in her arms.
"Why?" I exclaimed chocked.
"Are you serious when you ask me that?! I don't want to see you next to my son again!" She helped her crying son to stand up and left the beach.
I stayed paralyzed. What happened? Why Satoshi reacted like that? Why his mother shouted after me? What did I do? All these questions were turning in my mind while I was coming back home.
So many people wants
To be loved
To give their heart
Can give up all they have
So many mistakes
We could avoid
If we just could be patient
I was crying on my sofa, a beer in my hand. What did I do? Why did I feel so desperate? I had broken with my boyfriend because I was in love with another person but I've hurt this person. I hurt him while he trusted me and I broke this trust because of my cowardice. Why was I so stupid? Why did I do that to Satoshi? Why?
Give me time
To learn what I have to learn
Give me time
To move on as I want
There isn't coincidence love
Nor which comes too late
I'll learn time to wait
I was drinking my 9e beer and I still felt as sad as the beginning. Satoshi, forgive my stupidity, forgive my cowardice. I just needed time to understand and accept that you were the most precious and important person of my life. Satoshi, please, I'm begging you, forgive me!
So many dreams are spoiled
When you try to live alone
Just to escape the reality
Does our fears are so important
To also require a few of ourselves?
Give me time
To learn what I have to learn
Give me time
To move on as I want
There isn't coincidence love
Nor which comes too late
I'll learn time to wait
Satoshi, you know, I can't live without you. Even if I have to sleep in front of your door's house, I'll try all I can to make you forgive me and trust me again. I'll tell you my feelings, I'll tell you what's happen in my heart and my stupid brain, just, let me a chance, give me time. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes but who has never made mistakes in his life? I know you aren't like the others, not because of your difference but because of your sensitivity, your kindness. I know it took me a long time to realize my feelings for you but could you forgive me? Could you give me your trust again or will you erase this so special bond between us? I don't want to loose you, Satoshi, even if you don't share my feelings, don't reject me, let me stay with you.
You'll have time
To take what you want to take
You'll have time
To make us to move on, together
So many people are looking for each other,
Desire, follow or loose each other
Could we try
To discover, to know ourselves?
I won't give up love
Nor comes too late
If we can learn patience
I'll learn what is to wait
I take, time
To make you waiting for me
I take, the time
For you
The day after, I took a shower and almost ran to Satoshi's house. I rang but when Satoko saw me, she slammed the door without a word. I rang the whole day but she continued to ignore me. I came back the day after, and again the day after and again and again. During two weeks, I stayed in front of my friend's door but his mother didn't let me come in.
"Why don't you give up?" Satoko sighed after two weeks.
"Because I'll do all I can to see Satoshi and to apology." I said.
"Come in." She sighed again and I joined her, happily.
"You destroyed him when you left, you know that?" Satoko looked at me with cold eyes and I blushed.
"I... I can explain.."
"You promised, Sakurai! You promised him you'll never leave him and you broke this promise."
"I know." I lowered my eyes, ashamed, sadness invading my whole body. "What happened when I left?"
"It was horrible, you can't even imagine how Satoshi cried." Satoko whispered painfully and held me out a blue notebook.
Dear diary,
Today, I was very impatient to see Sho-chan because I missed him so much! Sho-chan is the only person with mama who understands me and doesn't judge me. I didn't know someone as perfect as him would think I was interesting. When I'm with him, I can be myself, I can speak or not, I can act as I want, he never judges me. Sho is beautiful. I don't speak about his face, even if he is an attractive man but I think his soul is twice more beautiful. He is kind, patient and smart. His voice is soft and deep at the same time and his eyes are honest. He always tells me what he really thinks, he never lies to me or feels pity for a freak like me. His fingers are soft on my nape, his warmth heals my pain. I hate other's touches but I love Sho's because I feel safe with him. I know he would never make me suffer because he likes me, it's what he said to me this day. I was so happy when I heard these words. For the first time of my life, someone liked me for what I am. Sho knows I don't really like to speak much and he never forces me to do. We can stay in silence during lots of hours, looking at the see, at the landscape without a word. We don't need word. We understand each other just with one look. I can see his heart. I can see his pain. I know someone betrayed him. He doesn't have to tell me because I can feel his sadness as if it was mine. I can feel how much this person hurt him and spoiled his life. I thought Sho would never hurt me like this person, after all, he promised me he'll always stay with me. But he broke his promise and I thought all my world disappeared this day.
Sho wasn't there and it was weird. He was on the beach every day, even if he had a lot of work. But this day, I waited for him during 13 hours and he never came. I thought something happened to him, panic was invading my heart but when I called him, he never answered. The next day, Sho wasn't there too. Where was he? Where was my Sho???? Who took Sho away from me?? I started to panic, tears rolling on my cheeks. I hugged my knees against me and rocked my body backward and forward. I was lost. Where was Sho-chan? My heart was tightening as the time passed and I just wanted to scream and it's what I did like the freak I was. I grabbed my head with both hands and shouted my pain. When I looked around me, I felt as if people wanted to kill me. The wind blew too hard, the sun had disappeared and even the children were looking at me with dangerous eyes.
"Please, don't beat me!!!" I shouted, crying loudly.
But the stares didn't stop. The dangerous eyes were still there and the sea was scratching furiously against the rocks. It seemed like the world around me wanted to kill me. Everybody was angry after me.
"SHOOO, please, where are you??!!!" I cried, grabbing my hair with despair. I was sobbing loudly, tremble shaking my body, pain hitting my head. It was horrible. It was as if papa was there, hitting my face, screaming after me and locking me up in this frightening room. The sky was dark, with black clouds and the winds was shaking the trees.
"SHOOO, please, don't let me alone!!!" I bit my arm, trying to erase those death looks on me, this hatred toward me. Blood was already running on my nape but I didn't care. I wanted all that stopped. I want Sho. Just Sho. Why he wasn't there?
"Shooo, you promised!!!" I screamed, blood rolling on my chin.
"Satoshi!!!" I heard mama but bit my skin again, crying loudly. I didn't want to see her, I wanted Sho and only Sho!
"Satoshi, baby, calm down." She hugged me but I pushed her away, looking at her like a wild kitty. She couldn't understand what I felt, she wasn't in my weird brain, she wasn't a freak!
"Toshi, baby, calm down my love, please. "Mama hugged me again and this time, didn't release me when I scratched her nape, shouting with despair.
"Sho!!! Sho!!! I want Sho!!!" I cried, tears rolling on my face like a waterfall.
"He'll come, baby, he'll come but calm down please." She was rocking me in her arms. I still could hear all these noises around me, they didn't want to stop, they resounded in my head like an alarm. It was horrible, so horrible.
"Mama, I want Sho." I sobbed, tiredness invading my body.
"He'll come, my angel, don't worry." Mama made me release my arm. I had a big deep bit in my skin, blood still escaping the cut.
"What did you do to your arm, baby?" Mama kissed my sweating forehead, wiping my tears with her thumbs and I buried my face in her neck, my body was shaking with my sobs. It was so painful, so horrible.
"Sho." I whispered and closed my eyes, exhausted.
I opened my eyes, jumping. I was in my bedroom and the sky was dark. Do I fell asleep? I wasn't on the beach anymore. Sho. What if Sho came and I wasn't there? Did he think I didn't want to see him? Did he think I hated him? No. He couldn't. No, not Sho. And if he left me forever? He promised me to always be there for me! Sho. Where were you during these two days?
I stood up in silence and left my house. I wanted to be sure Sho wasn't waiting for me. I ran to the beach but it was empty. The waves were scratching softly on the sand, the sky was dark and the wind blew a little.
"Sho?" I called, hopefully. But no one answers. "Sho, where are you?" I called in the dark night, tears rolling on my cheeks. I sat at our usual place and waited. Maybe Sho would come if I waited for him here. But after some hours, Sho didn't come and I fell asleep, exhausted.
When I opened my eyes, my mother was holding my hand, crying.
"Mama?" I whispered weakly.
"Satoshi! How, God, thank you, my heart almost stopped when I found you on the beach. What did you do there?!"
"I was waiting for Sho-chan." I smiled.
"Satoshi, dear, I think Sho won't come back, now." Mama said softly and I froze.
"No, you lie, Sho promised me he'll always be there for me. I trust him, he'll come back!" I snapped angrily.
"Honey, it's been five days, now, I think you must move on and forget him." She stroked my cheek but I pushed her violently.
"NO! You lie! Sho promised me. He is the only person who has never seen me like a freak. He is my only friend and I trust him, he'll come back! Don't say these stupid things!" I shouted, tears rolling on my cheeks.
"Satoshi..."
"Leave me alone! I hate you!!! Sho would never abandon me!!! You're jealous because I'm always with him, I hate you, you're not my mother anymore!!!" I yelled, grabbing my head painfully and running in my bedroom.
"She's lying, she's lying, Sho would never leave me!" I cried, rocking my body with despair and biting my arm.
"Satoshi."
"Get out!!!" I screamed, crying loudly.
I hated myself for what I said to her but I couldn't keep my words. I was suffering so much!!! My head wanted to explode! I cried, biting my skin, scratching my body and hitting my fist against the wall. It hurt so much! Sho, where are you?! Come back, please!
During ten days, I stayed on the beach, waiting for Sho. I didn't speak to my mother and refused to eat. If mama tried to touch me or make me eat, I screamed and made the worst crisis I've ever made in my life. My arms were covered by a lot of deep bits, my chest and my legs with a lot of scratches but it didn't hurt, Sho's absence hurt so much more than physical bruises.
"Sho, where are you?" I asked to the horizon, tears rolling on my cheeks.
I raised my eyes to look at Satoko.
"This is what he went through when you left Tokyo." She said coldly.
"I... I made a big mistake but I'm here now, I want to explain to him why I let him alone." I said in a serious tone.
"Alright, but I don't think Satoshi will let you approach him again." She sighed and I stood up.
I knocked and opened the door of Sato's bedroom. He was there, in a corner, curled in a small ball and I kneeled silently in front of him, putting my hand on his shoulder.
"Satoshi, it's me, Sho." I whispered.
To be continued...