So, I've Been An Idiot
"I've been an idiot." That should be one of my tags. Anyway, as you know I was taking some time away from Dmitri. To think, to quiet my mind, to feel like I wasn't cheating on Second John; aka: Being an idiot. Instead of loving what was right in front of me for what it was, I did what I always do. I look for the negative. It's something that I have really worked hard on not doing. Now, as we have seen, I don't always succeed. In fact, I can fail for long periods of time. As we have just witnessed.
Now, I did have one valid complaint. I couldn't go anywhere in the condo without him following me, which made me feel like Dmitri didn't trust me. Like I was going to rifle through a drawer and find a gun or some other equally scary something. Okay, so maybe that example is a bit overly paranoid and a bit overly simplified. However, I stand by my statement that it made me feel like he didn't trust me.
Dmitri claims that it has nothing to do with trust. He just likes being near me as much as possible. Which is entirely too sweet but a bit smothering. I always came back on Friday (except when I was taking a break from him) and there were only a few Saturday mornings that he didn't find me asleep in his bed because I had awaken before him and left. So I think the following is counterproductive to my feelings towards him. I think that I have explained my need to be close to him but not be laying on the couch with him with my head in his lap all the time. I found this funny but I know he was trying to be accommodating, but he even promised to let me take my own shower, alone, after sex. I told him that wasn't necessary and that was one of the times I wanted to be close to him. So he seems to get what I'm trying to express but, as per usual, he takes it to a whole different level than I do. Of course, I know what I'm thinking and he doesn't, so one can't fault him for taking it to, what I see as, an extreme.
I had new student orientation up in Dallas over the weekend so I couldn't spend it with him but I did spend Sunday dinner with him and I'm VNC'ing to my computer at home to journal from his place on a Tuesday. May I confide something in you? I think he was so sad or upset or something that made him not *cough* take care of himself/his needs *cough* for the entire time that I was away from him. Because there was a lot of it. I thought after the 8th second that it would be never ending. And it wasn't a dribbling out. I'm not sure I've had that much *cough* liquid *cough* inside me ever before, all at once... or possibly all the other times with all the other guys combined. Okay, enough of that.
I have apologized to Dmitri for taking him for granted and making him unhappy. He'll never admit to me making him unhappy. He claims that he knew I was coming back to him so he never worried. I call bullshit. Maybe I'm just insecure enough to think that he would not be worried that he had lost me. And for a while there he had. I had made the decision to not continue the relationship with him. But I have changed my mind. Things start going good and I have to sabotage them. That's my MO. I tend to have foot-in-mouth disease when it comes to relationship. Well, consider this episode of F-I-M over. It will likely rear it's ugly head again but this time is over.
I decided to surprise him by coming up here today. He needed more than just a dinner to hold him over until Friday. Besides, we have much sex to catch up on. At least 8 more times before Friday. He may be a shriveled old man come Friday, but he'll be a shriveled old man with a smile on his face. Sunday dinner was a surprise, too. It was nice to see his smiling face and hear him greet me in Russian in the familiar. And to hear him whisper softly, in Russian, in my ear as we had a our long rejoining hug. He even cried a little. He claimed that he was just so happy to see me and that they were tears of joy. Now how often does someone tell you that they're crying tears of joy because they see you? :) Not often!
I don't know how long I'll spend here and I hate leaving a VNC connection open for long periods of time, so I may not post until I get home, whenever that is. If it were up to Dmitri, I'd go home and pack up my stuff and move in with him. And I think he's serious, too. A step I'm not quite ready to take. Not after having doubted things for almost a month. It's asking too much. Of course, this could be the next 'me sabotaging myself' and I realize that but for now I think I'll hold that move in reserve for a later time. Assuming it's still open. We'll see how things go in the foreseeable future and make my decision from there. Assuming he was serious. It's hard to tell with him sometimes. His "serious" face and "mischievous" face are very similar.
Otherwise, classes start on Tuesday, Sept. 6th. So one more week of summer vacation and I'm back in school. Kinda dreading it, kinda looking forward to it. We'll see how things go in the first few days before I'll either start freaking out or I'll relax into it. I'm hoping for the relaxing into it.
Now, I did have one valid complaint. I couldn't go anywhere in the condo without him following me, which made me feel like Dmitri didn't trust me. Like I was going to rifle through a drawer and find a gun or some other equally scary something. Okay, so maybe that example is a bit overly paranoid and a bit overly simplified. However, I stand by my statement that it made me feel like he didn't trust me.
Dmitri claims that it has nothing to do with trust. He just likes being near me as much as possible. Which is entirely too sweet but a bit smothering. I always came back on Friday (except when I was taking a break from him) and there were only a few Saturday mornings that he didn't find me asleep in his bed because I had awaken before him and left. So I think the following is counterproductive to my feelings towards him. I think that I have explained my need to be close to him but not be laying on the couch with him with my head in his lap all the time. I found this funny but I know he was trying to be accommodating, but he even promised to let me take my own shower, alone, after sex. I told him that wasn't necessary and that was one of the times I wanted to be close to him. So he seems to get what I'm trying to express but, as per usual, he takes it to a whole different level than I do. Of course, I know what I'm thinking and he doesn't, so one can't fault him for taking it to, what I see as, an extreme.
I had new student orientation up in Dallas over the weekend so I couldn't spend it with him but I did spend Sunday dinner with him and I'm VNC'ing to my computer at home to journal from his place on a Tuesday. May I confide something in you? I think he was so sad or upset or something that made him not *cough* take care of himself/his needs *cough* for the entire time that I was away from him. Because there was a lot of it. I thought after the 8th second that it would be never ending. And it wasn't a dribbling out. I'm not sure I've had that much *cough* liquid *cough* inside me ever before, all at once... or possibly all the other times with all the other guys combined. Okay, enough of that.
I have apologized to Dmitri for taking him for granted and making him unhappy. He'll never admit to me making him unhappy. He claims that he knew I was coming back to him so he never worried. I call bullshit. Maybe I'm just insecure enough to think that he would not be worried that he had lost me. And for a while there he had. I had made the decision to not continue the relationship with him. But I have changed my mind. Things start going good and I have to sabotage them. That's my MO. I tend to have foot-in-mouth disease when it comes to relationship. Well, consider this episode of F-I-M over. It will likely rear it's ugly head again but this time is over.
I decided to surprise him by coming up here today. He needed more than just a dinner to hold him over until Friday. Besides, we have much sex to catch up on. At least 8 more times before Friday. He may be a shriveled old man come Friday, but he'll be a shriveled old man with a smile on his face. Sunday dinner was a surprise, too. It was nice to see his smiling face and hear him greet me in Russian in the familiar. And to hear him whisper softly, in Russian, in my ear as we had a our long rejoining hug. He even cried a little. He claimed that he was just so happy to see me and that they were tears of joy. Now how often does someone tell you that they're crying tears of joy because they see you? :) Not often!
I don't know how long I'll spend here and I hate leaving a VNC connection open for long periods of time, so I may not post until I get home, whenever that is. If it were up to Dmitri, I'd go home and pack up my stuff and move in with him. And I think he's serious, too. A step I'm not quite ready to take. Not after having doubted things for almost a month. It's asking too much. Of course, this could be the next 'me sabotaging myself' and I realize that but for now I think I'll hold that move in reserve for a later time. Assuming it's still open. We'll see how things go in the foreseeable future and make my decision from there. Assuming he was serious. It's hard to tell with him sometimes. His "serious" face and "mischievous" face are very similar.
Otherwise, classes start on Tuesday, Sept. 6th. So one more week of summer vacation and I'm back in school. Kinda dreading it, kinda looking forward to it. We'll see how things go in the first few days before I'll either start freaking out or I'll relax into it. I'm hoping for the relaxing into it.