A Rough Month
From June to about mid-July it’s a pretty rough month for me.
Dad passed away June 9th, it’s father’s day a week or so later, and his birthday is July 8th. It’s a ROUGH month. People just don’t understand. I’m glad I’m liked well enough that I’m missed, don’t get me wrong, but just … UNDERSTAND … It’s a ROUGH fucking month! I don’t want to be social. I don’t want to be chipper. I don’t want to be bothered god damn it. Every whiny little text you send me is only sending me deeper over the edge, so just BACK OFF like I’ve asked you many times. Geezus.
Have I mentioned how rough it is? Yeah.
Two years ago my whole world changed when my dad died. For two years now, I have done very little ‘living’. Deep down I know it’s wrong of me. That my dad wouldn’t want me to be like this, that he worked so hard to give us all the best in life and that we should ENJOY that life before ours too is gone. I know this deep down, I really do… and yet … it’s so damn hard.
I really need to do it though. I am sure my dad is looking down on me and is so heartbroken that his death has caused me to become a complete and utter recluse. That I hate doing anything anymore. That I don’t do anything that once gave me joy. That I push and push people away until they finally throw their hands up and say, “Fine. I’ll go away.”
I need to get back to the world of living, but I really don’t even know how. I don’t know how to truly enjoy a vacation without my dad. All our vacations were family ones and now whenever we travel just us, it’s so difficult not to miss his presence so damn much, so we haven’t really done many ‘family’ vacations in the last two years. Hell, even something as simple as going shopping is hard. To get him and my mom out of the house from time to time I’d just show up and demand we all go shopping or to a park… little things that now feel so painful without him. Things that even though he grumbled, he loved.
I know I should continue to do those things. That he is STILL with us, even if he’s not here physically. But the pang in my chest is so heavy and painful. How do I push past it? How do I relearn to live? How do I show him I still miss him every single day, but that I’m still also living the life he would have wanted for us?
I have always struggled with ‘balance’ and it’s either one way or another… never some middle ground. That is probably the worst possible personality trait to have when grieving. It really is.
Last few days I’ve been really thinking a lot about this. That I seriously need to punch myself in the goddamn face and work on pushing past the grief to get back to the land of the living and start to enjoy life again.
I have no idea where to start, but I figured putting this post here was a good way. A good first step to get it out of me and somewhere in the world. A contract of sort. A promise. A hope. A whisper of good things to come for me, and to be HAPPY about those good things and not turn away from them.