I guess, I'm all right, so
I'm announcing a severalminutes of fury.
No, I guess, I'm not all right. It's been a while since I last was this furious.
[Oh, how I'm not at my best]
Actually, I thought, maybe I'd better go to sleep, but then I felt that if I didn't write I would have crashed something in my room. Since there's practically no furniture, I looked at installed a week before brand-new shiny white window-sill. Jumped away and sat before my notebook, before it was too late.
In autumn Rule#1 was "do not expect".
It's spring now and Rule#1.1 is "no more invitations".
"Do not expect" was a consolation and then a koan, and, I guess, I'll have to work on "no more invitations". Already started: I have a koan in my head (solved at the weekend) which is called " Invitations" and I'll write it down tomorrow.
But what do I mean by "no more invitations"?
By 'invitation' I mean any phrase meaning "I'm doing X. Would you like to join?" or "I'm doing X. If you feel like doing it also, I'd love to share this with you". My favourite particular example - "On Tuesdays I play go. Every Tuesday with rare exceptions. You are welcome to join if you wish so". I've told it to several people. No more.
Why?
It never works out. Every event I'm trying to organize ("I'm doing X. I'd love to share this with you. Would you join?") turns out to be a disaster. I failed in organizing of autumn and winter events, so I'm giving up any plans for summer events and my favourite summer rituals. I absolutely failed in organizing a trip to SPb. Now I'm inviting collegues to report at the conference (thank god, I'm not organizing it) and it's not a disaster yet but I won't be surprised if it turns out as a disaster. I even got used to be told "no", and I respect this "no". 'No' is a 'no' and I can do nothing about this.
I've come to believe that I just lack something in me. Oh, well.
There are several things in my life that I can call... sacred (we are not talking about reiki etc here) .
Personal mountains. The "going up" part - things I can do only by myself. Letters, for example. And the "sunrises, and sunsets, and rainbows" - space and time, shared with other people.
Dance and contact improvisation.
And - to create something together.
The last one - it happened once. He came and asked me: "Are you still doing the "Letters"? I want to do this with you". Then we found the illustrator and she joined. A miracle. But I didn't invite the one who came first! Maybe that's why we have made some progress.
One more episode when I loved "thinking tohether" and offered sharing a work but, I guess, it finally became a burden.
And the best example. Before the new year I took up a serious work which took me a month to complete the initial phase and the only thing I'm damn sure of is: I'm glad that no one promised me to help with this work. During the last day of this phase I asked my Beloved to help and he helped and taught me useful things about this work.
Maybe, I'm just taking it too seriously.
What should I really expect if I invite people to my mountain which is LIFE to me and definitely not the entire life for them? If they come by their own will, welcome. But no 'welcome' beforehand.
If I see an image of my future work and realize that I need a tremendous amount of time to complete it the way I see it, from now on I'll just do it myself. I won't waste time trying to talk anyone into doing this.
No more invitations to mountains.
No more 'welcome' beforehand.
P.S. Sounds like a good big consolation. You want a refutation?
Here's the one:
Glennon Doyle Melton writes in her "Carry on, warrior. Thoughts on life unarmed" that "God is Forever Tries".