getting shit off my chest
Okay, I warn you right here and now, this may be triggering. This may be a big pile of whining. This is most likely going to be me complaining, and swearing, and writing about how tired I am of all this shit. If you don't wanna hear it, don't read it. I'm not forcing you to.
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I'm fucking tired of all this shit.
I'm lonely. I'm sitting in this apartment, all by myself, talking to someone in an IRC channel about anything and everything, just so I can fill up some of the loneliness with my senseless rambling. I'm bored. Tulo's parents are going to be coming over next week, and I'm having a hard time acting like tulo, as I said in the last post. At least she's been coming to the outside a little bit lately. Only for about 5 or 10 minutes when no one else is around, but she's around, and that's what matters.
I want to cut. Yes, I want to. I'm probably not going to, but I really do want to. Maybe. I'm sick of internalizing all the hurt, and anger, and hate, and there's not much stuff left in tulo's room to throw about. I'm moving all the furniture around tonight, so I can see if I feel any safer with everything changed about. I need to gut everything out. There's a large pile of clothing in the storage closet. I'll need to wash it all. I just tossed everything that was on the floor into one big pile. Clean, dirty, everything. The smart card is nearly empty.
I'm tired of not feeling safe. As I said to Jeri last night, I'm a fucking protector and I don't even feel safe in my own apartment. I attempted to put up the curtain, sort of, on my window. I don't have a curtain rod. I wonder if they sell them at the dollar store. Maybe I'll go on an outing by myself. I've been escorted everywhere for the past week and a half.
Elizabeth's system went to the hospital today. Jeri was helping me through so much, and now I can't even get to the e-mail he sent to us this morning, 'cause the e-mail that tulo was using seems to have gone 404. I know they didn't really have any other choice, but I'm feeling abandoned. I have one of the beanie babies that Larisha sent us when she was a little, sitting on top of my monitor. It makes me sad. I miss her. I'm lonely again.
No one's even layering with me yet today. Not that I can feel anyway. Maybe that's why I feel so very alone. I think I wrote yesterday, and he didn't write anything back to me. I'm tired of all this. I'm so fucking tired.
I'm sad. Right now, I'm not angry, I'm not full of hate, I'm not irritated. I'm sad. I'm feeling lost and abandoned. There's a red line on the back of my hand where I was scratching it 'cause it's dry. I want to cut. I'm feeling detached right now. Not connected to anyone.
I'm depressed. I can't be bothered to complain anymore. You'll probably hear more later.
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I'm fucking tired of all this shit.
I'm lonely. I'm sitting in this apartment, all by myself, talking to someone in an IRC channel about anything and everything, just so I can fill up some of the loneliness with my senseless rambling. I'm bored. Tulo's parents are going to be coming over next week, and I'm having a hard time acting like tulo, as I said in the last post. At least she's been coming to the outside a little bit lately. Only for about 5 or 10 minutes when no one else is around, but she's around, and that's what matters.
I want to cut. Yes, I want to. I'm probably not going to, but I really do want to. Maybe. I'm sick of internalizing all the hurt, and anger, and hate, and there's not much stuff left in tulo's room to throw about. I'm moving all the furniture around tonight, so I can see if I feel any safer with everything changed about. I need to gut everything out. There's a large pile of clothing in the storage closet. I'll need to wash it all. I just tossed everything that was on the floor into one big pile. Clean, dirty, everything. The smart card is nearly empty.
I'm tired of not feeling safe. As I said to Jeri last night, I'm a fucking protector and I don't even feel safe in my own apartment. I attempted to put up the curtain, sort of, on my window. I don't have a curtain rod. I wonder if they sell them at the dollar store. Maybe I'll go on an outing by myself. I've been escorted everywhere for the past week and a half.
Elizabeth's system went to the hospital today. Jeri was helping me through so much, and now I can't even get to the e-mail he sent to us this morning, 'cause the e-mail that tulo was using seems to have gone 404. I know they didn't really have any other choice, but I'm feeling abandoned. I have one of the beanie babies that Larisha sent us when she was a little, sitting on top of my monitor. It makes me sad. I miss her. I'm lonely again.
No one's even layering with me yet today. Not that I can feel anyway. Maybe that's why I feel so very alone. I think I wrote yesterday, and he didn't write anything back to me. I'm tired of all this. I'm so fucking tired.
I'm sad. Right now, I'm not angry, I'm not full of hate, I'm not irritated. I'm sad. I'm feeling lost and abandoned. There's a red line on the back of my hand where I was scratching it 'cause it's dry. I want to cut. I'm feeling detached right now. Not connected to anyone.
I'm depressed. I can't be bothered to complain anymore. You'll probably hear more later.