two characters in search of a country song
drunk.
i'm in a really bad place in my head right now. i'm not particuarly proud of this weekend. blacking out and scream and shout. cry cry cry.
i need to settle and remind myself why i came here in the first place.
and stop drinking bourbon.
and perhaps finding someone to hug on me or something. ha! actually, i shouldn't be trying to validate myself through other people, that's half the reason i came out here.
alright.
[EDIT] okay. okay.
it's been a strange year. i don't know many people that would have made the same decisions that i have. i've moved around more times than i can count. uprooted myself. being in california is like having an existential identity crisis--so much of how we define ourselves is through the eyes of our communities. our friends and family. and what i'm struggling with out here is the ability to define myself as is. how do you stand alone if both of your legs are broken?
i came out here to make a difference. to do a service, to make myself and the world a little better. but i've been fucking up! with my personal life in such shambles it's hard to focus and be professional. i've been going to work late and fucking off while i'm there. and now i'm going to be living in someone's living room for at least a month. it's going to be even harder to focus.
but that's what i've got to do.
i don't need booze and boys to give myself a personality. i'm a strong person. i'm attempting to do something brave here, and yes, it's going to be a struggle. i mean, if it wasn't a struggle, it wouldn't mean anything would it? i have a chance here to be more than i was. i should take it.
they found three lumps in my grandma's breast last friday. my mom is still doing her drug thing, and no one in my family is talking to each other. i gotta be a better person. at some point, my family is going to need me.
being hard on myself. it's what i do.
holdin' hands never seemed so far off. but that's not important right now.
xoxo
jenny
i'm in a really bad place in my head right now. i'm not particuarly proud of this weekend. blacking out and scream and shout. cry cry cry.
i need to settle and remind myself why i came here in the first place.
and stop drinking bourbon.
and perhaps finding someone to hug on me or something. ha! actually, i shouldn't be trying to validate myself through other people, that's half the reason i came out here.
alright.
[EDIT] okay. okay.
it's been a strange year. i don't know many people that would have made the same decisions that i have. i've moved around more times than i can count. uprooted myself. being in california is like having an existential identity crisis--so much of how we define ourselves is through the eyes of our communities. our friends and family. and what i'm struggling with out here is the ability to define myself as is. how do you stand alone if both of your legs are broken?
i came out here to make a difference. to do a service, to make myself and the world a little better. but i've been fucking up! with my personal life in such shambles it's hard to focus and be professional. i've been going to work late and fucking off while i'm there. and now i'm going to be living in someone's living room for at least a month. it's going to be even harder to focus.
but that's what i've got to do.
i don't need booze and boys to give myself a personality. i'm a strong person. i'm attempting to do something brave here, and yes, it's going to be a struggle. i mean, if it wasn't a struggle, it wouldn't mean anything would it? i have a chance here to be more than i was. i should take it.
they found three lumps in my grandma's breast last friday. my mom is still doing her drug thing, and no one in my family is talking to each other. i gotta be a better person. at some point, my family is going to need me.
being hard on myself. it's what i do.
holdin' hands never seemed so far off. but that's not important right now.
xoxo
jenny