(no subject)
Something special about this 4:20 time.
It seems everytime it rolls around something strikes me too write.
I don't really have much to say, just another sleepness night, due to the same reason all my other nights are sleepless, well same on content but not context really.
I'm not going into it all you know, but I just read that Billy Corgan was a huge Mick Foley fan and actually took the time out of his life to write to Foley, and how Foley helped him write better music.
Weird huh?
You don't get it?
Sigh, Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins? Smashing Pumpkins, (well any kind of Pumpkin really) just jolts images of Ashley in my head, as do a lot of things, and I just kept thinking wow that's just a strange connection, maybe I'm digging deep, maybe I"m just stupidley sentimental but it strike me, I'm all kind of that stoic manly sad puppy dog look that I get when I"m lonely or hurt or confused.
But I scratched out a Big Smashing Pumpkins Heart on my wall, that's just the way I roll, I like to keep things around me that remind of things that make me happy, that's why I feel my room up with action figures and posters all time, it's not just for a look, but because it gives me a comfort feeling, I like feeling like I belong.
The time I get to spend with Ashley, whether it be from three years ago, or the time we recently spent together, is a time I really felt like I belonged with someone, there are a few points in my life and when I feel like I belong somewhere, that I"m not the outsider of the group, that just speaks volumes to me, and I can't think of a time that when her and I were together that I felt just out of place, I've always kind of felt my place was with her.
If you haven't heard the news yet, we aren't dating now, but... but I'm going to continue to try and keep some touch with Ashley, when we first started talking this time as Kayla can attest I had no intention on dating her again that came as a complete suprise to me, but as I"ve mentioned to a few there is something in my blood when it comes to her, I'd stop the world spinning on it's axis and make sure she came first, and while I did something I"m not proud of and something not right I can't say that... shew I don't know, I don't want to go into it, but it wasn't the first time I've done something like that, ~winks at people that know~, but we aren't together now, between all the pressures of everything and only seeing each other once a week or so, plus varying doubts it's just done right now, I'm not happy about it, but I"m not going to fight it, I don't know what that means for the future, or how to explain to anyone that might be in my future, but I'd really like to keep her in touch and I hope nothing changes that, I don't want to lose my connection with her again. Three years was ridiculous to someone who at the very least I consider to be one of my better freinds and maybe one of the only people I"m "truely" loyal too. I'm not mad at her, and I can't see myself getting mad at her, and that's just absurd to my mind because I don't even think I could pretend too, I remember times I've been mad at Kayla, times I've yelled at innocent little KC and times I've thought of different ways to hurt Chris, yet even at this moment, I don't have it in me to think of some ill will or some type of hatred towards, once again that just speaks to me.
I guess what I want to do now is just hang out with some mates, go out on dates from time to time, and I guess learn to be sociable. I've become a big hit at work, people have oft asked me to do stuff with them and I turn them down I may take a few of them up on the offer I don't know. There are other secrets and things I guess I could delve into that I was thinking about anyways, that's if people don't think I'm so much of an ass for what's happend so far, I aleinated myself so much. Not a complaint just a statement I didn't feel like I needed anyone else, who knows.
I think I"m going to listen to Zwan, Gish would just ruinate me right now and I have been ruinated yet, but I don't want that old Keil thought electricity going, but I stil want to listen to some Corrigon, so I guess I'll just go post 2000 Corrigan, I like Zwan anyways, you guys that don't are a bunch of fags, or have taste. Take your pick.
but anyways, rant over.
Umm... The Road Dogg Jesse James?
Wrestlemania, and my birthday are two big upcoming events, anyone want to take bets on whether I can actually garner a social gathering for either of them?
Who knows, stranger things eh?
Keil Williams
Agent of Chaos