I GIVE UP!!!!
Another weekend at home. I graded papers until 10pm last night. My class is getting harder to teach. I had 10 that got A's but I have 4 that failed. I cant slow down anymore if I want them to be prepared for the next course. They want to take the easy way out and slow down but it's going to hurt them in the end if they're in Survey of Calculus and they dont understand this material. I feel like over half of the class is doing very well, so we have to move on even if that means leaving some people behind. Of course, some of those people choose not to study, turn in homework, and consistently come to class.
My weekend sucks right now. I'm really struggling with the food. I'm really close to giving up. I dont think I can expain how much I hate being in this body. This is not my body. At least I hope it's not. My nutritionist and psych dr keep telling me I'm holding onto a lot of fluid and it's going to be a year before my body is completly healed, but what if my body heals and stays this way. I can not accept that. I know that I use to avoid going out with friends sometime b/c I didnt want to eat but not always. People understood I had food issues and I could go out with them and have fun. But now I dont want to go out with friends at all. Part of the reason I keep staying at home on the weekends is b/c I dont want to see anybody, Well I do but I dont want anyone to see me, to see me like this. And as much as people will tell me I'm not fat, it does not change the fact that I think I'm completly disgusting. So I stay away from everybody so they dont see me like this. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I brush my hair in the living room just to avoid the mirror. You cant tell me that this is better than having an ED. I know how to keep myself quasi healthy while being ED'd, I just dont always choose to. I dont know how long it will be till I break. I've fought and fought not to weigh myself but I want to so bad. But I know if I do I will be gone. I'll stop eating.
I really am fighting but I dont know how much fight I have left. I was not this miserable when I had my ED. What do I do? Do I start cutting again to deal with how shitty I feel. Do I just give up? This sucks! No one knows for sure if my liver/heart shit is b/c of my ED. I really think I would be happier sicker and thinner. I give up!!! I hate this, this is to fucking hard.
Can someone tell me why I would want to recover? What's so great about recovery?
I GIVE UP