Transcendency: Chapter 25
Title: Transcendency
Pairing: OT5, Matsumiya
Genre: AU, Angst, Dark Fantasy
Disclaimer: Plot is mine, Arashi is not. Unfortunately.
Summary: Down the rabbit hole they fell.
Author's Note: Happy birthday Jun-kun!
Curled in the archway, Nino’s lacklustre gaze was fixed on the rain-soaked scenery. The hollow patter of the downpour hitting the thatched roof ricocheted right through his body. The treetops shook with the near constant gale that brought with it an unseasonably cold chill. Nino cared neither for the goosebumps that trailed up his arms or the droplets of rain that rebounded off the deck and saturated his bare feet. At that point, he was certain nothing would be enough to bring him any feeling.
Twenty minutes passed after Jun fled the campus before Nino forced himself to go home. He’d hoped it vain that the younger might return, or that Shun would find him, but every second he waited only served to remind him that Jun wasn’t coming back, just like the last time. When he could deny this no longer, he slunk home to the ryokan in total silence.
Yamazaki was in the courtyard sorting through a bag of his latest findings, his scavenging expedition cut short by the rainstorm that hit sooner than expected. He greeted Nino with his usual smile and asked how his conversation with Jun went. Nino didn’t speak to him; he walked over with dull steps while his fingers traced the edges of his flower puzzle. The once soothing strokes of the cool metal felt like nothing to him. He wordlessly slipped the chain from around his neck and placed it on the table, then headed over to the garden entrance.
Yamazaki’s whole demeanour changed as he picked up the discarded necklace and stared apprehensively at the figure slumped in the doorway. Nino could sense his yearning to question him about what happened, but to Yamazaki’s credit he remained tactful and simply waited for the former to open up on his own time. Not that Nino had any intention of doing so. His eyes glazed over and all noise but the falling rain faded to the back of his awareness. Not a tear was shed as his emotions withdrew to the darkest corner of his heart, locking themselves away behind the hardened walls of indifference and self-preservation. He saw no reason to stop it. He’d tried to be open but it hadn’t stopped Jun from leaving him again. Allowing his heart to fully feel had led to the very heartbreak he feared it would, yet this feeling was different to how it’d been before. He was not filled with the same hatred and passion that had sparked his quest for vengeance last time, nor was he gripped by despair so devastating it threatened his life. Both the thought of tracking down the game master and killing himself left him unsatisfied, and not even Yamazaki’s company brought him respite anymore. For the first time, he was merely existing without cause.
“Is there anything I can do?” Yamazaki asked.
Though soft, the sincerity in his voice was enough to reach Nino. The latter blinked his eyes slow, rubbing a hand over his face while he tried and failed to block out Yamazaki entirely. Realising the other was unlikely to read the signals given to him, Nino shook his head.
“No.” The word was muffled, his tone low, but he knew from the uncomfortable silence that followed that he had been heard.
Yamazaki bit his lip in worry. He glanced at the necklace in his hand, then back at Nino. While he’d never explicitly stated its meaning, Yamazaki had seen enough to determine the item was something precious to him. He’d worn it every moment since they re-encountered each other; in everyday life, during the games, even to bed. Yamazaki often caught him caressing it when he thought no one was watching and during their conversation that first night at the ryokan, he’d clutched it similar to how a child might hold their favourite stuffed toy after a nightmare. To see him remove it so casually now and leave it cold on the table concerned Yamazaki a great deal.
His fist closed around the flower in his grasp, then he approached with slow steps. He stood behind Nino for a few moments, hesitating over the best course of action before his expression softened in defeat.
“I’ll be upstairs if you need me,” he said. “I know you won’t believe me right now, but it will be okay. I promise.”
Yamazaki sighed under his breath and left the courtyard. As much as he may have wanted to intervene further, he knew there was nothing more he could do or say to help Nino out of his emotional slump. His world was crumbling around him yet again; the glimmer of hope he’d been offered had been ripped from him and now it was only a matter of time before oblivion consumed him whole.
Returning to reception after a quick detour to Nino’s room, Yamazaki peeked out the front door. His gaze swept the damp streets for a short few minutes before he slid the door closed again and headed to his room. He would be there for Nino if and when the latter chose to lean on him, but he already knew it was not his presence that Nino needed this time.
Nino heard the retreating footsteps and turned his head. The action, while barely enough to peer over his shoulder, allowed him to see that he was now alone. Part of him expected a wave of loneliness to wash over him; it would be strong enough to force him to his feet and follow his airheaded companion, or at least give him the courage to call for him to come back. But instead, he felt the same persistent numbness clawing at every inch of his being. His dull gaze returned to the rain. Even breathing exhausted him as he sat unmoving and unmotivated.
No matter how hard he tried, he kept reliving that moment over and over again. Telling the younger about their friends’ fate was as horrible as he expected it to be but the look on Jun’s face and the pleading in his voice when he accused Nino of being a liar was truly scarring. Losing him seemed both unbearable and inevitable at this point. He had no idea how he was supposed to fix this situation, assuming he even could.
Nino looked imploringly up at the heavens. “What should I do guys?”
He prayed for some indication that their spirits had heard him but found only scenery evocative of his feelings. The sky was nothing but a dim grey sheet; the rain had eased, the ensuing drizzle reminiscent of tears that refused to dry. Nino sighed and let his head drop to his chest. The silence he received made his heart ache as he was left feeling more alone than ever.
His surroundings grew darker as night fell, the persisting cloud cover making everything seem gloomier than it should have been. Not even the glow of nearby arenas could pierce through the darkness to find him. But Nino had no intention of moving; he was content to sit there for the rest of his days until his body wasted away and left him as lifelessly unrecognisable as the many corpses that littered the streets.
The nearby shrubbery rustled. Nino looked up briefly before writing it off as the wind. When the noise sounded again, closer this time, he pouted and took a second look. He stared at the path leading down the side of the ryokan. As he narrowed his eyes, he heard the distinct crunching of footsteps along the pebble path. He sighed again and shuffled into a more comfortable position, drawing his knees to his torso.
“I thought you said you were going upstairs,” he rasped.
Ordinarily, he would have questioned what anyone would be doing traipsing about in the rain around an onsen, but recent weeks had taught him not to question Yamazaki’s way of thinking. His mind operated on a different wavelength than most and Nino couldn’t even say he was surprised to discover him outside soon after declaring he was going to his room.
The footsteps grew louder, accompanied by the occasional splash of shoes striking puddles and the snapping of twigs. Nino had every confidence Yamazaki would emerge from the undergrowth, no doubt with an awkward smile and a random excuse of herb hunting or forgetting something. Perhaps he had come back to convince Nino to join him for dinner. Nino was not prepared for the actual face that appeared before him.
Out of the rain, following the pebbled path along the edge of the ryokan, walked Jun. His steps were cautious and his head hung low, his eyes red and puffy. All Nino could do was stare uncomfortably as his friend came to a standstill in front of him. His skin was a few shades paler than normal and he was shivering.
“You came back.” Though Nino was undeniably surprised to see him, his voice was void of any true emotion.
Jun nodded sheepishly. Looking anywhere but at his friend, he stood there rubbing his arms in apparent cold as he awaited Nino’s judgement. The latter shuffled over in the archway and gave a half-hearted gesture for his friend to come inside out of the rain, all the while pondering how to best shield himself.
But as confused and hurt as he was, he couldn’t help the endearing half smile that formed when Jun went to step past him, only to slip on the wet floor and nearly fall on top of him. Colour bloomed on his pale lips as he stammered an apology.
“There’s the Jun-kun I know,” Nino whispered under his breath.
He watched on while Jun dried himself off with one of the onsen towels. He looked like a drowned puppy. His hair was drenched and windblown; his clothes were soaked through and he had mud all over his jeans. Jun was still refusing to meet his eyes. It was obvious how hard he was trying to appear stoic, yet for the life of him he could not hope to keep what he was feeling from showing on his face. It was a look Nino had seen so many times and was one he sorely missed. In that instant, he knew their friends had delivered him the answer he needed.
Slowly, he rose to his feet. His expression remained unreadable right up until the moment he stood nose to nose with the younger. He watched the way Jun’s throat twitched and saw guilt flash in his eyes when he finally looked up. It was like he was waiting-waiting for Nino to yell at him, waiting to be told to leave. Without saying anything, Nino wrapped his arms around his nape and pulled him down into a tender embrace.
“Please stop disappearing on me.”
A beat of tense silence followed his plea. Then a pair of arms encircled his back and pulled him in closer. The chest against his quivered and he heard a soft sob, followed by the bobbing motion of a nod. A tiny smile graced Nino’s lips and he sank into the hug completely, his insecurities about losing his dear friend again vanishing with every second he spent being held by him.
When he drew back from the embrace, he was more than happy to hide his elation behind a mischievous smirk. “I won’t have to keep stalking you then.”
“You’d better not,” Jun said with a tearful chuckle.
Relishing in the lighter atmosphere, Nino’s smirk became more of an earnest smile. He glanced at the other’s saturated clothes.
“Come on,” he said, changing the subject as he gestured for Jun to follow. “You must be freezing.”
Still shivering despite being out of the rain, Jun followed Nino to his room. Nino rummaged through his bag for some clothes that would fit his friend. He pulled out Aiba’s spare shirt and a pair of slacks, sizing them up in his mind before handing them to Jun. He spun around again to give him privacy while he changed.
“I didn’t think I’d see you again, least of all tonight,” he remarked. Eyeing the muddy footprints and fallen leaves scattered near the door, he asked, “Why’d you come around the back anyway?”
“The front door was locked,” Jun replied.
Nino clicked his tongue. “Zakiyama.” Whether Yamazaki had done so deliberately in case Jun returned or if it was sheer coincidence was unknown to Nino.
Peering over his shoulder after a minute or two, Nino’s heart jumped into his throat. Jun had finished changing and was staring at Ohno’s sketchbook on the table. He cautiously flipped through the pages as Nino nervously approached him. He could read the anguish that was painted on the other’s face, something which increased tenfold when he reached their portraits. Something fell from the pages. Nino froze as Jun picked up the necklace. He threaded the chain in his fingers, his morose gaze fixed on the handheld puzzle that dangled from its end.
“I’m sorry, Kazu,” he whispered when Nino touched his arm. “I never considered how much you must be hurting too.”
Nino shook his head and carefully took the book back from him, his own gaze lingering on the portraits for longer than necessary. “I’m just sorry I had to tell you at all.”
“I’m glad you did,” Jun murmured. “It was something I needed to hear, even if I don’t want to believe it.”
Nino felt apprehensive about the dangerous turn in their conversation. Jun’s reaction last time the topic of their friends was brought up weighed on his mind. He was scared of forcing the younger into accepting the heavy burden before he could handle it.
“News like that…it’s hard to take in. If you’re not ready to know what happened-”
“I’m ready,” Jun said, a little too fast to be convincing.
Nino eyed him warily. “Are you sure?”
Jun nodded. “I know it won’t be easy, but I want to know.” He swallowed hard and held Nino’s gaze, his expression pleading. “I want to say goodbye.”
Nino’s chest tightened. Even if every fibre in his body was telling him to follow his protective instinct, he didn’t have the heart to deny him.
“Tomorrow then,” he declared.
Knowing they were both too physically and mentally exhausted to handle anything more that evening, Nino sat himself down on his futon and readied himself to call it a night. His stomach was churning too much for the prospect of food to even cross his mind; the only thing he wanted to do was sleep and forget the hardships this day had brought. Expecting Jun to leave, he was taken aback when the younger pulled the second futon from the cupboard and laid it on the floor. He didn’t say anything even as he settled himself down next to Nino. Nino didn’t say anything either, surprised but ultimately pleased to have his company.
As the exhaustion of the day caught up with him, Jun soon fell into deep slumber. Nino stared at his face, monitoring the parting of his lips and the slight flickering of his eyelids; he observed the way his expression changed from anxious to stoic before finally relaxing. Nino hoped Jun would not be plagued by nightmares like he had been, knowing what morning would bring would be nightmare enough. Holding onto hope that tomorrow would be better, he cast a final glance out the window at the tiny patch of starlight he could see peeking through the clouds and prayed his friends would watch over them.
Waking to warmth caressing his face, Nino stretched his neck back, delighting in the comforting feel of dawn. But while there was no denying the sensation heating his cheek came from the window above him, there was no explanation for the equally warm feeling enveloping his lower body. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and glanced down, stunned to discover an arm that did not belong to him draped over his waist. He spied over his shoulder at where Jun lay asleep beside him. He’d shuffled over from his futon at some point during the night and now rested halfway across Nino’s instead.
Carefully shifting himself out of his friend’s embrace, Nino sat up. He climbed to his feet and walked over to his bag. As he was pulling out a relatively clean shirt, the younger’s head jolted upright. Nino startled at the sudden movement. He waited quietly to see if Jun was properly awake; it took him a few minutes of yawning, face rubbing and laying back down as if going back to sleep for him to rouse. It wasn’t until he met Nino’s gaze that the latter knew with certainty that he was truly conscious.
“Morning,” Nino greeted him.
Jun echoed the sentiment with another yawn and took his time pulling himself upright. To Nino, it was a more familiar imagery than the wide-eyed, morning-enthusiastic Jun he saw yesterday. He allowed his friend to take all the time he needed to get ready, knowing the moment he was would be the moment they were both dreading.
When Jun glanced his way after fifteen minutes, Nino knew it was time. As they worked their way towards the stairs, he felt a nagging feeling of being watched. He cast a subtle glance over his shoulder and saw Yamazaki’s head partially peeking out from the doorway. Their eyes met for a brief moment and the latter’s cheekbones rose as if he was smiling, his gaze saying more than words ever could. Nino took refuge in the courage gifted to him and ventured out into the city.
Every step that brought them closer to their friends’ graves pulled the knot in Nino’s stomach tighter. He would give Jun’s hand a light squeeze every now and then to give them both the encouragement needed to keep going. Neither spoke until they reached the edge of the park. Jun’s steps slowed when he recognised the area where he and Aiba used to run of a morning. A feeling of alarm overcame him.
“Here?”
Looking totally rigid, Nino nodded. Jun’s eyes widened a little, a look of aghast marring his expression. Any words he thought to say got caught in his throat as a sour taste filled his mouth. Ignoring his better instincts, he continued to follow Nino’s lead. He regretted doing so when they came upon a row of stones amidst the greenery some minutes later. Too large and neatly aligned to be there by coincidence, Jun’s heart sank. His steps became heavy until he could bring himself to walk no closer.
His whole body was stiff yet trembling at the same time, his horrified gaze incapable of looking anywhere but the engravings carved into each stone. Though he had asked to come here, he couldn’t conceal the overwhelming wave of grief that hit him the moment he read their names. Tears stung his eyes. He was struggling to breathe as his chest became impossibly tight. He sunk to the grass when his legs gave out.
In his state of utter despair, he almost didn’t notice when Nino embraced him from behind. His arms coiled around Jun’s torso to hold him as close as possible. Jun choked on his own breath a few times when he endeavoured to speak.
“How?” he rasped.
Nino struggled to answer. The truth had already broken his friend and he feared pushing him beyond the point of recovery should he divulge the exact details. But he knew he had to say something.
“It was a game of babanuki that took Aiba-kun from us,” he said, choosing his words carefully.
Confusion flickered in Jun’s devastated gaze. “He lost?”
Nino shook his head. “He didn’t want us to suffer the pain and guilt of having to kill one of our friends, so he threw the game on purpose. He sacrificed himself to spare us that agony.”
His revelation brought about a new bout of grief that had Jun weeping even harder. He clenched his teeth and shut his eyes, his head dropping though it did nothing to ease his heartache.
As Nino was pondering if it wasn’t better to let the younger cope with the loss in what little ignorance he still had, Jun mumbled something. The words themselves were too muffled by tears to make much sense of, but Nino could comprehend their meaning nonetheless.
“You already know how Sho-chan…what happened that night,” he went on.
He decided to skim over the specifics of Sho’s grim demise to spare Jun further pain, but there was one detail he could not overlook. After all the doubt and conflict that occurred the last time the younger saw them all, and the accusation Nino made about Sho wanting to sacrifice Jun for the greater good, he felt it only right to ensure their friend was remembered for the noble person he was.
“The truth is he was a hero,” admitted Nino. “That night, I fell too. He could have pulled himself up and saved his own life, but he didn’t so that I wouldn’t lose my grip. He made sure me and Oh-chan had made it to safety before even trying to help himself.”
He could feel Jun trembling in his arms as his confession struck a chord. Nino wanted so badly to shield him from the gut-wrenching grief that was due to consume him whole, but he knew there was nothing he could do. He just held him tighter and let him cry.
“And Oh-chan?” Jun asked after a while, his voice shaking.
“I…I’m only alive because of him.” A tear dropped down Nino’s cheek. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he forced the confession out. “It was a game for the two of us, designed to pit us against one another. He should have easily won but he threw the match so that I could live.”
He could barely hold back his own grief at this point as the recount left him reeling, like he was reliving every one of their deaths. Jun wasn’t coping much better. His tears were unending, his expression overflowing with anguish as he battled both the grief of losing his friends and his guilt over not being there when it happened. Any and all conversation between the pair had perished by this point, not that Nino was too disappointed by this. The catch he could feel in his throat would have made it too much of a struggle to speak anyway and it was obvious Jun was in absolutely no state to do anything other than cry. Nino simply hugged him and did what he could to be strong enough for both of them.
He tried to distract himself from the heartbreaking sight of his shattered friend by looking to the graves instead. The flowers resting against each headstone were wilting, not that this was at all surprising. Nino hadn’t visited their final resting place in weeks; he hadn’t wanted to jeopardise his mission of finding and killing the game master and knew going anywhere near their graves would destroy him all over again.
Feeling his breathing hitch, Nino knew he was right not to come before now. He feared the mere sight of their deathbeds would send him spiralling into another depression and knew his fears were coming to light as he felt himself slipping into that dark abyss again the longer they remained in this place. His only solace was when he looked to the folded jacket that was resting on the grass beside the tombstones. Unlike the others, the small bouquet of primroses atop it had barely begun to wither. Their colour was still vibrant and they were holding much of their shape in spite of the recent rain, with only the very tips of the petals starting to curl. Nino gave a small, bittersweet smile at their permanence. Seeing them, alive even when surrounded by the other dying bouquets, he couldn’t help comparing their survival to that of the man they were meant for.
After leaving the hotel, Nino had made one final stop at the gravesite. It was at this time he left a token among the other burials as a last goodbye to Jun. It felt only right to offer something in lieu of having no physical body to sendoff. The coat was one he’d obtained during his shopping venture with Aiba and was the very one he’d been wearing when he came to Nino’s room that evening. Nino felt it was a fitting tribute to the younger, especially as he’d been unable to part with the necklace.
“We thought you were dead too,” he told him after he felt Jun’s breathing begin to even out. His expression was completely open when Jun glanced over his shoulder to meet his gaze. “We fell apart without you. Every day that you were gone was torture to us and not knowing what happened to you tore us apart.”
Tears that had been clinging to the edge of his lashes finally poured over as he confessed his pain in full. It was the least of his intentions to burden the younger with more guilt but just as he knew Jun had the right to know of their friends’ fates, he too had the right to know exactly how his absence had impacted them.
Nino startled when the body in his arms twisted around to face him before drawing him into an even tighter embrace.
“It was agony for me too,” Jun whispered.
When Nino raised his gaze, he saw a familiar pain shining in the younger’s eyes. It was the same look he himself wore whenever he contemplated his friend’s unknown fate in the weeks prior. Nino lay his head against Jun’s shoulder. A lifetime could have passed in the time they spent holding one another.
When they did eventually pull back, Nino used his sleeve to brush the tears from his face. Jun did the same, only to smile softly when he looked to the smaller guy. He reached up and wiped away the stray eyelash on Nino’s cheek. Nino smiled at the action. For the first time in so long, he felt no need to put his walls up. Yamazaki was right-in allowing himself to be open with Jun, he’d found the solace he direly needed. Jun was the calm in his emotional turbulence, the rock amidst the storm he’d battled for weeks. The fate of their friends may have left them broken but as the ashes cleared, they would help each other rebuild even stronger than before. Nino was certain of this.
The boys sat together in the park in reflective quiet. While their tears had ceased to fall an hour ago, the worst of their grief fading with the passage of time, neither felt ready to leave yet. Now facing away from the graves, Jun’s expression was wistful as he stared at the city. His hands unconsciously stroked the jacket Nino had given back to him. Even weatherworn and dusted with dirt and petals, Jun recognised the monochromatic coat with ease.
“It seemed only right to give you a sendoff too, and that was about the only thing you left behind,” Nino had told him.
Even now, Jun felt torn over how to react. He understood the motive behind his friend’s gesture and certainly appreciated the sentiment of his absence being mourned, but as he ran his thumb over the fabric, knowing all Nino had told him, he felt disturbed. It was like holding his own tombstone.
“You really thought I was dead too, huh?” Jun whispered after a while.
Beside him, Nino fiddled with the stem of the primrose he’d plucked from the bouquet. “What else were we supposed to think? We searched everywhere for you; we waited weeks but you never came back. All that was left was to assume the worst.”
He allowed the weight of his comment to settle in Jun’s mind, all the while waiting to see how he would react. After taking the chance and opening up with him about their friends, he could only hope the younger would return the favour and be honest with him now.
“What happened to you?”
Jun could feel Nino staring at him expectantly. His tongue felt like lead in his mouth knowing he could no longer delay the inevitable. The memories flowed like fallen leaves on a raging river, offering him fleeting glimpses of a period he’d tried so hard to put behind him. He remembered the pull inside him that first night. It was like a spring’s coil within him, each step that carried him from the hotel and his friends pulling it tighter until he was sure it would snap. He could still feel the numbness in his feet when he finally found a place to take refuge; it quickly spread through the rest of his body with the realisation that he was now alone. He recalled the tears that fell each night he spent in the grips of solitude and fear, the unknown of what he would do tearing at his heart while battling the urge to run back to his friends brought him to the edge of his sanity.
Jun sighed as he endeavoured to push past the unpleasant feelings, only to exhaust himself. “When I left you guys, I had no clue where to go or what I was doing. In fact, I was certain I’d sealed my fate by leaving. I eventually took shelter in this old gym. It was supposed to only be for the night but by morning, I realised if I was going to stand any chance at surviving on my own, I needed to become stronger. Fortunately, I was in the right place. Most of the equipment worked fine even without electricity, so I started to train.”
Despite remaining silent while he listened to the younger’s tale, Nino couldn’t help frowning. He recalled the weeks he and the others spent scouring the city for their missing friend; in the vaguest corner of his recollection, he remembered seeing a gym among the many streets they searched. It was about a half hour walk from their hotel and was kind of rundown, with mostly analogue machines and equipment. Neither he nor his friends had looked inside, writing it off as another random store.
“You were that close this whole time?” Nino’s voice was little more than a whisper but laced with a steely tone.
The younger didn’t reply, unsure what he could possibly say. He considered denying his intention of hiding from his friends but they would both know he was lying. It was the reason why he never went running again; he was too afraid of bumping into Aiba. He knew he wouldn’t be strong enough to resist going back should he encounter any of them-just as he had the night he found Nino-so he forced himself to stay away. The times he did venture out into the city were scarce. He spent his days training and only scavenged for necessities while the rest of the players were busy in the games. When his visa days ran low, he would trek for hours just to find an arena far from the hotel to avoid a chance encounter. It was drastic but he believed it necessary after coming so close to losing his friends.
“I couldn’t come back,” he finally broke his silence when he could no longer bear Nino’s glare burning into him.
The latter crossed his arms. “So you’ve said.”
“You can tell me you wanted me to stay all you like, but even I knew I was letting you down,” Jun snapped. “It was my failure in the five of hearts that almost got one of you killed. Oh-chan nearly died saving me. Aiba-chan risked his life to rescue me. I couldn’t risk any of you getting hurt again.”
His blood ran hot as a burst of sudden rage filled him. Recalling the reason why he hadn’t been there, knowing it had all been in vain, caused his anger to misdirect itself. He quickly lost the will to keep up the argument.
“Clearly you’re more capable than when you left,” said Nino. He took a deep breath as he did his best to restrain his scathing tone. “So why didn’t you come home? If you really believe you were holding us back, why not return once you were stronger?”
“I couldn’t.”
“Why? Because you replaced us with them?”
“It wasn’t like that,” Jun growled.
He held Nino’s gaze for a moment, a flicker of genuine anger aimed at him over the accusation before he sighed and looked away again. It wasn’t like he never thought about going back, though he knew he couldn’t tell his friend as much.
“About ten days after I left, I saw these people running through the street one morning. When I went outside to check, I realised they were racing, but like I’d never seen before. Nothing stood in their way; I watched them scale walls, leap buildings, all without breaking a sweat. They were fearless and I wanted in, so I followed them.”
As he spoke, Jun’s eyes shone with the same passionate light he’d gotten when he first laid eyes on the troupe. He’d felt a rush of adrenaline simply by watching. Without thinking, he’d run after them. Keeping pace was nearly impossible and on more than one occasion, he lost sight of them. It was only due to their theatrics that he managed to find them again. He trailed them for a good twenty minutes before they finally stopped at neighbourhood playground. The nine members were scattered across the colourful equipment, playing like a bunch of oversized children.
“They didn’t exactly welcome me with open arms,” Jun continued his tale. “Most in the group were recruited after proving themselves in the games, so naturally they weren’t too pleased about me showing up out of the blue.”
He sighed deeply as the memory came rushing back. When he approached the playground, eyes wide with wonder, reality slapped him in the face soon enough. His attempt to introduce himself fell on deaf ears as several members taunted his interest in joining. Some were polite enough to point out that the decision of his potential membership did not lie with them, though such comments were usually met with disparaging remarks about how they shouldn’t waste Okada’s time with a candidate like him.
Jun’s fingers trailed up his calf, tracing the burns. “They took one look at me and my scars and wrote me off as some weakling. Only Okada-sempai was willing to give me a shot.”
“What’s the deal with that guy anyway?” Nino asked. Even now, he felt unnerved by the older man’s aura.
“He was an expert traceur and martial arts instructor in the old world,” Jun explained. “He taught us everything we know.”
Nino furrowed his brows. “Why go to the trouble of teaching a bunch of strangers how to climb walls and the like?”
“He’s a teacher-it’s only natural for him to miss passing on his skills to students,” Jun pointed out. “And it’s far more than just climbing walls. It’s about overcoming obstacles, internal and external, and how sheer willpower can conquer anything. Without the skills he taught me, I wouldn’t have stood a chance in many of the games. He’s saved my life in more ways than one. The rest of the troupe told me to get lost when I first found them, but Okada-sempai said since I’d gone to the trouble of following them all the way there, he would let me participate in an initiation challenge and would teach me everything if I won.”
“Just like he did with me yesterday,” Nino murmured. When Jun nodded, he decided to slake his own curiosity by asking, “Does that mean you actually tagged someone?”
There was a flicker of doubt in Jun’s gaze, as if he was unsure whether to answer, but then he cocked his head thoughtfully. “Not exactly.”
“Meaning?”
“I nearly caught Toma,” said Jun. Clicking his tongue, he added, “Actually, I’m sure I did tag him, even if the official ruling was that I missed.” He sighed as he caught himself digressing over an old contention and focused himself back on Nino’s line of questioning. “But no. No one ever catches anyone during initiation.”
“If that’s true, then how did you win? How does anyone win?” Nino asked.
“It’s not about winning,” Jun answered. “Okada-sempai watches our performance and if he sees potential, he’ll take you under his wing. I failed the challenge but impressed Okada-sempai, and swore to myself that I wouldn’t let that opportunity go to waste. I pushed myself harder than I ever thought possible and over time, I convinced everyone else that I deserved to be there as much as they did.”
Jun’s eyes shone proudly as he recalled the moment he proved himself. Weeks of blood, sweat and tears had gone into his fight to earn his place within the group. He’d subsequently earned the respect and friendship of his fellow members, despite there still being times when they would accuse him of favouritism from Okada. Even after yesterday’s training, some of the others had alleged the hour wasn’t up before he pulled Nino from the building and the only reason he hadn’t lost his placement was because Okada was still treating him with kid gloves. He proved them wrong by showing them up for the rest of training. He may have been given more chances than the others initially but he had since surpassed most of them in terms of sheer skill.
“I gave everything to my training,” Jun told his friend. “When I wasn’t with the troupe, I was in that gym. When I wasn’t there, I was in the games, all so that one day I could return and make you guys proud. I could feel myself getting stronger every day but no matter how much progress I made, my fears remained. It felt like if I was to go back, everything I learned would fail me. I was scared nothing I could do would be enough to save you…which is exactly why I had to leave in the first place, even if it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Nino shook his head. “We never wanted you to go-”
“I know,” Jun cut off his attempt to explain himself. “You just wanted to protect me, and you were right. I was a burden. I let you all down and you had every reason to resent me for it. Even I resented me.”
He paused, exhaling deeply as he felt his emotions begin to slip from his control. He gave himself a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing.
“Okada-sempai believed in me when no one else did,” he said. “He helped me achieve my true potential and I owe him everything for that.”
The level of awe and respect in Jun’s voice took Nino by surprise. Discomfort prickled in the latter’s chest, a combination of guilt and longing causing an unsettling sensation to bury itself deep in his abdomen.
“Sounds like you really care about him.”
“I care about all of them,” Jun told him. “We may have gotten off to a rough start, but they’re my friends.”
Nino’s expression fell heavy. His lips pursed in a pout while his despondent gaze turned downcast. Jun noticed and experienced his own distressing sensation. He gazed over his shoulder at the tombstones. The volume of his voice dropped back somewhat as he allowed the full extent of his emotion to come through in his next words.
“But no matter how much I care for them, they will never replace what you guys mean to me. You’re my family, my life. Without you four, I’m nothing.”
He stared at Nino, his gaze intense yet sincere as he pleaded for the shorter guy to believe him. His declaration struck a chord with Nino and his bitterness wavered. As much as he wished to hold onto his resentment towards Jun for everything he put them through, there was no helping the way his annoyance was replaced by a wistfulness that was both heartbreaking and comforting.
A relieved smile appeared on Jun’s face when he saw Nino’s expression soften as he accepted the reassurance given to him. But his relief was fleeting. Tears pricked the corners of Jun’s eyes when he looked to the graves yet again. A catch formed in his throat as he reflected on his confessed fears and realised how foolish he was.
“I’ll never forgive myself for not being there,” he whimpered.
The guilt of not being with his friends at their end was something he knew would weigh on him forever. He’d allowed his fears to selfishly control him and now he would never know if there was more he could have done to prevent their deaths.
“I’m glad you weren’t.”
Nino pushed aside the unpleasant feeling as the words left his mouth. Ignoring the disbelieving look Jun sent him was much harder, but he refused to let it sway him from his line of reasoning.
“As much as I want to believe otherwise, you being there wouldn’t have changed things,” Nino told him. “One of us still would have lost in babanuki; we’d have still run out of time while crossing that beam, and we would’ve still been pitted against each other in the two of hearts.” He shut his eyes in a moment of private anguish before speaking again. “If anything, I’d have probably lost you too.”
Soft tears trickled down Jun’s cheeks as he allowed what Nino said to sink in. Frightened by the thought of losing them should he return and guilt-ridden over losing them by not being there, he hadn’t considered the possibility of himself dying with them. While he wanted nothing more than to deny his friend’s argument that there was nothing he could have done to save them, he couldn’t. From what he knew of their passing, death was an inevitable outcome for at least one of them in every situation, exactly as Nino claimed. It didn’t lessen his guilt to know he had survived by leaving his best friends, but knowing Nino didn’t blame him made it a burden slightly more bearable.
Nino’s heart broke seeing the hurt that tarnished the younger’s expression. While he knew he had gotten through to him to some extent, he also knew it would do little to relinquish the survivor’s guilt that was coursing through him. He squeezed the stem of the primrose.
“They never forgot you, you know,” he said quietly, hoping to put Jun’s troubled thoughts at ease. “Even when you weren’t with us, you were always in our hearts. You saw the tribute Oh-chan made you, and Sho-chan never stopped trying to protect the rest of us to make up for the fact that he failed you.” A bittersweet smile tugged at Nino’s lips as he recalled a conversation riddled with unbridled albeit infuriating optimism. “Maybe we should have been more like Aiba-chan. He never gave up hope that you were still out there somewhere and that one day you’d come home to us.”
After a moment of hesitation, he gingerly held out the primrose in offering. He kept Jun’s gaze as he waited for the younger to take it. Jun stared at the flower with tear-glazed eyes. He slowly took it. His gaze was fixed on the purple petals while he twirled the stalk between his fingers. Though still a little unsettled by the death tribute, he was touched to receive the flower from his friend. It wasn’t just a reminder of Nino’s tribute to him; it was a reaffirmation that he too was alive.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come home sooner,” Jun murmured.
Spotting a small flicker of purple amongst the monochromatic mound resting on his lap, he unfolded the material and plucked a second primrose from the creases of his jacket. He smiled down at the somewhat flattened flower and handed it to Nino. The latter was taken aback by the gesture at first but as he stared into Jun’s eyes, he saw the very same message he himself had hoped to convey shining in his emotive gaze.
With matching flowers cradled in their adjoined hands, the pair watched as the clouds parted to reveal a rejuvenating patch of blue sky.
Pairing: OT5, Matsumiya
Genre: AU, Angst, Dark Fantasy
Disclaimer: Plot is mine, Arashi is not. Unfortunately.
Summary: Down the rabbit hole they fell.
Author's Note: Happy birthday Jun-kun!
Curled in the archway, Nino’s lacklustre gaze was fixed on the rain-soaked scenery. The hollow patter of the downpour hitting the thatched roof ricocheted right through his body. The treetops shook with the near constant gale that brought with it an unseasonably cold chill. Nino cared neither for the goosebumps that trailed up his arms or the droplets of rain that rebounded off the deck and saturated his bare feet. At that point, he was certain nothing would be enough to bring him any feeling.
Twenty minutes passed after Jun fled the campus before Nino forced himself to go home. He’d hoped it vain that the younger might return, or that Shun would find him, but every second he waited only served to remind him that Jun wasn’t coming back, just like the last time. When he could deny this no longer, he slunk home to the ryokan in total silence.
Yamazaki was in the courtyard sorting through a bag of his latest findings, his scavenging expedition cut short by the rainstorm that hit sooner than expected. He greeted Nino with his usual smile and asked how his conversation with Jun went. Nino didn’t speak to him; he walked over with dull steps while his fingers traced the edges of his flower puzzle. The once soothing strokes of the cool metal felt like nothing to him. He wordlessly slipped the chain from around his neck and placed it on the table, then headed over to the garden entrance.
Yamazaki’s whole demeanour changed as he picked up the discarded necklace and stared apprehensively at the figure slumped in the doorway. Nino could sense his yearning to question him about what happened, but to Yamazaki’s credit he remained tactful and simply waited for the former to open up on his own time. Not that Nino had any intention of doing so. His eyes glazed over and all noise but the falling rain faded to the back of his awareness. Not a tear was shed as his emotions withdrew to the darkest corner of his heart, locking themselves away behind the hardened walls of indifference and self-preservation. He saw no reason to stop it. He’d tried to be open but it hadn’t stopped Jun from leaving him again. Allowing his heart to fully feel had led to the very heartbreak he feared it would, yet this feeling was different to how it’d been before. He was not filled with the same hatred and passion that had sparked his quest for vengeance last time, nor was he gripped by despair so devastating it threatened his life. Both the thought of tracking down the game master and killing himself left him unsatisfied, and not even Yamazaki’s company brought him respite anymore. For the first time, he was merely existing without cause.
“Is there anything I can do?” Yamazaki asked.
Though soft, the sincerity in his voice was enough to reach Nino. The latter blinked his eyes slow, rubbing a hand over his face while he tried and failed to block out Yamazaki entirely. Realising the other was unlikely to read the signals given to him, Nino shook his head.
“No.” The word was muffled, his tone low, but he knew from the uncomfortable silence that followed that he had been heard.
Yamazaki bit his lip in worry. He glanced at the necklace in his hand, then back at Nino. While he’d never explicitly stated its meaning, Yamazaki had seen enough to determine the item was something precious to him. He’d worn it every moment since they re-encountered each other; in everyday life, during the games, even to bed. Yamazaki often caught him caressing it when he thought no one was watching and during their conversation that first night at the ryokan, he’d clutched it similar to how a child might hold their favourite stuffed toy after a nightmare. To see him remove it so casually now and leave it cold on the table concerned Yamazaki a great deal.
His fist closed around the flower in his grasp, then he approached with slow steps. He stood behind Nino for a few moments, hesitating over the best course of action before his expression softened in defeat.
“I’ll be upstairs if you need me,” he said. “I know you won’t believe me right now, but it will be okay. I promise.”
Yamazaki sighed under his breath and left the courtyard. As much as he may have wanted to intervene further, he knew there was nothing more he could do or say to help Nino out of his emotional slump. His world was crumbling around him yet again; the glimmer of hope he’d been offered had been ripped from him and now it was only a matter of time before oblivion consumed him whole.
Returning to reception after a quick detour to Nino’s room, Yamazaki peeked out the front door. His gaze swept the damp streets for a short few minutes before he slid the door closed again and headed to his room. He would be there for Nino if and when the latter chose to lean on him, but he already knew it was not his presence that Nino needed this time.
Nino heard the retreating footsteps and turned his head. The action, while barely enough to peer over his shoulder, allowed him to see that he was now alone. Part of him expected a wave of loneliness to wash over him; it would be strong enough to force him to his feet and follow his airheaded companion, or at least give him the courage to call for him to come back. But instead, he felt the same persistent numbness clawing at every inch of his being. His dull gaze returned to the rain. Even breathing exhausted him as he sat unmoving and unmotivated.
No matter how hard he tried, he kept reliving that moment over and over again. Telling the younger about their friends’ fate was as horrible as he expected it to be but the look on Jun’s face and the pleading in his voice when he accused Nino of being a liar was truly scarring. Losing him seemed both unbearable and inevitable at this point. He had no idea how he was supposed to fix this situation, assuming he even could.
Nino looked imploringly up at the heavens. “What should I do guys?”
He prayed for some indication that their spirits had heard him but found only scenery evocative of his feelings. The sky was nothing but a dim grey sheet; the rain had eased, the ensuing drizzle reminiscent of tears that refused to dry. Nino sighed and let his head drop to his chest. The silence he received made his heart ache as he was left feeling more alone than ever.
His surroundings grew darker as night fell, the persisting cloud cover making everything seem gloomier than it should have been. Not even the glow of nearby arenas could pierce through the darkness to find him. But Nino had no intention of moving; he was content to sit there for the rest of his days until his body wasted away and left him as lifelessly unrecognisable as the many corpses that littered the streets.
The nearby shrubbery rustled. Nino looked up briefly before writing it off as the wind. When the noise sounded again, closer this time, he pouted and took a second look. He stared at the path leading down the side of the ryokan. As he narrowed his eyes, he heard the distinct crunching of footsteps along the pebble path. He sighed again and shuffled into a more comfortable position, drawing his knees to his torso.
“I thought you said you were going upstairs,” he rasped.
Ordinarily, he would have questioned what anyone would be doing traipsing about in the rain around an onsen, but recent weeks had taught him not to question Yamazaki’s way of thinking. His mind operated on a different wavelength than most and Nino couldn’t even say he was surprised to discover him outside soon after declaring he was going to his room.
The footsteps grew louder, accompanied by the occasional splash of shoes striking puddles and the snapping of twigs. Nino had every confidence Yamazaki would emerge from the undergrowth, no doubt with an awkward smile and a random excuse of herb hunting or forgetting something. Perhaps he had come back to convince Nino to join him for dinner. Nino was not prepared for the actual face that appeared before him.
Out of the rain, following the pebbled path along the edge of the ryokan, walked Jun. His steps were cautious and his head hung low, his eyes red and puffy. All Nino could do was stare uncomfortably as his friend came to a standstill in front of him. His skin was a few shades paler than normal and he was shivering.
“You came back.” Though Nino was undeniably surprised to see him, his voice was void of any true emotion.
Jun nodded sheepishly. Looking anywhere but at his friend, he stood there rubbing his arms in apparent cold as he awaited Nino’s judgement. The latter shuffled over in the archway and gave a half-hearted gesture for his friend to come inside out of the rain, all the while pondering how to best shield himself.
But as confused and hurt as he was, he couldn’t help the endearing half smile that formed when Jun went to step past him, only to slip on the wet floor and nearly fall on top of him. Colour bloomed on his pale lips as he stammered an apology.
“There’s the Jun-kun I know,” Nino whispered under his breath.
He watched on while Jun dried himself off with one of the onsen towels. He looked like a drowned puppy. His hair was drenched and windblown; his clothes were soaked through and he had mud all over his jeans. Jun was still refusing to meet his eyes. It was obvious how hard he was trying to appear stoic, yet for the life of him he could not hope to keep what he was feeling from showing on his face. It was a look Nino had seen so many times and was one he sorely missed. In that instant, he knew their friends had delivered him the answer he needed.
Slowly, he rose to his feet. His expression remained unreadable right up until the moment he stood nose to nose with the younger. He watched the way Jun’s throat twitched and saw guilt flash in his eyes when he finally looked up. It was like he was waiting-waiting for Nino to yell at him, waiting to be told to leave. Without saying anything, Nino wrapped his arms around his nape and pulled him down into a tender embrace.
“Please stop disappearing on me.”
A beat of tense silence followed his plea. Then a pair of arms encircled his back and pulled him in closer. The chest against his quivered and he heard a soft sob, followed by the bobbing motion of a nod. A tiny smile graced Nino’s lips and he sank into the hug completely, his insecurities about losing his dear friend again vanishing with every second he spent being held by him.
When he drew back from the embrace, he was more than happy to hide his elation behind a mischievous smirk. “I won’t have to keep stalking you then.”
“You’d better not,” Jun said with a tearful chuckle.
Relishing in the lighter atmosphere, Nino’s smirk became more of an earnest smile. He glanced at the other’s saturated clothes.
“Come on,” he said, changing the subject as he gestured for Jun to follow. “You must be freezing.”
Still shivering despite being out of the rain, Jun followed Nino to his room. Nino rummaged through his bag for some clothes that would fit his friend. He pulled out Aiba’s spare shirt and a pair of slacks, sizing them up in his mind before handing them to Jun. He spun around again to give him privacy while he changed.
“I didn’t think I’d see you again, least of all tonight,” he remarked. Eyeing the muddy footprints and fallen leaves scattered near the door, he asked, “Why’d you come around the back anyway?”
“The front door was locked,” Jun replied.
Nino clicked his tongue. “Zakiyama.” Whether Yamazaki had done so deliberately in case Jun returned or if it was sheer coincidence was unknown to Nino.
Peering over his shoulder after a minute or two, Nino’s heart jumped into his throat. Jun had finished changing and was staring at Ohno’s sketchbook on the table. He cautiously flipped through the pages as Nino nervously approached him. He could read the anguish that was painted on the other’s face, something which increased tenfold when he reached their portraits. Something fell from the pages. Nino froze as Jun picked up the necklace. He threaded the chain in his fingers, his morose gaze fixed on the handheld puzzle that dangled from its end.
“I’m sorry, Kazu,” he whispered when Nino touched his arm. “I never considered how much you must be hurting too.”
Nino shook his head and carefully took the book back from him, his own gaze lingering on the portraits for longer than necessary. “I’m just sorry I had to tell you at all.”
“I’m glad you did,” Jun murmured. “It was something I needed to hear, even if I don’t want to believe it.”
Nino felt apprehensive about the dangerous turn in their conversation. Jun’s reaction last time the topic of their friends was brought up weighed on his mind. He was scared of forcing the younger into accepting the heavy burden before he could handle it.
“News like that…it’s hard to take in. If you’re not ready to know what happened-”
“I’m ready,” Jun said, a little too fast to be convincing.
Nino eyed him warily. “Are you sure?”
Jun nodded. “I know it won’t be easy, but I want to know.” He swallowed hard and held Nino’s gaze, his expression pleading. “I want to say goodbye.”
Nino’s chest tightened. Even if every fibre in his body was telling him to follow his protective instinct, he didn’t have the heart to deny him.
“Tomorrow then,” he declared.
Knowing they were both too physically and mentally exhausted to handle anything more that evening, Nino sat himself down on his futon and readied himself to call it a night. His stomach was churning too much for the prospect of food to even cross his mind; the only thing he wanted to do was sleep and forget the hardships this day had brought. Expecting Jun to leave, he was taken aback when the younger pulled the second futon from the cupboard and laid it on the floor. He didn’t say anything even as he settled himself down next to Nino. Nino didn’t say anything either, surprised but ultimately pleased to have his company.
As the exhaustion of the day caught up with him, Jun soon fell into deep slumber. Nino stared at his face, monitoring the parting of his lips and the slight flickering of his eyelids; he observed the way his expression changed from anxious to stoic before finally relaxing. Nino hoped Jun would not be plagued by nightmares like he had been, knowing what morning would bring would be nightmare enough. Holding onto hope that tomorrow would be better, he cast a final glance out the window at the tiny patch of starlight he could see peeking through the clouds and prayed his friends would watch over them.
Waking to warmth caressing his face, Nino stretched his neck back, delighting in the comforting feel of dawn. But while there was no denying the sensation heating his cheek came from the window above him, there was no explanation for the equally warm feeling enveloping his lower body. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and glanced down, stunned to discover an arm that did not belong to him draped over his waist. He spied over his shoulder at where Jun lay asleep beside him. He’d shuffled over from his futon at some point during the night and now rested halfway across Nino’s instead.
Carefully shifting himself out of his friend’s embrace, Nino sat up. He climbed to his feet and walked over to his bag. As he was pulling out a relatively clean shirt, the younger’s head jolted upright. Nino startled at the sudden movement. He waited quietly to see if Jun was properly awake; it took him a few minutes of yawning, face rubbing and laying back down as if going back to sleep for him to rouse. It wasn’t until he met Nino’s gaze that the latter knew with certainty that he was truly conscious.
“Morning,” Nino greeted him.
Jun echoed the sentiment with another yawn and took his time pulling himself upright. To Nino, it was a more familiar imagery than the wide-eyed, morning-enthusiastic Jun he saw yesterday. He allowed his friend to take all the time he needed to get ready, knowing the moment he was would be the moment they were both dreading.
When Jun glanced his way after fifteen minutes, Nino knew it was time. As they worked their way towards the stairs, he felt a nagging feeling of being watched. He cast a subtle glance over his shoulder and saw Yamazaki’s head partially peeking out from the doorway. Their eyes met for a brief moment and the latter’s cheekbones rose as if he was smiling, his gaze saying more than words ever could. Nino took refuge in the courage gifted to him and ventured out into the city.
Every step that brought them closer to their friends’ graves pulled the knot in Nino’s stomach tighter. He would give Jun’s hand a light squeeze every now and then to give them both the encouragement needed to keep going. Neither spoke until they reached the edge of the park. Jun’s steps slowed when he recognised the area where he and Aiba used to run of a morning. A feeling of alarm overcame him.
“Here?”
Looking totally rigid, Nino nodded. Jun’s eyes widened a little, a look of aghast marring his expression. Any words he thought to say got caught in his throat as a sour taste filled his mouth. Ignoring his better instincts, he continued to follow Nino’s lead. He regretted doing so when they came upon a row of stones amidst the greenery some minutes later. Too large and neatly aligned to be there by coincidence, Jun’s heart sank. His steps became heavy until he could bring himself to walk no closer.
His whole body was stiff yet trembling at the same time, his horrified gaze incapable of looking anywhere but the engravings carved into each stone. Though he had asked to come here, he couldn’t conceal the overwhelming wave of grief that hit him the moment he read their names. Tears stung his eyes. He was struggling to breathe as his chest became impossibly tight. He sunk to the grass when his legs gave out.
In his state of utter despair, he almost didn’t notice when Nino embraced him from behind. His arms coiled around Jun’s torso to hold him as close as possible. Jun choked on his own breath a few times when he endeavoured to speak.
“How?” he rasped.
Nino struggled to answer. The truth had already broken his friend and he feared pushing him beyond the point of recovery should he divulge the exact details. But he knew he had to say something.
“It was a game of babanuki that took Aiba-kun from us,” he said, choosing his words carefully.
Confusion flickered in Jun’s devastated gaze. “He lost?”
Nino shook his head. “He didn’t want us to suffer the pain and guilt of having to kill one of our friends, so he threw the game on purpose. He sacrificed himself to spare us that agony.”
His revelation brought about a new bout of grief that had Jun weeping even harder. He clenched his teeth and shut his eyes, his head dropping though it did nothing to ease his heartache.
As Nino was pondering if it wasn’t better to let the younger cope with the loss in what little ignorance he still had, Jun mumbled something. The words themselves were too muffled by tears to make much sense of, but Nino could comprehend their meaning nonetheless.
“You already know how Sho-chan…what happened that night,” he went on.
He decided to skim over the specifics of Sho’s grim demise to spare Jun further pain, but there was one detail he could not overlook. After all the doubt and conflict that occurred the last time the younger saw them all, and the accusation Nino made about Sho wanting to sacrifice Jun for the greater good, he felt it only right to ensure their friend was remembered for the noble person he was.
“The truth is he was a hero,” admitted Nino. “That night, I fell too. He could have pulled himself up and saved his own life, but he didn’t so that I wouldn’t lose my grip. He made sure me and Oh-chan had made it to safety before even trying to help himself.”
He could feel Jun trembling in his arms as his confession struck a chord. Nino wanted so badly to shield him from the gut-wrenching grief that was due to consume him whole, but he knew there was nothing he could do. He just held him tighter and let him cry.
“And Oh-chan?” Jun asked after a while, his voice shaking.
“I…I’m only alive because of him.” A tear dropped down Nino’s cheek. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he forced the confession out. “It was a game for the two of us, designed to pit us against one another. He should have easily won but he threw the match so that I could live.”
He could barely hold back his own grief at this point as the recount left him reeling, like he was reliving every one of their deaths. Jun wasn’t coping much better. His tears were unending, his expression overflowing with anguish as he battled both the grief of losing his friends and his guilt over not being there when it happened. Any and all conversation between the pair had perished by this point, not that Nino was too disappointed by this. The catch he could feel in his throat would have made it too much of a struggle to speak anyway and it was obvious Jun was in absolutely no state to do anything other than cry. Nino simply hugged him and did what he could to be strong enough for both of them.
He tried to distract himself from the heartbreaking sight of his shattered friend by looking to the graves instead. The flowers resting against each headstone were wilting, not that this was at all surprising. Nino hadn’t visited their final resting place in weeks; he hadn’t wanted to jeopardise his mission of finding and killing the game master and knew going anywhere near their graves would destroy him all over again.
Feeling his breathing hitch, Nino knew he was right not to come before now. He feared the mere sight of their deathbeds would send him spiralling into another depression and knew his fears were coming to light as he felt himself slipping into that dark abyss again the longer they remained in this place. His only solace was when he looked to the folded jacket that was resting on the grass beside the tombstones. Unlike the others, the small bouquet of primroses atop it had barely begun to wither. Their colour was still vibrant and they were holding much of their shape in spite of the recent rain, with only the very tips of the petals starting to curl. Nino gave a small, bittersweet smile at their permanence. Seeing them, alive even when surrounded by the other dying bouquets, he couldn’t help comparing their survival to that of the man they were meant for.
After leaving the hotel, Nino had made one final stop at the gravesite. It was at this time he left a token among the other burials as a last goodbye to Jun. It felt only right to offer something in lieu of having no physical body to sendoff. The coat was one he’d obtained during his shopping venture with Aiba and was the very one he’d been wearing when he came to Nino’s room that evening. Nino felt it was a fitting tribute to the younger, especially as he’d been unable to part with the necklace.
“We thought you were dead too,” he told him after he felt Jun’s breathing begin to even out. His expression was completely open when Jun glanced over his shoulder to meet his gaze. “We fell apart without you. Every day that you were gone was torture to us and not knowing what happened to you tore us apart.”
Tears that had been clinging to the edge of his lashes finally poured over as he confessed his pain in full. It was the least of his intentions to burden the younger with more guilt but just as he knew Jun had the right to know of their friends’ fates, he too had the right to know exactly how his absence had impacted them.
Nino startled when the body in his arms twisted around to face him before drawing him into an even tighter embrace.
“It was agony for me too,” Jun whispered.
When Nino raised his gaze, he saw a familiar pain shining in the younger’s eyes. It was the same look he himself wore whenever he contemplated his friend’s unknown fate in the weeks prior. Nino lay his head against Jun’s shoulder. A lifetime could have passed in the time they spent holding one another.
When they did eventually pull back, Nino used his sleeve to brush the tears from his face. Jun did the same, only to smile softly when he looked to the smaller guy. He reached up and wiped away the stray eyelash on Nino’s cheek. Nino smiled at the action. For the first time in so long, he felt no need to put his walls up. Yamazaki was right-in allowing himself to be open with Jun, he’d found the solace he direly needed. Jun was the calm in his emotional turbulence, the rock amidst the storm he’d battled for weeks. The fate of their friends may have left them broken but as the ashes cleared, they would help each other rebuild even stronger than before. Nino was certain of this.
The boys sat together in the park in reflective quiet. While their tears had ceased to fall an hour ago, the worst of their grief fading with the passage of time, neither felt ready to leave yet. Now facing away from the graves, Jun’s expression was wistful as he stared at the city. His hands unconsciously stroked the jacket Nino had given back to him. Even weatherworn and dusted with dirt and petals, Jun recognised the monochromatic coat with ease.
“It seemed only right to give you a sendoff too, and that was about the only thing you left behind,” Nino had told him.
Even now, Jun felt torn over how to react. He understood the motive behind his friend’s gesture and certainly appreciated the sentiment of his absence being mourned, but as he ran his thumb over the fabric, knowing all Nino had told him, he felt disturbed. It was like holding his own tombstone.
“You really thought I was dead too, huh?” Jun whispered after a while.
Beside him, Nino fiddled with the stem of the primrose he’d plucked from the bouquet. “What else were we supposed to think? We searched everywhere for you; we waited weeks but you never came back. All that was left was to assume the worst.”
He allowed the weight of his comment to settle in Jun’s mind, all the while waiting to see how he would react. After taking the chance and opening up with him about their friends, he could only hope the younger would return the favour and be honest with him now.
“What happened to you?”
Jun could feel Nino staring at him expectantly. His tongue felt like lead in his mouth knowing he could no longer delay the inevitable. The memories flowed like fallen leaves on a raging river, offering him fleeting glimpses of a period he’d tried so hard to put behind him. He remembered the pull inside him that first night. It was like a spring’s coil within him, each step that carried him from the hotel and his friends pulling it tighter until he was sure it would snap. He could still feel the numbness in his feet when he finally found a place to take refuge; it quickly spread through the rest of his body with the realisation that he was now alone. He recalled the tears that fell each night he spent in the grips of solitude and fear, the unknown of what he would do tearing at his heart while battling the urge to run back to his friends brought him to the edge of his sanity.
Jun sighed as he endeavoured to push past the unpleasant feelings, only to exhaust himself. “When I left you guys, I had no clue where to go or what I was doing. In fact, I was certain I’d sealed my fate by leaving. I eventually took shelter in this old gym. It was supposed to only be for the night but by morning, I realised if I was going to stand any chance at surviving on my own, I needed to become stronger. Fortunately, I was in the right place. Most of the equipment worked fine even without electricity, so I started to train.”
Despite remaining silent while he listened to the younger’s tale, Nino couldn’t help frowning. He recalled the weeks he and the others spent scouring the city for their missing friend; in the vaguest corner of his recollection, he remembered seeing a gym among the many streets they searched. It was about a half hour walk from their hotel and was kind of rundown, with mostly analogue machines and equipment. Neither he nor his friends had looked inside, writing it off as another random store.
“You were that close this whole time?” Nino’s voice was little more than a whisper but laced with a steely tone.
The younger didn’t reply, unsure what he could possibly say. He considered denying his intention of hiding from his friends but they would both know he was lying. It was the reason why he never went running again; he was too afraid of bumping into Aiba. He knew he wouldn’t be strong enough to resist going back should he encounter any of them-just as he had the night he found Nino-so he forced himself to stay away. The times he did venture out into the city were scarce. He spent his days training and only scavenged for necessities while the rest of the players were busy in the games. When his visa days ran low, he would trek for hours just to find an arena far from the hotel to avoid a chance encounter. It was drastic but he believed it necessary after coming so close to losing his friends.
“I couldn’t come back,” he finally broke his silence when he could no longer bear Nino’s glare burning into him.
The latter crossed his arms. “So you’ve said.”
“You can tell me you wanted me to stay all you like, but even I knew I was letting you down,” Jun snapped. “It was my failure in the five of hearts that almost got one of you killed. Oh-chan nearly died saving me. Aiba-chan risked his life to rescue me. I couldn’t risk any of you getting hurt again.”
His blood ran hot as a burst of sudden rage filled him. Recalling the reason why he hadn’t been there, knowing it had all been in vain, caused his anger to misdirect itself. He quickly lost the will to keep up the argument.
“Clearly you’re more capable than when you left,” said Nino. He took a deep breath as he did his best to restrain his scathing tone. “So why didn’t you come home? If you really believe you were holding us back, why not return once you were stronger?”
“I couldn’t.”
“Why? Because you replaced us with them?”
“It wasn’t like that,” Jun growled.
He held Nino’s gaze for a moment, a flicker of genuine anger aimed at him over the accusation before he sighed and looked away again. It wasn’t like he never thought about going back, though he knew he couldn’t tell his friend as much.
“About ten days after I left, I saw these people running through the street one morning. When I went outside to check, I realised they were racing, but like I’d never seen before. Nothing stood in their way; I watched them scale walls, leap buildings, all without breaking a sweat. They were fearless and I wanted in, so I followed them.”
As he spoke, Jun’s eyes shone with the same passionate light he’d gotten when he first laid eyes on the troupe. He’d felt a rush of adrenaline simply by watching. Without thinking, he’d run after them. Keeping pace was nearly impossible and on more than one occasion, he lost sight of them. It was only due to their theatrics that he managed to find them again. He trailed them for a good twenty minutes before they finally stopped at neighbourhood playground. The nine members were scattered across the colourful equipment, playing like a bunch of oversized children.
“They didn’t exactly welcome me with open arms,” Jun continued his tale. “Most in the group were recruited after proving themselves in the games, so naturally they weren’t too pleased about me showing up out of the blue.”
He sighed deeply as the memory came rushing back. When he approached the playground, eyes wide with wonder, reality slapped him in the face soon enough. His attempt to introduce himself fell on deaf ears as several members taunted his interest in joining. Some were polite enough to point out that the decision of his potential membership did not lie with them, though such comments were usually met with disparaging remarks about how they shouldn’t waste Okada’s time with a candidate like him.
Jun’s fingers trailed up his calf, tracing the burns. “They took one look at me and my scars and wrote me off as some weakling. Only Okada-sempai was willing to give me a shot.”
“What’s the deal with that guy anyway?” Nino asked. Even now, he felt unnerved by the older man’s aura.
“He was an expert traceur and martial arts instructor in the old world,” Jun explained. “He taught us everything we know.”
Nino furrowed his brows. “Why go to the trouble of teaching a bunch of strangers how to climb walls and the like?”
“He’s a teacher-it’s only natural for him to miss passing on his skills to students,” Jun pointed out. “And it’s far more than just climbing walls. It’s about overcoming obstacles, internal and external, and how sheer willpower can conquer anything. Without the skills he taught me, I wouldn’t have stood a chance in many of the games. He’s saved my life in more ways than one. The rest of the troupe told me to get lost when I first found them, but Okada-sempai said since I’d gone to the trouble of following them all the way there, he would let me participate in an initiation challenge and would teach me everything if I won.”
“Just like he did with me yesterday,” Nino murmured. When Jun nodded, he decided to slake his own curiosity by asking, “Does that mean you actually tagged someone?”
There was a flicker of doubt in Jun’s gaze, as if he was unsure whether to answer, but then he cocked his head thoughtfully. “Not exactly.”
“Meaning?”
“I nearly caught Toma,” said Jun. Clicking his tongue, he added, “Actually, I’m sure I did tag him, even if the official ruling was that I missed.” He sighed as he caught himself digressing over an old contention and focused himself back on Nino’s line of questioning. “But no. No one ever catches anyone during initiation.”
“If that’s true, then how did you win? How does anyone win?” Nino asked.
“It’s not about winning,” Jun answered. “Okada-sempai watches our performance and if he sees potential, he’ll take you under his wing. I failed the challenge but impressed Okada-sempai, and swore to myself that I wouldn’t let that opportunity go to waste. I pushed myself harder than I ever thought possible and over time, I convinced everyone else that I deserved to be there as much as they did.”
Jun’s eyes shone proudly as he recalled the moment he proved himself. Weeks of blood, sweat and tears had gone into his fight to earn his place within the group. He’d subsequently earned the respect and friendship of his fellow members, despite there still being times when they would accuse him of favouritism from Okada. Even after yesterday’s training, some of the others had alleged the hour wasn’t up before he pulled Nino from the building and the only reason he hadn’t lost his placement was because Okada was still treating him with kid gloves. He proved them wrong by showing them up for the rest of training. He may have been given more chances than the others initially but he had since surpassed most of them in terms of sheer skill.
“I gave everything to my training,” Jun told his friend. “When I wasn’t with the troupe, I was in that gym. When I wasn’t there, I was in the games, all so that one day I could return and make you guys proud. I could feel myself getting stronger every day but no matter how much progress I made, my fears remained. It felt like if I was to go back, everything I learned would fail me. I was scared nothing I could do would be enough to save you…which is exactly why I had to leave in the first place, even if it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Nino shook his head. “We never wanted you to go-”
“I know,” Jun cut off his attempt to explain himself. “You just wanted to protect me, and you were right. I was a burden. I let you all down and you had every reason to resent me for it. Even I resented me.”
He paused, exhaling deeply as he felt his emotions begin to slip from his control. He gave himself a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing.
“Okada-sempai believed in me when no one else did,” he said. “He helped me achieve my true potential and I owe him everything for that.”
The level of awe and respect in Jun’s voice took Nino by surprise. Discomfort prickled in the latter’s chest, a combination of guilt and longing causing an unsettling sensation to bury itself deep in his abdomen.
“Sounds like you really care about him.”
“I care about all of them,” Jun told him. “We may have gotten off to a rough start, but they’re my friends.”
Nino’s expression fell heavy. His lips pursed in a pout while his despondent gaze turned downcast. Jun noticed and experienced his own distressing sensation. He gazed over his shoulder at the tombstones. The volume of his voice dropped back somewhat as he allowed the full extent of his emotion to come through in his next words.
“But no matter how much I care for them, they will never replace what you guys mean to me. You’re my family, my life. Without you four, I’m nothing.”
He stared at Nino, his gaze intense yet sincere as he pleaded for the shorter guy to believe him. His declaration struck a chord with Nino and his bitterness wavered. As much as he wished to hold onto his resentment towards Jun for everything he put them through, there was no helping the way his annoyance was replaced by a wistfulness that was both heartbreaking and comforting.
A relieved smile appeared on Jun’s face when he saw Nino’s expression soften as he accepted the reassurance given to him. But his relief was fleeting. Tears pricked the corners of Jun’s eyes when he looked to the graves yet again. A catch formed in his throat as he reflected on his confessed fears and realised how foolish he was.
“I’ll never forgive myself for not being there,” he whimpered.
The guilt of not being with his friends at their end was something he knew would weigh on him forever. He’d allowed his fears to selfishly control him and now he would never know if there was more he could have done to prevent their deaths.
“I’m glad you weren’t.”
Nino pushed aside the unpleasant feeling as the words left his mouth. Ignoring the disbelieving look Jun sent him was much harder, but he refused to let it sway him from his line of reasoning.
“As much as I want to believe otherwise, you being there wouldn’t have changed things,” Nino told him. “One of us still would have lost in babanuki; we’d have still run out of time while crossing that beam, and we would’ve still been pitted against each other in the two of hearts.” He shut his eyes in a moment of private anguish before speaking again. “If anything, I’d have probably lost you too.”
Soft tears trickled down Jun’s cheeks as he allowed what Nino said to sink in. Frightened by the thought of losing them should he return and guilt-ridden over losing them by not being there, he hadn’t considered the possibility of himself dying with them. While he wanted nothing more than to deny his friend’s argument that there was nothing he could have done to save them, he couldn’t. From what he knew of their passing, death was an inevitable outcome for at least one of them in every situation, exactly as Nino claimed. It didn’t lessen his guilt to know he had survived by leaving his best friends, but knowing Nino didn’t blame him made it a burden slightly more bearable.
Nino’s heart broke seeing the hurt that tarnished the younger’s expression. While he knew he had gotten through to him to some extent, he also knew it would do little to relinquish the survivor’s guilt that was coursing through him. He squeezed the stem of the primrose.
“They never forgot you, you know,” he said quietly, hoping to put Jun’s troubled thoughts at ease. “Even when you weren’t with us, you were always in our hearts. You saw the tribute Oh-chan made you, and Sho-chan never stopped trying to protect the rest of us to make up for the fact that he failed you.” A bittersweet smile tugged at Nino’s lips as he recalled a conversation riddled with unbridled albeit infuriating optimism. “Maybe we should have been more like Aiba-chan. He never gave up hope that you were still out there somewhere and that one day you’d come home to us.”
After a moment of hesitation, he gingerly held out the primrose in offering. He kept Jun’s gaze as he waited for the younger to take it. Jun stared at the flower with tear-glazed eyes. He slowly took it. His gaze was fixed on the purple petals while he twirled the stalk between his fingers. Though still a little unsettled by the death tribute, he was touched to receive the flower from his friend. It wasn’t just a reminder of Nino’s tribute to him; it was a reaffirmation that he too was alive.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come home sooner,” Jun murmured.
Spotting a small flicker of purple amongst the monochromatic mound resting on his lap, he unfolded the material and plucked a second primrose from the creases of his jacket. He smiled down at the somewhat flattened flower and handed it to Nino. The latter was taken aback by the gesture at first but as he stared into Jun’s eyes, he saw the very same message he himself had hoped to convey shining in his emotive gaze.
With matching flowers cradled in their adjoined hands, the pair watched as the clouds parted to reveal a rejuvenating patch of blue sky.