Matthew took a deep breath and stared out over the ocean.
'Marriage...God what does that even mean?'
'It means families torn apart because the parents can no longer get along. It means pain and suffering and it can only end in divorce.'
Matthew swallowed. Did he really believe that? Did he even believe that could happen between him and Lars? Truth be told Matthew didn't even know WHY his parents got divorced. Why they started arguing, or where their troubles even began. He only knew that their fights got louder and longer and they became more and more angry at each other.
Matthew chanced a glance back at his boyfriend and noticed there seemed to be some sort of turmoil behind his eyes.
A thought entered Matthew's mind, small...and causing just a bit of hope to blossom in his chest.
'Lars has loving parents...and they're still together. You could SEE how much they loved each other even through the computer screen. I want that kind of love with Lars.'
Matthew bit his lip for a moment, then clicked his tongue ring against his teeth.
He placed his fingers on top of their hands that were so tightly joined.
"Lars?" He started, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice, trying to make it sound like an everyday, casual question. "What do you think of marriage?"
Lars could barely breathe, so speaking seemed rather impossible for the moment. He swallowed and joined Matt's gaze out toward the sea until he found his voice again.
"I think that it's… it takes work. A lot more than a paper plate," he tried in vain to give an easy chuckle, but it came out more of a croak and quickly stifled cough. "I think… I think love isn't always easy and sometimes people just aren't compatible." He squeezed Matt's hand, feeling as though he were walking on eggshells.
"But I also think--no, I know that it can last. People change and grow, but that doesn't mean they have to grow apart."
The words sounded tired and cliched. Lars winced and sighed, dropping his head.
"I guess all I really know about it is what I've seen. I've seen how my parents lean on each other, I watched them finish each other's sentences… and I also know my dad has spent a night or two on the couch. It's not perfect, it's not a fairytale. But even when things get tough, you always have that person with you."
Lars felt his face flush. None of this was coming out right.
Matt… what do you need me to say? How do I show you that I won't ever hurt you? What should I tell you to make you trust in us after all you've been through?
He brought his head up and looked his boyfriend in the eye.
"How… what do you think of it? I mean for you, not for anyone else."
Matthew listened very carefully to what Lars was saying. He hadn't really heard that view on marriage before, only seen the view of his parents and how it had all fallen apart, ripping him and Alfred away from each other.
"I know that it can last. People change and grow, but that doesn't mean they have to grow apart."
His parents had grown apart, and he had never known why. What drove them away from each other? He knew he didn't want the two of them to grow apart like that. There was before Lars, and there was after Lars. Matthew wanted desperately to NEVER go back to before Lars.
But Lars had said he knew it could last. Because of his parents. Even if it wasn't perfect. Matthew knew that relationships were never perfect, and if they were, then either the couple was no longer talking to each other, or they were lying.
"You always have that person with you."
It was not a new concept to Matthew that he always wanted Lars to be with him. But for some reason, this time the knowledge hit him like a freight train.
He noticed Lars' face had turned red, and he squeezed his hand. He knew this conversation was probably awkward at best, but for some reason he had needed to ask. But when Lars looked up at him, with the same question on his lips, Matthew found he suddenly had a hard time swallowing.
He looked into those green eyes, trying to decipher what he saw there. He tried to swallow the large lump that seemed to suddenly be in his throat, as he saw the expectation in those eyes.
Lars needed him to answer that question, and it made Matthew nervous. He couldn't keep looking Lars in the eyes anymore, and diverted his gaze to the deck beneath his feet.
He worried his lip a moment, to give himself some time to think. Matthew found he was convinced that all marriage did was ruin things. That it could only end in disaster. But Lars knew differently, didn't he? He knew that marriage could last, because it was obvious that his parents still loved and cared for each other very deeply.
Matthew took a deep breath. "What do I think of it...for me?" God...what DID he think? On the one hand he saw pain, heartache and divorce. On the other he saw how happy Lars' parents seemed to be together. He wondered how long they'd been married.
"I...I honestly don't know, Lars." He chewed his lip. "My parents..." he sighed. "But yours are...so different."
He finally brought his eyes back up to his boyfriend's face. "How long have they been married?"
Lars' heart fell into his stomach at the uncertainty in Matt's voice. But he knew that all hope wasn't lost when his love considered his parents and didn't dismiss them as a fluke or a deviation from the norm. Lars tread carefully, his entire body tense and a small ache developing in his chest and head.
"Mom had me when she was twenty-six, and they were married for three years before then… So twenty-one years. They met in college, when my mom studied abroad in the Netherlands."
Despite the unrest he felt, Lars managed a smile. "She didn't like him right away either," he continued. "The first semester they knew each other, she thought he was an idiot." He shook his head, still keeping a small grin. He'd heard the story many times and had always put on a mask of indifference, but now he was incredibly thankful to have their history at the ready.
"They had a few classes together and she always complained about the 'annoying guy' that knew all the right answers and didn't hesitate to give them. And he was always stingy with money too, never wanted to go out. One night her friends convinced him and a couple of other guys to go to a bar and he refused to dance, kept checking his wallet every time another round was ordered--really pissed my mom off." He chuckled, looking out over the water. "She took him aside at the end of the night and put him in his place, saying he had ruined it for everyone. She found out just before they left that he didn't dance because he was too nervous around her, and he had picked up the tab for everyone even though he was working almost full-time while paying for college to show her he could provide. She avoided him for a full week, she felt so embarrassed."
Lars chanced a look at Matt, not really knowing if telling him all this would help, but hoping still. "He asked her out, she said yes, and it still took months before she realized she loved him. Not exactly an easy start, but I've never seen two people have each other's backs like they do. And they certainly didn't have six years of fate helping them along either."
He froze, wondering if he had steered the conversation too close to home with that last sentiment.
Matthew took a deep breath and held it for a few moments before releasing it. "Six years of fate..." he rolled that thought around in his head a few moments.
He let out a small choked laugh. "Twenty-one years, huh? Wow. They have my parents beat by eleven. Mine were only together for a decade." He saw the slight confusion in Lars' face. He swallowed. "My parents weren't married before_ ...Before me. I wasn't exactly planned." He turned his gaze back to the water. "They married the January after I was born, so I was about six months old. Sometime after that Mom wanted another baby, so they planned for Alfred, and he came along the next year."
Matthew's voice took on a slightly bitter edge. "It obviously didn't help having the two of us. Their marriage still disintegrated...It didn't help that after awhile Papa got so busy that he was never home. I know Mama hated that. She hated that he was never there anymore...I wonder if he was never there because he didn't want to be, but that's probably an unfair assessment."
He sighed and turned his eyes back to Lars. "I don't even know why they really got divorced. I can speculate, but neither have ever really said why. They argued a lot...when he was home anyway. Maybe they divorced because he was never there, or because when he was all they did was fight." He shrugged, and tried to put on a smile like it didn't bother him. In truth, it usually didn't. But the subject of marriage made the subject of his parents' divorce seem to cause new wounds...or did it open old ones?
His face turned slightly pink. "Lars...I don't even know what marriage means. There are the legal aspects, sure. You can put your husband or wife on your insurance. You can stay with them in the hospital if something happens. You can legally adopt children if you want to, as long as you live in the right places."
"But...what else is marriage good for?" That wasn't how he wanted the question to come out.
"What I mean is...uhh..." He bit his lip and noticed another strange look on his lover's face. "It's not that I think marriage is pointless..."
His mind screeched to a halt. 'You don't? You don't think marriage is pointless?' He swallowed at that realization. For a long time that's what he thought. Marriage was pointless if all it did was end in divorce...why the change?
Matthew tried to force out the rest of his words. "I mean...It's not...pointless...but..." He screwed his eyes shut for a moment. "Merde!" Why did his words have to fail him now?!
"If marriage isn't pointless...then what is its point?" He asked, suddenly finding himself hoping beyond words that Lars would have the answer.
"It's point is a promise," Lars jumped in, taking the nervous energy from his love and twisting it into his own unintentionally. "It's… something tangible you can fall back on when all the things you can't see are hard to remember."
Lars' expression teetered on the edge of despair. He wasn't sure he had an answer to Matt's question, but the words suddenly spilled forth as he tried to formulate his own opinion along with soothing Matt's obviously unnerved state.
"A promise. A deal--that no matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, you'll stay. I know that wasn't the case with your parents and I can't imagine how much pain that put you through… but marriage isn't all loss and breaking apart. Not always. It's standing up in front of your friends and family and saying 'I will love this person until I die and nothing will ever change that' and then following through."
Lars was shaking, his throat oddly tight and his entire being on the defense. He pressed on anyway.
"It's not just about taxes and legalities… marriage is giving yourself, everything you are and everything you might become, to the one person who will cherish it as if it were their own life. More than their own life. Joining together, vowing before everyone who is important to you… creating a bond that's deeper and more powerful than anything else in the world."
He was babbling, still feeling like the words weren't right. He had to fight the urge to run, to admit defeat and say that he couldn't explain why he believed in it so strongly.
Maybe that was the key.
"…Marriage is finding the other part of your soul and bonding it together, in this life and beyond. When words fail, when your body gives out, when all the things that are controlled by the physical start to fade, marriage connects you to the very core of the person you love and nothing can shake that."
With a shuddering breath, Lars closed his eyes and prayed that something, anything he had said would reach his love.
Lars...had the answer...Somehow he had the answer, and all the right words that Matthew seemed to need to hear, even if Matthew wasn't sure how to react to them.
He wanted to believe those things about marriage, and he felt his soul start to lighten as the ideas started to sink in. Lars had opened up and shared with him what he believed marriage to be, and quite eloquently in Matthew's opinion, even though Lars seemed to think he wasn't explaining it very well.
"I..." Matthew wasn't sure what to say, but he brought his hands up to cup Lars' face, and closed the distance between them. It was a sweet, chaste kiss, and Matthew pulled back enough to lean his forehead against Lars'.
"You're shaking..." He said softly, moving to wrap his arms around his lover's shoulders. "You really believe in marriage that much...and you have every right to believe in it. Especially since your parents seem like such a good example of what you see marriage to be. If they weren't, they wouldn't still be together, right? They love each other very much, even I can tell that, and I haven't even met them yet...at least in person..."
Matthew stayed quiet for a few moments, holding Lars, and trying to let him know through his touch that he appreciated his explanation of marriage and what it meant.
"What it...means...What marriage means, Lars. I've never heard it that way until now. And you make it sound wonderful..." He whispered, and nuzzled his boyfriend's cheek, then placed a kiss there.
He pulled back just a tiny bit, so he could speak without tickling Lars' face with his lips. "So...marriage is a deeper...I guess spiritual...connection? Not just for legal papers...A promise...a deal that's more than just...legalities..." Matthew was trying his best to process everything. He felt an odd sort of confused relief and found he wanted so badly to believe that's what marriage was.
He placed another soft kiss to Lars' cheek, then reached up and placed another kiss to his scar. "I know I can trust your promises, Lars. And I know that you'll always hold up your end of a deal..."
He wasn't sure what that meant yet, but it had sounded right in his head, even if by saying it he had confused himself even more.
He pulled away, and shook his head, as if trying to clear out the cobwebs. "Lars...the way you see marriage is beautiful...but...I'm trying to wrap my head around it. It's...it's difficult...But I'm trying." This new information from Lars on what marriage should be and was, warred in Matthew's mind against what he saw it to be.
Relief and mild embarrassment that he was so visibly worked up ran through Lars' body and he sighed.
"I will always keep my word. There's no way I'd ever hurt you, Matt. I may not make all the right choices, but I will never, ever do something that will knowingly hurt you…"
…the way your parents did.
Lars swallowed that last thought and stood up on shaky legs. He knew if he didn't move soon he'd collapse right there onto Matt or let his mouth get him in trouble. He hadn't met Matthew's parents, it wasn't fair to judge them harshly… but it was incredibly hard to view them with anything other than contempt when Lars repeatedly ran into all the damage they had left behind. He extended a hand to Matt.
"Can we go for a walk, liefje?" he asked, his voice much more timid than he would have liked it to be. He cleared his throat.
"I don't mean to foist my opinions on you," he began as he wound their arms together. "Take all the time you need to figure things out. I'll be here. I'll be here for as long as it takes."
As the two of them walked across the deck, Matthew contemplated Lars' words. "I don't think you're foisting your opinions on me, Lars." He smiled softly and looked at his boyfriend. "Honestly, it's..." he paused, contemplating how he wanted to continue. "It's refreshing to hear someone can have a happily ever after. It...gives me hope." And it did. That small blossom of hope was seeming to grow, even though he had no idea why. He wound their fingers together, to hold his lover's hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"I just haven't seen it before, you know? I mean, Mama seems pretty happy with Adam, but I don't know for sure, because I'm not there very often. And I don't know how long it will last. They've only been married two years."
He contemplated a moment. "Of course...they dated four years before that." He sighed. "I guess if they make it another four that's good, right?"
The two stopped near the back of the boat and Matthew watched the waves behind them as they sped through the waters.
"I'm glad you'll be here, by the way. Glad that you'll give me time to figure it out." he sighed, and looked at Lars. He knew that this subject had affected him rather deeply, but Matthew couldn't fathom why or how.
"I'm sorry if my perception of marriage upsets you, Lars..."
"It doesn't upset me, liefje," Lars said slowly. "I just wish… I wish things could have been different for you. I wish you hadn't gone through all that pain, I wish you could have seen a marriage that works…"
I wish you'd let me give you a happily ever after. Matt, please don't give up on this before we even start…
He swallowed and turned his head, catching Matthew's gaze with eyes that were still turbulent.
"I wish I could take all of that from you, liefje. I'd give anything to spare you that kind of suffering."
He took a breath, considering his words.
"In the end though, I guess it's what made you who you are. You've known a lot of hurt and uncertainty, but still you choose to love and trust. I don't think you'll ever know how much I admire your strength."
And it was true. Every day Lars marveled at the kind, caring man who could have easily turned his childhood into a personal tragedy and tried to bring down those around him. But instead, Matthew continually lifted people up. Lars only hoped that one day he might have a heart half the size of Matthew's.
He glanced out to the water and tried to shake the rest of the uneasiness that still roamed his stomach.
"Do you want to keep talking about it? Or should we go get ready to jet ski?"
He smiled, but it was tinged with thoughts he still couldn't reveal to Matt, hopes that had turned to fear and dreams that seemed to dance just out of his grasp.
Give it time. Give him time.
Ever after won't happen overnight.
The thought would have to console him until Matt was ready, how ever long that might take.
Matthew looked out over the water, thinking, wondering, and just a tiny bit of shame on his face. His voice was soft, and barely heard over the ocean around them. "Sometimes, I wish you wouldn't say things like that, Lars. I'm not as strong as you think I am...And I certainly don't deserve your praise..."
He turned to look at Lars and brought his hand up to stroke his cheek. "But thank you. For everything. Even for wanting to take away my s...suffering. But really, I didn't...suffer...not...a lot. I'm fine, really. There are people that have had it much worse than me, I'm sure." He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. He knew Lars was right, but he didn't want to fall into self pity. He'd been down that road before, and it had almost been his greatest mistake.
"Besides, the soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears..." 'Ugh...you and your quotes, do you realize how stupid you sound, ya hoser?'
Matthew ignored his inner berating as he contemplated Lars' question. Did he want to keep talking about marriage? Part of him said, yes, but part of him couldn't take the troubled look in Lars' eyes, and he knew it came from their discussion.
But why...? Why did the conversation seem to trouble him so much if he believed in marriage so strongly? Could it be Matthew's view on the subject that upset him? But Lars had said it didn't, and Matthew believed him.
"If you don't want to keep talking about, that's okay, Babe." He said, offering Lars the option to end the conversation if it made him feel more comfortable. And maybe if Lars chose to end it, then Matthew wouldn't have to. "You said my views didn't upset you, but...I'm worried that this conversation is making you uncomfortable..."
Matthew searched Lars' eyes, but he couldn't seem to read them very well. He thought he saw fear, and something else, but he couldn't be sure.
'Oh god...don't shut me out...'
"You know, Babe...You can tell me anything...okay?"
Lars' heart continued to grow heavier, ignoring the progress he had thought they made. What started out as a silly joke between all the passengers on the boat had morphed into a tangle of uncertainty and distress between Matt and Lars and he wished it would end. But he knew that the conversation would have to happen regardless--Lars had been vaguely hoping that it would have gone better than this. The more they talked, the more his fears were confirmed and it left him feeling hollow and unbearably restless.
"Uncomfortable," he repeated, a mumble that wasn't much louder than Matt's soft voice. "Uncomfortable isn't the word I'd use, liefje…"
He held Matt's gaze steady, seeing too much of his own misery reflected in those violet depths. His boyfriend's words were laced with worry and Lars couldn't take it anymore. He pulled Matthew slowly into his arms, in a hug that might have squished a more delicate man.
"I know I can tell you anything," he said against his ear. Knowing, but still holding back. It made him feel a little ill. "The same goes for you. This… this is important to me, but I didn't mean for it to turn into something bigger than it is. I'm sorry, Matt."
And with the apology, Lars lost his words. He ran his hands up and down Matthew's back in an attempt to comfort them both, falling back on their physical connection for refuge from the ache that refused to leave his chest.
"If uncomfortable isn't the right word, what is?" Matthew asked, his lips brushing against Lars' neck, his arms encircling his lover to return the hug. "And I'm not sure what you mean by it turning into something bigger...I don't..."
He paused, his eyes closing as Lars' hands roamed his back. It was certainly a comforting gesture and he melted even more into his boyfriend's embrace.
"I don't understand why you're apologizing, Lars. I don't see why you should..."
He considered Lars' words a moment. This was important to him...Marriage was important to him.
A thought began to form in Matthew's mind. He knew how much he meant to Lars. Sometimes he couldn't believe it, but he knew it. He knew that Lars had promised on more than one occasion that he would never leave Matthew... Lars seemed distressed about their conversation on marriage, and Matthew had wondered if his opinion on the matter had cause this distress.
'Oh god...is...is Lars thinking...?'
Matthew's heart skipped a few beats and that hope seemed to grow more, threatening to take over his entire body. He found himself hoping that maybe that small inkling might be right. Oh god, could it be right? And what if it was?
Matthew felt his face grow warm, and it wasn't from the sun shining down on them as they stood there. He felt it was almost too much to hope for...and he tried to push it away. Even though the pieces seemed to add up so well, Matthew refused to believe it was a possibility.
He swallowed dryly and pulled back to look at Lars, choosing his words carefully, and trying to mask the question in his eyes. "If...if it's that important to you, Lars. I'll try to change my opinion on it..." He smiled softly, and leaned in to touch noses with his boyfriend. His voice was soft, but he was sure Lars could still hear him. "I'll try to look at it in a more positive light. Maybe visiting your parents will help, too." He kissed Lars, soft, gentle. "You've gotten me to change my views on so many things already, Babe. Don't give up now..." He brought his hands up to cup Lars' face before sliding them to the back of his neck where he laced them together.
And then, because he couldn't help it, even though he was sure Lars would someday tire of hearing his endless quotes...
"Don't look at what you have to do, look at what you've already done..."
There was a slight change in Matthew that didn't go unnoticed by Lars. His body seemed to shift, his eyes still said that there was quite a bit going on behind them but Lars saw less tumult. Had Matthew figured out what he had been trying to keep hidden?
And if he had, and his reaction was one of a willingness to change and examine his thoughts…
A brief flash of hope went through Lars' eyes before he closed them, touching foreheads with his love and smiling gently at his words.
They still had a long road ahead. Lars knew he would have to be patient. He had meant it when he said he'd give Matt as much time as he needed, and now Lars vowed to spend that time trying to show him everything that marriage should be. He couldn't take away the past, but he could shape the present into something that would make Matthew know he could trust in Lars and in their union in a way he hadn't been able to with his own parents.
"I won't give up on you, Matt. Just don't stop coming to me, even if we disagree on things. Deal?"
Lars sighed and pressed Matthew close, his body still humming with adrenaline but his anxiety beginning to ebb a little. He thought of the last words his boyfriend had spoken.
"…and I don't feel like I have to do anything, liefje. Loving you is not a chore, it never will be." His hands made their way to Matt's sides, caressing in movements that weren't quite as needy and desperate.
Matthew smiled. "Deal. As long as it goes both ways. I'm never giving up on you, either, and I don't...I don't want you to shut me out..."
In all truth, Matthew himself hadn't opened up to Lars completely, but he knew that his lover was getting more and more under his skin, and chipping more and more of his shell away. It was frightening and exhilarating all at once. It seemed to Matthew that it was slower going than Lars opening up to him, and he didn't mean for that. But Matthew had put on layers and layers of his shell to hide in.
He shivered slightly as Lars' hands moved. "I'm glad that loving me isn't a chore. I don't know what I do if you thought loving me was difficult." He chuckled, unlacing his fingers from the back of Lars' neck and letting them slide down to rest above Lars' heart.
That hope clawed its way back up Matthew's chest and he tried to squash it. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be possible....could it? What if it really was? He could imagine what Lars would feel if he was considering marriage, just to find out that his boyfriend didn't trust or even really believe in it. So what could he say to ease that? To smooth over the rest of the anxiety Lars must be feeling, without giving it away that Matthew thought any of that?
The it hit him. He looked Lars right in the eyes, and before he could second guess himself, he spoke.
"Look...no matter what we agree or disagree on, the bottom line to anything in our relationship is the simple fact that I love you. Because of that I would do anything for you, Lars. I would follow you blindly to the ends of the Earth, because I know you will never hurt me. And that will never change...ever."
The gripping sensation Lars felt in his chest was now one that came from his overwhelming love for Matt instead of panic and fear. His eyes fluttered closed as he composed himself, still holding Matthew's hips gently. He squeezed them and spoke in a rough whisper.
"I won't ask you follow me blindly, because that's one of things I love so much about you. You're your own person--smart, thoughtful, loving… I trust you because I know you think things through, that you don't tell me what I want to hear. It makes it all the more amazing when you choose to love me and let me in."
Sometimes with Matthew, the words came easier. The turbulent nature of their conversation left Lars without the energy to censor or overthink what he was saying.
"I'd do the same for you, you know. Since I met you, I've starting listening, here--" he touched his chest, just over his heart "--it's been scary as hell but worth it. So worth it." He swallowed and leaned in slowly, kissing Matt with a softness that Lars hadn't always been capable of. He had learned that he didn't need to be tough and hard and cold as he had always been. Matthew had slowly but surely melted away his defenses and re-wrote all his self-imposed rules.
The Lars of last summer would have berated himself for being so sentimental and weak. Now he knew that he was better than he had ever hoped he could be, thanks to the man in his arms.
'Marriage...God what does that even mean?'
'It means families torn apart because the parents can no longer get along. It means pain and suffering and it can only end in divorce.'
Matthew swallowed. Did he really believe that? Did he even believe that could happen between him and Lars? Truth be told Matthew didn't even know WHY his parents got divorced. Why they started arguing, or where their troubles even began. He only knew that their fights got louder and longer and they became more and more angry at each other.
Matthew chanced a glance back at his boyfriend and noticed there seemed to be some sort of turmoil behind his eyes.
A thought entered Matthew's mind, small...and causing just a bit of hope to blossom in his chest.
'Lars has loving parents...and they're still together. You could SEE how much they loved each other even through the computer screen. I want that kind of love with Lars.'
Matthew bit his lip for a moment, then clicked his tongue ring against his teeth.
He placed his fingers on top of their hands that were so tightly joined.
"Lars?" He started, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice, trying to make it sound like an everyday, casual question. "What do you think of marriage?"
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"I think that it's… it takes work. A lot more than a paper plate," he tried in vain to give an easy chuckle, but it came out more of a croak and quickly stifled cough. "I think… I think love isn't always easy and sometimes people just aren't compatible." He squeezed Matt's hand, feeling as though he were walking on eggshells.
"But I also think--no, I know that it can last. People change and grow, but that doesn't mean they have to grow apart."
The words sounded tired and cliched. Lars winced and sighed, dropping his head.
"I guess all I really know about it is what I've seen. I've seen how my parents lean on each other, I watched them finish each other's sentences… and I also know my dad has spent a night or two on the couch. It's not perfect, it's not a fairytale. But even when things get tough, you always have that person with you."
Lars felt his face flush. None of this was coming out right.
Matt… what do you need me to say? How do I show you that I won't ever hurt you? What should I tell you to make you trust in us after all you've been through?
He brought his head up and looked his boyfriend in the eye.
"How… what do you think of it? I mean for you, not for anyone else."
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"I know that it can last. People change and grow, but that doesn't mean they have to grow apart."
His parents had grown apart, and he had never known why. What drove them away from each other? He knew he didn't want the two of them to grow apart like that. There was before Lars, and there was after Lars. Matthew wanted desperately to NEVER go back to before Lars.
But Lars had said he knew it could last. Because of his parents. Even if it wasn't perfect. Matthew knew that relationships were never perfect, and if they were, then either the couple was no longer talking to each other, or they were lying.
"You always have that person with you."
It was not a new concept to Matthew that he always wanted Lars to be with him. But for some reason, this time the knowledge hit him like a freight train.
He noticed Lars' face had turned red, and he squeezed his hand. He knew this conversation was probably awkward at best, but for some reason he had needed to ask. But when Lars looked up at him, with the same question on his lips, Matthew found he suddenly had a hard time swallowing.
He looked into those green eyes, trying to decipher what he saw there. He tried to swallow the large lump that seemed to suddenly be in his throat, as he saw the expectation in those eyes.
Lars needed him to answer that question, and it made Matthew nervous. He couldn't keep looking Lars in the eyes anymore, and diverted his gaze to the deck beneath his feet.
He worried his lip a moment, to give himself some time to think. Matthew found he was convinced that all marriage did was ruin things. That it could only end in disaster. But Lars knew differently, didn't he? He knew that marriage could last, because it was obvious that his parents still loved and cared for each other very deeply.
Matthew took a deep breath. "What do I think of it...for me?" God...what DID he think? On the one hand he saw pain, heartache and divorce. On the other he saw how happy Lars' parents seemed to be together. He wondered how long they'd been married.
"I...I honestly don't know, Lars." He chewed his lip. "My parents..." he sighed. "But yours are...so different."
He finally brought his eyes back up to his boyfriend's face. "How long have they been married?"
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"Mom had me when she was twenty-six, and they were married for three years before then… So twenty-one years. They met in college, when my mom studied abroad in the Netherlands."
Despite the unrest he felt, Lars managed a smile. "She didn't like him right away either," he continued. "The first semester they knew each other, she thought he was an idiot." He shook his head, still keeping a small grin. He'd heard the story many times and had always put on a mask of indifference, but now he was incredibly thankful to have their history at the ready.
"They had a few classes together and she always complained about the 'annoying guy' that knew all the right answers and didn't hesitate to give them. And he was always stingy with money too, never wanted to go out. One night her friends convinced him and a couple of other guys to go to a bar and he refused to dance, kept checking his wallet every time another round was ordered--really pissed my mom off." He chuckled, looking out over the water. "She took him aside at the end of the night and put him in his place, saying he had ruined it for everyone. She found out just before they left that he didn't dance because he was too nervous around her, and he had picked up the tab for everyone even though he was working almost full-time while paying for college to show her he could provide. She avoided him for a full week, she felt so embarrassed."
Lars chanced a look at Matt, not really knowing if telling him all this would help, but hoping still. "He asked her out, she said yes, and it still took months before she realized she loved him. Not exactly an easy start, but I've never seen two people have each other's backs like they do. And they certainly didn't have six years of fate helping them along either."
He froze, wondering if he had steered the conversation too close to home with that last sentiment.
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He let out a small choked laugh. "Twenty-one years, huh? Wow. They have my parents beat by eleven. Mine were only together for a decade." He saw the slight confusion in Lars' face. He swallowed. "My parents weren't married before_ ...Before me. I wasn't exactly planned." He turned his gaze back to the water. "They married the January after I was born, so I was about six months old. Sometime after that Mom wanted another baby, so they planned for Alfred, and he came along the next year."
Matthew's voice took on a slightly bitter edge. "It obviously didn't help having the two of us. Their marriage still disintegrated...It didn't help that after awhile Papa got so busy that he was never home. I know Mama hated that. She hated that he was never there anymore...I wonder if he was never there because he didn't want to be, but that's probably an unfair assessment."
He sighed and turned his eyes back to Lars. "I don't even know why they really got divorced. I can speculate, but neither have ever really said why. They argued a lot...when he was home anyway. Maybe they divorced because he was never there, or because when he was all they did was fight." He shrugged, and tried to put on a smile like it didn't bother him. In truth, it usually didn't. But the subject of marriage made the subject of his parents' divorce seem to cause new wounds...or did it open old ones?
His face turned slightly pink. "Lars...I don't even know what marriage means. There are the legal aspects, sure. You can put your husband or wife on your insurance. You can stay with them in the hospital if something happens. You can legally adopt children if you want to, as long as you live in the right places."
"But...what else is marriage good for?" That wasn't how he wanted the question to come out.
"What I mean is...uhh..." He bit his lip and noticed another strange look on his lover's face. "It's not that I think marriage is pointless..."
His mind screeched to a halt. 'You don't? You don't think marriage is pointless?' He swallowed at that realization. For a long time that's what he thought. Marriage was pointless if all it did was end in divorce...why the change?
Matthew tried to force out the rest of his words. "I mean...It's not...pointless...but..." He screwed his eyes shut for a moment. "Merde!" Why did his words have to fail him now?!
"If marriage isn't pointless...then what is its point?" He asked, suddenly finding himself hoping beyond words that Lars would have the answer.
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Lars' expression teetered on the edge of despair. He wasn't sure he had an answer to Matt's question, but the words suddenly spilled forth as he tried to formulate his own opinion along with soothing Matt's obviously unnerved state.
"A promise. A deal--that no matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, you'll stay. I know that wasn't the case with your parents and I can't imagine how much pain that put you through… but marriage isn't all loss and breaking apart. Not always. It's standing up in front of your friends and family and saying 'I will love this person until I die and nothing will ever change that' and then following through."
Lars was shaking, his throat oddly tight and his entire being on the defense. He pressed on anyway.
"It's not just about taxes and legalities… marriage is giving yourself, everything you are and everything you might become, to the one person who will cherish it as if it were their own life. More than their own life. Joining together, vowing before everyone who is important to you… creating a bond that's deeper and more powerful than anything else in the world."
He was babbling, still feeling like the words weren't right. He had to fight the urge to run, to admit defeat and say that he couldn't explain why he believed in it so strongly.
Maybe that was the key.
"…Marriage is finding the other part of your soul and bonding it together, in this life and beyond. When words fail, when your body gives out, when all the things that are controlled by the physical start to fade, marriage connects you to the very core of the person you love and nothing can shake that."
With a shuddering breath, Lars closed his eyes and prayed that something, anything he had said would reach his love.
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He wanted to believe those things about marriage, and he felt his soul start to lighten as the ideas started to sink in. Lars had opened up and shared with him what he believed marriage to be, and quite eloquently in Matthew's opinion, even though Lars seemed to think he wasn't explaining it very well.
"I..." Matthew wasn't sure what to say, but he brought his hands up to cup Lars' face, and closed the distance between them. It was a sweet, chaste kiss, and Matthew pulled back enough to lean his forehead against Lars'.
"You're shaking..." He said softly, moving to wrap his arms around his lover's shoulders. "You really believe in marriage that much...and you have every right to believe in it. Especially since your parents seem like such a good example of what you see marriage to be. If they weren't, they wouldn't still be together, right? They love each other very much, even I can tell that, and I haven't even met them yet...at least in person..."
Matthew stayed quiet for a few moments, holding Lars, and trying to let him know through his touch that he appreciated his explanation of marriage and what it meant.
"What it...means...What marriage means, Lars. I've never heard it that way until now. And you make it sound wonderful..." He whispered, and nuzzled his boyfriend's cheek, then placed a kiss there.
He pulled back just a tiny bit, so he could speak without tickling Lars' face with his lips. "So...marriage is a deeper...I guess spiritual...connection? Not just for legal papers...A promise...a deal that's more than just...legalities..." Matthew was trying his best to process everything. He felt an odd sort of confused relief and found he wanted so badly to believe that's what marriage was.
He placed another soft kiss to Lars' cheek, then reached up and placed another kiss to his scar. "I know I can trust your promises, Lars. And I know that you'll always hold up your end of a deal..."
He wasn't sure what that meant yet, but it had sounded right in his head, even if by saying it he had confused himself even more.
He pulled away, and shook his head, as if trying to clear out the cobwebs. "Lars...the way you see marriage is beautiful...but...I'm trying to wrap my head around it. It's...it's difficult...But I'm trying." This new information from Lars on what marriage should be and was, warred in Matthew's mind against what he saw it to be.
Lars' ideals...were winning.
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"I will always keep my word. There's no way I'd ever hurt you, Matt. I may not make all the right choices, but I will never, ever do something that will knowingly hurt you…"
…the way your parents did.
Lars swallowed that last thought and stood up on shaky legs. He knew if he didn't move soon he'd collapse right there onto Matt or let his mouth get him in trouble. He hadn't met Matthew's parents, it wasn't fair to judge them harshly… but it was incredibly hard to view them with anything other than contempt when Lars repeatedly ran into all the damage they had left behind. He extended a hand to Matt.
"Can we go for a walk, liefje?" he asked, his voice much more timid than he would have liked it to be. He cleared his throat.
"I don't mean to foist my opinions on you," he began as he wound their arms together. "Take all the time you need to figure things out. I'll be here. I'll be here for as long as it takes."
Til death do us part.
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"I just haven't seen it before, you know? I mean, Mama seems pretty happy with Adam, but I don't know for sure, because I'm not there very often. And I don't know how long it will last. They've only been married two years."
He contemplated a moment. "Of course...they dated four years before that." He sighed. "I guess if they make it another four that's good, right?"
The two stopped near the back of the boat and Matthew watched the waves behind them as they sped through the waters.
"I'm glad you'll be here, by the way. Glad that you'll give me time to figure it out." he sighed, and looked at Lars. He knew that this subject had affected him rather deeply, but Matthew couldn't fathom why or how.
"I'm sorry if my perception of marriage upsets you, Lars..."
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I wish you'd let me give you a happily ever after. Matt, please don't give up on this before we even start…
He swallowed and turned his head, catching Matthew's gaze with eyes that were still turbulent.
"I wish I could take all of that from you, liefje. I'd give anything to spare you that kind of suffering."
He took a breath, considering his words.
"In the end though, I guess it's what made you who you are. You've known a lot of hurt and uncertainty, but still you choose to love and trust. I don't think you'll ever know how much I admire your strength."
And it was true. Every day Lars marveled at the kind, caring man who could have easily turned his childhood into a personal tragedy and tried to bring down those around him. But instead, Matthew continually lifted people up. Lars only hoped that one day he might have a heart half the size of Matthew's.
He glanced out to the water and tried to shake the rest of the uneasiness that still roamed his stomach.
"Do you want to keep talking about it? Or should we go get ready to jet ski?"
He smiled, but it was tinged with thoughts he still couldn't reveal to Matt, hopes that had turned to fear and dreams that seemed to dance just out of his grasp.
Give it time. Give him time.
Ever after won't happen overnight.
The thought would have to console him until Matt was ready, how ever long that might take.
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He turned to look at Lars and brought his hand up to stroke his cheek. "But thank you. For everything. Even for wanting to take away my s...suffering. But really, I didn't...suffer...not...a lot. I'm fine, really. There are people that have had it much worse than me, I'm sure." He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. He knew Lars was right, but he didn't want to fall into self pity. He'd been down that road before, and it had almost been his greatest mistake.
"Besides, the soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears..." 'Ugh...you and your quotes, do you realize how stupid you sound, ya hoser?'
Matthew ignored his inner berating as he contemplated Lars' question. Did he want to keep talking about marriage? Part of him said, yes, but part of him couldn't take the troubled look in Lars' eyes, and he knew it came from their discussion.
But why...? Why did the conversation seem to trouble him so much if he believed in marriage so strongly? Could it be Matthew's view on the subject that upset him? But Lars had said it didn't, and Matthew believed him.
"If you don't want to keep talking about, that's okay, Babe." He said, offering Lars the option to end the conversation if it made him feel more comfortable. And maybe if Lars chose to end it, then Matthew wouldn't have to. "You said my views didn't upset you, but...I'm worried that this conversation is making you uncomfortable..."
Matthew searched Lars' eyes, but he couldn't seem to read them very well. He thought he saw fear, and something else, but he couldn't be sure.
'Oh god...don't shut me out...'
"You know, Babe...You can tell me anything...okay?"
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"Uncomfortable," he repeated, a mumble that wasn't much louder than Matt's soft voice. "Uncomfortable isn't the word I'd use, liefje…"
He held Matt's gaze steady, seeing too much of his own misery reflected in those violet depths. His boyfriend's words were laced with worry and Lars couldn't take it anymore. He pulled Matthew slowly into his arms, in a hug that might have squished a more delicate man.
"I know I can tell you anything," he said against his ear. Knowing, but still holding back. It made him feel a little ill. "The same goes for you. This… this is important to me, but I didn't mean for it to turn into something bigger than it is. I'm sorry, Matt."
And with the apology, Lars lost his words. He ran his hands up and down Matthew's back in an attempt to comfort them both, falling back on their physical connection for refuge from the ache that refused to leave his chest.
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He paused, his eyes closing as Lars' hands roamed his back. It was certainly a comforting gesture and he melted even more into his boyfriend's embrace.
"I don't understand why you're apologizing, Lars. I don't see why you should..."
He considered Lars' words a moment. This was important to him...Marriage was important to him.
A thought began to form in Matthew's mind. He knew how much he meant to Lars. Sometimes he couldn't believe it, but he knew it. He knew that Lars had promised on more than one occasion that he would never leave Matthew... Lars seemed distressed about their conversation on marriage, and Matthew had wondered if his opinion on the matter had cause this distress.
'Oh god...is...is Lars thinking...?'
Matthew's heart skipped a few beats and that hope seemed to grow more, threatening to take over his entire body. He found himself hoping that maybe that small inkling might be right. Oh god, could it be right? And what if it was?
Matthew felt his face grow warm, and it wasn't from the sun shining down on them as they stood there. He felt it was almost too much to hope for...and he tried to push it away. Even though the pieces seemed to add up so well, Matthew refused to believe it was a possibility.
He swallowed dryly and pulled back to look at Lars, choosing his words carefully, and trying to mask the question in his eyes. "If...if it's that important to you, Lars. I'll try to change my opinion on it..." He smiled softly, and leaned in to touch noses with his boyfriend. His voice was soft, but he was sure Lars could still hear him. "I'll try to look at it in a more positive light. Maybe visiting your parents will help, too." He kissed Lars, soft, gentle. "You've gotten me to change my views on so many things already, Babe. Don't give up now..." He brought his hands up to cup Lars' face before sliding them to the back of his neck where he laced them together.
And then, because he couldn't help it, even though he was sure Lars would someday tire of hearing his endless quotes...
"Don't look at what you have to do, look at what you've already done..."
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And if he had, and his reaction was one of a willingness to change and examine his thoughts…
A brief flash of hope went through Lars' eyes before he closed them, touching foreheads with his love and smiling gently at his words.
They still had a long road ahead. Lars knew he would have to be patient. He had meant it when he said he'd give Matt as much time as he needed, and now Lars vowed to spend that time trying to show him everything that marriage should be. He couldn't take away the past, but he could shape the present into something that would make Matthew know he could trust in Lars and in their union in a way he hadn't been able to with his own parents.
"I won't give up on you, Matt. Just don't stop coming to me, even if we disagree on things. Deal?"
Lars sighed and pressed Matthew close, his body still humming with adrenaline but his anxiety beginning to ebb a little. He thought of the last words his boyfriend had spoken.
"…and I don't feel like I have to do anything, liefje. Loving you is not a chore, it never will be." His hands made their way to Matt's sides, caressing in movements that weren't quite as needy and desperate.
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In all truth, Matthew himself hadn't opened up to Lars completely, but he knew that his lover was getting more and more under his skin, and chipping more and more of his shell away. It was frightening and exhilarating all at once. It seemed to Matthew that it was slower going than Lars opening up to him, and he didn't mean for that. But Matthew had put on layers and layers of his shell to hide in.
He shivered slightly as Lars' hands moved. "I'm glad that loving me isn't a chore. I don't know what I do if you thought loving me was difficult." He chuckled, unlacing his fingers from the back of Lars' neck and letting them slide down to rest above Lars' heart.
That hope clawed its way back up Matthew's chest and he tried to squash it. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be possible....could it? What if it really was? He could imagine what Lars would feel if he was considering marriage, just to find out that his boyfriend didn't trust or even really believe in it. So what could he say to ease that? To smooth over the rest of the anxiety Lars must be feeling, without giving it away that Matthew thought any of that?
The it hit him. He looked Lars right in the eyes, and before he could second guess himself, he spoke.
"Look...no matter what we agree or disagree on, the bottom line to anything in our relationship is the simple fact that I love you. Because of that I would do anything for you, Lars. I would follow you blindly to the ends of the Earth, because I know you will never hurt me. And that will never change...ever."
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"I won't ask you follow me blindly, because that's one of things I love so much about you. You're your own person--smart, thoughtful, loving… I trust you because I know you think things through, that you don't tell me what I want to hear. It makes it all the more amazing when you choose to love me and let me in."
Sometimes with Matthew, the words came easier. The turbulent nature of their conversation left Lars without the energy to censor or overthink what he was saying.
"I'd do the same for you, you know. Since I met you, I've starting listening, here--" he touched his chest, just over his heart "--it's been scary as hell but worth it. So worth it." He swallowed and leaned in slowly, kissing Matt with a softness that Lars hadn't always been capable of. He had learned that he didn't need to be tough and hard and cold as he had always been. Matthew had slowly but surely melted away his defenses and re-wrote all his self-imposed rules.
The Lars of last summer would have berated himself for being so sentimental and weak. Now he knew that he was better than he had ever hoped he could be, thanks to the man in his arms.
"I'm following my heart, and so I'll follow you."
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