Okay, 2 Minutes Late. Sue me!
Monday came around and nothing out of the ordinary happened except Ringleader didn't meet me at “our” spot. I waited and waited and when my old ride showed up I begged a ride with them since my normal ride didn't seem to be there. The Mom-of-the-Day, being a mother, of course let me ride with them. I wondered what had happened. Had Swimmer called and told Ringleader that he would keep telling my mother that things were happening at Ringleader's house that I had no business being involved in? Had my rape nightmare finally ended? Did Ringleader no longer want me? Would my friends take me back?
Teenagers are constantly questioning themselves and others. Trying to ferret out who's the real friend and who's the friend because you had something? I could go on for some time about the fears of a normal teenager. I'm certain if you think back about it then you can remember, too. So I'll skip all that. Teenagers are in a constant state of anxiety and either angst or happiness and not a lot in between. You don't really find a content teenager. You may find one that's content with their number and balance of extremes but that's the closest you would come.
When I got home I called Ringleader's house but there was no answer. I tried all evening long and I never once got an answer. Now I was worried for his safety. I was still kinda tired from the Spring Break week so I decided to go to bed early. There wasn't anything I could do about Ringleader and he might not come home until midnight. It's not like Ringleader had anyone to supervise him. Ringleader did what he wanted to, when he wanted to. Ringleader was completely responsible for raising himself but he had been doing it for so long he didn't even worry about it anymore. At least, that's the airs he put on anyway.
'Besides,' I told myself, 'you weren't raped today. That's 2 day in a row. Count yourself lucky you moron!' And that was true I hadn't been raped in 2 days. So this was what it was like to be a normal teenager? I could get used to that. No rape, friends calling to talk to you about what happened that day or how their parents were being stupid or mean, and simply doing homework and studying. Well, doing homework anyway. I never studied. I could remember every word the teacher said and aced all my tests. I had an awesome mind! Thank God for the little things.
Just as I was about to crawl into bed, the phone rang. It was Swimmer. My heart skipped a beat. Swimmer wanted to know if I was alright. Swimmer wanted to know if Ringleader had done anything to hurt me today. I told Swimmer that I hadn't even seen Ringleader that day. Swimmer seemed smugly satisfied with this turn of events. I wondered why Swimmer was so smug. Was it because Swimmer had scared Ringleader off, at least for the time being? Was Swimmer just happy that I hadn't been touched that day, again? And had Swimmer had something to do with that? I couldn’t say and that worried me. I wanted to be close to Ringleader, and I loved him and hated him at the same time. Maybe Ringleader was just spending time with his new boyfriend and Swimmer was glad that Ringleader had found a new hobby.
This, of course, terrified me unto no end. What if I wasn't needed or wanted anymore? However, I could be free and be with Swimmer, right? No more rape, right? What could be all the possible ramifications of all of this change in events? I couldn't even be sure it was really all over. What if one of The Twins decided to take up the clarion call? Neither were hulking behemoths but both worked out and had the ability to hold me down. Tag teamed by then, I wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell of not being raped. Swimmer told me that he loved me and that he'd call tomorrow night.
That made me very, very happy. Swimmer was taking an interest in me and he said he loved me. Ultimately that's all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be loved. Attention and affection were both things that were a part of love. I was getting attention from Swimmer by getting a phone call and asking if I'm alright and affection by saying he loved me. So I couldn't really hope or ask for anything more. Well, I could hope and ask but I was content, for now, with what I was getting.
Even though the conversation had been short. It left me so giddy that I was unable to sleep. Well, couple that with the idea that I wouldn't be raped anymore but still loved by someone was intoxicating. I crawled into bed, light-headed, and laid on my back with my hands behind my head. I ignored the protest of the bum rib. Actually, the feeling of pain just made my pigheadedness feel even more intoxicating. It was wonderful.
Once the headiness had worn off and the goofy grin faded from my face, I rolled over onto my right side and tried to fall asleep. That proved to be harder than it sounded. I kept trying to get comfortable and forget about the day. I kept trying to forget about Spring Break but an image would come into my head, my heart would pound, aching my bum rib, and I'd have to open my eyes to clear the mental image from my mind. I laid there awake for more than 2 hours just thinking about how happy I was that Spring Break was over but that I didn't see Swimmer that day.
I also though, about the prospect of seeing Ringleader tomorrow and the raping continuing. I didn't really know what to think. At that point in my life I wasn't disciplined enough to only think about the good things. The mental image would come in any order they felt like and I was unable to control it. Opening my eyes every 30 seconds to clear a mental image. It was hard on me. I looked at the clock, which is the worst thing one can do when insomnia hits, and it read about 4:15 AM. I had to be up in 1 hour and 45 minutes, and I had gotten no sleep. How was I supposed to function?
I tried to empty my mind of everything but flashes of memory kept coming. Those flashes of memories came with thoughts of hope for the future, nevermind that Swimmer would be going away to college at the end of the summer and I would likely never see him again. I had planned out a whole future full of unicorns and rainbows and puppies. I was completely delusional but at that time in my life it all seemed so possible.
Teenagers are constantly questioning themselves and others. Trying to ferret out who's the real friend and who's the friend because you had something? I could go on for some time about the fears of a normal teenager. I'm certain if you think back about it then you can remember, too. So I'll skip all that. Teenagers are in a constant state of anxiety and either angst or happiness and not a lot in between. You don't really find a content teenager. You may find one that's content with their number and balance of extremes but that's the closest you would come.
When I got home I called Ringleader's house but there was no answer. I tried all evening long and I never once got an answer. Now I was worried for his safety. I was still kinda tired from the Spring Break week so I decided to go to bed early. There wasn't anything I could do about Ringleader and he might not come home until midnight. It's not like Ringleader had anyone to supervise him. Ringleader did what he wanted to, when he wanted to. Ringleader was completely responsible for raising himself but he had been doing it for so long he didn't even worry about it anymore. At least, that's the airs he put on anyway.
'Besides,' I told myself, 'you weren't raped today. That's 2 day in a row. Count yourself lucky you moron!' And that was true I hadn't been raped in 2 days. So this was what it was like to be a normal teenager? I could get used to that. No rape, friends calling to talk to you about what happened that day or how their parents were being stupid or mean, and simply doing homework and studying. Well, doing homework anyway. I never studied. I could remember every word the teacher said and aced all my tests. I had an awesome mind! Thank God for the little things.
Just as I was about to crawl into bed, the phone rang. It was Swimmer. My heart skipped a beat. Swimmer wanted to know if I was alright. Swimmer wanted to know if Ringleader had done anything to hurt me today. I told Swimmer that I hadn't even seen Ringleader that day. Swimmer seemed smugly satisfied with this turn of events. I wondered why Swimmer was so smug. Was it because Swimmer had scared Ringleader off, at least for the time being? Was Swimmer just happy that I hadn't been touched that day, again? And had Swimmer had something to do with that? I couldn’t say and that worried me. I wanted to be close to Ringleader, and I loved him and hated him at the same time. Maybe Ringleader was just spending time with his new boyfriend and Swimmer was glad that Ringleader had found a new hobby.
This, of course, terrified me unto no end. What if I wasn't needed or wanted anymore? However, I could be free and be with Swimmer, right? No more rape, right? What could be all the possible ramifications of all of this change in events? I couldn't even be sure it was really all over. What if one of The Twins decided to take up the clarion call? Neither were hulking behemoths but both worked out and had the ability to hold me down. Tag teamed by then, I wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell of not being raped. Swimmer told me that he loved me and that he'd call tomorrow night.
That made me very, very happy. Swimmer was taking an interest in me and he said he loved me. Ultimately that's all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be loved. Attention and affection were both things that were a part of love. I was getting attention from Swimmer by getting a phone call and asking if I'm alright and affection by saying he loved me. So I couldn't really hope or ask for anything more. Well, I could hope and ask but I was content, for now, with what I was getting.
Even though the conversation had been short. It left me so giddy that I was unable to sleep. Well, couple that with the idea that I wouldn't be raped anymore but still loved by someone was intoxicating. I crawled into bed, light-headed, and laid on my back with my hands behind my head. I ignored the protest of the bum rib. Actually, the feeling of pain just made my pigheadedness feel even more intoxicating. It was wonderful.
Once the headiness had worn off and the goofy grin faded from my face, I rolled over onto my right side and tried to fall asleep. That proved to be harder than it sounded. I kept trying to get comfortable and forget about the day. I kept trying to forget about Spring Break but an image would come into my head, my heart would pound, aching my bum rib, and I'd have to open my eyes to clear the mental image from my mind. I laid there awake for more than 2 hours just thinking about how happy I was that Spring Break was over but that I didn't see Swimmer that day.
I also though, about the prospect of seeing Ringleader tomorrow and the raping continuing. I didn't really know what to think. At that point in my life I wasn't disciplined enough to only think about the good things. The mental image would come in any order they felt like and I was unable to control it. Opening my eyes every 30 seconds to clear a mental image. It was hard on me. I looked at the clock, which is the worst thing one can do when insomnia hits, and it read about 4:15 AM. I had to be up in 1 hour and 45 minutes, and I had gotten no sleep. How was I supposed to function?
I tried to empty my mind of everything but flashes of memory kept coming. Those flashes of memories came with thoughts of hope for the future, nevermind that Swimmer would be going away to college at the end of the summer and I would likely never see him again. I had planned out a whole future full of unicorns and rainbows and puppies. I was completely delusional but at that time in my life it all seemed so possible.