Aging
Earlier in the day I realized something. I had been feeling depressed all day and had no idea why. And then it hit me.
I was depressed about my birthday. I was depressed about turning 24.
I was cleaning today and I found the things I work last year for my birthday and all the memories attached. I found I had anxiety towards skirts and dresses that I'd previously seen pics of me in where I thought I looked fat in them. Most of these items of clothing didn't do anything on purpose. I was simply larger than I am now and if I were to put those things on now I'd look fine. It's just very hard to get the bad images of myself out of my head. It's hard to remember that I look good now, it'll fit. Weird thing is that I always felt beautiful, but now that I look back I think I looked horrible back then! I didn't think it back then but I do now. And some clothing can't ever be worn again just because of that...Quite sad actually.
So I packed and picked the outfits that I thought would make me feel best. And I got excited about coordinating colors and adding jewelry and accessories as usual. The amazingly fun game that is getting dressed, making the perfect outfit so that for a day I can pretend like I'm actually beautiful.
But still hanging over my head was why I was going to StL. My birthday. Not just a fun filled week of friends, but a trip planned to mark my 24th year on this planet. It doesn't seem right. Or fair! For me to be so old so fast?
Today's been a whirlwind in my mind, remembering old days. Remembering the renaissance fair with Eric or that first weekend I came to MSU to see him, or Pointfest and Ozzfest, or just drunken goofing off way back when.
Remembering Laura's parents house and sleeping over there on winter weekends with Toby when Laura's parents were out of town. Making smores at the fire place (or just huddling by the fire desperately for warmth!) Playing silly board games or goofing off in the loop during the day. Waking up and making pancakes together.
Or before that, being in the dorms at Webster, back when everything was new and exciting. I was so happy. Those apartments were just amazing to me, despite needing to fit most of my things into one room.
Or back in highschool, getting ready to go to school dances. How exciting prom was, finding the perfect dress. Working at the mall during the summer and the blackouts that happened, or the time a tornado almost chased us down the highway but then never touched ground.
Or way back in gradeschool, sitting under the awning on a lawn chair while it rained, watching the rain, reading a book, listening to Jewel or Sarah MchLachlin or Garbage.
Remembering when I used to have a cup of wine because I wanted to get drunk, but now I have a half cup casually as I type just because I was craving the taste. I sip slowly, enjoying every subtle taste as the wine rolls past my lips in little drips...And still I remember chugging MD 20/20 in my dorm room just to get drunk...Tonight's wine doesn't make me drunk. Tonight's wine is tasty and quite nice to sip before bed, but doesn't do much more than that. My brain is safe, no alterations whatsoever. Rather boring actually.
I get to see Karin again. She's going to the Otep concert with me and maybe hanging out a lot more than that while I'm in town. I'm super excited because we're just so perfect for eachother we could totally be real sisters! I feel like she's an old friend even though back when I first met her I never called her a friend officially. I hope she gets along well with Toby and Samantha. Because I think Karin is an excellent addition to our little egyptian sisterhood. I'm very proud of my friends lately. They all live far away from me, so true I could've picked people who were closer in location, but I like the friends I have. I have quality friends in these people. It took me a good long time to meet quality people who I could really connect with and feel close to but it's happened and they're awesome and location is no barrier to perfect friendships.
I've decided what tattoos I want. I'm going to get the greek letters for SAI on my ankle like I'd planned, but then I'm also going to get a tattoo on my arm that has the egyptian symbols for the first letters of my closest friends names. If I add Karin to the group that makes 3 of us, so my arm would get a snake, a folded clothe, and a basket. I think if done properly it could look very artistic and amazing. And then I'm still wanting to get Damian's name tattooed on my wrist. But I almost want to do the SAI tat first just to balance it out cause otherwise it'd be just my left arm that's decorated. Maybe they can squeeze in 2 in one day? We shall need to see about that one... That said, I probably won't get to get a tattoo this week. Which blows because I really want one bad! I think I'll just wait and be impulsive. I think that's the best plan.
Anywho, I've decided that every birthday from now on I'm gonna turn 23, until I'm ready to turn something else. That makes a huge difference. I can turn 23. 23 is okay. 23 is still 2 years from 25 which is awesome. 23 just feels like a good number.
Anyways, I should sleep. I have all these ideas to write about but no more are popping out so I guess I'll give up for the night.
I was depressed about my birthday. I was depressed about turning 24.
I was cleaning today and I found the things I work last year for my birthday and all the memories attached. I found I had anxiety towards skirts and dresses that I'd previously seen pics of me in where I thought I looked fat in them. Most of these items of clothing didn't do anything on purpose. I was simply larger than I am now and if I were to put those things on now I'd look fine. It's just very hard to get the bad images of myself out of my head. It's hard to remember that I look good now, it'll fit. Weird thing is that I always felt beautiful, but now that I look back I think I looked horrible back then! I didn't think it back then but I do now. And some clothing can't ever be worn again just because of that...Quite sad actually.
So I packed and picked the outfits that I thought would make me feel best. And I got excited about coordinating colors and adding jewelry and accessories as usual. The amazingly fun game that is getting dressed, making the perfect outfit so that for a day I can pretend like I'm actually beautiful.
But still hanging over my head was why I was going to StL. My birthday. Not just a fun filled week of friends, but a trip planned to mark my 24th year on this planet. It doesn't seem right. Or fair! For me to be so old so fast?
Today's been a whirlwind in my mind, remembering old days. Remembering the renaissance fair with Eric or that first weekend I came to MSU to see him, or Pointfest and Ozzfest, or just drunken goofing off way back when.
Remembering Laura's parents house and sleeping over there on winter weekends with Toby when Laura's parents were out of town. Making smores at the fire place (or just huddling by the fire desperately for warmth!) Playing silly board games or goofing off in the loop during the day. Waking up and making pancakes together.
Or before that, being in the dorms at Webster, back when everything was new and exciting. I was so happy. Those apartments were just amazing to me, despite needing to fit most of my things into one room.
Or back in highschool, getting ready to go to school dances. How exciting prom was, finding the perfect dress. Working at the mall during the summer and the blackouts that happened, or the time a tornado almost chased us down the highway but then never touched ground.
Or way back in gradeschool, sitting under the awning on a lawn chair while it rained, watching the rain, reading a book, listening to Jewel or Sarah MchLachlin or Garbage.
Remembering when I used to have a cup of wine because I wanted to get drunk, but now I have a half cup casually as I type just because I was craving the taste. I sip slowly, enjoying every subtle taste as the wine rolls past my lips in little drips...And still I remember chugging MD 20/20 in my dorm room just to get drunk...Tonight's wine doesn't make me drunk. Tonight's wine is tasty and quite nice to sip before bed, but doesn't do much more than that. My brain is safe, no alterations whatsoever. Rather boring actually.
I get to see Karin again. She's going to the Otep concert with me and maybe hanging out a lot more than that while I'm in town. I'm super excited because we're just so perfect for eachother we could totally be real sisters! I feel like she's an old friend even though back when I first met her I never called her a friend officially. I hope she gets along well with Toby and Samantha. Because I think Karin is an excellent addition to our little egyptian sisterhood. I'm very proud of my friends lately. They all live far away from me, so true I could've picked people who were closer in location, but I like the friends I have. I have quality friends in these people. It took me a good long time to meet quality people who I could really connect with and feel close to but it's happened and they're awesome and location is no barrier to perfect friendships.
I've decided what tattoos I want. I'm going to get the greek letters for SAI on my ankle like I'd planned, but then I'm also going to get a tattoo on my arm that has the egyptian symbols for the first letters of my closest friends names. If I add Karin to the group that makes 3 of us, so my arm would get a snake, a folded clothe, and a basket. I think if done properly it could look very artistic and amazing. And then I'm still wanting to get Damian's name tattooed on my wrist. But I almost want to do the SAI tat first just to balance it out cause otherwise it'd be just my left arm that's decorated. Maybe they can squeeze in 2 in one day? We shall need to see about that one... That said, I probably won't get to get a tattoo this week. Which blows because I really want one bad! I think I'll just wait and be impulsive. I think that's the best plan.
Anywho, I've decided that every birthday from now on I'm gonna turn 23, until I'm ready to turn something else. That makes a huge difference. I can turn 23. 23 is okay. 23 is still 2 years from 25 which is awesome. 23 just feels like a good number.
Anyways, I should sleep. I have all these ideas to write about but no more are popping out so I guess I'll give up for the night.