Late nights
Sometimes I am awake at night, just awake. I often think of my love when that happens and I just need to write down my thoughts. I have experienced so much in life recentlu. I transformed from one person to another in a year and some. I get overwhelmed by how much good there is in my life, I never want to take it for granted. I have found my love, we have a plan for the future, I am begginging fencing, I have synthesizer to make music, I am in school. What more could I ask for? Really the only thing I need now is the drive to be succesful, I lack it sometimes. It is the things in life that are most precious that take the most work. I am so excited about life though and I want to continuously try and try to be succesful. I can be a good fencer, I can be a good lover, I can be a good student...it's almost like a mantra...I guess I do need some self assurance of myself. I just know that when I lie awake I go look at a picture of mi amor and really she has never looked more beautiful and I have never felt so alone. But that happens, you feel alone in life and that will continue for a while until we move close to each other. Do you ever notice that when you have big decisions to make you tend to try to ignore them. It happens to me that way, I am so good at ignoring things. I never ignore my love, that is something that I cherish to the end. But I have paperwork and schoolwork and the like that just gets pushed aside. I mean I had 5 paychecks today because I ignored that for so long, then I ran out of money and had to deposit them. I am just in a really, what's the name called when you talk what's on your mind. Stream of conscience writing. I wish that Amanda would call, but I know that in life you don't always get what you want. It happens, but I am sad. But I shouldn't expect it. I am sad. No that's not true, I am happy, but it is tainted with...longing, self reflection. Usually self reflection and nostalgia and similar feelings have a sense of sadness. It is almost like you are lost and you are searching for yourself. What do you do when you can't find yourself and there is noone find you. I think I will go curl, but then again maybe not. Music is awesome, I put songs on repeat and listen to them over and over again. right now it's Boytronic- "Living Without You" It's sad and touching. I have also listened to Cosmosity-"Alone" I love industrial/synth pop. I love the beat, it's the type of music that I create that automatically makes it awesome. Why do you feel awesome sometimes and other times like shit? Amanda is awesome in her own right, she doesn't always see that though. I wish that I could show her how I view her in my eyes. To me she is the most incredible person to ever walk into my life. Really breathtaking. Seriously, a beautiful and charming person who deserves so much in life. It is hard when you reach out to people to touch thier lives and you don't think you do a good enough job. I know I am doing a good job. She has told me how much I have affected her life, but to me it is not enough. Or maybe it is enough but I am trying to rush change. You can't rush change it just happens, or it doesn't happen in which you accept it. That happens too. But in the end things are wonderful, but I am so hard on myself. I set high expectations of what kind of person I want to be in this world. I want to be a good lover, a good student and a good fencer. And she calls. Life is good.