I've neglected my entire life.

[matchbookblondi]

Where to begin? it's been months since my last update. I don't even know If I could come to terms with what is going on. My life is now offically turned upside. All of the control and desire and everything I've worked for has slowly been pulled from me. Despite my efforts to keep my life together have failed and I am not far from rock bottom. I've been told things will get worse before they get better. I've been told things will get better, I have been told things will never be better and my life is litterally one big ball of twine. I had to give up junior olympic volleyball. The travel was too much, the exhaustion was unbarable. I felt like a failure and I cried. Things happened with Mrs. M, My softball coach.. and a lot of other people and it has completely transformed my life. I have changed from a strong and independent person to a weak and self-destructing person. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my condition that I can not bring myself to post about it here, not yet, as an open forum. I had to give up softball. My whole life. Sports are my life and I can no longer play them. My body is not able to take the abuse, the workouts, the stress, the pressure. The problem and trigger is found here withen the words of my lifejournal. Never before did I realize just how much volleyball changed my life. For the best and worst. I'm in search of something.. something I am unaware of. I am relying on so many people, to pull me through this because I can't do it on my own. I want help, I do, I want it so badly, but how can you get help when you can't always see the problem. In a way I want to post my life to all of you out there. (Not that anyone reads this) but I can't. I still can't admit I have a problem, nor am I willing to do anything about it. as much as I hate what coach and mrs. m have done, when this is all over I have to thank them with every ounce of my body because in the long run I feel as if they may have saved my life. I couldn't ever repay them, nor anyone else. This is my struggle, my journey and my problem to fix. I just hope the people who are going through this recieve the same love and support I am, because I don't know what I would do without it.

xox comment please. it's been a while.
-amy