All Over the Emotional Spectrum
Work
Lorraine is out on vacation this week and half of next week. She’s going to be gone a lot the next couple of months because she has about 40 vacation days and she needs to get it down to 20 … yeah, it’s insanity. As much as I love her, people tend to hang out here when we’re both in the office and try to pull us into conversation (which as an introvert I hate with a passion). But whenever one of us is out, people tend to stick to their offices and rarely come out here to chitterchatter. Which I love. So while I miss her, this quiet week is definitely coming in handy.
A few others are out that usually bug me, so it really is a NICE week. I am hoping to get in some writing in-between work that comes across my desk.
I almost called out today myself, but I forced myself out of bed and told myself it was the perfect week to get in a few chapters since it would be slow. Plus, I am down to two sick days and I’d like those to roll over into my bank at the end of June so I can start to save up again (since being on leave last year ate all of it up).
Cruise Planning
In other, more exciting news, we are planning a cruise. By ‘WE’ I mean all the youngin’s. So my two brothers, Trisha, Diane and her husband, our mutual friends Mike, Alex and Nick plus Trisha’s cousin Bruno and his wife Bianca (who I am also good friends with…. My brother dated Trisha for 15 years, I got to be close with her side of the family too LOL). I am super excited for this because we’re all a little crazy and I think a cruise with all of us will be a blast. We’re hoping to go THIS year (November) cuz a few of the couples are trying to get pregnant next year so they want to do a last ‘no kids’ type of group vacation lol. I have already been looking at rooms because I am definitely bunking alone. I want a zen place for ‘after’ the social activity all day long LOL.
I’m sure I’ll post more as details become firmer and we actually book the thing (probably soonish as we're looking at the first or second week of November since we’re trying to avoid Thanksgiving week).
Writing
Wrote a whole chapter last night. It’s shit, but I found that my hardest part is getting started. So I wrote gibberish just to then go back and actually work on it and then once over that hump usually stuff flows. So I’ll be working on editing that first chapter today and hopefully starting the second.
I have to write in chronological order. I don’t know how people write future chapters and then bounce around. I find it difficult to mold the chapters together when I do that. I can write ‘small’ scenes to go INTO a chapter, but never a full chapter out of place lol. So this might be slow going at first.
Dad
Been thinking a lot about him lately. June 9th marks one year since his passing. It’s still so hard to believe. I was replying to a comment a friend left on here and it just brought back all these memories of his last few months which were so hard. I don’t think any of us slept more than 3 hours if that. He just needed 24/7 care because he himself barely slept, he was always in so much pain. I always had night watch and it got really lonely near the end because by then dad would just talk quietly to himself and he would say things all disjointed. He started calling me Gloria (which is not my name, but I knew he was calling me to him).
One night, about a week before he passed away, he was in his right mind and I was lying down beside him, holding his hand and crying quietly because I was thinking “When am I going to ever hold these hands again?”. I was just listening to him breathing and he placed his other hand on top of my head and in a very broken way asked (like he had read my mind), “When will we meet again, my sweet daughter?” (Sounds different in Portuguese, the language he said it in). I broke down in tears (and am now). But that question haunts me. It is something I ask EVERY day … I want to see him SO bad. Hold his hands again. Kiss his face… talk with him, laugh with him and just be in his presence. I whispered so softly back, “I don’t know Daddy…. But I hope soon.” I think he knew then his time was coming but we were all so hopeful still.
Hope can be evil sometimes (and wonderful, but evil sometimes). To the very last day he was with us, we had hope that the nurses and doctors were lying and that he was going to be okay. That he was going to go recover. Miracles do not happen though, and deep down I had known for months. There were many days when the reality of the situation hit me hard and I’d have to leave the house so I could just wail and no one would hear me. Seven and a half months. We watched someone we love with all hearts crumble into a person we barely recognized… a shell of his former self and it was the most difficult, soul crushing, heart tearing experience of my life and I wouldn’t ever wish it on our worst enemy.
Ugh. I need to stop crying, so yeah. Let me end this on a more positive note with a thankful for.
Today I am thankful for
Lorraine is out on vacation this week and half of next week. She’s going to be gone a lot the next couple of months because she has about 40 vacation days and she needs to get it down to 20 … yeah, it’s insanity. As much as I love her, people tend to hang out here when we’re both in the office and try to pull us into conversation (which as an introvert I hate with a passion). But whenever one of us is out, people tend to stick to their offices and rarely come out here to chitterchatter. Which I love. So while I miss her, this quiet week is definitely coming in handy.
A few others are out that usually bug me, so it really is a NICE week. I am hoping to get in some writing in-between work that comes across my desk.
I almost called out today myself, but I forced myself out of bed and told myself it was the perfect week to get in a few chapters since it would be slow. Plus, I am down to two sick days and I’d like those to roll over into my bank at the end of June so I can start to save up again (since being on leave last year ate all of it up).
Cruise Planning
In other, more exciting news, we are planning a cruise. By ‘WE’ I mean all the youngin’s. So my two brothers, Trisha, Diane and her husband, our mutual friends Mike, Alex and Nick plus Trisha’s cousin Bruno and his wife Bianca (who I am also good friends with…. My brother dated Trisha for 15 years, I got to be close with her side of the family too LOL). I am super excited for this because we’re all a little crazy and I think a cruise with all of us will be a blast. We’re hoping to go THIS year (November) cuz a few of the couples are trying to get pregnant next year so they want to do a last ‘no kids’ type of group vacation lol. I have already been looking at rooms because I am definitely bunking alone. I want a zen place for ‘after’ the social activity all day long LOL.
I’m sure I’ll post more as details become firmer and we actually book the thing (probably soonish as we're looking at the first or second week of November since we’re trying to avoid Thanksgiving week).
Writing
Wrote a whole chapter last night. It’s shit, but I found that my hardest part is getting started. So I wrote gibberish just to then go back and actually work on it and then once over that hump usually stuff flows. So I’ll be working on editing that first chapter today and hopefully starting the second.
I have to write in chronological order. I don’t know how people write future chapters and then bounce around. I find it difficult to mold the chapters together when I do that. I can write ‘small’ scenes to go INTO a chapter, but never a full chapter out of place lol. So this might be slow going at first.
Dad
Been thinking a lot about him lately. June 9th marks one year since his passing. It’s still so hard to believe. I was replying to a comment a friend left on here and it just brought back all these memories of his last few months which were so hard. I don’t think any of us slept more than 3 hours if that. He just needed 24/7 care because he himself barely slept, he was always in so much pain. I always had night watch and it got really lonely near the end because by then dad would just talk quietly to himself and he would say things all disjointed. He started calling me Gloria (which is not my name, but I knew he was calling me to him).
One night, about a week before he passed away, he was in his right mind and I was lying down beside him, holding his hand and crying quietly because I was thinking “When am I going to ever hold these hands again?”. I was just listening to him breathing and he placed his other hand on top of my head and in a very broken way asked (like he had read my mind), “When will we meet again, my sweet daughter?” (Sounds different in Portuguese, the language he said it in). I broke down in tears (and am now). But that question haunts me. It is something I ask EVERY day … I want to see him SO bad. Hold his hands again. Kiss his face… talk with him, laugh with him and just be in his presence. I whispered so softly back, “I don’t know Daddy…. But I hope soon.” I think he knew then his time was coming but we were all so hopeful still.
Hope can be evil sometimes (and wonderful, but evil sometimes). To the very last day he was with us, we had hope that the nurses and doctors were lying and that he was going to be okay. That he was going to go recover. Miracles do not happen though, and deep down I had known for months. There were many days when the reality of the situation hit me hard and I’d have to leave the house so I could just wail and no one would hear me. Seven and a half months. We watched someone we love with all hearts crumble into a person we barely recognized… a shell of his former self and it was the most difficult, soul crushing, heart tearing experience of my life and I wouldn’t ever wish it on our worst enemy.
Ugh. I need to stop crying, so yeah. Let me end this on a more positive note with a thankful for.
Today I am thankful for
- Family and Friends - who have helped so much this past year.
- My dad - for giving me everything to live for.
- Writing - Finally focused enough to work on something that I want to publish (for my dad).
- Quiet work week.
- Brandon - Been there for me so much this last year.
- Dreary/rainy weather - totally matching my mood, which I like (and I do love rain :P).
- My new tablet arrives today - yay for new technology to play with!
- Being thanked for helping someone with a non-work-related/personal-related task.
- Kindness of others.