Koan #16. Importance
This feeling when you wake up and find a koan in your head. Yuck.
My world doesn't collapse anymore. As I put it into words yesterday, I'm just "painfully disappointed in the model (perception) of the world I had had before". The good thing is that it's not as painful and immobilizing as it had been. The bad thing is that as I can live with it it's not urgent. Actually, I can face the world.
So.
[Introduction]
Introduction.
Sometimes I'm honored to hear: "Listen. I want to tell you one thing and it's crucially important. Would you like to listen to it?" And I take it as the most wondrous gift and I say: "Yes. Just give me few moments to concentrate". I then I keep it in my memory with a label of "IMPORTANT for this person" and try to be gentle with it. Just to take it without any discussion that it is important. And when I accept that this is important for the person, it becomes important for me personally. I start to act having this in mind.
Sometimes I fail and I'm not attentive and I'm on the verge of ridiculing what I had been told. "It's happening in your head, not mine", I say. Today I'm going to apologize and I'm going to stop thinking and saying that. (as I've been writing this during the whole day, already did)
My ego is hurt badly when I'm planning something and I want to tell the participants what is important for me but I'm told, 'I believe you shouldn't tell this to everyone". And now I find myself being afraid of being ridiculed for what I believe to be important. It's painful and easy to start believing that no one will just unconditionally accept that it is important, that no one will act having this in mind and respecting this. I'm afraid that no one will try sharing the importance, that no one will be sincere. That it is going to be one big favor to me.
I'm crying here.
The good thing about koans is that they are solved. Let's hope so.
One more short story.
The evening of the 17th of March I got the best news in two or three years. It's like for a girl who wants nothing more than to be a mother of ten children but has unsuccessfully tried to concieve for two or three years to get news that she is pregnant. (yes, it. is. equally. important.)
I shared the news.
"I see".
"Please, congratulate me".
"Congratulations".
I don't know, which one is sadder: "please, congratulate me" or "please, say that I'm beautiful".
No, I don't think I can face the world.
[The koan]
The koan. Reminds of " Languages", actually, but that solution doesn't fit here.
"If someone stated something as "important" I do my best to accept it unconditionally. - I feel... betrayed when someone (especially a close one to me) devaluates what is important to me"
[Consolations]
Consolations.
Oh, there are a few.
1. Celebrate it alone.
Yesterday I was lucky: there was a person to tell me: "This is a success) Thank you. <...> Till then - celebrate and have a rest". This person devoted much time and effort to this happening, so he knows the feeling.
But if there's no one to say so, I can celebrate it alone. Yesterday, for example, I won a game of go. I've done that only two times before (I mean the games with my teacher), on the 17th of September, that magical day, and in the middle of October, that silent time. So, it was a good celebration.
2. Actually, what I call important is not important: if I'm the only one to call it important, I'm mistaken. I'd better listen attentively to what the others, who have more life experience, call important. For a woman, for example, nothing is more important than a family.
Refutation: total bullshit. Actually, things and events are neutral. They just happen. It's people who add the meaning to the events - and thus the events with a lot of meaning become important. The fact that many people add some significant meaning to some event (say, the Olympics) is also neutral.
3. It is not important because this event is basically neutral - I just said so myself.
Refutation: there are no neutral events in the Universe. Things don't just happen: every single event changes the whole system. Events usually don't happen without people (we don't take nature here). The events happen because people try to realize their intentions and wishes in reality. If it's not nature, it can be neutral from outside but it is usually very intense from inside.
3. Keep unconditionally accepting the others' "important"s but never tell mine. Thus I can keep on doing what I feel good to be doing and cope with my hurt later.
Refutation: this is not an equal relationship. In order to have a genuine connection we must let ourselves be seen (Brené). So we must keep telling what is important to us.
4. If you want to change the world, start from yourself. Just keep doing this. Maybe someone will notice.
Refutation: there's a trap in this "someone will notice". "I'm not going to change anything in belief that at least someone might like what I'm doing. Even after my death". The trap of "unrecognized genius". I found out it several days ago. I'm glad I noticed this.
5. This one is Dan's. "If you don't let yourself be in this, you also don't let the other be in this with you which, by the way, may be important for the other". I even thought for a moment that is was a solution. Especially when I did the same thing a minute after I told that I had a koan on importance. But then I thought that it was closer to some kind of resilience. It looks like a good way to deal with a problem together but it doesn't relieve the tension and thus doesn't solve the koan. The main point here: I break my own rules, I have to be careful.
6. "This person is on your side".
Maybe the one I thought to be devaluating something important for me wasn't doing this. This person might have meant good. Actually he or she was on my side. Why do I not appreciate this?
7. What is important, changes. So why bother telling?
And, actually, this led to a solution.
[The solution]
The solution.
It took me ten hours (I did make breaks, though). I almost posted it without the solution because I got tired.
But I have a solution.
I was close to the solution when I wrote that people themselves mark what is important. What they call important, reflects the changes happening in them, the personal growth. If I change (for example, a person offers an idea which is important for him and I try feeling the same way, thus I change; I may give up this idea later but I have tried and I've changed) and if I want to change the world starting from myself I oblige myself to state what is important for me in this particular space and time. Always.
Find the courage.
It's the Yang side of the Vow of Change.
My world doesn't collapse anymore. As I put it into words yesterday, I'm just "painfully disappointed in the model (perception) of the world I had had before". The good thing is that it's not as painful and immobilizing as it had been. The bad thing is that as I can live with it it's not urgent. Actually, I can face the world.
So.
[Introduction]
Introduction.
Sometimes I'm honored to hear: "Listen. I want to tell you one thing and it's crucially important. Would you like to listen to it?" And I take it as the most wondrous gift and I say: "Yes. Just give me few moments to concentrate". I then I keep it in my memory with a label of "IMPORTANT for this person" and try to be gentle with it. Just to take it without any discussion that it is important. And when I accept that this is important for the person, it becomes important for me personally. I start to act having this in mind.
Sometimes I fail and I'm not attentive and I'm on the verge of ridiculing what I had been told. "It's happening in your head, not mine", I say. Today I'm going to apologize and I'm going to stop thinking and saying that. (as I've been writing this during the whole day, already did)
My ego is hurt badly when I'm planning something and I want to tell the participants what is important for me but I'm told, 'I believe you shouldn't tell this to everyone". And now I find myself being afraid of being ridiculed for what I believe to be important. It's painful and easy to start believing that no one will just unconditionally accept that it is important, that no one will act having this in mind and respecting this. I'm afraid that no one will try sharing the importance, that no one will be sincere. That it is going to be one big favor to me.
I'm crying here.
The good thing about koans is that they are solved. Let's hope so.
One more short story.
The evening of the 17th of March I got the best news in two or three years. It's like for a girl who wants nothing more than to be a mother of ten children but has unsuccessfully tried to concieve for two or three years to get news that she is pregnant. (yes, it. is. equally. important.)
I shared the news.
"I see".
"Please, congratulate me".
"Congratulations".
I don't know, which one is sadder: "please, congratulate me" or "please, say that I'm beautiful".
No, I don't think I can face the world.
[The koan]
The koan. Reminds of " Languages", actually, but that solution doesn't fit here.
"If someone stated something as "important" I do my best to accept it unconditionally. - I feel... betrayed when someone (especially a close one to me) devaluates what is important to me"
[Consolations]
Consolations.
Oh, there are a few.
1. Celebrate it alone.
Yesterday I was lucky: there was a person to tell me: "This is a success) Thank you. <...> Till then - celebrate and have a rest". This person devoted much time and effort to this happening, so he knows the feeling.
But if there's no one to say so, I can celebrate it alone. Yesterday, for example, I won a game of go. I've done that only two times before (I mean the games with my teacher), on the 17th of September, that magical day, and in the middle of October, that silent time. So, it was a good celebration.
2. Actually, what I call important is not important: if I'm the only one to call it important, I'm mistaken. I'd better listen attentively to what the others, who have more life experience, call important. For a woman, for example, nothing is more important than a family.
Refutation: total bullshit. Actually, things and events are neutral. They just happen. It's people who add the meaning to the events - and thus the events with a lot of meaning become important. The fact that many people add some significant meaning to some event (say, the Olympics) is also neutral.
3. It is not important because this event is basically neutral - I just said so myself.
Refutation: there are no neutral events in the Universe. Things don't just happen: every single event changes the whole system. Events usually don't happen without people (we don't take nature here). The events happen because people try to realize their intentions and wishes in reality. If it's not nature, it can be neutral from outside but it is usually very intense from inside.
3. Keep unconditionally accepting the others' "important"s but never tell mine. Thus I can keep on doing what I feel good to be doing and cope with my hurt later.
Refutation: this is not an equal relationship. In order to have a genuine connection we must let ourselves be seen (Brené). So we must keep telling what is important to us.
4. If you want to change the world, start from yourself. Just keep doing this. Maybe someone will notice.
Refutation: there's a trap in this "someone will notice". "I'm not going to change anything in belief that at least someone might like what I'm doing. Even after my death". The trap of "unrecognized genius". I found out it several days ago. I'm glad I noticed this.
5. This one is Dan's. "If you don't let yourself be in this, you also don't let the other be in this with you which, by the way, may be important for the other". I even thought for a moment that is was a solution. Especially when I did the same thing a minute after I told that I had a koan on importance. But then I thought that it was closer to some kind of resilience. It looks like a good way to deal with a problem together but it doesn't relieve the tension and thus doesn't solve the koan. The main point here: I break my own rules, I have to be careful.
6. "This person is on your side".
Maybe the one I thought to be devaluating something important for me wasn't doing this. This person might have meant good. Actually he or she was on my side. Why do I not appreciate this?
7. What is important, changes. So why bother telling?
And, actually, this led to a solution.
[The solution]
The solution.
It took me ten hours (I did make breaks, though). I almost posted it without the solution because I got tired.
But I have a solution.
I was close to the solution when I wrote that people themselves mark what is important. What they call important, reflects the changes happening in them, the personal growth. If I change (for example, a person offers an idea which is important for him and I try feeling the same way, thus I change; I may give up this idea later but I have tried and I've changed) and if I want to change the world starting from myself I oblige myself to state what is important for me in this particular space and time. Always.
Find the courage.
It's the Yang side of the Vow of Change.