Promises and planning
In the end of December to my own surprise I started rediscovering my attitude to the usage of future tense in speech, to giving promises and to planning. I even started to write an entry called "Future indefinite" in which I wanted to convince myself that the least I could do was to stop using future tense and giving promises as I saw how much the reality didn't correspond with our plans.
But then I thought. "Actually, that's not my problem. My future tense is all right. I usually fulfill my promises. I'm good at long-term planning and steady work towards the result (I'm a marathon runner, remember?). Why am I doubting myself and solving others' problems in my head?" And I relaxed and started using future tense again. Although I started to love adding "inshallah" when speaking about interactions with other people in future:)
The same was with "I'm enough", actually. It took me some time to feel really sure that I nearly always am enough. And I'm well aware of the situations when I feel that I'm not.
[But back to the topic]But back to the topic.
I wanted to publish leftovers (two koans, and impressions) till the end of the year but I fell ill and couldn't concentrate on writing and editing. So the leftovers (which were promised to several people) were published in the beginning of the year but eventually published.
In autumn I was asked by a person to help with a translation from Japanese to Russian but the subject was so unfamiliar that I felt helpless and didn't do anything. And didn't apologize for not having done anything. I apologized today. I was at the same time reluctant and willing to do it but in the end it felt good. Really good. Free.
The previous year there was a conference at the institute I was studying at. I was asked to write an article and, I guess, five or six times I told that I would do it (by the end of March, by the end of May, by the end of the academic year etc.). But I was too busy with my trip to Portugal graduation paper and I didn't do anything. Though promised. I feel very bad about it, actually. But as soon as the holidays are over I will call and ask what I can do instead.
I promised my go teacher to play three games online this week. Well, I'll have to overcome my fear but now I feel more than ever how important this is. I guess, I'll be okay.
I have to overcome one more fear, of dealing with lots of people who may reject me. But I promised to a person dear to me that I would do it and I'll have to stop procrastinating and go there and be at my best. The more I think of it the less it is frightening. I guess, I'll be okay.
I've got lots to do till mid-February. Though I may be underestimating the amount of work I'm determined to do as much as I can. I already started.
I guess, I'll be okay.
But then I thought. "Actually, that's not my problem. My future tense is all right. I usually fulfill my promises. I'm good at long-term planning and steady work towards the result (I'm a marathon runner, remember?). Why am I doubting myself and solving others' problems in my head?" And I relaxed and started using future tense again. Although I started to love adding "inshallah" when speaking about interactions with other people in future:)
The same was with "I'm enough", actually. It took me some time to feel really sure that I nearly always am enough. And I'm well aware of the situations when I feel that I'm not.
[But back to the topic]But back to the topic.
I wanted to publish leftovers (two koans, and impressions) till the end of the year but I fell ill and couldn't concentrate on writing and editing. So the leftovers (which were promised to several people) were published in the beginning of the year but eventually published.
In autumn I was asked by a person to help with a translation from Japanese to Russian but the subject was so unfamiliar that I felt helpless and didn't do anything. And didn't apologize for not having done anything. I apologized today. I was at the same time reluctant and willing to do it but in the end it felt good. Really good. Free.
The previous year there was a conference at the institute I was studying at. I was asked to write an article and, I guess, five or six times I told that I would do it (by the end of March, by the end of May, by the end of the academic year etc.). But I was too busy with my trip to Portugal graduation paper and I didn't do anything. Though promised. I feel very bad about it, actually. But as soon as the holidays are over I will call and ask what I can do instead.
I promised my go teacher to play three games online this week. Well, I'll have to overcome my fear but now I feel more than ever how important this is. I guess, I'll be okay.
I have to overcome one more fear, of dealing with lots of people who may reject me. But I promised to a person dear to me that I would do it and I'll have to stop procrastinating and go there and be at my best. The more I think of it the less it is frightening. I guess, I'll be okay.
I've got lots to do till mid-February. Though I may be underestimating the amount of work I'm determined to do as much as I can. I already started.
I guess, I'll be okay.