.
(To write to and for myself is what I need; I need to see my words written up there to believe them, to understand them, to know where I am in my sometimes-crazy mind. I have done a lot of it, but not enough.)
I'm sorry. For once in my life, I screwed up and made a huge mistake. No one should have to go through that, and what I can do to repay the debt I now owe, I want to. What was there recently can work, it was working. I guess I'm just not entirely there yet. I want to be. I hope that it can be a mutual feeling.
I'm sorry. Good-bye...
The feeling of loss and pain takes on enormous and often undesired consequences within a person. How does one handle something you never ever thought of? That you didn't see coming? I think everyone handles it differently, and some do it seemingly better than others given the various circumstances or the mental frame of mind one has when one is faced with it. I'm not sure where I fall, but having fallen recently, I know I didn't do it the right way. But what is the right way? To smile gamely and carry on as before? Is that possible? I don't think there is, but there is a wrong way. And once on that slippery slope, sliding down, it's hard not to start flailing and acting irrationally and making the mistakes one makes -- all of which look exactly that, irrational, and useless to the outsider, but that feel for the person actually slipping as being completely natural. I don't condone anything I've done necessarily; all I can believe is that I'm trying so, so hard in a way that's presented before me and, ultimately, I only want me to hurt through this, if anyone's going to hurt. It's my pain; no one else deserves it.
...
That actually felt alright to write and read over.
I'm sorry. For once in my life, I screwed up and made a huge mistake. No one should have to go through that, and what I can do to repay the debt I now owe, I want to. What was there recently can work, it was working. I guess I'm just not entirely there yet. I want to be. I hope that it can be a mutual feeling.
I'm sorry. Good-bye...
The feeling of loss and pain takes on enormous and often undesired consequences within a person. How does one handle something you never ever thought of? That you didn't see coming? I think everyone handles it differently, and some do it seemingly better than others given the various circumstances or the mental frame of mind one has when one is faced with it. I'm not sure where I fall, but having fallen recently, I know I didn't do it the right way. But what is the right way? To smile gamely and carry on as before? Is that possible? I don't think there is, but there is a wrong way. And once on that slippery slope, sliding down, it's hard not to start flailing and acting irrationally and making the mistakes one makes -- all of which look exactly that, irrational, and useless to the outsider, but that feel for the person actually slipping as being completely natural. I don't condone anything I've done necessarily; all I can believe is that I'm trying so, so hard in a way that's presented before me and, ultimately, I only want me to hurt through this, if anyone's going to hurt. It's my pain; no one else deserves it.
...
That actually felt alright to write and read over.