It's been a while
I took some time to read some of my old journals.. Most that are not displayed to public eye haha and boy ... was I quite a fool back then. It was little bit more than a year ago and reading those journals made me realize how much I have actually grown in that time. How much I have experienced, especially in the past few months. It was only still 2 months ago when I was simply fucking happy and I think because of that I took too many things for granted. All the mistakes that I've made suddenly appeared before me. I am truly broken hearted. There is no way to explain how I feel when I come to that realization that all that... happiness ended. I don't know any more what I can really, truly do to make this better. Currently living on advices from my close friends, who do have a point, as much as I don't like it. But I simply can't give up on THIS. This was a true feeling that I had for her. I've never felt so.. sad and hurt , I can't think of anything that can come close to it. I can't watch half the movies on my computer because we either watched the together or they are her favorites. Anything that I see that’s past the date before it happen gives a sick feeling to my stomach. Seeing the things she wrote for me... the letters... the poems and the writings on my ceiling make my world turn upside down. Hope is my fuel. Hope that soon, this could all be in the past. But I know soon enough, I have to make my decision to give up and not let this hold me down to find true happiness... and even when that day comes I know that she will always be in my heart , always.
I love you Jess and I miss holding you in my arms every minute that passes by.