(no subject)
I'm tired of feeling misunderstood and alone. I'm tired of being asked what I'm thinking because I'm making a face - especially because it's usually a face I'm making because I'm chewing on my tongue ring or the inside of my cheek or I'm trying to pop my ear discretely or I feel like I'm about to sneeze or cough or worst of all fart and am trying desperately not to and then horror of horrors I need to decide in a split second whether to tell the truth and admit the semi-gross thing or come up with a lie in less than 2 seconds! And knowing me, I shamelessly admit the gross thing and then realize later (because I don't ever notice right away) that hey the person who asked me looked kinda uncomfortable after I said that, maybe I shoulda lied!
I'm trying to be weird or damaged or stupid or anything of the sort but I'm so fucking sick and tired of making excuses I just admit things now. I'm done pretending to understand things I don't. I'm done pretending to fit in or be normal because at the end of a day of wearing a fucking mask all day long, I lie in bed feeling horrible about ever little mistake I made all day long. It's not worth the pain anymore, so hello world, fyi - no I did not understand your joke, no I do not understand how to appropriately respond to that routine small talk you just made, I do not understand that I just did something socially awkward that offended you and quite frankly I do not care because you have too many fucking rules about what's appropriate and what's not and they just don't make sense to me and I DON'T CARE!
Yes I'm going to accidentally offend people or say things the wrong way or at the wrong time. And I want to talk about exactly what I'm feeling with whoever is with me at the time or better yet whoever I'm feeling it towards. I don't understand the rules about that and I refuse to try because all the time I see people being complete assholes to one another simply because they have thoughts they won't share with the person who's pissed them off. But wtf. Why can't you just tell them? "Hey, you're kinda a bitch, please quit it?" "Um, you cut in front of me in line could you please move back?" "I was really pissed off that you made that comment at the party, it embarrassed me." "I think that new shirt is way too low cut for you to be wearing without a cami underneath and I think it makes you look slutty even though you aren't. You're worth way more than that, you don't need to be oggled to feel pretty!" Instead of all that we get is people ditching their friends because they claim the friend got bitchy or slutty or how could she embarrass you at a party and be so inconsiderate and then not be able to read your mind and tell that you were offended? Oh the horror! She's so insensitive! And then people stop talking to eachother for absolutely no reason other than they were too much of a wuss to tell a friend how they really felt and maybe try to work things out.
Humanity baffles me.
Ya know what else? I'm sick of being told that my emotions don't count for anything. That my being emotional about a subject make my opinion less valid. I can know all the facts in the world but the fact that I'm crying makes my point lose it's value completely? I'm sorry but that's not right. I don't want to be dead inside about certain things - say animals being put to death because there's overpopulation in shelters. It's important that I feel sad for them because too many people don't and that's part of why those animals are there to die! It's important to cry and to feel even when it's hard because the more we go through the more experience we gain and the more determination to continue on.
So screw the whole damn world right now I'm pissed. I'm pissed at anyone who dares tell me that I can't base an opinion on how I feel. I am a great big ball of feeling and caring and loving with a little tiny brain in there somewhere to make sure that I don't get too hurt by mean people.
"because i'm diluted & PERFECTLY FLAWED
i shall LIVE BY PASSION & not by law" -Otep
The center of the human being to me is not the brain. It's the soul. The heart. Wherever your passions live. Your emotions. I think that's why I liked getting stoned...Because when I'm stoned everything feels just so much more intense and magical and deep. Every moment, every conversation. I miss getting stoned. It's been so very long.
As for how I am when I come to bed, I purposely act out of it and stuff. I try to be half fall asleep because then it's much easier to sink into full sleep. It's not the same as being drunk. In my state I remember things if I choose to. Of course there's little that's important when I'm about to enter the wild and beautiful realms of dreaming. And it would ruin all my hard made sleepiness to pull myself out and pay attention to something said to me. That said it can be easily done if I wanted to. I just don't care to. It can wait till morning and if it can't write it down for me. Sleep is hard for me to get and very very valuble so I need to take it however I can. Deal with it because with or without ambien I'll need to get into this zombie like state of half asleep before laying down for bed. It just works better that way.
The point of this entire entry seems to go back to the same basic theme. I no longer give a flying fuck about what anyone else thinks of me! And I'm gonna continue to be like that because I'm tired of living a lie. I am perfectly flawed, perfectly me, self-made after years of imitation. I'm just gonna be blunt about my feelings and not hide things as usual. I will be perfectly beautifully unapologetic for my views, my passions, my ideas and ideals. I will wear belly baring tops with confidence because my baby belly rocks! I will spray tan myself just as soon as I get out of the shower tomorrow and then if it turns out bad I'll laugh it off. I will dress is what I like, which right now is runway inspired because it's just so much fun to try to look like a model! :)
And last but definitely not least, would you please please please for the last time please stop putting me on a fucking pedestal. I am no Picasso or Robert Frost. I am not Einstein or Newton. I am one tiny insignificant blip on the surface of this planet with no real value except for that which I make for myself. I have an average IQ, simple things make me happy and complicated things confuse me and I don't care about the complicated things to learn because I have enough on my plate. I don't want to learn your fancy thinker stuff, I want to stay happy simple me with my shoe obsession and my designer clothing and pretty jewelry. I want to think about happy things with happy endings.
And no I haven't always been this way. I'm not that shallow. I used to be all into that stuff and I was depressed all the time because of that. I was always upset because I would try and try and then I'd realize that I could have all the deep thoughts in the world and all it'd do is make me more and more depressed because I'm nothing and can accomplish nothing so all I can do is sit and cry for all the suffering the world that I can't do anything to change.
Now I've realized that's not an acceptable way to live. I can't let things beyond my control destroy me. It's easier sometimes to just let someone else do the thinking, leave those ponderings to someone else. But it's not for me.
To simplify just tell yourself I'm not smart enough for all that deep thinking crap. I don't care about that deep thinking crap.
Because I'm not and I don't care. You have your great debates and I'll keep my simple opinions based on emotion rejecting the chains of thought and logic, flying free through my brain the way the best thoughts should be. Emotions are home. They're real they're beautiful, if I could abandon logic and fly free on the wings of passion for the rest of my life I would! You be the logic and I'll be the passion and we'll work because we're the two missing parts for the other and together we can conquer the world!
Someday. If you could just accept me as I am instead of the "smart" girl you think I am. Low IQ don't mean squat but numbers. Just realize that I don't care at all about debating facts blah blah blah I just wanna go to a place where I can feel everything instead of needing to think because thinking is so outta style, so last year!
I'm trying to be weird or damaged or stupid or anything of the sort but I'm so fucking sick and tired of making excuses I just admit things now. I'm done pretending to understand things I don't. I'm done pretending to fit in or be normal because at the end of a day of wearing a fucking mask all day long, I lie in bed feeling horrible about ever little mistake I made all day long. It's not worth the pain anymore, so hello world, fyi - no I did not understand your joke, no I do not understand how to appropriately respond to that routine small talk you just made, I do not understand that I just did something socially awkward that offended you and quite frankly I do not care because you have too many fucking rules about what's appropriate and what's not and they just don't make sense to me and I DON'T CARE!
Yes I'm going to accidentally offend people or say things the wrong way or at the wrong time. And I want to talk about exactly what I'm feeling with whoever is with me at the time or better yet whoever I'm feeling it towards. I don't understand the rules about that and I refuse to try because all the time I see people being complete assholes to one another simply because they have thoughts they won't share with the person who's pissed them off. But wtf. Why can't you just tell them? "Hey, you're kinda a bitch, please quit it?" "Um, you cut in front of me in line could you please move back?" "I was really pissed off that you made that comment at the party, it embarrassed me." "I think that new shirt is way too low cut for you to be wearing without a cami underneath and I think it makes you look slutty even though you aren't. You're worth way more than that, you don't need to be oggled to feel pretty!" Instead of all that we get is people ditching their friends because they claim the friend got bitchy or slutty or how could she embarrass you at a party and be so inconsiderate and then not be able to read your mind and tell that you were offended? Oh the horror! She's so insensitive! And then people stop talking to eachother for absolutely no reason other than they were too much of a wuss to tell a friend how they really felt and maybe try to work things out.
Humanity baffles me.
Ya know what else? I'm sick of being told that my emotions don't count for anything. That my being emotional about a subject make my opinion less valid. I can know all the facts in the world but the fact that I'm crying makes my point lose it's value completely? I'm sorry but that's not right. I don't want to be dead inside about certain things - say animals being put to death because there's overpopulation in shelters. It's important that I feel sad for them because too many people don't and that's part of why those animals are there to die! It's important to cry and to feel even when it's hard because the more we go through the more experience we gain and the more determination to continue on.
So screw the whole damn world right now I'm pissed. I'm pissed at anyone who dares tell me that I can't base an opinion on how I feel. I am a great big ball of feeling and caring and loving with a little tiny brain in there somewhere to make sure that I don't get too hurt by mean people.
"because i'm diluted & PERFECTLY FLAWED
i shall LIVE BY PASSION & not by law" -Otep
The center of the human being to me is not the brain. It's the soul. The heart. Wherever your passions live. Your emotions. I think that's why I liked getting stoned...Because when I'm stoned everything feels just so much more intense and magical and deep. Every moment, every conversation. I miss getting stoned. It's been so very long.
As for how I am when I come to bed, I purposely act out of it and stuff. I try to be half fall asleep because then it's much easier to sink into full sleep. It's not the same as being drunk. In my state I remember things if I choose to. Of course there's little that's important when I'm about to enter the wild and beautiful realms of dreaming. And it would ruin all my hard made sleepiness to pull myself out and pay attention to something said to me. That said it can be easily done if I wanted to. I just don't care to. It can wait till morning and if it can't write it down for me. Sleep is hard for me to get and very very valuble so I need to take it however I can. Deal with it because with or without ambien I'll need to get into this zombie like state of half asleep before laying down for bed. It just works better that way.
The point of this entire entry seems to go back to the same basic theme. I no longer give a flying fuck about what anyone else thinks of me! And I'm gonna continue to be like that because I'm tired of living a lie. I am perfectly flawed, perfectly me, self-made after years of imitation. I'm just gonna be blunt about my feelings and not hide things as usual. I will be perfectly beautifully unapologetic for my views, my passions, my ideas and ideals. I will wear belly baring tops with confidence because my baby belly rocks! I will spray tan myself just as soon as I get out of the shower tomorrow and then if it turns out bad I'll laugh it off. I will dress is what I like, which right now is runway inspired because it's just so much fun to try to look like a model! :)
And last but definitely not least, would you please please please for the last time please stop putting me on a fucking pedestal. I am no Picasso or Robert Frost. I am not Einstein or Newton. I am one tiny insignificant blip on the surface of this planet with no real value except for that which I make for myself. I have an average IQ, simple things make me happy and complicated things confuse me and I don't care about the complicated things to learn because I have enough on my plate. I don't want to learn your fancy thinker stuff, I want to stay happy simple me with my shoe obsession and my designer clothing and pretty jewelry. I want to think about happy things with happy endings.
And no I haven't always been this way. I'm not that shallow. I used to be all into that stuff and I was depressed all the time because of that. I was always upset because I would try and try and then I'd realize that I could have all the deep thoughts in the world and all it'd do is make me more and more depressed because I'm nothing and can accomplish nothing so all I can do is sit and cry for all the suffering the world that I can't do anything to change.
Now I've realized that's not an acceptable way to live. I can't let things beyond my control destroy me. It's easier sometimes to just let someone else do the thinking, leave those ponderings to someone else. But it's not for me.
To simplify just tell yourself I'm not smart enough for all that deep thinking crap. I don't care about that deep thinking crap.
Because I'm not and I don't care. You have your great debates and I'll keep my simple opinions based on emotion rejecting the chains of thought and logic, flying free through my brain the way the best thoughts should be. Emotions are home. They're real they're beautiful, if I could abandon logic and fly free on the wings of passion for the rest of my life I would! You be the logic and I'll be the passion and we'll work because we're the two missing parts for the other and together we can conquer the world!
Someday. If you could just accept me as I am instead of the "smart" girl you think I am. Low IQ don't mean squat but numbers. Just realize that I don't care at all about debating facts blah blah blah I just wanna go to a place where I can feel everything instead of needing to think because thinking is so outta style, so last year!