My Apologies
I know that lately I have been incredibly hard to get along with... and for that I am sorry. I have had no right to treat my loved ones as I have. So the following is a sincere aplogy to everyone individually.
Cerridwen-- I have flat out not been nice to you... and that is completely inexcusable. I have had no reason to, but I have lashed out at you and frankly, I have been a horrible friend to you when you have done nothing to warrant such treatment. I dont have a reason for why I have been so stand off-ish, and why I have completely shut you out. You have been a good friend to me... and how did I repay that? By shutting you out and avoiding you. Cerr, you have been there for me through some tough times... and I know when I needed a shoulder to cry on, you have always been willing to be there and offer any advice that you could. I took advantage of that and in turn, took advantage of you. I havent been a good friend to you. I would like to take this time to say that I am sorry for being such a bitch to you when all you did was be a good friend to me. I have done a lot of reflecting on my life, and I am letting past events affect current ones in a very negative way... and I have somehow taken that out on you... and you dont deserve that. You are a good person and I have had no right to treat you as I have. As of last night, when I had some time to reflect on my existance, I came to the conclusion that I need to move forward and apologize to all who I have shut out... and out of everyone, I believe you deserve the first apology and I sincerely hope that you can accept it.
Dawn-- It certainly is a shame that you find yourself stuck right in the middle of everything. I dont mean for that to happen. Somehow, I hope that everything will work out on its own because I dont want to face it head on. And you become the victim in that because those I hurt come to you for comfort. That is never my intention. I never want you to feel as though I am asking you to take sides because that isnt fair to you when we all share so much as friends. I have shut you out as well. I was unaware of some of the things that you are doing for yourself and I never got the chance to say how proud I am of you and the choises that you are now making. I should have been there more as a friend, but instead, I was stuck in this never ending hole filled with self pitty. I never stopped and thought about the fact that my friends, that you may need me for comfort at any given time. Dawn, I love you... and I love all of the times that we share and I am sorry those times have been so few and far between... It has been very selfish of me to think that the world around me was going to stop because I have been unhappy with current situations. I dont mean to make you feel unloved... or unimportant in my life because the truth is quite the contrary. I care about you and I am sorry that I have not been there for you like a friend should be. And I am sorry that you have been put in uncomfortable postitions because of my selfishness.
Chris-- You are my dearest friend and I didnt even pick up on the fact that you have been annoyed with me. Again, I have been so focused on the negative aspects of my life that I have not stopped and considered the fact that I am pushing you away. Rather than come to you and being open about what is going on, I decided it was better that I face everything on my own. That, of course, was a bad decision. I was afraid that if I did come to anyone with what was bringing me down, that I would make everyone as unhappy as I was. But in the process, I made everyone mad because of the attitude of complete indifference that I have been displaying. The last thing I ever want to do is make you mad... or to shut you out of my life. You and I have been through so much when it comes to our friendship. Good times and bad, but somehow, we always come out closer than ever... And I admit, that I have taken that for granted for these past few months. I truly love when you and I have our heart to heart conversations and I wouldnt give them up for the world. I have been completely unreceptive to the fact that I have not only shut you out, but have lashed out due to my own self pitty. I have had a lot of time to think about my life and the direction that I am going in... and I realized that you are going to be there for me... But I am putting that at risk because of how I have been treating you. And for that, Chris... I am truly sorry. I will not shut you out... I will no longer lash out at anyone because of what I am going through. I have no right to do so. You have seen me through so many bad times and have been there for me and was always able to make me feel better. You have given me the best advice sometimes... and I remember one piece speciffically... You told me to stay strong no matter what. I dont know why I didnt... And I dont know why I didnt come to you when I knew that I could.
Jeff-- You and I have had our fair share of differences and yet we are still friends... I dont know how you put up with me sometimes. I deserved to be called a bitch... It was something that needed to be said because I didnt realize that I was shutting everyone out... and I didnt realyze that I was pushing you away. You have invited me to go out and to have fun... But I have refused and shut myself off from everything that could have been a blast for me. I really screwed up. You are one of those people who is always here to offer me the best of advice and to make sure that I am ok. And as you said, when I feel as though you dont like me or care anymore, its the complete opposite. You like me and care too much and hate to see me fail. I feel as though I have let you down and that kills me. For some reason, since we have met, I have sought your approval on most things that I do. Granted, some things that I do, I dont give a rats ass what you think because I am going to do it anyway. Thats the harsh truth because some things, I just feel they are right.. but when it comes to the big stuff, I have asked for advice, and I have rejected it. And that is disrespectful... and that is not how I mean to be. I do respect you, Jeff... you are a wise man and have a very good head on your shoulders... and it seems as though I have taken a lot of my frustrations out on you... Simply because you make me mad... a lot... But that is no reason to be so rude to you... and no reason to be so harsh and have a horrible attitude like I have. I apologize to you for all of this... I have had no right or reason to let things progress to the point where I dont even come to you. I dont know why I didnt let you help me in my hard time. But I am sorry.
Ingrid-- Though you and I rarely talk, I am guilty of shutting you out as well. Every time that you come over, I hide away in my room... and I dont even give you the courtesy of spending some time with you. I didnt even stay on your birthday... and that was just horrible of me. I cant describe how bad I feel when I think about all the fun times that you and I could have had when I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I love you, Ingrid... and I dont want you to feel as though I dont. I am sorry that I havent been the good friend that you are... and I am sorry that I have been a complete bitch.
Laura-- I am so glad that you have been there for me to talk to... You have been the only person that I have opened up to and you didnt even get both sides of the story. I came to you with my issues and I have been giving you a one sided version of everything that I have been through as of late. That isnt fair to you because there are 2 sides to every story. I am sorry for coming to whine to you when I am fully capable of confronting my problems head on.
Basically friends, I have had some time to reflect on my life and I realize that I have been stand off-sih and rude... and I have been completely inconsiderate when it comes to all of you. I have taken each and every one of you for granted and I have been treating you all like complete shit. And that is so wrong of me to do... I just hope we can all just start off new from this moment on. I dont want any hostility... or tension when we are all together like there has been... and I admit fault to that. I have been feeling so sorry for myself and have been so wrapped up in my own life that I havent stopped to think that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.... and that there is always a solution to every problem. I have been so wrapped up in focusing on the negative aspects of life that I have forgotten how much good there really is. And when you count it all out, the good does, in fact, out number the bad. So this is my sincerest apology to each and every one of you. I just hope you can all accept it, and we can move on. I love you all.
Cerridwen-- I have flat out not been nice to you... and that is completely inexcusable. I have had no reason to, but I have lashed out at you and frankly, I have been a horrible friend to you when you have done nothing to warrant such treatment. I dont have a reason for why I have been so stand off-ish, and why I have completely shut you out. You have been a good friend to me... and how did I repay that? By shutting you out and avoiding you. Cerr, you have been there for me through some tough times... and I know when I needed a shoulder to cry on, you have always been willing to be there and offer any advice that you could. I took advantage of that and in turn, took advantage of you. I havent been a good friend to you. I would like to take this time to say that I am sorry for being such a bitch to you when all you did was be a good friend to me. I have done a lot of reflecting on my life, and I am letting past events affect current ones in a very negative way... and I have somehow taken that out on you... and you dont deserve that. You are a good person and I have had no right to treat you as I have. As of last night, when I had some time to reflect on my existance, I came to the conclusion that I need to move forward and apologize to all who I have shut out... and out of everyone, I believe you deserve the first apology and I sincerely hope that you can accept it.
Dawn-- It certainly is a shame that you find yourself stuck right in the middle of everything. I dont mean for that to happen. Somehow, I hope that everything will work out on its own because I dont want to face it head on. And you become the victim in that because those I hurt come to you for comfort. That is never my intention. I never want you to feel as though I am asking you to take sides because that isnt fair to you when we all share so much as friends. I have shut you out as well. I was unaware of some of the things that you are doing for yourself and I never got the chance to say how proud I am of you and the choises that you are now making. I should have been there more as a friend, but instead, I was stuck in this never ending hole filled with self pitty. I never stopped and thought about the fact that my friends, that you may need me for comfort at any given time. Dawn, I love you... and I love all of the times that we share and I am sorry those times have been so few and far between... It has been very selfish of me to think that the world around me was going to stop because I have been unhappy with current situations. I dont mean to make you feel unloved... or unimportant in my life because the truth is quite the contrary. I care about you and I am sorry that I have not been there for you like a friend should be. And I am sorry that you have been put in uncomfortable postitions because of my selfishness.
Chris-- You are my dearest friend and I didnt even pick up on the fact that you have been annoyed with me. Again, I have been so focused on the negative aspects of my life that I have not stopped and considered the fact that I am pushing you away. Rather than come to you and being open about what is going on, I decided it was better that I face everything on my own. That, of course, was a bad decision. I was afraid that if I did come to anyone with what was bringing me down, that I would make everyone as unhappy as I was. But in the process, I made everyone mad because of the attitude of complete indifference that I have been displaying. The last thing I ever want to do is make you mad... or to shut you out of my life. You and I have been through so much when it comes to our friendship. Good times and bad, but somehow, we always come out closer than ever... And I admit, that I have taken that for granted for these past few months. I truly love when you and I have our heart to heart conversations and I wouldnt give them up for the world. I have been completely unreceptive to the fact that I have not only shut you out, but have lashed out due to my own self pitty. I have had a lot of time to think about my life and the direction that I am going in... and I realized that you are going to be there for me... But I am putting that at risk because of how I have been treating you. And for that, Chris... I am truly sorry. I will not shut you out... I will no longer lash out at anyone because of what I am going through. I have no right to do so. You have seen me through so many bad times and have been there for me and was always able to make me feel better. You have given me the best advice sometimes... and I remember one piece speciffically... You told me to stay strong no matter what. I dont know why I didnt... And I dont know why I didnt come to you when I knew that I could.
Jeff-- You and I have had our fair share of differences and yet we are still friends... I dont know how you put up with me sometimes. I deserved to be called a bitch... It was something that needed to be said because I didnt realize that I was shutting everyone out... and I didnt realyze that I was pushing you away. You have invited me to go out and to have fun... But I have refused and shut myself off from everything that could have been a blast for me. I really screwed up. You are one of those people who is always here to offer me the best of advice and to make sure that I am ok. And as you said, when I feel as though you dont like me or care anymore, its the complete opposite. You like me and care too much and hate to see me fail. I feel as though I have let you down and that kills me. For some reason, since we have met, I have sought your approval on most things that I do. Granted, some things that I do, I dont give a rats ass what you think because I am going to do it anyway. Thats the harsh truth because some things, I just feel they are right.. but when it comes to the big stuff, I have asked for advice, and I have rejected it. And that is disrespectful... and that is not how I mean to be. I do respect you, Jeff... you are a wise man and have a very good head on your shoulders... and it seems as though I have taken a lot of my frustrations out on you... Simply because you make me mad... a lot... But that is no reason to be so rude to you... and no reason to be so harsh and have a horrible attitude like I have. I apologize to you for all of this... I have had no right or reason to let things progress to the point where I dont even come to you. I dont know why I didnt let you help me in my hard time. But I am sorry.
Ingrid-- Though you and I rarely talk, I am guilty of shutting you out as well. Every time that you come over, I hide away in my room... and I dont even give you the courtesy of spending some time with you. I didnt even stay on your birthday... and that was just horrible of me. I cant describe how bad I feel when I think about all the fun times that you and I could have had when I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I love you, Ingrid... and I dont want you to feel as though I dont. I am sorry that I havent been the good friend that you are... and I am sorry that I have been a complete bitch.
Laura-- I am so glad that you have been there for me to talk to... You have been the only person that I have opened up to and you didnt even get both sides of the story. I came to you with my issues and I have been giving you a one sided version of everything that I have been through as of late. That isnt fair to you because there are 2 sides to every story. I am sorry for coming to whine to you when I am fully capable of confronting my problems head on.
Basically friends, I have had some time to reflect on my life and I realize that I have been stand off-sih and rude... and I have been completely inconsiderate when it comes to all of you. I have taken each and every one of you for granted and I have been treating you all like complete shit. And that is so wrong of me to do... I just hope we can all just start off new from this moment on. I dont want any hostility... or tension when we are all together like there has been... and I admit fault to that. I have been feeling so sorry for myself and have been so wrapped up in my own life that I havent stopped to think that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.... and that there is always a solution to every problem. I have been so wrapped up in focusing on the negative aspects of life that I have forgotten how much good there really is. And when you count it all out, the good does, in fact, out number the bad. So this is my sincerest apology to each and every one of you. I just hope you can all accept it, and we can move on. I love you all.