Review
Well, I just finished taking my last final, and I'm pretty much done with school for the semester except for picking up a graded term paper tomorrow morning, and of course waiting for grades to be posted. So I guess it's time to look back at what my 4th year has been like so far.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of my friendships were weakened and possibly lost through neglect. This was entirely unintentional neglect, merely a result of me barely having enough time to take care of myself and my responsibilities. I wish I could have had more free time that could have been allotted for socializing. There were a few times, and those were quickly filled. I fit in as many people as I could as often as I could ... which wasn't very much at all. I had to schedule things in. I lived by the daily to-do lists in my agenda. Each day was a matter of going line by line and checking things off, and then shifting things over to the next day if I ran out of time. The list of things didn't even only pertain to meetings and homework assignments, but I also had to actually schedule in when I could call my mom to check in to remind her I'm alive, reminders to thaw meat for tomorrow's meal, even a note that I should take the time to trim my nails. If I didn't write it down, I forgot it. Or just didn't get around to it. Pushed it back until weeks had passed. So the to-do list ruled my life. An efficiently organized life, but unsatisfying. David, being the most regular social contact, kept me sane. He was there to hold me while I took naps, to help me cook dinner or even cook it for me so I could get more work done, and he was content just to sit next to me while I read or worked on papers. I'm glad I have him in my life, particularly these last few months. I probably would have been deeply depressed by my solitude otherwise, or have had a severe mental breakdown (rather than the couple of minor ones that I had instead). But I got through all right, and I did the best that I could in everything, even if it's not the best that I wanted to do.
I'm hoping next semester will be better. I'm hoping I will have more time to do self-satisfying things and that I can try to rebuild friendships. As much as I love him, I don't want David to be the only person I spend meaningful time with for weeks on end. There are too many other wonderful people in my life that I miss and want to see more frequently. So I hope that's possible next semester. But I'm not eager to find out, because I worry that it might just be a repeat of the stress and the drudgery of this one. So the next 3 weeks will be such a refreshing break to spend some time with others (the few that will be in town, anyway) and to experience the kinds of things that bring me personal enjoyment that I didn't have time for while I was in school. I'll enjoy that my days aren't always coming up an hour or two shorter than I need them to be.
I don't know if I'm burnt out yet, but I might be close. I'm not tired of the learning experience, because I'll always love learning and seek to further my education in some way. But I think I am tired of certain aspects of the learning environment that I'm in. I'm feeling rushed, cramped, overworked. I'm reluctant about the future, because while I want my pursuit of knowledge to continue into grad school, I'm frightened of it being more of the same feelings of being overburdened. Maybe I do need a break between here and there. But there are cons to that plan of action as well as the pros. I guess I need to step back and think harder about that. Maybe I need to find second and third and however many opinions from people who know me well. Their suggestions might be helpful.
I would say things about being changed by the experience of this school year, but that would be stupid. We won't get into the whole issue of people changing yet staying the same, and how all people change, of course they do, blah blah blah. I'm just feeling reflective and this whole entry is both silly and meaningful, it all depends on who's reading it and when. Yes, I'm babbling. Time to shut up and do some stuff for work.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of my friendships were weakened and possibly lost through neglect. This was entirely unintentional neglect, merely a result of me barely having enough time to take care of myself and my responsibilities. I wish I could have had more free time that could have been allotted for socializing. There were a few times, and those were quickly filled. I fit in as many people as I could as often as I could ... which wasn't very much at all. I had to schedule things in. I lived by the daily to-do lists in my agenda. Each day was a matter of going line by line and checking things off, and then shifting things over to the next day if I ran out of time. The list of things didn't even only pertain to meetings and homework assignments, but I also had to actually schedule in when I could call my mom to check in to remind her I'm alive, reminders to thaw meat for tomorrow's meal, even a note that I should take the time to trim my nails. If I didn't write it down, I forgot it. Or just didn't get around to it. Pushed it back until weeks had passed. So the to-do list ruled my life. An efficiently organized life, but unsatisfying. David, being the most regular social contact, kept me sane. He was there to hold me while I took naps, to help me cook dinner or even cook it for me so I could get more work done, and he was content just to sit next to me while I read or worked on papers. I'm glad I have him in my life, particularly these last few months. I probably would have been deeply depressed by my solitude otherwise, or have had a severe mental breakdown (rather than the couple of minor ones that I had instead). But I got through all right, and I did the best that I could in everything, even if it's not the best that I wanted to do.
I'm hoping next semester will be better. I'm hoping I will have more time to do self-satisfying things and that I can try to rebuild friendships. As much as I love him, I don't want David to be the only person I spend meaningful time with for weeks on end. There are too many other wonderful people in my life that I miss and want to see more frequently. So I hope that's possible next semester. But I'm not eager to find out, because I worry that it might just be a repeat of the stress and the drudgery of this one. So the next 3 weeks will be such a refreshing break to spend some time with others (the few that will be in town, anyway) and to experience the kinds of things that bring me personal enjoyment that I didn't have time for while I was in school. I'll enjoy that my days aren't always coming up an hour or two shorter than I need them to be.
I don't know if I'm burnt out yet, but I might be close. I'm not tired of the learning experience, because I'll always love learning and seek to further my education in some way. But I think I am tired of certain aspects of the learning environment that I'm in. I'm feeling rushed, cramped, overworked. I'm reluctant about the future, because while I want my pursuit of knowledge to continue into grad school, I'm frightened of it being more of the same feelings of being overburdened. Maybe I do need a break between here and there. But there are cons to that plan of action as well as the pros. I guess I need to step back and think harder about that. Maybe I need to find second and third and however many opinions from people who know me well. Their suggestions might be helpful.
I would say things about being changed by the experience of this school year, but that would be stupid. We won't get into the whole issue of people changing yet staying the same, and how all people change, of course they do, blah blah blah. I'm just feeling reflective and this whole entry is both silly and meaningful, it all depends on who's reading it and when. Yes, I'm babbling. Time to shut up and do some stuff for work.