Samhain 2015
I started to make my list; i should keep an ongoing one because I wrack my brain every year, somehow, i have to remember the whole list, every year. Alysa, Paul, Donna, Todd, Halsey, Patrick, All The Grandparents, Aunt Mary, Aunt Alma, Cathy, L., Yareak, Anna, Loli, Do I include David who i went to highschool with, and Julia who was at SisSub1? How many years past and what proximity? Jackie from TN who i knew by face and sometimes name and hello around the fire but half my facebook feed was memorializing her for weeks. Greg, Regina my formative spiritual advisor. Ha! of course, no question about beautiful Ha!, the hours of flipping through Martha Stewart living and the best game of nature of the adverb I have ever played. Kiss me Vicariously in the After life. Johnny G. as well, who gave me so much love and confidence as i fought LPN school. Blair, whose songs haunt me. Hadley, shit, did she really die? Yeah, she did.
Hadley nursed me through a bad breakup and the accompanying madness while I was staying in her town, the last time i saw her. The last time I busted my own head was in her guest room; this crazy queer ex debutante whom i hadn't seen in ten years, who welcomed me like we'd never missed a beat. And that was ten years ago. She was a beautiful mess, a focal point in my college queer scene, at once opulent, belligerent, and gorgeously irreverent. I watched my first gay pornos in her home right off campus, and rolled my eyes at the drugs and her expensive kitchen ware gifted by her parents, my little straight edged punk self. She credited me for other debaucheries, but, damn, it was so long ago, who remembers? Later I was so grateful for her lack of judgement, her unconditional support in my state of madness. Amelia told me she died and I kind of forgot till I made this list. This is the first time she made this list.
I had another paragraph of generalized reflection or something, but that feels like platitudes, so i deleted them. I hate this list because i never know who i've missed; I'll wake up in the middle of the night with a story at the tip of my tongue, perhaps. Or, I'll just have one of those dreams about my father which haven't exactly gone away in 20 years.
Hadley nursed me through a bad breakup and the accompanying madness while I was staying in her town, the last time i saw her. The last time I busted my own head was in her guest room; this crazy queer ex debutante whom i hadn't seen in ten years, who welcomed me like we'd never missed a beat. And that was ten years ago. She was a beautiful mess, a focal point in my college queer scene, at once opulent, belligerent, and gorgeously irreverent. I watched my first gay pornos in her home right off campus, and rolled my eyes at the drugs and her expensive kitchen ware gifted by her parents, my little straight edged punk self. She credited me for other debaucheries, but, damn, it was so long ago, who remembers? Later I was so grateful for her lack of judgement, her unconditional support in my state of madness. Amelia told me she died and I kind of forgot till I made this list. This is the first time she made this list.
I had another paragraph of generalized reflection or something, but that feels like platitudes, so i deleted them. I hate this list because i never know who i've missed; I'll wake up in the middle of the night with a story at the tip of my tongue, perhaps. Or, I'll just have one of those dreams about my father which haven't exactly gone away in 20 years.