Wherein I Open My Big Mouth
So, after last night's post, Dmitri became... amorous. More so than usual. I mean, I'm fairly certain that he monitors what I say on my LJ and what I chat about. Which, I really don't care about. I don't feel like he'd ever use it against me. He Who Shall Not Be Named wanted to justify his cheating ways by spying on me to see if I were doing something he didn't approve of. There would be yelling and crying from him and just general abusive behavior. Back to topic; I don't feel threatened by Dmitri or by his knowing what I talk to others about. He's enough of a computer person to know how to bug a computer. I accept it's probably happening and I'm okay with that. It is what it is. So, that being the assumed case, I asked him a few questions at dinner. It went, roughly, as follows:
Me: So... I was wondering; Why do we do this?
Dmitri: Eat?
Me: No. I mean: Why do I come up here and why do you let me?
Dmitri: *grunt of acknowledgment*
Me: I come up here and you feed me and you clean the condo and I talk with friends online... there's great sex... but what do I add to your life? We both know that I don't see a long term future here. So why do you put up with me?
Dmitri: *silence*
Me: Seriously; why do you have me keep coming back if I'm just going to keep you from having a meaningful relationship?
Dmitri: You... don't.
Me: What?
Dmitri: I don't want another. Happy with what I have.
Me: A dead end relationship?
Dmitri: Not dead end. Only temporary. All I want. All I need.
Me: But it wasn't like that before... when we were dating.
Dmitri: Нет. Change comes. I change. Not wanting more now.
Me: Isn't that coincidental? I change my mind about what I want with you and you just so happen to want the same thing?
Dmitri: *shrugs* Is wrong? Not happy?
Me: I'm perfectly happy with what we have but what does it give you?
Dmitri: Companionship. Normal life. Hot ass. Smart. Conversation. Presence. You care for me?
Me: Of course.
Dmitri: All is right then. Could want more. Don't want more. Eat. Food become cold.
*eat in silence*
Me: So, you really don't want more?
Dmitri: Нет.
Me: I get to have you and all that comes with you, without strings and commitment?
Dmitri: Is commitment. Deep commitment. Not same as before. Different. But good.
Me: *stunned silence*
Dmitri: Is good, Да?
Me: Yes... it is, I guess. I just wonder... you do know that I care about you and your happiness, right?
Dmitri: Да.
Me: But I don't want you to find someone else as long as I want this to continue.
Dmitri: Да.
Me: But if you did want more and found someone, I'd step out of the picture gracefully.
Dmitri: Да. Good.
Me: Okay. just so we're clear.
Dmitri: As mud.
Me: Not funny.
Dmitri: Is a little funny.
Me: I'm trying to be serious.
Dmitri: Part of charm.
Me: You are charming.
Dmitri: Know this.
Me: You better be glad you can cook and give good massages and are dynamite in the sack, mister.
Dmitri: Know this, too.
Then conversation just died down and we finished dinner. Then I came up here to type this while fresh on my mind. I don't understand his motivations. He could have someone who loved him if he wanted to. Why would he take less than that unless he's holding out hope? I don't want him to resent me when I get a job and move away and meet someone and never see him again. I don't want him to feel used.
Me: So... I was wondering; Why do we do this?
Dmitri: Eat?
Me: No. I mean: Why do I come up here and why do you let me?
Dmitri: *grunt of acknowledgment*
Me: I come up here and you feed me and you clean the condo and I talk with friends online... there's great sex... but what do I add to your life? We both know that I don't see a long term future here. So why do you put up with me?
Dmitri: *silence*
Me: Seriously; why do you have me keep coming back if I'm just going to keep you from having a meaningful relationship?
Dmitri: You... don't.
Me: What?
Dmitri: I don't want another. Happy with what I have.
Me: A dead end relationship?
Dmitri: Not dead end. Only temporary. All I want. All I need.
Me: But it wasn't like that before... when we were dating.
Dmitri: Нет. Change comes. I change. Not wanting more now.
Me: Isn't that coincidental? I change my mind about what I want with you and you just so happen to want the same thing?
Dmitri: *shrugs* Is wrong? Not happy?
Me: I'm perfectly happy with what we have but what does it give you?
Dmitri: Companionship. Normal life. Hot ass. Smart. Conversation. Presence. You care for me?
Me: Of course.
Dmitri: All is right then. Could want more. Don't want more. Eat. Food become cold.
*eat in silence*
Me: So, you really don't want more?
Dmitri: Нет.
Me: I get to have you and all that comes with you, without strings and commitment?
Dmitri: Is commitment. Deep commitment. Not same as before. Different. But good.
Me: *stunned silence*
Dmitri: Is good, Да?
Me: Yes... it is, I guess. I just wonder... you do know that I care about you and your happiness, right?
Dmitri: Да.
Me: But I don't want you to find someone else as long as I want this to continue.
Dmitri: Да.
Me: But if you did want more and found someone, I'd step out of the picture gracefully.
Dmitri: Да. Good.
Me: Okay. just so we're clear.
Dmitri: As mud.
Me: Not funny.
Dmitri: Is a little funny.
Me: I'm trying to be serious.
Dmitri: Part of charm.
Me: You are charming.
Dmitri: Know this.
Me: You better be glad you can cook and give good massages and are dynamite in the sack, mister.
Dmitri: Know this, too.
Then conversation just died down and we finished dinner. Then I came up here to type this while fresh on my mind. I don't understand his motivations. He could have someone who loved him if he wanted to. Why would he take less than that unless he's holding out hope? I don't want him to resent me when I get a job and move away and meet someone and never see him again. I don't want him to feel used.