last stitch effort
Incidentally: I am not a bad person. The equation of drug addict = bad person. The markings of bad decisions that follow. It's sad. I am too sensitive. Do I have a right to be? Do people honestly have the right to hold against me things that they don't have any information about?
Since when do random strangers have the right to harass me about -- well anything that is not their business. How to I respond to aggressive and passive aggressive lunges towards me? Why do people feel the need to push their beliefs onto me while not fully understanding the situation. I'm sorry -- why do I offend you so much? What is it about me that is so horrendously bad that makes it okay to treat me like shit? Have I really fucked up so much that it is now a free-for-all to attack me?
Or do you just resent me now? Because I'm slowly getting better and all of the sudden you can't dismiss me as the drunk anymore. as the junkie. as the person who constantly makes bad decisions and whom needs your pity? I'm sorry. I never needed your pity. All I wanted from you was to be supportive. To say, on occasion, good job staying clean. Hey, how are you doing? You wanna get coffee and check out a bookstore? To answer my calls on occasion. Because I would have been there for you. Because if you had gone through an inch of what I have maybe you would understand. I pity you now. I pity the sheltered life you live.
I wish the best. Honestly, I do. I can't stand the resentment and the using and abusing anymore. I am sick of being taken advantage of and then being resented for asking it to stop. I'm tired of being resented simply because I come from an upper-middle class family. I am tired of being pigeoned holed as that. I am more than the sum of my father wealth.
Not that it matters. Who reads this anymore? No one. Fuck it all. It's all for me.
It would be nice to get a phone call from any so called friends who haven't bothered to call me once in the last year. Friend is too generous. Acquaintance? Also too kind. People I used to know but now think they are better than me? Sounds about right.
It funny when you go through your phone book and realize that half the numbers in there are people who will never just say "Oh hey! I haven't seen/talked/hung out with Tamarah in a while! I hope she's doing okay -- let's give her a buzz and see" and rely on myself solely to keep the "friendship" alive. It's not really a friendship if you're too apathetic to call. And whenever I do bring this to light with a couple of the said people it's always "you're much better on the phone than I am!" or "I don't ever call anyone. It's not you." Oh. I see. Well, if you don't ever call anyone why are you always out? Why, when we are on the phone, do you say "oh! I forgot! I have to call ____ about this thing we're doing." or "Oh! I gotta take this call! It's ___ calling me back". I'm sorry for being angry but the double standard I get is fucking ridiculous. I deserve the same amount of respect anyone else does. And if I don't measure up in your books as an equal then there is no reason fort this facade of a friendship to continue.
Don't fucking patronize me. I am not a simpleton. Assholes.