driving me nuts.

[masterofyou1125]

Sad to say but my mom hasn't changed a bit from the time she was an alcoholic to now. Shes still the same, talks the same, selfish like always, and best of all just rude. I don't mind helping her to her appointments, but when it comes time for me, its no, I can't bc I have to take care of mom. Sigh, its just tough b.c I'm 20, about to live life, but its on hold.  The last times now people ask why I'm not in college and making a life, I told them I'm not b.c of personal choice *still don't know what I wanna do* and two, two important family members got sick *one passed, the other being my mom*. I really exhausted and sad all the time. I gained 15, 15lbs! this summer from stress and eatting to confort me. I never had time to work out b.c of doctors and visits to see her in the hospital, then working two jobs. I mean, I'm not saying my life is hard and I'm bitching, but its the fact, I'm trying really hard to help her, but she won't help herself. Shes just selfish and tells me "I" have to get her there. She has transportation and the CAT bus here, wtf? I know theres people out there in a lot worse situations, but I'm just sad that shes had drank her life away, when I was 10, I had told her she was embarressing for me b.c at all the softball games she would fall or slur words when talking. And best yet drinking at the field in the cars with the moms. Sigh, it sucks. It was hard being 15 and telling her she was an alcoholic bc we'd hear her cracking a beer 9am in the morning everyday. I do have to say my mom hadn't had the best life either with men, her family, and deaths. But it just sucks that shes not supportive for me about school or even convincing me to go, shes taking advantage of me and using me to get where she needs to go like my brother Jason. UGh. My brother Jay was stopped this month on a motorcycle with no license, helmet, papers for the vehical etc. He was arrested then has a court case this next month to tell him hes put in jail for another 60days b.c this isn't his first offence. He was doing so well this last two years, but bad habits die hard. I mean, its okay to drink and smoke weed...but the fact hes just losing a grip of life and is falling back into depression as the black sheep. I tried helping him the other day when I picked him up and when we were talking. He got really sad b.c his life isn't really going too well. He was in jail four yrs ago, then was in AA for a yr, had a PO for two years, then last yr and this one, he fell back into the same people. Its just sad b.c we know what kind of people they are, losers, and hes just better then that. Its hard to cut all relations with people that were assoc. when you get in trouble, but its just sad seeing him go back to them.

I'm turning 21 this yr. the 25th. Wow, I can't believe its finally here, then all down hill from here. I still have a lot of things I have planned for next yr.. Like Snowboarding, Rafting next summer the carolinas, Back packing in South America in Venezula, and last but not lease, Ultra Music Festival in Miami. Looking forward to next yr, and its exciting in life to have something to look forward to then just sitting around doing nothing. Man, 21 in a week and four days.

I know my journals jump around and don't really focus on one subject, but I'm working on it.