Babies, Weather, Missing Dad, Questionnaire Part Deux
My friend Ava is having a baby girl at the end of this month. I spent a little too much on baby clothes for her wee one, hahah. It’s not my fault! Baby girls have the CUTEST outfits available for them. Plus, found some good deals so I just kept adding and then felt bad about taking stuff off… ha! I’m excited for her. This is her second child. She has a boy that’s 2 (will be 3 in March). I won’t be able to go to the shower, so giving the gift to Trisha who will bring it (Trisha is Ava’s sis-in-law).
I was just reminded that I have plans with my coworker friends on Sunday and I am really not feeling up to it. Sundays are my off-limits days, but we’ve been trying to plan a lunch/dinner date for almost six months now and everyone’s schedules are just all over the place … so I really don’t want to cancel. Plus, we four always have a blast when we get together (we almost got kicked out of VIP rofl-we were just a tad rowdy that day). I am hoping it’s nice on Sunday so that afterward I can go to the reservoir and snap some photos of the foliage (if not, I’ll go next weekend).
It’s finally been cold long enough that we took our AC’s out of the windows last night. I love this autumn weather. It’s chilly enough to only need a thick blanket to curl up under and not need the heat on. I’m a little worried about this year’s winter though. They’re predicting a pretty bad one, and for once I don’t want that. Usually I love bad winters because work closes on storm days, but this year I just don’t want to deal with all the clean-up that will be required if it is. I don’t mind a little snow (especially the first few snow falls) because it’s just so peaceful and serene… but after a while it gets annoying too.
Earlier I texted my brothers (and mom), “Love you guys <3”. I’m not big on using the L word. It’s one of my biggest regrets with my dad.
I mean I know that he knew I loved him very much … that isn’t a doubt. But at the same time, I still wish I’d said it a lot more to him. My dad was just like me and rarely said the L word. He said it a lot more in his final days, but … it’s something I turn over in my CRAZY brain every day… that I should have said it more. His second-to-last night alive he was suffering a lot and making a lot of groaning noises. I had NO idea it was his second-to-last night with us. I had no clue he’d be gone in two days. I was up with him the whole night and I was just so tired that the day before he passed I spent so much of it in bed/sleeping while my mom/Dan watched him. I regret that too. I wish I’d spent every moment with him but I had NO idea. I wish I’d know the exact time/day because I would have spent every second by his side, telling him how much I loved him.
See, this is the kind of stuff that haunts me. I think about his last day. All of us on the bed with him, around him. Telling him we loved him so much and it was okay to let go (by the day he passed he was completely out of it and not speaking/seeing us. They pumped him full of morphine and it was really quick in the end … like literally two nights before he was talking to me and then 24 hours later nothing, no sign he could hear us, etc but Id like to believe he heard everything we said to him).
For six months before he passed away, I’d spend every single night alone with him (mom or bros would stay with him during the day). He didn’t sleep much and would be up all night. Usually he’d talk to himself. Near the very end, he kept calling me “Gloria”, which I’d just respond to. One night close to his passing, he was actually calm in bed and I lay beside him and just listened to his breathing and he reached over and put his hand on my head and said (in Portuguese so loses a little in translation), “My dearest Marcy (my name in Portuguese is pronounced mar-cee-a), when we will find each other again?” He sounded so broken that it killed me inside. To this day it still kills me inside. As I write this I can’t stop the tears … because THIS … this very thing is ALWAYS on my mind.
WHEN will I see my dad again? WILL I see my dad again? Deep down I really hope so and want to BELIEVE I will … but no one ever ‘comes back’ and tells us for sure. As much ‘faith’ as I have, I have always been one to question things I cannot see, so a part of me is afraid I never will and that breaks my heart.
Ugh. I have to stop because I am full blown crying right now .
Not to end on that massively depressing note … today is just absolutely beautiful. Have I mentioned how much I adore Autumn? I might have to take my actual DLSR to take pictures this weekend (or next) for way better pictures than my cell… :D
And insted of making a whole new post, another cut with PART TWO of those questions from the questionnaire.
15. How would you describe your childhood in general? Wonderful. We didn’t have the name brand clothes, my barbies were from the dollar store, but we had so much love and were so cherished growing up. I wouldn’t change anything about my childhood.
16. What is your earliest memory? I think I’m 5 or 6 and my dad is out washing beat up used Oldsmobile (an ugly yellow color that car was lol) … and I’m sitting on the driveway in this tiny little chair my parents apparently trekked all over to find (they later told me this). Every once in a while he’d spray the hose up and toward the sun which would create a beautiful rainbow and I remember laughing/smiling with such happiness, I can still see the huge smile on his face seeing me so happy over something as simple that. It’s a memory that will never leave me.
17. How much schooling have you had? I’m a junior in college (BA). I was finishing up when my dad became very sick two and a half years ago. I took time off to help out, etc. I don’t know if I’ll go back. I mean I am so close, but I dunno. Might help to distract me if I had school. Still thinking about it.
18. Did you enjoy school? You’ll quickly find I am a huge nerd. I love school. I love learning. I am/was a history major and history is one of my biggest passions (Ancient history especially). I could get lost in the past for hours, just imagining what it was like, etc. So yeah… love school.
19. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? Uh … naturally I guess. Sure, school has given me knowledge (to read, understand, etc) … but my creativity is all me. I did learn being responsible, planning and patience from my parents. I suck at multitasking. If I have multiple projects, I have to start one …finish it…then move on. Often people approach me as I am working on something and I admit I totally zone out half the time unless it is important to my work. It’s bad Lol.
20. While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. Not really. Not in the sense I think this question is asking. I never really idolized actors/actresses or important people in the world. I did want to make my parents proud, so I worked my ass off to get good grades, worked as soon as I could so I could help them out by buying my own clothes/items … but never really thought … “Man, I really wanna be like Thor!” :P
21. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? Siblings are siblings … we definitely had our blow outs and fights (and for the longest time I held something over my baby brother’s head so he would do my every bidding threatening to ‘tell mom and dad if he didn’t - yeah I was evil ): … ) but in the end. I went through my rebellion phase where I hated everyone, but I pretty much always got along with my family.
22. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher. Yeah, nerd told ya. Then I found out all that it entails to become one and yeah… I’m happy doing my job and being behind the scenes lol.
23. As a child, what were your favorite activities? Reading was def #1. My cousins always made fun of me because whenever I’d go visit them I’d have 3-4 books with me (just for the weekend). I read SO much when I was younger (kind of miss it). I did like the usual stuff too like hide-and-seek, red rover, coloring, running (loved running), playing X-Men with my brothers (I was always storm rofl) … etc.
24. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? I was definitely a lot more outgoing when I was younger (then the real world crushed my spirit / rofl!). I was also shy, but only until I got to know people, then couldn’t shut me up. I was the oldest so I learned responsibility very young as I was often in charge of caring for my brothers. They were definitely more carefree than I was.
25. As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? Elementary yeah. But I think everyone is popular in elementary lol. Middle school I started to become more antisocial/introverted and by High School I had my close niche of friends (6 girls I am still friends with today) and it was enough. I look back now and I remember hearing about parties and feeling like I was missing out, but in truth, I have wonderful memories with my friends. They were a lot like me … shy, totally into school/activities, not exactly ‘nerds’, but not jocks or ‘cool chicks’ either. All the groups talked to us if they saw us, but we just weren’t a part of their cliques.
26. When and with whom was your first kiss? Oh man … flash back to spicy breath here. LOL I was 17 and my best friend at time met a guy who had a ‘friend’ and she needed me to pick her up so her mom thought we were together. So I had to go with her to meet this dude in some creepy park and he brought his friend (who I admit was cute). My best friend was immediately locking lips with her dude which was pretty awkward for me and this stranger guy, so we kind of walked off and talked for a bit and I have no idea how it happened but he laid one on me and we just made out for about half an hour. I don’t know WHAT he ate tho, cuz everything about that kiss was spicy rofl (which oddly wasn’t awful just very weird).
27. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? Dayum, personal much? ROFL. No … I am not a virgin. I did NOT lose it to spicy breath. I actually lost it to my very first real boyfriend ever at 21. I was with him for about 5 years. It wasn’t a good relationship and I don’t really talk about it (he was emotionally abusive and near the end got violent once which made me finally leave the bastard).
28. If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today. As much as I love the supernatural (and read/write about it), I am not. I remember my vampire phase though, where I would BEG (to the air around me rofl), for a vampire to turn me. Yeah … I’m psycho, I know.
Longest entry ever ... apologies. Cuts are my friend tho!
I was just reminded that I have plans with my coworker friends on Sunday and I am really not feeling up to it. Sundays are my off-limits days, but we’ve been trying to plan a lunch/dinner date for almost six months now and everyone’s schedules are just all over the place … so I really don’t want to cancel. Plus, we four always have a blast when we get together (we almost got kicked out of VIP rofl-we were just a tad rowdy that day). I am hoping it’s nice on Sunday so that afterward I can go to the reservoir and snap some photos of the foliage (if not, I’ll go next weekend).
It’s finally been cold long enough that we took our AC’s out of the windows last night. I love this autumn weather. It’s chilly enough to only need a thick blanket to curl up under and not need the heat on. I’m a little worried about this year’s winter though. They’re predicting a pretty bad one, and for once I don’t want that. Usually I love bad winters because work closes on storm days, but this year I just don’t want to deal with all the clean-up that will be required if it is. I don’t mind a little snow (especially the first few snow falls) because it’s just so peaceful and serene… but after a while it gets annoying too.
Earlier I texted my brothers (and mom), “Love you guys <3”. I’m not big on using the L word. It’s one of my biggest regrets with my dad.
I mean I know that he knew I loved him very much … that isn’t a doubt. But at the same time, I still wish I’d said it a lot more to him. My dad was just like me and rarely said the L word. He said it a lot more in his final days, but … it’s something I turn over in my CRAZY brain every day… that I should have said it more. His second-to-last night alive he was suffering a lot and making a lot of groaning noises. I had NO idea it was his second-to-last night with us. I had no clue he’d be gone in two days. I was up with him the whole night and I was just so tired that the day before he passed I spent so much of it in bed/sleeping while my mom/Dan watched him. I regret that too. I wish I’d spent every moment with him but I had NO idea. I wish I’d know the exact time/day because I would have spent every second by his side, telling him how much I loved him.
See, this is the kind of stuff that haunts me. I think about his last day. All of us on the bed with him, around him. Telling him we loved him so much and it was okay to let go (by the day he passed he was completely out of it and not speaking/seeing us. They pumped him full of morphine and it was really quick in the end … like literally two nights before he was talking to me and then 24 hours later nothing, no sign he could hear us, etc but Id like to believe he heard everything we said to him).
For six months before he passed away, I’d spend every single night alone with him (mom or bros would stay with him during the day). He didn’t sleep much and would be up all night. Usually he’d talk to himself. Near the very end, he kept calling me “Gloria”, which I’d just respond to. One night close to his passing, he was actually calm in bed and I lay beside him and just listened to his breathing and he reached over and put his hand on my head and said (in Portuguese so loses a little in translation), “My dearest Marcy (my name in Portuguese is pronounced mar-cee-a), when we will find each other again?” He sounded so broken that it killed me inside. To this day it still kills me inside. As I write this I can’t stop the tears … because THIS … this very thing is ALWAYS on my mind.
WHEN will I see my dad again? WILL I see my dad again? Deep down I really hope so and want to BELIEVE I will … but no one ever ‘comes back’ and tells us for sure. As much ‘faith’ as I have, I have always been one to question things I cannot see, so a part of me is afraid I never will and that breaks my heart.
Ugh. I have to stop because I am full blown crying right now .
Not to end on that massively depressing note … today is just absolutely beautiful. Have I mentioned how much I adore Autumn? I might have to take my actual DLSR to take pictures this weekend (or next) for way better pictures than my cell… :D
And insted of making a whole new post, another cut with PART TWO of those questions from the questionnaire.
15. How would you describe your childhood in general? Wonderful. We didn’t have the name brand clothes, my barbies were from the dollar store, but we had so much love and were so cherished growing up. I wouldn’t change anything about my childhood.
16. What is your earliest memory? I think I’m 5 or 6 and my dad is out washing beat up used Oldsmobile (an ugly yellow color that car was lol) … and I’m sitting on the driveway in this tiny little chair my parents apparently trekked all over to find (they later told me this). Every once in a while he’d spray the hose up and toward the sun which would create a beautiful rainbow and I remember laughing/smiling with such happiness, I can still see the huge smile on his face seeing me so happy over something as simple that. It’s a memory that will never leave me.
17. How much schooling have you had? I’m a junior in college (BA). I was finishing up when my dad became very sick two and a half years ago. I took time off to help out, etc. I don’t know if I’ll go back. I mean I am so close, but I dunno. Might help to distract me if I had school. Still thinking about it.
18. Did you enjoy school? You’ll quickly find I am a huge nerd. I love school. I love learning. I am/was a history major and history is one of my biggest passions (Ancient history especially). I could get lost in the past for hours, just imagining what it was like, etc. So yeah… love school.
19. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? Uh … naturally I guess. Sure, school has given me knowledge (to read, understand, etc) … but my creativity is all me. I did learn being responsible, planning and patience from my parents. I suck at multitasking. If I have multiple projects, I have to start one …finish it…then move on. Often people approach me as I am working on something and I admit I totally zone out half the time unless it is important to my work. It’s bad Lol.
20. While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. Not really. Not in the sense I think this question is asking. I never really idolized actors/actresses or important people in the world. I did want to make my parents proud, so I worked my ass off to get good grades, worked as soon as I could so I could help them out by buying my own clothes/items … but never really thought … “Man, I really wanna be like Thor!” :P
21. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? Siblings are siblings … we definitely had our blow outs and fights (and for the longest time I held something over my baby brother’s head so he would do my every bidding threatening to ‘tell mom and dad if he didn’t - yeah I was evil ): … ) but in the end. I went through my rebellion phase where I hated everyone, but I pretty much always got along with my family.
22. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher. Yeah, nerd told ya. Then I found out all that it entails to become one and yeah… I’m happy doing my job and being behind the scenes lol.
23. As a child, what were your favorite activities? Reading was def #1. My cousins always made fun of me because whenever I’d go visit them I’d have 3-4 books with me (just for the weekend). I read SO much when I was younger (kind of miss it). I did like the usual stuff too like hide-and-seek, red rover, coloring, running (loved running), playing X-Men with my brothers (I was always storm rofl) … etc.
24. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? I was definitely a lot more outgoing when I was younger (then the real world crushed my spirit / rofl!). I was also shy, but only until I got to know people, then couldn’t shut me up. I was the oldest so I learned responsibility very young as I was often in charge of caring for my brothers. They were definitely more carefree than I was.
25. As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? Elementary yeah. But I think everyone is popular in elementary lol. Middle school I started to become more antisocial/introverted and by High School I had my close niche of friends (6 girls I am still friends with today) and it was enough. I look back now and I remember hearing about parties and feeling like I was missing out, but in truth, I have wonderful memories with my friends. They were a lot like me … shy, totally into school/activities, not exactly ‘nerds’, but not jocks or ‘cool chicks’ either. All the groups talked to us if they saw us, but we just weren’t a part of their cliques.
26. When and with whom was your first kiss? Oh man … flash back to spicy breath here. LOL I was 17 and my best friend at time met a guy who had a ‘friend’ and she needed me to pick her up so her mom thought we were together. So I had to go with her to meet this dude in some creepy park and he brought his friend (who I admit was cute). My best friend was immediately locking lips with her dude which was pretty awkward for me and this stranger guy, so we kind of walked off and talked for a bit and I have no idea how it happened but he laid one on me and we just made out for about half an hour. I don’t know WHAT he ate tho, cuz everything about that kiss was spicy rofl (which oddly wasn’t awful just very weird).
27. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? Dayum, personal much? ROFL. No … I am not a virgin. I did NOT lose it to spicy breath. I actually lost it to my very first real boyfriend ever at 21. I was with him for about 5 years. It wasn’t a good relationship and I don’t really talk about it (he was emotionally abusive and near the end got violent once which made me finally leave the bastard).
28. If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today. As much as I love the supernatural (and read/write about it), I am not. I remember my vampire phase though, where I would BEG (to the air around me rofl), for a vampire to turn me. Yeah … I’m psycho, I know.
Longest entry ever ... apologies. Cuts are my friend tho!