missing homework...alone...hermitised.

[matchstick_girl]

I've found myself sitting on my own so much recently, not doing anything. I can tell that I'm falling into a deeper depression again, because I'm not going out anywhere and I'm just completly isolating myself from everyone, which I hate, and which is going to really get thrown back in my face in college next year...I just have the worst feeling about it, I don't want it to be the same as school, but in a weird way I do. I can't go home for my lunch anymore, which is going to be so tough...I'm not going to be able to buy my own lunch in the canteen and eat it...I don't like buying food. It's just not what I like to do...I don't know where it's been. That's why I have to bring it from home, because I know where it's been, how long it's been there for...I don't trust it any other way. I know that most likely non of my friends will bring lunch from home, because maybe it's not the thing to do...how would I know...I don't know what to do anymore. I mean I know it's not exactly 'cool' or whatever...but I want my own private little spot somewhere, like really quiet and secluded, away from everyone else...because without that security I'll end up a skeleton again because I won't have eaten. I just don't want to be seen as the loner girl who goes off and eats her sandwiches in the corner of the playground....but I might just have to cope with that. I'm even considering just going to those extra work lessons at lunchtime just so I can have an excuse to eat on my own. That's what I've had to do at school the past few years if I haven't been able to go home.
I feel really bad too..because I'm scared of pushing my friends away. I'd hate to ever do that :( But it seems like my subconsious is doing it for me :( I can't control anything anymore. Worst feeling in the world.