These Days
I named this journal after a song that's currently playing on my phone, by the Black Keys. I downloaded it awhile ago, takes some listening to decipher what really sticks with you. Hmmm ...not so like life .....or anything for that matter.
I'm kind of forcing myself to write a journal. It's been quite awhile since I have. I do think of it, but really I don't know how to express the way I am anymore. Nothing does it justice.
Recently I was degraded and told I needed a therapist. Something I've considered since I was 15. I've been on meds and not found them effective. I've seen people and not found them too effective, plus I'm disregarded EVERYTIME. I am too logical and rational about what is wrong. I don't cry and I know I won't kill myself, and I certainly wouldn't want to go down that path in life. The help I need costs money. No one is willing to work out your pathological responses to social irrational behaviors and discontent with the general state of the world, because naturally everyone has problems. You want sympathy, you pay for it. Otherwise free therapy is just to pacify you. Keep you from causing problems for everyone else. Take these pills and stay quiet, stop worrying everyone, they have things to do. I've been tested for chemical imbalance and I passed, or failed, depending on what you're looking for.
So I'm in Quebec. Why? Not really sure. I think I felt that way before I came here, but I'd already made plans and honestly after the week, getting away was a nice idea. I am not having a bad time here. Honestly they are very nice to me. By this point though I worry about the conversations behind closed doors. Thus why I'm leaving a day earlier than previously discussed. Most of the time I've been here I haven't really done anything. We've been out for a couple meals, went to a movie, a gathering or two, helping renovations and work, but mostly just trying to keep myself occupied and not seem bored. I mean I could be bored at home, lol. I originally planned on starting up on my book again. Brought it with my on a stick. Sadly I have not done this. Instead, I've gained a few pounds, and bought shorts that are way too small for me. Oh and my friend Vanessa got in touch with me again (it's been awhile), she lives far away now. She's in Ontario, but two hours away from Winnipeg. She put me in touch with a friend of hers there, because she thinks we'd be good together, lol. The girl seems cool, but I don't know ....She wants me to visit in the summer, so here's something to assure I come, lol.
My problem is very simple. I don't know what direction to move. My mind goes all over the place, and being safe discounts all theories or plans. The future is foggy. This has been an ongoing problem since becoming an adult. No matter what I have survived in some way or another, things will be okay. I just have no focus or purpose, therefore I tire from day to day monotony. The state of my life right now has a shelf life, I do not wish to be a victim of circumstance. And yes, I need confidence. I am a capable being and I'm worthy, and all my problems are solvable in some way. It doesn't stop everything around me from being scary though.
HaTeRz Gunna HATE!!!
I'm kind of forcing myself to write a journal. It's been quite awhile since I have. I do think of it, but really I don't know how to express the way I am anymore. Nothing does it justice.
Recently I was degraded and told I needed a therapist. Something I've considered since I was 15. I've been on meds and not found them effective. I've seen people and not found them too effective, plus I'm disregarded EVERYTIME. I am too logical and rational about what is wrong. I don't cry and I know I won't kill myself, and I certainly wouldn't want to go down that path in life. The help I need costs money. No one is willing to work out your pathological responses to social irrational behaviors and discontent with the general state of the world, because naturally everyone has problems. You want sympathy, you pay for it. Otherwise free therapy is just to pacify you. Keep you from causing problems for everyone else. Take these pills and stay quiet, stop worrying everyone, they have things to do. I've been tested for chemical imbalance and I passed, or failed, depending on what you're looking for.
So I'm in Quebec. Why? Not really sure. I think I felt that way before I came here, but I'd already made plans and honestly after the week, getting away was a nice idea. I am not having a bad time here. Honestly they are very nice to me. By this point though I worry about the conversations behind closed doors. Thus why I'm leaving a day earlier than previously discussed. Most of the time I've been here I haven't really done anything. We've been out for a couple meals, went to a movie, a gathering or two, helping renovations and work, but mostly just trying to keep myself occupied and not seem bored. I mean I could be bored at home, lol. I originally planned on starting up on my book again. Brought it with my on a stick. Sadly I have not done this. Instead, I've gained a few pounds, and bought shorts that are way too small for me. Oh and my friend Vanessa got in touch with me again (it's been awhile), she lives far away now. She's in Ontario, but two hours away from Winnipeg. She put me in touch with a friend of hers there, because she thinks we'd be good together, lol. The girl seems cool, but I don't know ....She wants me to visit in the summer, so here's something to assure I come, lol.
My problem is very simple. I don't know what direction to move. My mind goes all over the place, and being safe discounts all theories or plans. The future is foggy. This has been an ongoing problem since becoming an adult. No matter what I have survived in some way or another, things will be okay. I just have no focus or purpose, therefore I tire from day to day monotony. The state of my life right now has a shelf life, I do not wish to be a victim of circumstance. And yes, I need confidence. I am a capable being and I'm worthy, and all my problems are solvable in some way. It doesn't stop everything around me from being scary though.
HaTeRz Gunna HATE!!!