my story
ever since i knew what love was, thats all i ever wanted in life...to be loved, have children, a nice house, job, ect. i lived a pretty sheltered life, aways feared school and people. i didn't know how to trust people because people in my life had always been untrustworthy or broken mine. a daily life for me would be go to school, hope and prayed the day would go by quick, then come home, listen to parents complain about money, food, family, my brother, or something like that. i mean my parents weren't horrible to me, they just sheltered me from socialization and didn't want me to be in the lime light of any possible drugs, alcohol, sex or those sorts of problems. they never would let me hang with a friend, or if i got to it was rare. anyways, i didn't like my life at all. i hated school, the people, myself, i always tried to keep EVERYONE happy except myself. and to quote a friend who posted something about this the other day... "if you spend your life making others happy, its not your life, its theirs" which to me is true. i've always let others control me to an extent. i still do try to make others happy but myself.
until i hit my sophomore year of school, i wasn't doing too bad, but that one day i found out that one person i trusted with my secret outted me on a created school rumor website..my world was crushed and destroyed from that day. everyone knew my secret that i screwed around with my cousin, which at that time i didn't want anyone to know... i became so depressed because people knew about it, talked behind my back, confronted me, and wanted to make me commit suicide just like almost any other kid who gets bullied. i use to be at a decent weight size, of maybe 32? or less then i grew into bigger sizes really quick, i ate and ate until i felt better, and eventually before i realized it, i had stretch marks every where and was very fat. i grew even more depressed because of the stretch marks, i basically claimed i was ugly and was afraid of showing any part of my body. school still was bad for me until my junior year of school when i got to spend a lot of my time in school away at my internship or teachers i liked. my junior year flew by and finally my senior year was upon....i regret never going to prom...watching glee made me wish i wouldn't had ever told April no that i wasn't going. i wish i wouldn't had graduated mid-term and missed out on a lot of fun of my final school year. i began my adult life too quickly.... i started college and eventually couldn't get the aid for it so i gave up and focused on work only.
i spent most of 2006-2008 being scared of being gay and not knowing what to do about it. i wanted to date girls and make my parents happy and have kids, but i knew deep inside that wasn't who i am. every time i tried, i failed because i was afraid to go socialize since i was held back from meeting new people. always afraid of what people were going to think of me. of course the whole time was a big blur until 2008 when my grandpa died....that hit home hard. a death like that has never hit me so bad. i was getting very close to my grandpa while before hand we weren't. we were actually talking to each other and interacting more often, then one day i was told he had a heart attack and was in the hospital. both visits i had with him, he seemed great and got to come home for a day or 2, then went back for a few checkups and they kept him one night...and i had to wake up early at 3am one morning to be told he died :-( i didn't know what to do. i guess i regret not spending more time with the ones i love was the lesson to be learned from that. i spent at least 2 months after his death, listening to Mariah Carey's Bye Bye hundreds of times, crying myself to sleep each time. I grew angry and lashed out at everything and everyone, i was literally ready to die myself.
During that time frame i grew closer to my best friend Dustin. we worked together at DG, and he knew how to keep me sane and happy. we would always hang out and do things. i started to have deep feelings for Dustin, especially after his break up with an ex. Dustin knew how to make me smile, laugh, and gave me that warm feeling. One night after we went to watch a movie early in July, i told him i loved him and wanted to be his bf..he graciously denied me. I was so upset that i cried the entire night and woke up with my pillow literally soaking wet. i left my yahoo and msn messengers on, because i had a couple chats with dustin after i got home that night. i tried a couple times to stick my face in the pillow that night to kill myself but i failed each one. i work up to this message from Tony Allen...someone i've said hello to a couple of times on bear411 and so on. he was at school and wanted to see if i wanted to go watch Wall E...i really was in no mood to, especially since i had to work, so i decided what the hell and went with the flow. that evening we met at the theater parking lot, went to sonic so he could eat some tator tots and have some kind of drink. then made it to the movie. during that whole movie i was wanting to hold his hand SO BAD. he had this sweet, cute, sexy smile that i couldn't resist. after the movie we hung out in the parking lot, and chatted about things in life for nearly 3 hours or more. i was completely falling for this guy who i had only met once. when we decide to depart, we both knew inside we wanted to kiss each other but we hugged instead and left.... only for each of us to texting one another wishing we would had kissed. after that day a great friendship had started. we both would hang out nearly every week, sometimes twice a week. i kept falling hard and in love with Tony. he had the same personality as me even though we didn't have much of the same interests besides men, music, movies and video games lol. we had a special bond and still do. one night he knew i had something going on in my mind and i knew it was too soon to even be feeling this way but i told tony i loved him and wanted to be with him everyday....of course i didn't get the answer i wanted. i wasn't his type. i was upset but i still wanted our friendship. still to this day i do love him.
as time went along up till around August i met a guy named Dave who i was falling hard for..yeah i know 3 guys in that period of time, i couldn't help it, he made me feel good by holding onto me, saying things i liked, had a beautiful apartment home, i was visualizing a life with him. well that turned out to be a flop when it turned out he was seeing someone else when i told him i had feelings after a couple months of talking. so i pranked called him one night and our friendship went to hell that day. luckily he has became a friend of mine again. dave is a great guy!
after that reality failed, tony and i went on a trip to New Orleans (not sure how much of the time order i have correct) but i needed this vacation and away from my life because i was tired of failing and always being second best. i refinanced my car to get the money to go. that trip changed my life. i got to see that its really ok to be me. tony helped me over time to become comfortable with myself. i got to see the gay life up close and personal. i had so much fun on that trip. it really helped change my perspective on life.
after the trip life went back to normal...i spent up until november doing work,school and hanging with tony. then one night while me and tony were hanging out, we went to greenwood to see john, a guy that tony really liked and was both of our friend. this whole time i felt like a 3rd wheel, because they were always all over each other kissing or flirty, while i had to sit back, watch and wish it was me. my self esteem was so low that night. while we were having dinner at a restaurant i started to get texts from these 2 guys that i was chatting to earlier that summer on bear411 named Mike and Mike (MJ) we had chatted a couple weeks before while they were out getting their World of Warcraft expansions and wanted me to call them LOL. i never did.... but back to the story, they were trying to cheer me up while tony was busy with john. and both of them told me i should put my phone away cause i was texting a lot... i didn't want to and in my head i was very pissed at that comment. on the way back to our car, cause john picked us up in greenwood, john and tony were making out while driving......this annoyed me in a lot of ways. i wanted to get to my actual home ASAP...the whole ride back to tony's house we barely said one or two words. till this day i've never told him about that story. i think after that point and time our friendship was going into a "break time"
i started chatting with mike and mj more and more and eventually met them and fell in love instantly. they swept me off my feet, they were complete sweethearts and made me feel like i was melting all the time. in that time i wrecked my car twice heading home from seeing them, and then moved in. i also had a few flaws that i carried on that i wish i would had never started. i was a big snoop and was worried about what and who mike and mj were talking to. i wanted to know what was going on, if they were screwing someone else, if they were saying bad things about me or what? i found a couple interesting convos on both sides at times. me being me i wanted monogamy, no one else involved except us and they had these profiles from A4A or manhunt or gay.com. i kept trying to get them to delete these profiles and they never would until i went psycho enough. it did upset me that they never did when i first requested. life in fort wayne sucked at first, i hated my transfer from DG...i wanted to always be home with the guys, always afraid i was going to miss out on some action, little things like that took over and made me insane. eventually i got on an ok job that was alright for the time being. well..later on that late summer, i caught one of mj's conversations on yahoo and he had met up with a guy and had sex. i was HEART BROKEN, i was already packing my bags and crying, texting MJ and Mike and the dude asking why, MJ denied that he didn't do it. i called dad and he told me to come home..i had no one else to talk to about it and dad knew i was upset. i went to MJ's store and confronted him..as much as i wanted to bash his face in, i refrained from it cause thats not the type of person i am. he denied that he didn't do it while the guy said they did. i knew in my heart they did. i guess its my fault for pressuring him into it and feeling guilty cause i was always out to nail him for screwing around. that wasn't my intention. i was looking out for myself to not get hurt, but at the same time be discreet about not being caught for snooping. this is my first relationship and i didn't want it to be fucked up.
i decided to give it hope and a second chance....a month or so later i screwed around with a guy up the road to get back at MJ, and then eventually a blowjob from the guy who screwed MJ then another guy later on. I wasn't proud of myself but i guess i was taking my anger out and having sex with other guys. plus our sex life wasn't the greatest at that time. Mike was starting to hit depression and it took a toll on our relationship. Mike wasn't happy with where he was as far as work, and his testostorum was low. the doctors couldn't figure anything out...me and mj done everything possible to make him happy. i eventually was getting tired of him lashing out, getting angry with me or him or his mom. he treated everyone around him horribly. i was becoming depressed again and questioning the relationship. at this time i had been chatting with my friend Sean A. ....we were becoming close friends and i was growing feelings for him. off and on we had slight arguments about me leaving to be with him. i never did because i didn't want to give up on love, mike, mj, and especially during the time mike needed us the most. late in 2010 i was at a point that i was wanting to give up and actually move on. mike had been on this attitude problem for over a year and i wasn't ready to continue with it. so i had set myself a date, one month till decemeber for things to get better or i was done. a miracle happened and mike got the right medication and ever since has gotten better. the after effects still linger with me and its been a battle with me, but i believe i will heal.
in that time of his depression it took me a year to get MJ to admit he had sex with that first guy. yeah it took me just as long to tell him what i did but i wanted his confession first. then again early this year he had sex with another guy. i knew inside i didn't need to be upset but i was, because i figured we were going to become a whole family again and the past would be forgotten, but those memories came back. i forgave him for it and moved on... finally i came out with the guys i played around with and felt like it was time to start a new clean slate. i hurt mj enough over the past 2 years with calling him a whore even most of the time it was joking in a sense, i didn't use that term literally, but more so "Schlampa" a german term for slut.
i feel horrible for hurting him like that, i never meant to...if i knew it was hurting him that bad i would had gave my ring back and said give it to me when i deserve it. i don't deserve it in my opinion. i've been a coward, untrustworthy of others and myself, i have built anger issues, and i'm sure there are more things.... i just want to have a family, a house, our animals in a quiet household alone, have friends over, and enjoy life. i don't think i've made life that enjoyable the past 2 years. i've made it miserable. i've taken out all my anger on my past life on everyone around me for being second best and always making others happy. i don't know, i've wanted to put myself in a psych ward and hope to be healed in some sort of way but i doubt that would happen. the vacation we took made me realize whats really out there in life and what i miss the most, the country air, good hearted people, and people in love. (yeah i'm a big romantic) i love doing sappy things and having them done to me. i dream of having that "special moment"
but what i'm trying to say in this whole thing is, my entire life, i always have locked up with the key thrown away. only a couple people really know me well enough. i think about life way too much, kind of like a philosopher...but thats who i am, i sit through every day thinking of what life would be like this way or that way, or what it was like back then, ect.
i just want you to know Mike and MJ that i love you both so much...you both are my world, i don't go a day without thinking about either of you and trying to make sure if i've made you happy or not. obviously tonight was one of those that i didn't. but i still love you both
<3
(and wow almost 3,000 words) LOL
until i hit my sophomore year of school, i wasn't doing too bad, but that one day i found out that one person i trusted with my secret outted me on a created school rumor website..my world was crushed and destroyed from that day. everyone knew my secret that i screwed around with my cousin, which at that time i didn't want anyone to know... i became so depressed because people knew about it, talked behind my back, confronted me, and wanted to make me commit suicide just like almost any other kid who gets bullied. i use to be at a decent weight size, of maybe 32? or less then i grew into bigger sizes really quick, i ate and ate until i felt better, and eventually before i realized it, i had stretch marks every where and was very fat. i grew even more depressed because of the stretch marks, i basically claimed i was ugly and was afraid of showing any part of my body. school still was bad for me until my junior year of school when i got to spend a lot of my time in school away at my internship or teachers i liked. my junior year flew by and finally my senior year was upon....i regret never going to prom...watching glee made me wish i wouldn't had ever told April no that i wasn't going. i wish i wouldn't had graduated mid-term and missed out on a lot of fun of my final school year. i began my adult life too quickly.... i started college and eventually couldn't get the aid for it so i gave up and focused on work only.
i spent most of 2006-2008 being scared of being gay and not knowing what to do about it. i wanted to date girls and make my parents happy and have kids, but i knew deep inside that wasn't who i am. every time i tried, i failed because i was afraid to go socialize since i was held back from meeting new people. always afraid of what people were going to think of me. of course the whole time was a big blur until 2008 when my grandpa died....that hit home hard. a death like that has never hit me so bad. i was getting very close to my grandpa while before hand we weren't. we were actually talking to each other and interacting more often, then one day i was told he had a heart attack and was in the hospital. both visits i had with him, he seemed great and got to come home for a day or 2, then went back for a few checkups and they kept him one night...and i had to wake up early at 3am one morning to be told he died :-( i didn't know what to do. i guess i regret not spending more time with the ones i love was the lesson to be learned from that. i spent at least 2 months after his death, listening to Mariah Carey's Bye Bye hundreds of times, crying myself to sleep each time. I grew angry and lashed out at everything and everyone, i was literally ready to die myself.
During that time frame i grew closer to my best friend Dustin. we worked together at DG, and he knew how to keep me sane and happy. we would always hang out and do things. i started to have deep feelings for Dustin, especially after his break up with an ex. Dustin knew how to make me smile, laugh, and gave me that warm feeling. One night after we went to watch a movie early in July, i told him i loved him and wanted to be his bf..he graciously denied me. I was so upset that i cried the entire night and woke up with my pillow literally soaking wet. i left my yahoo and msn messengers on, because i had a couple chats with dustin after i got home that night. i tried a couple times to stick my face in the pillow that night to kill myself but i failed each one. i work up to this message from Tony Allen...someone i've said hello to a couple of times on bear411 and so on. he was at school and wanted to see if i wanted to go watch Wall E...i really was in no mood to, especially since i had to work, so i decided what the hell and went with the flow. that evening we met at the theater parking lot, went to sonic so he could eat some tator tots and have some kind of drink. then made it to the movie. during that whole movie i was wanting to hold his hand SO BAD. he had this sweet, cute, sexy smile that i couldn't resist. after the movie we hung out in the parking lot, and chatted about things in life for nearly 3 hours or more. i was completely falling for this guy who i had only met once. when we decide to depart, we both knew inside we wanted to kiss each other but we hugged instead and left.... only for each of us to texting one another wishing we would had kissed. after that day a great friendship had started. we both would hang out nearly every week, sometimes twice a week. i kept falling hard and in love with Tony. he had the same personality as me even though we didn't have much of the same interests besides men, music, movies and video games lol. we had a special bond and still do. one night he knew i had something going on in my mind and i knew it was too soon to even be feeling this way but i told tony i loved him and wanted to be with him everyday....of course i didn't get the answer i wanted. i wasn't his type. i was upset but i still wanted our friendship. still to this day i do love him.
as time went along up till around August i met a guy named Dave who i was falling hard for..yeah i know 3 guys in that period of time, i couldn't help it, he made me feel good by holding onto me, saying things i liked, had a beautiful apartment home, i was visualizing a life with him. well that turned out to be a flop when it turned out he was seeing someone else when i told him i had feelings after a couple months of talking. so i pranked called him one night and our friendship went to hell that day. luckily he has became a friend of mine again. dave is a great guy!
after that reality failed, tony and i went on a trip to New Orleans (not sure how much of the time order i have correct) but i needed this vacation and away from my life because i was tired of failing and always being second best. i refinanced my car to get the money to go. that trip changed my life. i got to see that its really ok to be me. tony helped me over time to become comfortable with myself. i got to see the gay life up close and personal. i had so much fun on that trip. it really helped change my perspective on life.
after the trip life went back to normal...i spent up until november doing work,school and hanging with tony. then one night while me and tony were hanging out, we went to greenwood to see john, a guy that tony really liked and was both of our friend. this whole time i felt like a 3rd wheel, because they were always all over each other kissing or flirty, while i had to sit back, watch and wish it was me. my self esteem was so low that night. while we were having dinner at a restaurant i started to get texts from these 2 guys that i was chatting to earlier that summer on bear411 named Mike and Mike (MJ) we had chatted a couple weeks before while they were out getting their World of Warcraft expansions and wanted me to call them LOL. i never did.... but back to the story, they were trying to cheer me up while tony was busy with john. and both of them told me i should put my phone away cause i was texting a lot... i didn't want to and in my head i was very pissed at that comment. on the way back to our car, cause john picked us up in greenwood, john and tony were making out while driving......this annoyed me in a lot of ways. i wanted to get to my actual home ASAP...the whole ride back to tony's house we barely said one or two words. till this day i've never told him about that story. i think after that point and time our friendship was going into a "break time"
i started chatting with mike and mj more and more and eventually met them and fell in love instantly. they swept me off my feet, they were complete sweethearts and made me feel like i was melting all the time. in that time i wrecked my car twice heading home from seeing them, and then moved in. i also had a few flaws that i carried on that i wish i would had never started. i was a big snoop and was worried about what and who mike and mj were talking to. i wanted to know what was going on, if they were screwing someone else, if they were saying bad things about me or what? i found a couple interesting convos on both sides at times. me being me i wanted monogamy, no one else involved except us and they had these profiles from A4A or manhunt or gay.com. i kept trying to get them to delete these profiles and they never would until i went psycho enough. it did upset me that they never did when i first requested. life in fort wayne sucked at first, i hated my transfer from DG...i wanted to always be home with the guys, always afraid i was going to miss out on some action, little things like that took over and made me insane. eventually i got on an ok job that was alright for the time being. well..later on that late summer, i caught one of mj's conversations on yahoo and he had met up with a guy and had sex. i was HEART BROKEN, i was already packing my bags and crying, texting MJ and Mike and the dude asking why, MJ denied that he didn't do it. i called dad and he told me to come home..i had no one else to talk to about it and dad knew i was upset. i went to MJ's store and confronted him..as much as i wanted to bash his face in, i refrained from it cause thats not the type of person i am. he denied that he didn't do it while the guy said they did. i knew in my heart they did. i guess its my fault for pressuring him into it and feeling guilty cause i was always out to nail him for screwing around. that wasn't my intention. i was looking out for myself to not get hurt, but at the same time be discreet about not being caught for snooping. this is my first relationship and i didn't want it to be fucked up.
i decided to give it hope and a second chance....a month or so later i screwed around with a guy up the road to get back at MJ, and then eventually a blowjob from the guy who screwed MJ then another guy later on. I wasn't proud of myself but i guess i was taking my anger out and having sex with other guys. plus our sex life wasn't the greatest at that time. Mike was starting to hit depression and it took a toll on our relationship. Mike wasn't happy with where he was as far as work, and his testostorum was low. the doctors couldn't figure anything out...me and mj done everything possible to make him happy. i eventually was getting tired of him lashing out, getting angry with me or him or his mom. he treated everyone around him horribly. i was becoming depressed again and questioning the relationship. at this time i had been chatting with my friend Sean A. ....we were becoming close friends and i was growing feelings for him. off and on we had slight arguments about me leaving to be with him. i never did because i didn't want to give up on love, mike, mj, and especially during the time mike needed us the most. late in 2010 i was at a point that i was wanting to give up and actually move on. mike had been on this attitude problem for over a year and i wasn't ready to continue with it. so i had set myself a date, one month till decemeber for things to get better or i was done. a miracle happened and mike got the right medication and ever since has gotten better. the after effects still linger with me and its been a battle with me, but i believe i will heal.
in that time of his depression it took me a year to get MJ to admit he had sex with that first guy. yeah it took me just as long to tell him what i did but i wanted his confession first. then again early this year he had sex with another guy. i knew inside i didn't need to be upset but i was, because i figured we were going to become a whole family again and the past would be forgotten, but those memories came back. i forgave him for it and moved on... finally i came out with the guys i played around with and felt like it was time to start a new clean slate. i hurt mj enough over the past 2 years with calling him a whore even most of the time it was joking in a sense, i didn't use that term literally, but more so "Schlampa" a german term for slut.
i feel horrible for hurting him like that, i never meant to...if i knew it was hurting him that bad i would had gave my ring back and said give it to me when i deserve it. i don't deserve it in my opinion. i've been a coward, untrustworthy of others and myself, i have built anger issues, and i'm sure there are more things.... i just want to have a family, a house, our animals in a quiet household alone, have friends over, and enjoy life. i don't think i've made life that enjoyable the past 2 years. i've made it miserable. i've taken out all my anger on my past life on everyone around me for being second best and always making others happy. i don't know, i've wanted to put myself in a psych ward and hope to be healed in some sort of way but i doubt that would happen. the vacation we took made me realize whats really out there in life and what i miss the most, the country air, good hearted people, and people in love. (yeah i'm a big romantic) i love doing sappy things and having them done to me. i dream of having that "special moment"
but what i'm trying to say in this whole thing is, my entire life, i always have locked up with the key thrown away. only a couple people really know me well enough. i think about life way too much, kind of like a philosopher...but thats who i am, i sit through every day thinking of what life would be like this way or that way, or what it was like back then, ect.
i just want you to know Mike and MJ that i love you both so much...you both are my world, i don't go a day without thinking about either of you and trying to make sure if i've made you happy or not. obviously tonight was one of those that i didn't. but i still love you both
<3
(and wow almost 3,000 words) LOL