Why can't I be happy?
What the hell is going on with me?
Why can't I find true happiness. Why am I the straight gay guy. I don't want random hook ups, I don't meaningless sex, I really don't even want sex. I just want to find a guy to spend time with and share feeligns with. Like tonight, I'm home on long island, at a party where all my friends are. I get a phone call and go outside on the back porch and talk. No biggie, its just my co-worker from target. Fine, then I start thinking how nice it would have been to have a boy with me, right at the very moment. where everyone was inside playing beer pong, where me and him could be outside cuddling to stay warm, and share a few kisses possibly. But no, everyone I ever meet is just drama! I can't stand it anymore. I try to be as nice as possible, and yet it seems to only fuck me over in the end. I give up with it all. I'm never going to find happyness, and I just have to face the facts. Please, I couldn't find a single cute boy on long island, and yet I know some people who seems alwyas find them, and have a some sort of relationship happen. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I find that someone. I know i'm ranting, but I'm tired of this bullshit.
Today has just been a really bad day. To much depressing stuff, and I just can't handle it anymore. I really need to go into solitude for awhile just to beat this depression out of me. But I know thats not going to happen because now I have roommates and friends who won't let me be. Granted I know they mean well, but still. I don't like being forced to go out. Besides, I everytime I go out with them, two things either happen. I either cause drama, or I drink and feel barely a buzz and waste about 50 bucks.
I can't stand 1 of my roomates. he's a slob. Completly gross and Imature. Ie: I left the reaming soup of ramn on the table in the kitchen for a second cause I had to check my computer, I come back to it, maybe 5 minutes later and I find Niel standing in front of it, saying how he shouldnt have tasted that cause he didnt know what it was. WHat if i wasnt done eating and didnt catch him, would he have told me he sipped it? probably not. Granted he has his personal background and conditions, but he seriously needs to shape up. When he does the dishes, its only cause I ask him to, and even then he does them poorly where food is still on teh plates. And then when you bring it up to him, he says their clean enough to eat off of still. I'm sorry, but NO. He is so foul, I just cant stand it. And like when I go shopping at Bj's or Costco, he gets mad that I spent money which i'm not asknig for, so that we have water and food in the apartment. and the first thing he says when he walks in, is what the hell is this. Who buys junk food and water!. I'm sorry, but the other 4 roomates dont drink tap water, if you dnot want to pay for the water just tell me, and i'll deduct it from the bill of your portion when you actually do have to chip in,. But I dont want to see him drinking any like i always see him doing.
Ugh, I can't my roomate, I can't stand boys, I can't stand stupid High School drama, I can't stand drama in general. And worst of all I can't stand myself. I hate me for being me. I wish I was different. Where I didnt' care so much about my friends, I wish I didnt hate myself so much when I have to be mean that I get sick to my stomcah. I wish I could tell my family "the truth", I wish my mother wasnt mentally insane, I wish my brother had common sense, I wish my father wasnt a stubborn relgious german.
I'm sick of my family, I'm sick of people....
And the few people that make me happy, either have issues with some other friend of mine, or make me feel guilty for hanging out with one set of friends and not the other. Or they just up and decide to transfer away after the first semester instead of stayign for the whole year in which they alreayd paid for already!
I give up!
I HATE LIFE!!!
Why can't I find true happiness. Why am I the straight gay guy. I don't want random hook ups, I don't meaningless sex, I really don't even want sex. I just want to find a guy to spend time with and share feeligns with. Like tonight, I'm home on long island, at a party where all my friends are. I get a phone call and go outside on the back porch and talk. No biggie, its just my co-worker from target. Fine, then I start thinking how nice it would have been to have a boy with me, right at the very moment. where everyone was inside playing beer pong, where me and him could be outside cuddling to stay warm, and share a few kisses possibly. But no, everyone I ever meet is just drama! I can't stand it anymore. I try to be as nice as possible, and yet it seems to only fuck me over in the end. I give up with it all. I'm never going to find happyness, and I just have to face the facts. Please, I couldn't find a single cute boy on long island, and yet I know some people who seems alwyas find them, and have a some sort of relationship happen. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I find that someone. I know i'm ranting, but I'm tired of this bullshit.
Today has just been a really bad day. To much depressing stuff, and I just can't handle it anymore. I really need to go into solitude for awhile just to beat this depression out of me. But I know thats not going to happen because now I have roommates and friends who won't let me be. Granted I know they mean well, but still. I don't like being forced to go out. Besides, I everytime I go out with them, two things either happen. I either cause drama, or I drink and feel barely a buzz and waste about 50 bucks.
I can't stand 1 of my roomates. he's a slob. Completly gross and Imature. Ie: I left the reaming soup of ramn on the table in the kitchen for a second cause I had to check my computer, I come back to it, maybe 5 minutes later and I find Niel standing in front of it, saying how he shouldnt have tasted that cause he didnt know what it was. WHat if i wasnt done eating and didnt catch him, would he have told me he sipped it? probably not. Granted he has his personal background and conditions, but he seriously needs to shape up. When he does the dishes, its only cause I ask him to, and even then he does them poorly where food is still on teh plates. And then when you bring it up to him, he says their clean enough to eat off of still. I'm sorry, but NO. He is so foul, I just cant stand it. And like when I go shopping at Bj's or Costco, he gets mad that I spent money which i'm not asknig for, so that we have water and food in the apartment. and the first thing he says when he walks in, is what the hell is this. Who buys junk food and water!. I'm sorry, but the other 4 roomates dont drink tap water, if you dnot want to pay for the water just tell me, and i'll deduct it from the bill of your portion when you actually do have to chip in,. But I dont want to see him drinking any like i always see him doing.
Ugh, I can't my roomate, I can't stand boys, I can't stand stupid High School drama, I can't stand drama in general. And worst of all I can't stand myself. I hate me for being me. I wish I was different. Where I didnt' care so much about my friends, I wish I didnt hate myself so much when I have to be mean that I get sick to my stomcah. I wish I could tell my family "the truth", I wish my mother wasnt mentally insane, I wish my brother had common sense, I wish my father wasnt a stubborn relgious german.
I'm sick of my family, I'm sick of people....
And the few people that make me happy, either have issues with some other friend of mine, or make me feel guilty for hanging out with one set of friends and not the other. Or they just up and decide to transfer away after the first semester instead of stayign for the whole year in which they alreayd paid for already!
I give up!
I HATE LIFE!!!