A LETTER TO BELL SOUTH. FOR YOUR PERUSAL.
This is a copy of a letter that I'm mailing to Bell South tomorrow, in regards to a big-ass phone bill they sent me.
Mathew Schnake
507 Magnolia Street
Gulfport MS, 39507
To Whom It May Concern,
This is in regards to the enclosed bill for account number 228-604-4049. I had planned to turn this account back on, but since then, I have discovered I have no use for a home line. It really is quite miraculous the way a cell phone frees you from the tether of a cord connecting you to a wall, thus imprisoning you to a confined space. All hail the inventors of cellular technology! But that is neither here nor there, for now. Let’s stick to the subject.
I am in a financial situation that will not allow me to pay this entire amount all at once. In fact, it’s all I can physically stand to keep from laughing hysterically at the inexplicable way in which your service continues to financially skull-fuck an unsuspecting public on a regular basis. However, that being said, I am a man who likes to settle his debts. So, in the interest of not handing the future of my credit on a silver platter for you to rape and pillage, I will be mailing you a check for fifty (50) dollars each month. I will not be turning the phone back on, so this is basically working on the “better late than never” policy. But, I’m sure you people deal with the “never” so often that you’re eager to get the “late”, since money talks, and....well, you know the rest.
In short, I’m only doing this because it’s what the voices in my head tell me is in my best interests. So, if the amount specified is not adequate, please contact me at my cell-phone number (you know, the type of phones that WILL be around in 10 years?)...it is 424-8501.
Thank you and say hello to the shattered remnants of your conscience for putting me in such a debt-ridden purgatory.
Intestinally yours,
Mathew Schnake
Mathew Schnake
507 Magnolia Street
Gulfport MS, 39507
To Whom It May Concern,
This is in regards to the enclosed bill for account number 228-604-4049. I had planned to turn this account back on, but since then, I have discovered I have no use for a home line. It really is quite miraculous the way a cell phone frees you from the tether of a cord connecting you to a wall, thus imprisoning you to a confined space. All hail the inventors of cellular technology! But that is neither here nor there, for now. Let’s stick to the subject.
I am in a financial situation that will not allow me to pay this entire amount all at once. In fact, it’s all I can physically stand to keep from laughing hysterically at the inexplicable way in which your service continues to financially skull-fuck an unsuspecting public on a regular basis. However, that being said, I am a man who likes to settle his debts. So, in the interest of not handing the future of my credit on a silver platter for you to rape and pillage, I will be mailing you a check for fifty (50) dollars each month. I will not be turning the phone back on, so this is basically working on the “better late than never” policy. But, I’m sure you people deal with the “never” so often that you’re eager to get the “late”, since money talks, and....well, you know the rest.
In short, I’m only doing this because it’s what the voices in my head tell me is in my best interests. So, if the amount specified is not adequate, please contact me at my cell-phone number (you know, the type of phones that WILL be around in 10 years?)...it is 424-8501.
Thank you and say hello to the shattered remnants of your conscience for putting me in such a debt-ridden purgatory.
Intestinally yours,
Mathew Schnake