someone told me that i was the most beautiful creature they'd seen in years... but i didn't care.
trying to explain depression to a person who can't even grasp being sad for more than two hours is difficult. it's frustrating when they think it's completely your fault because you can't live in the moment and be happy to just be alive. sometimes being alive doesn't FELL good enough when it's painful. im trying to keep my head up when i feel like my jaw is being ripped downwards. but i take a deep breath and try to just be okay and slow my brain down. im falling apart which causes my life to feel like it's slipping through my fingers. im failing at my job because my kidneys can't keep up. which makes me feel like a failure causing me to suck at being social. i think i hate it the most when my depression effects other people emotions so much. it makes me feel guilty and want to hide in a corner. things like this pass over i just need to get my shit together and control my thoughts before i go out to deal with reality. my brain fires more quickly than i can actually keep up with. i think i really need to change my lifestyle. i don't do well with doing the same fucking thing every week. work 5-6 days a week, come home and be a bum, maybe hang out with people at a party, end up feeling weird and observing, go home too late, fall asleep, have to work the next day and do the same fuckin thing at work i've been doing for 6 months. i need to take a class, work less. but i need to pay off debt and save money so i can move. i can't not work, because i cant ask my parents for money for everyday things. i hate feeding off of people, it makes me feel helpless and to me that's the worst feeling in the world. helplessness. it makes me feel ill. im always sick and i always feel exhausted and the need to lay down all the time. i feel gross and completely unattractive. when people tell me im good looking i feel like they're looking at a mask. that if they saw all of me they would cringe. i can't ever take them seriously. i think i still hide behind things so that i wont go back to what i was from 4th-10th grade. i couldn't talk to people really, i didn't really know how expcept my two only friends once 7th grade hit. rose and alex. anyway, im confusing myself right now because my brain is being spastic and i can't think straight. what it comes down to is i need change and be okay with having more flaws than most people and stop hiding so much.