From Social Butterfly to Social Scrooge
[Some thoughts I am tossing out there, probably a disjointed/weird post]
My online “life” has drastically changed since I first hopped on about 15 years ago (wow, has it really been 15 years?!). I used to be such a chatterbox back then, always hanging out in this chat room or that… I would often have 10-15 chat windows open at once and actually be able to keep most of them going at the same time (don’t ask me how).
I also got into role playing really quickly and was pretty obsessed with it (to the point of creating lavish websites for my characters…no joke). I’d stay up all night, I’d skip writing papers for classes to role play (and then whip up something quick for class the night before something was due … ) … It was crazy. Then RP in the AOL chats started taking a turn for the worst and it was more and more guys just wanting cyber *eyeroll*.
But I took comfort in being able to talk to all of these people behind a screen and just be myself (or when role playing, being someone completely different) without having to worry about expectations, etc.
That changed about 5 years in when I got into the gaming community (thanks to my two brothers), and I became crazy about video games, and now what was keeping me up late and away from my homework were video games and not role playing (and I miss that every day still; I wish I hadn’t given up role playing).
About 6 years of the gaming world and I just got sick and tired of these ‘kids’ that played and everyone online was just pissing me off beyond belief left and right and I wondered if this was really how humanity was; no sense of shame, no sense of loyalty, no sense of true friendship and people would scoff at me: “how do you make FRIENDS online.” Yet, a couple of these online people were more of a friend to me than some of the people I knew IRL and I counted on them more than IRL friends … so I ignored those attitudes.
But I really became disheartened the more time I spent online and the more time I took to get to know people who might have been acting themselves or may have not been, but to me it was pretty real and disappointing (sadly I have very high expectations of people, it’s a fault of mine).
In recent years it’s become a lot more acceptable to meet people IRL that you met online, but I remember when it felt like it had to be a huge secret when folks would ask “how’d you meet” … why? Who knows. I know there was a sense of ‘shame’ and ‘patheticness’ to it … sad as now it’s way more acceptable. I actually met one of my Ex’s and longtime boyfriend through the internet (from one of the local chat rooms I enjoyed chatting in lol) and still to this day I tell people we met through a college friend … because that’s what we were saying back then.
And now? My online ‘life’ is the complete opposite of those first couple of years. I usually only have one chat window open and if I have more than two I can barely keep the conversations going in all three (I never have more than 5). I keep more to myself and choose to play single player video games or read a book or play silly FB games or chat with B the whole night.
I think that’s the other thing. B has been the ‘center’ of my life for about 5 years, and when I make a guy that focal point, I really don’t have much else to say to other guys (and most of the people I ‘chat’ -used loosely here-with online are guys). I don’t like to flirt it up online… I’d rather have silly conversations or share stupid stories than try to flirt with every guy I know. Then there’s the fact that I feel like I have completely lost touch with humanity and just don’t know what to say to people anymore. I really sit here and wonder what I could possibly have had to say back in the day where I would never stfu … and now I can barely hold a 5 minute conversation online with people …
Sad thing is, sometimes I miss that social side of myself. I miss being the dork and being able to just talk about anything and everything …but the thought of ‘starting’ over just does not appeal to me… and I am not lonely enough to really want to seek out online ‘chats’. I also think my friendships IRL have gotten a lot stronger and I actually have REAL bonds now IRL with people I care about and make more time for them than I would have in those first 10 years of ‘online frenzy’.
I dunno. I guess I got to thinking about it this morning because an old online friend of mine messaged me last night and we were briefly talking and then before they left they said something along the lines of, “I miss our talks,” and he’s not the first to say that in recent months. I am not out to purposely ignore people … I just really have nothing to say sometimes. I respond to questions but that’s about it… I have no idea how I’ve become so … broken socially LOL.