(2) I guess, I'm all right, so
I'm announcing a severalminutes of despair.
God, I've been writing these entries and singing mantras for three hours already. And I can't go on unless I finish this one. No, I'm no way all right.
[You needn't read if you don't want to.]
Actually, yesterday's fury was a way to cope with despair.
I will always lose this battle to time. I won't have time to say, to do, to try, to read, to sing, to dance etc. everything I wanted to. The time which I share with the others will never be enough. And then I'll die.
I started to cherish time even more. It's pure Siri - cherishing the limited time that you are aware of - and it's the model of beauty for me. I started thinking in minutes. I thought: 'maybe during four days we'll have ten minutes to talk. What do I want to tell? What do I want to ask?'
I made two lists, what I want to tell and what I want to ask. I even ranked them. I used two criteria: importance and length. I picked the most important of the shortest ideas and the question from the urgent ones which requires the shortest answer. I hoped it would take me two or three minutes to be through with it and the rest eight or seven minutes would be devoted to something else.
We didn't have any time.
'I will have time for you in two and a half days. Till then I'm learning to take care of myself and just be'.
I felt mute, desperate, helpless. Then, as there was some context with the invitations issue, I felt furious. Then I switched on the ' Siri mode', laughed and relaxed. Then I had a moment of clarity and remembered the rule: "if one wants less time for a while, it won't destroy anything". Then this moment ended and I'm once again mute, desperate and helpless.
I gave a vow of stating what is important for me.
But when I'm told "I don't have time for you" it just doesn't matter what I want to tell and how important it might be. I'm mute and I'm gulping for air and fighting back tears. To no avail.
God, I've been writing these entries and singing mantras for three hours already. And I can't go on unless I finish this one. No, I'm no way all right.
[You needn't read if you don't want to.]
Actually, yesterday's fury was a way to cope with despair.
I will always lose this battle to time. I won't have time to say, to do, to try, to read, to sing, to dance etc. everything I wanted to. The time which I share with the others will never be enough. And then I'll die.
I started to cherish time even more. It's pure Siri - cherishing the limited time that you are aware of - and it's the model of beauty for me. I started thinking in minutes. I thought: 'maybe during four days we'll have ten minutes to talk. What do I want to tell? What do I want to ask?'
I made two lists, what I want to tell and what I want to ask. I even ranked them. I used two criteria: importance and length. I picked the most important of the shortest ideas and the question from the urgent ones which requires the shortest answer. I hoped it would take me two or three minutes to be through with it and the rest eight or seven minutes would be devoted to something else.
We didn't have any time.
'I will have time for you in two and a half days. Till then I'm learning to take care of myself and just be'.
I felt mute, desperate, helpless. Then, as there was some context with the invitations issue, I felt furious. Then I switched on the ' Siri mode', laughed and relaxed. Then I had a moment of clarity and remembered the rule: "if one wants less time for a while, it won't destroy anything". Then this moment ended and I'm once again mute, desperate and helpless.
I gave a vow of stating what is important for me.
But when I'm told "I don't have time for you" it just doesn't matter what I want to tell and how important it might be. I'm mute and I'm gulping for air and fighting back tears. To no avail.