(no subject)
dear who ever has the time to read this (i commend you),
it's amazing how wasteful I can be with time I can't even relate to you how useful and useless time is right now. it's right at my finger tips, and there it goes, i have this dead apathy... my energy is sucked out of me and i don't want to do anything. i dont' want to read, because that requires me to think too hard.... i don't want to talk to people because i have to generate something to say... i don't want to get up, because that involves getting up and moving around...
this is little bursts of this... not all the time. but i have this great sense of two different things, wanting to be off doing a million things, but then again escaping into nothing and doing nothing. and when i say nothing... i mean doing something mindless... in fact a good example of this great mindlessness is washing dishes. if i could wash dishes... for a month? that would be great.
most of this is me wanting to stop time. i don't know why i feel this way, but i simply view turning twenty as the end of the world. i feel like my youth was stolen from me. i feel like i've wasted so much time. twenty years?! we have at least 4 rounds of those till we die (if we are lucky) and that is it. and poof, i am standing here (sitting here... rather on my bedroom floor) and have what to show for it?!
confusion? breasts? wrinkles?
i feel like school is the last thing i want to think about right now, i jsut want to think about life, the stuff i've been prepared for all my life. i want experience. i don't want to sit here and get sucked into what everyone else is onto the path of. what is the point of being aware when all i am going to do is give into the system!? what is the point of living life if all we do... is give up, get comfortable and don't get around to changing anything?
honestly... the last thing i want to do right now is homework. i don't want to do the essays that will come... do the readings that we will discuss and disect. thank you no. i want to be a little more self involved. i want to get to know me... and i get to know the world around me... i want to live life, and it's a little more simple than just doing that... i have an idea in my head.... but all i know now is that i should get a shower now so i can get into bed by 11 so i can attempt to work with the system... because resisting it thus far does nothing for my nerves.
A wonderful artist who i was made aware of tonight.
Francesca Woodman:
it's amazing how wasteful I can be with time I can't even relate to you how useful and useless time is right now. it's right at my finger tips, and there it goes, i have this dead apathy... my energy is sucked out of me and i don't want to do anything. i dont' want to read, because that requires me to think too hard.... i don't want to talk to people because i have to generate something to say... i don't want to get up, because that involves getting up and moving around...
this is little bursts of this... not all the time. but i have this great sense of two different things, wanting to be off doing a million things, but then again escaping into nothing and doing nothing. and when i say nothing... i mean doing something mindless... in fact a good example of this great mindlessness is washing dishes. if i could wash dishes... for a month? that would be great.
most of this is me wanting to stop time. i don't know why i feel this way, but i simply view turning twenty as the end of the world. i feel like my youth was stolen from me. i feel like i've wasted so much time. twenty years?! we have at least 4 rounds of those till we die (if we are lucky) and that is it. and poof, i am standing here (sitting here... rather on my bedroom floor) and have what to show for it?!
confusion? breasts? wrinkles?
i feel like school is the last thing i want to think about right now, i jsut want to think about life, the stuff i've been prepared for all my life. i want experience. i don't want to sit here and get sucked into what everyone else is onto the path of. what is the point of being aware when all i am going to do is give into the system!? what is the point of living life if all we do... is give up, get comfortable and don't get around to changing anything?
honestly... the last thing i want to do right now is homework. i don't want to do the essays that will come... do the readings that we will discuss and disect. thank you no. i want to be a little more self involved. i want to get to know me... and i get to know the world around me... i want to live life, and it's a little more simple than just doing that... i have an idea in my head.... but all i know now is that i should get a shower now so i can get into bed by 11 so i can attempt to work with the system... because resisting it thus far does nothing for my nerves.
A wonderful artist who i was made aware of tonight.
Francesca Woodman: